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Communication: Mutual Understanding or Bust

In nearly every relationship, there comes a time when we feel desperate to be understood.  Those are also the moments when it can be the hardest to communicate.  If we shift our definition of communication slightly, we can increase our odds of being understood.

Rather than defining communication as how/what we say, let’s define effective communication as an interaction culminating in mutual understanding.  Using this definition, the “right way” to communicate becomes fluid and requires flexibility.  It also makes every interaction a team-effort.  There’s no one way to ensure understanding.  Genuine communication requires an investment in both sides of the dialogue – speaking and using nonverbal cues as well as actively listening for content and tone.  If all parties are working toward mutual understanding, they’ll be flexible with how they communicate and they’ll be participating as a listener in order to clarify meaning.

In an effort to communicate effectively, we start with three simple questions.  What emotion do I feel?  What specific experience triggered that emotion? What (if anything) do I hope changes because of this communication?

The person initiating the conversation can set the team up for success by prepping the team for the conversation.  Preparation may be as simple as, “I want to share something with you, and I’d really like you to understand where I’m coming from.”  Then, dive in using this structure to convey the answers to the three questions listed above:

I feel __________ when ____________.

In the future, I would appreciate __________________.

If feel hurt when I expect you home at 6pm and you don’t get home until 8pm.  In the future, I’d really appreciate that you let me know as soon as possible when your schedule changes, and it would mean a lot to me if you acknowledge how hard it is for me when I don’t know your schedule.

It’s important to start with “I feel” and follow it up with an emotion.  A common mistake in this form of communication is to hide attacks within this structure.  “I feel like you’re doing everything wrong” is not an appropriate use of the structure.  The first blank can be filled with an emotion word, the second blank with a specific complaint, and the third blank with detailed and realistic expectations or desires.

The person listen then reflects what they’ve heard:

I hear that you feel __________ when ___________.

Moving forward, you would like ________________________.  Do you feel heard?

I hear that you feel hurt when you expect me home at 6pm and I don’t get in until 8pm.  It would mean a lot to you if I let you know sooner when my schedule changes…and it would mean a lot if I acknowledge how hard it must be to never know exactly when I’m going to be home.  Am I hearing you?

Note the lack of defensiveness.  It’s a simple reflection.

There may be a temptation at this point to shift to old habits of unhealthy conflict.  The person communicating the complaint may feel penance hasn’t been served or the level of guilt isn’t adequate.  They may want to start piling on more complaints or escalate into criticism.  The recipient of the complaint may drift into defensiveness through excuse-making or blaming.  RESIST THE URGE.

When mutual understanding has been reached – celebrate.

Thanks for hearing me out.  I’m glad you just listened.

I really appreciate that you just listened without getting defensive.

I recognize it’s a problem, and I’m glad you brought it up.  It’s definitely something I want to work on.

I’m glad you told me how you feel about this

Initially, this structure may feel forced and clunky.  That’s okay.  It doesn’t mean it’s not working.  If the skill of effective communication were compared to hitting a baseball, this structure becomes the tee in tee-ball.  Once you’ve got that feel of it, you can start swinging at some slow pitches.  Eventually, you’ll be ready for the full-speed pitches, making adjustment mid-swing, and getting consistent contact with the ball.

For more strategies aimed at keep communication civil and productive, check these out:  How to Avoid Drama, Cycle of Collusion, and be on the look out for an upcoming blog on the Four Horsemen of the Communication Apocalypse based on the work of Dr. John Gottman.

 
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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: 3

In the first two installments we explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Now, it’s on to Emotional Reasoning and, one of my personal favorites, Should Statements.

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  •  Emotional Reasoning: When reality becomes distorted by Emotional Reasoning, we’ve allowed emotions to be in the driver’s seat while we sit in the back, eyes closed and hoping for the best.  Our emotional experience defines the entire experience.  Some examples are personal and internal – “I felt anxious before/during/after the presentation, so it must have been horrible.”  Notice the evaluation of the situation is based entirely on the emotion rather than the actual execution of the presentation.  While emotional reasoning applied to performances can drastically reduce your ability to feel successful, when it’s applied to broader concepts it can be even more harmful.  “I feel worthless, so I must have done done something wrong or I must not be doing enough”  “I feel sad, so it’s going to be a bad day…It will be impossible to enjoy anything.” This type of reasoning can be equally destructive in interpersonal relationships.  “I feel hurt, so Johnny must have done something wrong.”  Again, you’ll notice that the evaluation has nothing to do with what’s being evaluated; it’s based solely on the emotional experience.

Challenging Emotional Reasoning:  In every example above, the disconnect between the evaluation and the target of evaluation was clear, and it’s much harder to see that distinction when you’re the one in the situation.  Therefore, to successfully change this distortion, one of the first things we want to do is increase awareness and acceptance of emotions WITHOUT EVALUATION.  The practice involves identifying and describing emotions…then stopping the narrative.  “I feel hurt..my muscles are tense; I’m hot; I’m crying.”  There is no need to judge yourself, your emotions, or anybody else when you’re hurt.  Identify it, describe it, and then decide what action you want to take (if any).  “I’m hurt.  I feel it in my whole body.  I want to exercise because when I’m hurt, taking care of myself is even more important.”  Another strategy for dealing with emotional reasoning is to preemptively define success without depending on emotions.  Setting a goal like “I’m going to be super relaxed during my presentation.” means your success is based exclusively on your emotions (which you have limited control over).  When you define success by other more behavioral factors (finishing within the time limit, maintaining eye contact, etc.), you can be anxious and successful.  Whenever you recognize your emotions leading you down a path of judgement, criticism, or any other form of distorted thinking, step away from the situation, acknowledge and accept the emotions, then proceed according to your values instead of listening exclusively to your emotions.

  • Should Statements:  Why are “should” statements my favorite?  Two main reasons.  First, we use “should” so ubiquitously that everyone has multiple opportunities to catch this pattern of distorted thinking on a daily basis.  Secondly, there are really straight forward ways of challenging these phrases.  So, what is a “should” statement.  Any time you use “should” you’re committing a small act of harm to your mental well-being.  The more powerful the “should,” the more destructive it becomes.  How can such a common word be so detrimental?  It has to do with the subtle impact our language has on our beliefs and emotions.  Every time we use the word “should” there is some amount of judgment and criticism that go along with it.  “He should be doing his homework.” means that there is something wrong with him for not doing it, and he would be doing it “right” if he were doing his homework.  “I should exercise more” carries the same subtle judgment – “I’m bad because of the amount of exercise I’m currently doing and I would be good if I exercised more”  Whether it’s directed at yourself or someone else, that judgment and criticism, overtime, can be toxic.  Another component that makes “should” harmful is the battle it consistently establishes.  It’s a battle that sets you up to lose every time you use the word.  “Should” implies that reality is not acceptable – it argues that reality is wrong.  Reality, in any given moment, can’t be altered, and our past certainly can’t be changed.  “I should have…” only serves to function as a critical (and largely unnecessary) judgment of something that cannot be changed.  (Could, would, ought, and need are close cousins to “should” and create similar harmful effects).

One last problem with “shoulding.”  It allows the user to feel righteous and therefore   avoid responsibility for being an active participant in changing.  Proclaiming how things “should” be, frequently leaves people feeling justified in their own inaction.  “She should know better.” “He shouldn’t have said that.” “They should stop.” “This shop should be open.”  The onus is placed firmly on the proverbial “other” to be responsible for change, greatly reducing the possibility of finding effective solutions.

Challenging “Should” Statements: Once it’s in your head that “should” is causing harm, you’ll start to recognize all the places you use it, directed at yourself and others.  Replacing it can be difficult, even though it’s relatively a simple process of word replacement.  In most circumstances, swapping “should” for “I want” is enough.  “I want him to do his homework” and “I want to exercise more” moves away from judgment and toward healthy identification of preferences.  Stick with the facts here.  Instead of “should,” simply describe the circumstances.  “I exercised for 20 minutes two days this week.  I want to exercise for 30 minutes on three days next week”   Stay solution oriented and future oriented.  “Shoulds” can also be an indicator that expectations or boundaries have not been assertively communicated (or consequences haven’t been effectively applied) with others or clear goals haven’t been set for yourself.

If you find yourself “shoulding” take the time to write down what you want and make a plan for how to get it.  Look at what you can do differently to help things go the way you want them to go.  When “shoulds” are applied retroactively, a slightly different approach can be used.  Rather than judging the past, focus on the future.  “Next time I will…” or “In the future I want to…” This reframes the potential solution, making it less about a harsh judgment and verbal punishment, and more about productive action.

Next we’ll cover Personalization and False Permanence.

 

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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: 2

Last time we focused on one distortion that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever.  Today we’ll explore black-and-white thinking and mind-reading.  We’re on our way to covering all ten…but tackling two at a time seems halfway reasonable.  There was a time when these distorted thinking patterns were referred to as “irrational” thoughts.  While I understand the technical absence of rationale inherent in these thought patterns, “irrational” carries some significant negative connotation.  It’s often an accusation or an insult – “Ughhh!  Stop being so irrational!” or “If you weren’t being so irrational…”  This negative connotation and these types of comments are disproportionately directed at women, but in my experience, men are just as likely to fall into these “irrational” patterns as women.  In order to start from a place from equality (less accusatory and insulting), let’s stick with referring to these extremely normal, yet unhelpful, thought patterns as “distorted.”

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanance
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  •  Black and White Thinking: This distorted lens can create false dichotomies in any and every situation.  It polarizes every effort, every person, and every experience.  This means that your workout was either AMAZING or absolute MISERABLE.  You looked PERFECT or HORRID.  You’re a great parent or an abject failure.  You’re the best or your nothing.  Your goals DOMINATED or you FAILED.  This distortion also seems to mandate the use of absolute language.  Whenever you hear “always”, “never”, or “everytime”, you’re likely dealing with black-and-white thinking.  Spending too much time thinking this way can easily lead to hopelessness – it becomes almost impossible to feel successful.

Challenging Black and White Thinking:  You may see some significant similarities with the Mental Filter problem.  These two distortions go together.  By filtering out all positive aspects of person, thing, or experience, it quickly becomes an extremely negative version of itself.  Black-and-White thinking confirms and amplifies the contrast between your hopes and your reality.  Your task is to find the gentle middle ground in-between the harsh extremes.  Acknowledge that you weren’t perfect or horrid; your workout wasn’t amazing or miserable.  Most things are someplace in between.  Allow for (and even cultivate) more complex perceptions.  Actively identify the aspects that are going well and the ones that aren’t – incorporate both sides, and avoid the absolutes.  If your mind give you a “never” or “always,” recognize it for what it is, and start to celebrate the successes that will almost certainly be found in the middle-ground.

  • Mind-Reading:  I’d like to believe that if I had the capacity to read minds, I would use it for more than confirming people’s negative perceptions of me.  Unfortunately, this distortion takes the concept of mind-reading to very dark places.  The mind-reading distortion allows us to be fully hooked into the assumptions we make about what others are thinking.  We become certain about their intentions and how they really feel.  It may be something straightforward like, “She thinks I’m stupid” or “He hates me.”  Throw in a few additional layers of social networking and mind-reading becomes extremely complicate and messy.  It can destroy relationships and lead to a sense of constant social pressure when the assumptions are self-critical.  A wave and a smile becomes a sinister ruse aimed at tricking you into foolishly desiring a friendship you don’t deserve (insert evil laugh)!!!  Or…maybe it was just a smile and a wave.

Challenging Mind-Reading:  It wouldn’t be responsible for me to tell you to just stop doing it.  I’ll try to be a bit more helpful.  A large factor in challenging this distortion is simply becoming aware of when you’re doing it and then not buying into the story.  If you’re well practiced at mind-reading (many of us are), the information that was gathered telepathically immediately becomes integrated into the mental narrative as fact.  Recognizing where the information came from can loosen the “fact” label significantly. Ask yourself, do I know this or am I assuming it? When in doubt, stick with external observations.  What did they DO?  What words did they say?  List what you observed, making sure it’s free of assumptions or judgments, then respond accordingly.  They smiled and waved, now I will smile and wave.

Alternatively many times you can just ask what someone is thinking or feeling.  You might say, “I noticed you were scowling, and I’m a little worried you’re upset about something I did.”  No need to assume.  If you insist on assuming, and creating a narrative based on those assumptions, the very least you can do, is build and interesting and helpful narrative rather than one that is destructive and critical.

 

Next we’ll cover Emotional Reasoning and, one of my personal favorites, Shoulding

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IT’S A TRAP! 10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns

We all get ourselves a little twisted sometimes.  I start to think the world will collapse if I miss the trailers that run before the movie starts at the theater.  I question my ability to function as an adult when I occasionally falter in completing my responsibilities (as a parent, business owner, therapist, etc.).  Sometimes, I blame others, complain unnecessarily, and make utterly unhelpful assumptions about my circumstances and the people around me. In summary, I can simply say…I am human.  My mind carries me to places that create and amplify distress without regard to reality.  My thoughts become distorted and I suffer the consequences.  The examples above are a few common iterations of distorted thinking.  Over the next few weeks, I’ll breakdown some of the more destructive patterns and offer tips on how to manage these ten beasts:

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanance
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

As you begin to challenge these distortions, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts you recognize and the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  •  Catastrophizing:  With this distortion, all things become epic disasters (at least in your head).  When we catastrophize, a poor grade on a test becomes a wasted semester.  An unanswered phone-call becomes a break-up, a death, or some sort of missing person scenario.  Stomach pain becomes an aggressive cancerous tumor, and being late for a meeting becomes certain termination and chronic unemployment.

Challenging Catastrophizing:  This negative fortune-telling often stems from the question, “What if…?”  One solution is to answer the “what if…” question in a way that is NOT distressing.  The poor grade on the test merely means some additional studying on the next test.  The unanswered phone call is because of a mid-afternoon nap or a phone that was incapacitated due to being dropped in the toilet.  More important than making a more optimistic prediction is the recognition that the assumptions we make are nothing more than creative thinking, a short-story brainstorming session, a fiction writing workshop. There is no need to respond (emotionally or otherwise) as if those thoughts/prediction/assumptions are reality.  If you “just know” something horrible is going to happy, you’re likely catastrophizing and would benefit from loosening your grip on the negative narrative.

  • Mental Filter:  An oil filter removes foreign objects to keep your engine running smoothly.  A pool filter keeps the water free of debris, allowing you to enjoy a cool dip in pristine water.  The distorted mental filter, however, leaves you with only the gunk, eliminating the helpful, supportive, validating thoughts necessary for us to flourish. There are two major types of filter and they are often applied together.  Both are frequently self-directed, but they can be just as harmful in interpersonal relationships.
    1. Focusing on the negative:  One version of this filter effortlessly and automatically hones in on all the worst aspects of any experience.  Did you misspell one word in that 10-page assignment?  The negative mental filter focuses in on that solitary mistake and shouts “FAILURE” rather that embracing the accomplishment of completing a lengthy assignment (even if there were a few mistakes).  A great evening out with your spouse may go down the tubes because of a 5-minute conflict or one awkward moment.  One small piece of constructive feedback from a boss after heaping praise on you?  Focusing on the negative has you believing the boss is going to fire you (or at least hoping you quit).
    2. Dismissing the positive:  This form of the mental filter often goes hand-in-hand with a negative focus…but it doesn’t even require you to make an actual mistake or have an uncomfortable experience.  When you’re automatic response to a compliment is, “You’re just being nice” or “You don’t really mean that.”  You’re viewing life through this filter.  When you win the gold medal and follow it with a “Yeah, but….” you’re becoming more effective at diluting, dismissing, rejecting, and otherwise avoiding the joyful experiences in your life.  Dismissing the positive means you don’t receive, in any genuine way, the validation, recognition, or appreciation being offered in your daily interactions.

Challenging the Mental Filter:  When you find yourself focusing on the negative, strive for balance – the ability to identify and embrace the dichotomy inherent in everything.  KEYWORD = AND.  “I wrote a great paper AND there were a couple mistakes.”  “My supervisor likes my customer service AND I’ve still got a few things to learn about the computer system.”  To challenge the tendency to dismiss the positive, work on providing yourself a little more validation, recognition, and appreciation on your own terms.  Find a reason to pat yourself on the back.  If you’re not that impressed with winning the gold medal, congratulate yourself on the hard work and commitment the award symbolizes.  Just find the reason.  Some days that reason is small – getting out of bed, eating something besides Doritos for breakfast, or just brushing your teeth.  Don’t let the relative simplicity of the task stop you from celebrating the accomplishment.  When other people compliment you or want to recognize your greatness in some way, say “thank you,” and refrain from discrediting their high opinion of you*.  Also see ‘Coach or Critic‘ for more thoughts on how be be a little less self-critical.

*This pertains to compliments and positive feedback delivered in a respectful way by well meaning individuals.  “Compliments” in the form of cat-calls or unsolicited objectification can be summarily ignored, redirected, rejected or confronted as necessary.

 

Next time, we’ll breakdown how Black-and-White Thinking and Mind-reading can get us into trouble

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Avoidance: The Burden of Dodging Burdens

Avoidance (and attempted avoidance) is one of the biggest sources of mental and emotional distress.  Avoidance may offer some immediate gratification, a sense of escape and relief.  You may even feel victorious if you’ve dodged a stressful task for another day or compartmentalized an emotion for another week.  That sense of relief becomes a powerful reinforcer of avoidance, and it’s easy to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of ducking and dodging the discomfort of actually doing.

Avoidance of uncomfortable situations, for all it’s real short-term benefits, can lead to very serious skills deficits.  Imagine the uncomfortable situation is swimming.  Plenty of people are scared of swimming.  One strategy for managing this fear is avoidance.  “If I never get in the water, I’ll be fine.”  There’s truth in that statement.  Avoidance works if the primary goal is to avoid feeling fear/anxiety//etc.  If the goal, however, is to be safer or feel safer near water, avoidance can’t get you there.  If the goal is to learn to swim, avoidance is the least effective thing you can do.

This provides a clear example of avoidance in action.  In our day-to-day lives, avoidance may be much more subtle.  You may avoid a conversation or an email.  You may avoid a place or a task.  You may work to avoid a thought or a feeling.  These efforts to avoid almost always waste energy, consuming your capacity to pursue what you want while you’re busy running from the discomfort in your life.  The brain’s ability to rationalize and justify is put to full use, and countless explanations (excuses) are created to support the decision to avoid.

Common Avoidance Strategies

“I’ll do it later.” is a classic justification for procrastinators around the world. “I’ll do it after ________.” is another easy way to avoid actual engagement in a task.  Netflix has been a boon to avoiders everywhere.

“I can’t do it.” is the rallying cry for people avoiding academic assignments, exercise, crucial conversations, and every other uncomfortable task.  A close cousin to the “I can’t do it” form of avoidance is the “I don’t have time” statement.  You can do, and you can make time.  The more honest statement is…”I’m not willing to suffer the consequences of doing it.”

“I’ll get more prepared instead.” is a slightly more sophisticated way to avoid – choosing, perhaps, the lessor of two uncomfortable endeavors.  “I’ll read a book about how to swim instead.”  I can assure you that no one ever felt safe and confident in the water without actually getting in the water.  This strategy of avoidance is common in high achievers and those that are reliant on knowledge for comfort.  Gaining more knowledge about a topic can be way to avoid the doing and to avoid the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that come with doing.  It’s a very strong, rational justification for avoidance….but it’s still avoidance.

Stop Avoiding, Get Engaged

Depending on the sophistication of your avoidance, you may face some serious challenges in recognizing and overcoming the habit.  You can start by asking these simple questions:

“Why is this important to me?” If you’re avoiding something, you’ve given yourself more reasons (or at least more important reasons) to NOT do it than TO do it.  Once you see patterns of avoidance popping up, look at what you’re avoiding, and focus on the justification for doing it.  Our swimmer might start by saying they value personal growth and challenge.  They can remind themselves that they want to be a playmate and protector to their water-loving children.  Regardless of the “why,” make sure it’s readily available when you’re faced with the urge to avoid.

“What can I do?”  By using all the horsepower in your brain to answer an affirmative, action-oriented question, you disengage from avoidance and start moving toward the goal.  Be a problem-solver.  Brainstorm until you have some specific actions that can move you toward the desired goal or value.  If you discover the avoidance continues…just ask the question again until you start taking action.

“What am I willing to experience?”  Let’s be honest, some experiences are going to be uncomfortable, and we’re not going to eliminate all unpleasantness from life.  So ask yourself what thoughts, emotions, urges, and sensations you’re willing to deal with to engage in life and do what you want to do.  In the example above, our fearful swimmer may want to acknowledge…”I’m willing to think I don’t need to swim.  I’m willing to be scared.  I’m willing to have the urge to runaway, and I’m willing to sweat from my palms.”  If they’re willing to experience all that and still get in the pool for lesson #1, they can overcome avoidance.  Read more about the tricky business of willingness here.

 

 

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Critic or Coach? Why “truth” isn’t necessarily the most helpful approach.

Critics are paid professionals that are expected to pass judgement.  Whether it’s food, a performance, a movie, or any other experience, honesty is vital their livelihood.  Without honestly, their opinions (which they’re paid to have) may no longer be valued or respected.  Critics serve a purpose, but it is rarely their intention to be, in any way, helpful to the objects of their evaluations.  Despite this spectacularly unhelpful stance, many of us fall into being critics of ourselves – evaluating and judging our behaviors and experiences without regard to the utter lack of value it brings.  Streams of critical thoughts may seem as natural as breathing in some circumstances.

“I’m so stupid/such an idiot/so irresponsible/so lazy/fat/ugly/short/depressed/etc.”

“I’m a horrible parent because I did (or didn’t do) ____________”

“If I wasn’t such a bad husband, I would ____________”

“I’m not good enough to ____________”

These criticism rarely, if ever, serve to effectively and efficiently motivate healthy change.  There may be some honest evaluation going on, but what purpose does it serve?  It fuels the furnace of guilt and self-loathing and only occasionally motivates change. In the long-run, this strategy is highly destructive.

Leave the criticism to the critics.  Unless you get paid to ruminate on your shortcomings, it’s time to switch gears.

Be coach.

Great coaches don’t dwell on the negative.  They make appropriate evaluations, but spend more time praising and encouraging the best aspects of their players.  Despite any shortcomings, they focus on what their teams do well.  When faced with failure or a daunting task, they refocus on “how” the team plays more than what the outcome is.  Win or lose – play hard, push yourself, acknowledge your teammates, and keep working.  Coaches know it sucks to lose.  Coaches get that players make mistakes. Coaches understand the tendency to be self-depreciating.  They respond with acceptance and encouragement – “Keep your head up! Keep working!”

Critics are paid to judge, coaches are paid to win.  Which offers you the be chances of flourishing?  How do you want to spend your time and energy?   Which internal narrative would be more helpful to you?

 

 

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Stress Management and Relaxation Workshops

As I’ve developed as a clinician, I’ve slowly molded my view of mental well-being into what it is today.  My perspective has shifted, expanded, conformed, stretched, and reformed.  Preventative mental health care has become increasingly important.  Diagnosis is not a prerequisite of well-being.  No one has to wait until after a heart attack to initiate an exercise plan.  No one demands that you only see a medical doctor when you’re ill.  In fact, regular check-ups are encouraged.  I’d like to see mental health head in the same direction.  One of the ways I’ve decided to move toward preventative intervention is by offering a stress management and relaxation workshop in my community.  If you’re local, you can register here

The three hour workshop will introduce a variety of relaxation and stress management techniques for those occasionally (or frequently) overwhelmed with significant transitions, work responsibilities, family obligations, or life’s less specific burdens.  By developing a greater understanding of the emotional, mental, physiological, and behavior components of stress, strategies for managing it become much more accessible.  Signing up allows you to join a small group (eight or less) engaging in practical exercises and discussions aimed at cultivating a bit more peace in your life.

Choose any one of the four workshops offered and if you find it useful, feel free to up again to repeat the course.  You can join us in Poulsbo City Hall on:

Saturday April 23rd, 2016 from 9:30am to 12:30pm

Saturday May 7th, 2016 from 9:30am to 12:30pm

Saturday June 18th, 2016 from 9:30am to 12:30pm

Saturday August 20th, 2016 from 9:30am to 12:30pm

If you’d like to have this workshop tailored for staff training or as part of an employee wellness plan, contact me directly to discuss details. [contact-form-7 404 "Not Found"]

 

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Three Vital Components to Effective Feedback

Each aspect of this could be broken down into excruciating detail, and if you want to hear that breakdown, contact me here.  This blog will provide the highlights…and feel free to leave some feedback in the comments below.

Every organization I’ve ever worked for has made some formal declaration of their openness to feedback.  It’s widely accepted that successful businesses, teams, and relationships are built on a foundation of clearly communicated feedback.  That, however, is easier said than done.  In some instances, the feedback is simply absent – there is no conversation.  In more toxic environments, feedback is actively used to criticize, judge, discouraged, deflected, or otherwise dismissed people.  Occasionally, feedback is present, but ineffective.  Whichever situation you find yourself in, if you want to increase or improve feedback, make sure it includes the following three components:

  1. Observation:  A simple observation is a great place to start with feedback.  This can be an observation of external circumstance or of internal experiences. For example, you may let a coworker know, “I saw that all your TPS reports were turned in on time this month.”  That alone acknowledges that their performance was important enough to pay attention.  It’s clear, concise, and gets right to the point.  In some instances, the observation may be less concrete.  When reviewing a piece of writing, you may reflect, “At the start of the second paragraph, I was a bit confused.”  This is an observation about an internal experience.  Notice that neither of these observations are not subjective.  Be careful to avoid blaming or criticism in these situations.  The previous example could easily become, “At the start of the second paragraph you started writing without a clear direction…you stopped paying attention to where the essay was going”  You can observe your response to the writing, but implying intention (or lack thereof) is an invitation for defensiveness.
  2. Evaluation: This is where you get to say, “Hey, great job this month.”  or “That was horrible.”  Positive evaluation without specific observation becomes quite limiting.  Evaluative statements leave too many questions unanswered and too much room for assumptions.  It’s nice to hear “great job,” but without knowing what concrete detail of your job is great, you haven’t learned anything about what you’re doing well.  Reverse the important bits and you’ll see it’s the same for critical evaluations.  Knowing I got a 65% on an exam doesn’t tell me anything about what I did poorly or what I did well.
  3. Advice: Presuming someone actually wants feedback, they’ll want to know how to improve (or at least maintain) what they’ve already accomplished.  They want advice on what do differently (or the same) moving forward.  You can provide guidance on what needs to change.  Ideally, advice is based on a goal agreed upon by the person providing and receiving the feedback.  Giving advice on how to write a more persuasive essay will be of little value to someone aiming to create an objective, informative piece of literature.

There are two more equally important aspects to feedback, but they only matter if the three components listed above are already being applied.  First of all, effective feedback requires a balance between observation, evaluation, and advice. To actually help a person make changes efficiently, all aspects of feedback will be required. If you constantly tell people, “you are awesome,” take the time to throw in some observations and advice.  If you’re constantly correcting others or telling them what to do, slow down and start making some observations and evaluations.  If you’re missing a piece, or you notice a dramatic imbalance, correct accordingly.  No single aspect of this system works alone, and no ratio is right for every individual or every situation.  Apply observation, evaluation, and advice flexibly to whatever situation you’re in.  The last component, and perhaps the most important to overall effectiveness, is consistency.  A single conversation will never be as effective as an ongoing discussion.  You won’t be able to gauge how feedback is being received in an isolated situation; even if they seem to receive the feedback, the true test comes in changes to the behaviors being observed.  In a one-time discussion, patterns will go unrecognized, goals will be unclear, and proper ratios of observation, evaluation, and advice will be guessed at.  Without consistency, constructive feedback can feel critical and judgmental.  Without practice giving and receiving feedback is an awkward dance of two novices attempting new maneuvers.  Occasional feedback can leave people pained the same way infrequent exercise leads to disproportionate soreness.

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Think You’re Relaxing? You May Just Be Distracted.

What do you do to relax?

  1. Read a book
  2. Take a bath
  3. Watch a movie
  4. Go for a walk
  5. Talk to a friend
  6. Drink a glass of wine

Those are the most common responses I get when I ask people how they relax.  Video games, social media, television, shopping, eating, and listen to music all make the list of frequent flyers. Everyone gets stressed, anxious, worried, or overwhelmed at some point, and we all find our own ways to cope.  Some strategies, however, are more helpful than others.  If you nodded your head in agreement as you read through the list above, you may be approaching relaxation very inefficiently.

In many circumstance, that temporary reprieve is enough to “reset” your thoughts and feelings back to baseline. 

Reading a book, watching a movie, or chatting with friends functions as a distraction from the physical, mental, and emotional discomfort you’re experiencing.  In many circumstances, that temporary reprieve is enough to “reset” your thoughts and feelings back to baseline.  The movie is over and you’re worries have subsided.  The riveting mystery novel pulls your thoughts away from the dangerous world around you and allows you to ruminate on which character is a red herring and which is the criminal mastermind.  An engaging conversation sometimes provides resolution, occasionally escalates stress, and often allows focus to shift away from your problems onto someone else’s concerns.

Taking a bath by candlelight can provide an alternative, more comfortable, physical experience.  A bath also requires a certain level of unplugging from the day-to-day grind.  Hopefully, you don’t take your laptop or phone into the bath with you.  When you’re in the tub, you’re not expected to cook dinner, fix the faucet, finish homework, fold laundry, pick up the kids, clean the house, or mow the grass.  You’re relieved of those obligations (momentarily).  A brisk walk serves a very similar function in terms of alleviating the sense of obligation and opening yourself up to new sensations – beautiful views, the smell of fresh air, a warm breeze on your face, etc.

The glass of wine chemically alters your experience.  Alcohol is a depressant, so it can mask some of the physical discomfort associated with elevated stress levels.  Some people use wine as an add-on to one of the other strategies.  A good book and wine.  An exciting movie and wine.  A bath and wine.

These strategies are, at best, inefficient methods of relaxation. 

The whole list would best be described as distractions.  Distractions that sometimes help to momentarily reduce stress.  These strategies are, at best, inefficient methods of relaxation.  That’s not to say they don’t work for some people, and they certainly don’t need to be altogether avoided.  Relaxation, I argue, is a skill unto itself.  Therefore, the only proper way to relax is to intentionally and directly practice relaxation.  I know it’s circular logic. “In order to relax, you have to relax.”  Here’s what I mean.  Relaxation is an active reduction in physiological arousal.  It’s a skill you can improve.  With practice, you can achieve deeper relaxation in less time.  All the changes that occur when we are stressed – increased heart rate, muscle tension, altered breathing patterns, increased blood pressure, disruptions to digestion, mental fog, pressured speech, and general unrest – can be actively managed.  Relaxation exercises such as controlled breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, autogenics, mindfulness meditation, and guided imagery offer a concrete tool to reduce the symptoms of stress and anxiety.

By practicing the skill of relaxation, you can effectively move your baseline level of stress.  If you run through your day with baseline stress of 65/100, and when it hits 80, you give yourself permission to regroup with a glass of wine in a warm tub, chances are, by the time you towel off, you’re down to a 65.  Now, 65 is normal, so it feels like you accomplished something and that the bath was effective.  By practicing relaxation skills like the ones listed above, you can shift your baseline.  With consistent practice, 50  (or 40…or 30) becomes the new normal and you’ve got much more bandwidth before you get overwhelmed.  Additionally, the relaxation skills toolbox is filled with strategies that can be applied much more pervasively.  Stressed at work?  Good luck sneaking away to some dark corner to watch a movie.  Anxious about traffic?  There’s no way you’re taking a walk or slipping into a bath.  The most useful strategies for relaxation can be used anywhere at any time (I’m especially talking about controlled breathing here).

This way of looking at relaxation parallels physical fitness.  You don’t go for a jog exclusively when you’re sick, injured, or otherwise sub-optimal in terms of health.  You exercise consistently in order to ensure that your overall fitness helping you enjoy life.  Most days you don’t need to be incredibly fit, but it sure is nice to have it when you need it.  The same goes for relaxation.  You won’t need it every day, but if you haven’t been practicing, you won’t have it when you need it most.

You won’t need it everyday, but if you haven’t been practicing, you won’t have it when you need it most.

Give yourself a week or two, genuinely practicing active relaxation.  Take five to 15 minutes daily to listen to one of the exercises above, and let me know how it changes the way you experience stress.

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Control? You’ve got less than you think, and that’s okay

I hate to be a wet blanket on the, “you can do anything you set your mind to” mentality.  I’m conflicted about taking on the mantle of making Nike’s “Just Do It” slogan more complicated than a three-word mantra for making all things possible.  I’ll go out on a limb and also challenge the ever popular, “choose to be happy” advise that is so readily given to those struggling through tough times.  If those platitudes were real…if we genuinely controlled our lives to that extent, we would all have the life of our dreams, down to the tiniest detail. To believe it’s all within our grasp is somehow comforting.  It’s the message in the quotes above, and it’s consistently reiterated throughout pop-culture, in advertising, and by well-meaning parents and friends.  It’s comforting to maintain the illusion of control.

The effort to maintain the comfortable illusion requires a constant battle between the desire for control and the reality of the world.  Do you know who wins that battle?  Who wins every single time?  REALITY WINS!  Work as I may, my physical gifts were never going to allow me to launch a career in the NFL or NBA.  Being relatively small and slow made me less competitive than my larger, faster friends.  Many decisions to “Just Do It” in the realm of athletics and exercise left me maimed in one way or another.  Running one more day or one more mile left me with shin splints and/or sore knees.  I “just did it” then I couldn’t do it without risking further injury or enduring unreasonable pain.  Choosing to be happy?  Emotions don’t work like that.  If I’m sad, I’m sad.  I just do my best to not wallow in it.  I try to allow it to go away.  I’ve written about the difficultly with acceptance previously (Tricky Business of Sincere Acceptance).  Acceptance is the opposite of control – that’s part of what makes it hard.

Please don’t assume that this relative lack of control damns any of us to a miserable life.  In fact, the sooner you can acknowledge that lack of control, the sooner you can get on with living your life and appreciating reality.   When I release myself from the outcome-based expectations of an NFL career or a four hour marathon, I can get on with living my life according to my values.  I can consistently exercise within the limits of my physical composition and remain content regardless of the outcome.  All of this is really about altering expectations and tweaking the quotes and platitudes to be more compassionate given the challenges we are forced to faced when operating in the realm of reality.  “Just do it” becomes “Just do something that moves you toward an important value.”  Running a four-hour marathon is a goal, not a value.  Fitness and health are values.  Reality may greatly limit your ability to finish that marathon (head colds on race day, unexpected injuries or accidents, a flat tire, uncooperative muscles and joints, etc.); however, nothing can stop you from moving toward your values.  Targets may change, goals may need to be revised, but if you remain psychologically flexible, you can find comfort in remaining consistent with your values.  “You can do anything you set your mind to” becomes “Working towards anything you value will result in personal growth.”  Admitting that I won’t ever become the next Barry Sanders doesn’t mean I’ve failed or that I’ve lost motivation or that I can’t continue to run agility drills in my backyard if I want to.  It mean that I’ve accepted reality, and that reality includes the realization that if I’m training like an elite running back, I’m likely to be in great physical health and connected with individuals with similar interests and values.

If the “it” in “just do it” is unrealistic, you do nothing but set yourself up for failure and disappointment.  If the “anything” in “you can do anything you set your mind to” is an outcome even slightly out of your control, you will likely find yourself battling reality.  Take stock of reality.  Take stock of your values.  Then, and only in a moment-by-moment sort of way, take control of your behaviors.  Choose to act in accordance with your values and release yourself from any expected outcomes.