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Yeah, that’s drama.

“Stop being so dramatic!!”

“Uh, I’m sick of all this drama.”

“Why do you ALWAYS have to be so dramatic?”

Whenever emotions run hot and tempers flare it’s easy to throw around the word “drama” as an accusation.  That can be problematic when the word is used used to dismiss someone and their feelings.  Calling someone “dramatic” is a way for people to excuse themselves from dealing with the emotional turmoil of others.  It provides (sometimes) false justification to ignore sincere attempts at communicating.

Then again, when someone is truly being dramatic,  it’s destructive, demands attention, and brings down everyone involved.

So, how can we tell genuine intense emotion from unhealthy DRAMA?

The differences are quite clear when you slow down and take at look. David Richo outlines a few distinguishing factors in his book How To Be an Adult.  (I love the title, but I don’t fully agree with all of Dr. Richo’s insights. I do find his review of drama extremely helpful.)

Think back to your last heated conversation and use the lists below to self-assess your communication style.

Dramatic Communication…

  • Is meant to silence the other
  • Blames the other of what you feel
  • Masks fears related to your own lack of control
  • Makes direct or indirect demands on the other to change
  • Is violent, aggressive, derisive, and/or punitive
  • Represses true feelings and motives
  • Insists that others acknowledge how justified you were
  • Creates distance between those involved

Healthy Communication (even when angry)…

  • Is meant to communicate and share information
  • Acknowledges sadness and disappointment
  • Takes ownership of, and responsibility for, your own emotions
  • Asks for, but does not demand change
  • Is nonviolent and well-controlled
  • Coexists with other feelings (in both people)
  • Needs no response
  • Moves toward trust and mutual understanding

This is a great structure for evaluating your own approach to difficult conversations and understanding where to set boundaries when other people start to unload their drama into your life.  People who are comfortable with this aggressive, blaming, insincere style of communication generally expect people to meet them in the chaos or fold to their demands.  By consistently using healthy communication, and acknowledging how their behavior has impacted you, boundaries can be established with clear expectations regarding how emotions are discussed in your interactions.

NOTE: If you revisit this checklist the next time you see, or are involved in, a dispute, you’ll notice that the gender stereotypes regarding “drama” disappear.  The word has become associated with highly emotional women; however, men are just as likely to meet these criteria than their estrogen-rich counterparts.

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Want Real Change? Start Small.

I’ve seen it over and over.  I’ve done it myself.  I’ve seen friends do it, and I’ve seen clients do it. Big goals, no results.  Big goals are easy to get excited about and they’re fun to share with those around us.  Unfortunately, big goals often end up leave us feeling guilty, with compromised self-worth, and a track record of perceived failure.

Goals are meant to be motivational and provide a sense of achievement and success.  If you’re goals aren’t doing that, get new goals.  In the video below, B.J. Fogg lays out some practical examples (and the scientific data to back them up) of how to make big changes through extremely small modifications to behavior.  If we allow them to, small goals build a pattern of success, create self-efficacy, and let us enjoy the changes we’re trying to make.  Feeling persecuted by a goal, is no way to live, and generally leads to less accomplishment.

The most common arguments against setting small goals go something like this: “I don’t want to lower the bar.” or “I should be able to [bigger goal].”  or simply, “That seems dumb.”  My response is fairly consistent.  I simply ask how the big goals are helpful to making the desired changes and cultivating the desired feelings.  I was how many time they have set that big goal and failed.  At that point the option becomes clear.  Do you continue trying the strategy you know doesn’t work, or are you willing to set and celebrate goals that you’d rather not have to set?

Integrating this approach into your life may require a redefinition of success.  It may force you to reduce behaviors, sometimes in creative ways into their smallest possible units.  You will certainly need to be willing to celebrate tiny levels of success, validating yourself for a single step in a journey of 1,000 miles.

Here’s the simple recipe (watch the whole video for more details):

  1. Identify a current habit, something you do every day or multiple times per day – use the restroom, get in bed at night, brew your morning coffee, enter a building or room.
  2. Attach a tiny behavior to the current habit you identified in step one.  When I use the restroom, I will think of one thing I’m grateful for.  When I get in bed at night, I will read for one minute.  When I brew my morning coffee, I will drink a glass of water.  When I enter or exit my bedroom, I will do one air squat.
  3. Celebrate your victories consistently and actively.  Affirm yourself for meeting your goal. “Nice job reading tonight.”  “You’re awesome at staying hydrated.” “Great form on that air squat, you did it!”
  4. Reassess your goals.  If you’re not being successful, make your goal smaller.  If you are being successful, considering making that tiny habit just a little bit bigger.

 

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Gender Differences in Brain Functioning

While Steve Novella walks you through the science of male versus female brains in this concise article, I want to talk about what it means for how we interact with the world and the people in it.

“This does not mean that males and females are the same, or that there are no differences. It does mean that individuals are individuals.” –Steven Novella

His summary compares brain function to height with regard to the predictive relevance of gender.  This is the perfect comparison.  If you know someone’s gender, you don’t have great odds of guessing their height on a case by case basis.  Plenty of women (half, by definition) are above average height.  Conversely, half of all men are below average height, and there is a huge overlap in the heights of men and women.  It is the same for brain functioning.  Even if you know  a person’s gender, there is a large number of possibilities for how that particular person’s brain is working.  Any assumptions you make would be a highly inefficient way to understand them.

I’m downplaying the differences and negating any categorical differences; however, it is extremely important to account for these differences when attempting to communicate.  Whether the communication is occurring across genders or within a gender, it is vital to healthy relationships and effective communication that we acknowledge and appreciate the differences in how people process information.  When you ask yourself “How could anyone think that way?,” consider the simple answer, “Because their brain functions differently than mine.”

To communicate and connect with others, there must be a mutual understanding, and if I assume everyone around me should think, process, and comprehend just like I do, I’ve minimized my own effectiveness.  Only with flexibility (in my own thinking) and a willingness to step outside of what is familiar to me, can I genuinely convey or understand meaningful personal thoughts and feelings in any relationship.

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Yoda was Right

As an awkward twelve year old boy (redundancy noted), I spent an entire day of my summer vacation watching the three original Star Wars movie. While I’d like to say that I experienced some philosophical awakening, that was not the case. I did, however, leave my comfortable position on the couch knowing one certainty. To hone my Jedi skills, I would learn to walk on my hands, training myself just as Yoda had trained Luke in the swamps of ………. “Do or do not, there is no try.”

Over the course of the next few days and months, I committed myself whole-heartedly to my pursuit of inverted ambulation, and I fell a lot. I crashed straight to the ground at times, with my arms being unable to support my body weight. I fell sideways, crashing into the hallway that led to my bedroom. I would plummet to the floor after just a few seconds with my feet in the air. I became brave in my newfound mediocrity, and began practicing during 6th grade gym class. Mostly, I was a joke. Trying over and over and over and failing again and again and again to maintain my balance for more than a few seconds at a time.

What impacts me to this day is the grit and resilience necessary for that twelve year old kid to find success in his pursuit of becoming a Jedi. It’s easy to stay on the beaten path and take on tasks that all but ensure success. It takes something different to tackle challenges that require failure. It takes determination, consistency, patience, and a willingness to look a little foolish in the process. It takes persistent commitment to putting the effort in regardless of the short-term success.

After looking back on these generally awkward years, I realize that at twelve, I was defining success in terms of how I was doing things rather than the accomplishments or accolades I was earning. It didn’t matter that I fell, and fell, and fell. I felt successful because I didn’t allow failure to defeat me.  In many situations, the likelihood of success can be measured by how willing you are to fail in the journey towards you goal.

Next time you set a goal, ask yourself this question: Am I willing to fall on my head and look like a failure to get what I want?

Hopefully, the answer is yes.