Critics are paid professionals that are expected to pass judgement. Whether it’s food, a performance, a movie, or any other experience, honesty is vital their livelihood. Without honestly, their opinions (which they’re paid to have) may no longer be valued or respected. Critics serve a purpose, but it is rarely their intention to be, in any way, helpful to the objects of their evaluations. Despite this spectacularly unhelpful stance, many of us fall into being critics of ourselves – evaluating and judging our behaviors and experiences without regard to the utter lack of value it brings. Streams of critical thoughts may seem as natural as breathing in some circumstances.
“I’m so stupid/such an idiot/so irresponsible/so lazy/fat/ugly/short/depressed/etc.”
“I’m a horrible parent because I did (or didn’t do) ____________”
“If I wasn’t such a bad husband, I would ____________”
“I’m not good enough to ____________”
These criticism rarely, if ever, serve to effectively and efficiently motivate healthy change. There may be some honest evaluation going on, but what purpose does it serve? It fuels the furnace of guilt and self-loathing and only occasionally motivates change. In the long-run, this strategy is highly destructive.
Leave the criticism to the critics. Unless you get paid to ruminate on your shortcomings, it’s time to switch gears.
Be coach.
Great coaches don’t dwell on the negative. They make appropriate evaluations, but spend more time praising and encouraging the best aspects of their players. Despite any shortcomings, they focus on what their teams do well. When faced with failure or a daunting task, they refocus on “how” the team plays more than what the outcome is. Win or lose – play hard, push yourself, acknowledge your teammates, and keep working. Coaches know it sucks to lose. Coaches get that players make mistakes. Coaches understand the tendency to be self-depreciating. They respond with acceptance and encouragement – “Keep your head up! Keep working!”
Critics are paid to judge, coaches are paid to win. Which offers you the be chances of flourishing? How do you want to spend your time and energy? Which internal narrative would be more helpful to you?