Posted on

Surprising Benefits of Frustration Tolerance

When clients report feeling frustrated, my typical response is to challenge them to dig a little deeper.  Frustration is such a mild, generic emotion…but, it can be a great starting point for bigger and better things.

Do you feel powerless to change?

Do you feel scared of failing?

Do you feel annoyed with your lack of control?

At low levels, all of those emotions could easily be described as ‘frustration,’ and it’s vitally important to able to tolerate (even embrace, if I’m being optimistic) this emotion.  Without the capacity to tolerate frustration the seeds of powerlessness grow into atrophy, stagnation, and blame.  Fear becomes avoidance, and annoyance becomes apathy and detachment.  Frustration is a signal of mental or emotional resistance.  In the strictly physical realm, weightlifters feel resistance when the barbell starts getting heavy.  In either case, avoiding resistance can easily become a pervasive limitation.

This lesson is rarely more clear than during therapeutic experiential exercises.  While working in an adventure-based therapy program, one such experiential exercise challenged clients to make fire using a bow-drill.  The idea of creating friction between two pieces of wood in an effort to produce enough heat to ignite a fire is not a new idea.  Human-kind has been using some version of this strategy for thousands of years.  Literal cavemen were able to master the skill.  It is not a matter of intelligence, technology, or resources (beyond the very basics).  Having said that, it’s extremely difficult.

As you might have guessed, success requires more primal skills.  It requires a willingness to feel powerless, to be scared of failing, and to be annoyed.  It requires a certain comfort with frustration, or at least, the ability to persist despite the discomfort.  Learning any new skill can be a challenge, and the bow-drill fire is one of thousands of tasks that require frustration tolerance in order to master.  There is something unique, something in our collective consciousness, about taking on the challenge of creating fire with your bare hands.  It requires knowledge, strength, endurance.  It takes practice and patience.  It demands thoughtful preparation as well as in-the-moment intensity.  When you get it right…you harness one of the most important components of early human survival.  FIRE!

I’ve seen hundreds of people “bust a fire” for the first time.  Regardless (and often because of) of the literal  blood, sweat, and tears required to reach the goal, their eyes light up as if they’ve surprised themselves with a genuine magic trick.  When they find success, it’s obvious, it’s tangible, and it’s primal.

Most of the time we face frustration, any potential ‘win’ is less magical that creating fire.  Most of the time we endure frustration it’s for more mundane results – We maintain a cordial friendship.  We have an opportunity to practice compassion.  We save a few bucks. We gain some new knowledge. We learn some semi-functional skill.

As minor as the benefits may seem, frustration is almost always an indicator that we have a chance to learn and grow, to get stronger, or gain wisdom.  So next time you recognize yourself getting frustrated, ask yourself how you can create something powerful from that momentary discomfort.

Posted on

How to Forgive

Why is it so hard to forgive?  Why do so many people refuse to forgive?  Why do we try to forgive, but fail to forgive?

Often, a refusal to forgive is about which emotions we’re more comfortable with and which ones we’d rather avoid.  It can feel POWERFUL to refuse forgiveness, to hate and judge a person.  It creates a sense of control that is easily justified by righteous anger.  These feelings of control, power, anger, hate, and righteousness are intense, but many people are more comfortable with these emotions than the alternative.

To seek forgiveness requires vulnerability along with acceptance of the pain, fear, and sadness experienced since the offensive event.  It requires genuine compassion (for all parties involved).  Those are emotions that can be very uncomfortable, and people are frequently motivated to avoid them.

Forgiveness requires a willingness to feel and accept the pain and discomfort associated with whatever experience created them.  It requires a willingness to let go of the righteous anger, and it require a proactive decision and ongoing effort.  So, why would anyone do that?  Ultimately, the hate, judgment, and anger required to resist forgiveness takes its toll and does little in terms of effectively addressing the underlying pain.  When the anger fizzles out or the hate seeps into other relationships, to pain of the original situation remains.  Forgiveness, on the other hand, cultivates acceptance and compassion – which we can always use a little more of, especially in the face of adversity.

Once you’ve gotten to a place where you’re committed to forgiving, you can get down to doing the actual work.  The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley has a wealth of resources for cultivating mental and emotional well-being, and they’ve put together a step-by-guide to forgive that will lead you through the process.

Posted on

10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: Part 5

So far we have explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Then,  it was on to Emotional Reasoning and Should Statements. Last time we examined the destructive nature of unnecessary Personalization and the “ALWAYS” scary False Permanence

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier perceptions of your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  • Blaming:  This particular distorted thinking pattern is a sneaky one.  It infiltrates common language usage on a daily basis.  Any time you use “________ makes me feel _______,” you’re using a form of blame to distance yourself from the emotional experience.  “You make me so angry” is a statement that blames someone else for your emotional experience.  Blame (like should) carries inherent judgment which can be personally and interpersonally destructive.  Blaming others in this away also pushes you away from other people, creating conflict rather than resolution.  Blame isn’t just for emotions though.

Blame is an equally damaging distortion when applied to our own behaviors.  “They made me do it” is a harmful way to escape the discomfort of personal responsibility; however, if others are in control of how you feel and what you do….the whole world becomes very unpredictable and unstable.  If you’re in the habit of blaming other people, or even circumstances, for your emotions and behavior, it creates a mentality that falsely absolves you of personal responsibility and strips your sense of self-efficacy.  Blaming, therefore, becomes a backhanded attack on your own capacity to validate your emotions and manage your behaviors.  If everyone/everything is always responsible…you can never feel successful.

Blame also paints you into a corner in terms of personal identity.  Blame creates a narrative with only one identity – righteous victim.  This role can protect you from vulnerability.  It can mask feelings of pain and helplessness with righteous anger, but people can also get stuck in that role, remaining hurt, powerless, and angry.

Challenging Blaming: The simple answer?  Stop blaming other people or circumstances for your feelings and conditions.  Clearly, the solution is more complex than that, but it’s a good place to start.  Start by rephrasing the way you express emotions.  “That movie made me sad” becomes “I feel sad when I watch movies about true love.”  Work to be consistent in your expression and start with “I feel ______ when _________.”  The difference may seem subtle, but the language we use (even in our own heads) has a huge impact on how we experience the world around us.  “You make me so mad” becomes “I feel angry when it seems like you’re ignoring me.”  Work to observe your feelings and circumstances without judgment or blame, and look for values-based actions you can take to move toward solutions.  Reflect, share, or journal to validate your emotions, and practice acceptance of those emotions without blame.  Create a narrative that acknowledges your personal choices as well as your capacity to make different choices moving forward.  Choose to build a personal identity consistent with the competent and capable individual that you are, and avoid falling into the “righteous victim” role.

  • Magical Thinking:  Magical Thinking distorts thoughts by shouting “TRUTH!” to the adage, “the grass is always greener…”  This type of thinking establishes false hope and wastes energy as people chase after frivolous, empty goals.  It often postpones meaningful action and shifts attention away from effectiveness.  Happiness or success or some version of those two is perpetually at your fingertips or just an arm’s length away.  “If I lost 10 pounds I’d be happy.”  “If I had a new boss, I’d love my job.” “If I could just move away for a while, everything would be different.”  The examples are endless, “If only he would….If only she said…If only they did…If only I was…”  In the meantime, while you wait for things and people around you to change, you’ve remained unhappy and stagnant.  Or perhaps you’ve exhausted yourself trying to make those things happen, only to find that checking that box didn’t deliver happiness at all.  Finding contentment in life will never be about checking a box, accomplishing a goal, or attaining some external status.  Contentment comes from a way of being, an internal shift in how you perceive and experience the world around you.  Magical thinking works to convince you of the opposite.

Challenging Magical Thinking: Work with what you have.  Remind yourself that contentment is not just around the corner, but can be achieved regardless of the current circumstances, and happiness, just like all emotions is not a permanent destination.  Use “if only” as a red-flag that prompts you to rewrite the script.  “If only I lost 10lbs, I could be happy with how I look” becomes “My body is amazing just how it is…and I’m setting a goal to eat more vegetables and exercise three days a week.  I know that my mind and body feel better when I’m eating a nutritious diet and working out regularly.”  Success no longer hinges on the external outcome.  Allow yourself to be successful in the process, focusing on HOW you work toward a goal rather than arriving at the destination.  Acknowledge your efforts in-the-moment and evaluate success based on the way you engage rather than the long-term outcome.  “I would have been so happy if only I got an A in that class” changes to “I’m proud of the student I was last term even though I didn’t get an A.”  The focus shifts to how – with commitment, dedication, and effort – rather than what.  Magical Thinking takes you out of the present moment, so the challenge is to remain in the present and focus on taking values-based actions…and allow that to be an accomplishment you can celebrate.

You can find a downloadable PDF outline of all ten of the most common distorted thinking patterns here: Top Ten Distorted Thinking Patterns.

Posted on

10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: Part 4

In the first three installments we explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Then,  it was on to Emotional Reasoning and Should Statements.  Today we cover Personalization and False Permanence

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  • Personalization:  Not every mistake is your fault, and even if it is your fault, it doesn’t mean you’re bad, stupid, or incompetent.  Personalization begs to differ.  This distorted thinking pattern tells you that every misstep is attributable to you as a person; every mistake in your life is indicative of some shame-inducing character flaw.  It tells you that when your kids misbehave at school, it means you’re horrible parents.  When we don’t get invited to the party, it’s because we’re worthless.  When we get rained on it’s because the world hates us.  Personalization invites us to take every perceived slight, criticism, or inconvenience as an attack on our humanity.  A disagreement is an insult.  A furrowed brow is a harsh judgment of your decisions.  This distortion can also be flipped towards others and generally wreaks havoc on interpersonal relationships.  If you assign global characteristics based on isolated behaviors, you’re likely to create patterns of judgment and criticism.  If forgetting to feed the dog means your partner is an idiot, you’re relationship is in trouble.  If arriving late means your in-laws are inconsiderate and selfish, it’s going to be tough to fully enjoy Thanksgiving dinner.

Challenging Personalization: While I encourage everyone to take personal responsibility for their own decisions, challenging personalization requires a clear line to be drawn between what is and isn’t you’re responsibility.  More important than taking responsibility only for yourself, is the practice of attributing consequences accurately.  What does that mean?  It means we all need to practice explaining circumstance, situations, and other people’s choices is a way that is not destructive to our own sense of self-worth.  Attribute random events (birds pooped on your car, the bus was late, you were cut off in traffic) to the lottery of the universe.  No more.  No less.  Recognize that no one is out to get you.  The birds don’t have it out for you.  God doesn’t hate you.  It didn’t happen because you are inherently bad or deserving of misfortune.  Work to accept the fact that poop happens – even to good people.  Attribute apparent personal attacks appropriately too. When your friend, partner, child, coworker, or some stranger is having a bad day and treating you poorly, it doesn’t mean that you’re being a horrible person.  Assess our own behavior, and make necessary course corrections, but don’t assume that their bad day means that you’re inadequate.  In concrete terms, describe the situation, validate your emotional experience, resist, refute, or redirect when global labels pop up, then take decisive values-based action.

For example, if I’m not invited to the party…

Rather than beating myself up because I’m clearly a worthless friend (that’s distorted personalization) that no one wants to be around (and that’s mind-reading), I 1) describe the situation (without judgment): I wanted to go to the party and I didn’t get invited, 2) validate my experience: I feel hurt, lonely, and rejected…it’s painful, 3) take values based action:  I value my health and challenges, so I’ll take this time to jump on the treadmill.  Notice the lack of judgmental name-calling directed at myself or the host of the party.  Also, no assumptions were made about anyone’s intentions.

  • False Permanence:  One sure way to create stress, anxiety, hopelessness, and despair is indulging in the distorted concept of false permanence.  This particular pattern often appears as a combination of black-and-white thinking and catastrophizing along with a paralyzing perception of permanence.  It’s clear how this type of false permanence could lead to emotional discomfort.  “Everything is bad and it always will be!” sets you on a clear path to hopelessness and despair.  If we eliminate the possibility of change, the current circumstance can never improve; we can never grow; our efforts to initiate change will feel worthless.

Conversely, falsely assuming positive experiences and emotions will remain permanent can also lead to significant distress.  “Everything is perfect and always will be!” can set you up to fall hard when changes occur.  The lack of psychological flexibility is at the core of this distortion.  Clinging to any moment with an unwillingness to accept change will result in unnecessary suffering.

Challenging False Permanence: Accept the present moment and embrace the certainty of change.  Whether the experience is comfortable or uncomfortable, work to accept it as it is, letting go of expectations (especially judgmental expectations).  Mindfulness exercises can help build the skills necessary for nonjudgmental observations.  In conjunction with the effort to accept, embrace some version of the mantra “Nothing is forever,” “This too shall pass,” “Change is inevitable,” or “Live for the possibilities of today.”  In other words, actively remind yourself that your reality IS NOT permanent.  Throughout this process it’s important to be kind and compassionate with yourself, working to avoid other thought distortions, while encouraging yourself and seeking healthy support.

As you challenge this particular pattern, be careful to apply it to only to your mental or emotional experiences.  There are certain aspects of life that are permanent.  Certain types of loss, such as death, are permanent, and that is not a distortion.  The thoughts and feelings associated with those losses, however, are fluid and ever changing.  It can be easy to fall into the trap of connecting the real permanence of death with false permanence of the emotional experience.  This comes up with many permanent or mostly-permanent losses – death, break-ups, job loss, relocations, etc.  Even if these changes are permanent, the emotional experience never is.  It always changes.  Challenging this pattern is about recognizing, anticipating, and appreciating the ups and downs we’ll all face.

Next up, we’ll tackle Blaming and Magical Thinking, and we will have gotten through all ten of the most common distorted thinking patterns.  Part five will also include a downloadable PDF compiling all of the blog posts.

Posted on

Avoidance: The Burden of Dodging Burdens

Avoidance (and attempted avoidance) is one of the biggest sources of mental and emotional distress.  Avoidance may offer some immediate gratification, a sense of escape and relief.  You may even feel victorious if you’ve dodged a stressful task for another day or compartmentalized an emotion for another week.  That sense of relief becomes a powerful reinforcer of avoidance, and it’s easy to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of ducking and dodging the discomfort of actually doing.

Avoidance of uncomfortable situations, for all it’s real short-term benefits, can lead to very serious skills deficits.  Imagine the uncomfortable situation is swimming.  Plenty of people are scared of swimming.  One strategy for managing this fear is avoidance.  “If I never get in the water, I’ll be fine.”  There’s truth in that statement.  Avoidance works if the primary goal is to avoid feeling fear/anxiety//etc.  If the goal, however, is to be safer or feel safer near water, avoidance can’t get you there.  If the goal is to learn to swim, avoidance is the least effective thing you can do.

This provides a clear example of avoidance in action.  In our day-to-day lives, avoidance may be much more subtle.  You may avoid a conversation or an email.  You may avoid a place or a task.  You may work to avoid a thought or a feeling.  These efforts to avoid almost always waste energy, consuming your capacity to pursue what you want while you’re busy running from the discomfort in your life.  The brain’s ability to rationalize and justify is put to full use, and countless explanations (excuses) are created to support the decision to avoid.

Common Avoidance Strategies

“I’ll do it later.” is a classic justification for procrastinators around the world. “I’ll do it after ________.” is another easy way to avoid actual engagement in a task.  Netflix has been a boon to avoiders everywhere.

“I can’t do it.” is the rallying cry for people avoiding academic assignments, exercise, crucial conversations, and every other uncomfortable task.  A close cousin to the “I can’t do it” form of avoidance is the “I don’t have time” statement.  You can do, and you can make time.  The more honest statement is…”I’m not willing to suffer the consequences of doing it.”

“I’ll get more prepared instead.” is a slightly more sophisticated way to avoid – choosing, perhaps, the lessor of two uncomfortable endeavors.  “I’ll read a book about how to swim instead.”  I can assure you that no one ever felt safe and confident in the water without actually getting in the water.  This strategy of avoidance is common in high achievers and those that are reliant on knowledge for comfort.  Gaining more knowledge about a topic can be way to avoid the doing and to avoid the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that come with doing.  It’s a very strong, rational justification for avoidance….but it’s still avoidance.

Stop Avoiding, Get Engaged

Depending on the sophistication of your avoidance, you may face some serious challenges in recognizing and overcoming the habit.  You can start by asking these simple questions:

“Why is this important to me?” If you’re avoiding something, you’ve given yourself more reasons (or at least more important reasons) to NOT do it than TO do it.  Once you see patterns of avoidance popping up, look at what you’re avoiding, and focus on the justification for doing it.  Our swimmer might start by saying they value personal growth and challenge.  They can remind themselves that they want to be a playmate and protector to their water-loving children.  Regardless of the “why,” make sure it’s readily available when you’re faced with the urge to avoid.

“What can I do?”  By using all the horsepower in your brain to answer an affirmative, action-oriented question, you disengage from avoidance and start moving toward the goal.  Be a problem-solver.  Brainstorm until you have some specific actions that can move you toward the desired goal or value.  If you discover the avoidance continues…just ask the question again until you start taking action.

“What am I willing to experience?”  Let’s be honest, some experiences are going to be uncomfortable, and we’re not going to eliminate all unpleasantness from life.  So ask yourself what thoughts, emotions, urges, and sensations you’re willing to deal with to engage in life and do what you want to do.  In the example above, our fearful swimmer may want to acknowledge…”I’m willing to think I don’t need to swim.  I’m willing to be scared.  I’m willing to have the urge to runaway, and I’m willing to sweat from my palms.”  If they’re willing to experience all that and still get in the pool for lesson #1, they can overcome avoidance.  Read more about the tricky business of willingness here.

 

 

Posted on

Skills I’d Rather Not Have: Inventing Catastrophe

We’re generally more attuned to potential dangers, to things that can harm us or put our lives at risk.  Our brains have been honed to see the snake in the grass, the poisonous berry, the lurking enemy, and the loose step.  In facing these threats, we fill-in any gaps of knowledge with a narrative that makes sense.  We want to create some certainty in a precarious situation, and we do that by creating stories to make all the pieces fit.  Based on observations and the emotional experience, what makes the most sense?  When we’re hurt, scared, or otherwise suffering, that narrative turns dark quickly.  The driver in front of you that failed to use their blinker (you recognize the potential danger and now feel mildly scared) gets caught up in a narrative that completes the story of “The idiot that tried to kill me and is probably the worst driver in the world because why would anyone not use their blinker……etc.”  This explanation justifies the fear.  If the narrative was, “That responsible driver had a minor oversight in the application of normal safety protocols, but it didn’t really impact my safety in the grand scheme of things” the fear would have no rational explanation.

Our internal narrative acts to justify our emotional responses, to explain them, to make them more predictable. Unfortunately, these justifications often only serve to intensify and/or prolong the emotions.  This effect of emotional amplification is common when we try to rationalize, control, or judge our our emotional experiences.

In our heads, the airplane turbulence quickly become a failing engine.  The coughing child is informally diagnosed with tuberculosis.  The angry boss is definitely making plans to fire half the department. Perceived threats lead to fear, fear motivates the need for an explanation, and our minds happily oblige, providing a narrative that is often unhelpful to say the least.

There are two primary approaches to managing this problem.

  1.  Change the narrative.  Take control over the story, and create a narrative that does NOT intensify or prolong the uncomfortable emotions.  It can be a reasonable alternative or a ridiculous exercise in creative writing.  Perhaps that turbulence is a slight breeze that will subside momentarily.  Or, it could be that Superman was flying along beside the plane and gave us a little nudge.  When you take control of the narrative, you can influence the emotional response.
  2. Accept the emotion.  Acknowledge the fear, observe the narrative, and work to let it be.  Let yourself be scared without a “reasonable” explanation. It’s okay to be scared when you hit turbulence (It’s always okay to be scared).  Allow yourself to complete this sentence “I’m scared and….”  You can be scared and imagine all the most horrible things that could happen during a plane crash (that’s what we want to avoid).  Alternatively, you can feel scared and take some controlled breaths.  You can feel scared and chat with the person next to you.  You can feel scared and play Tetris on your phone.  Engaging in actual behaviors can help move you out of the narrative in your head.

Both approaches go against the default strategies of most people, making them especially challenging to apply when facing a perceived threat.  It takes self-awareness and practice, but the benefits are ubiquitous.

Posted on

Beyond the Buzzword: Mindfulness

Mindfulness has become popularized in the last several years.  With the explosion of yoga for physical fitness and increased use in psychotherapeutic interventions, mindfulness has become commonplace.  But what does it mean?  Does the CEO prompting his employees to be mindful mean the same thing as the instructor of the hot yoga class you take on Saturday morning?  Does being a mindful parent create different outcomes than the mindfulness taught in schools?  Do you have to meditate or chant “ohm” to be mindful?  Can you be mad, stressed, scared, and overwhelmed and still be mindful?

Anyone can be mindful and they can do it whenever they want.  I’ll try to simplify as much as I can while explaining mindfulness in a way that goes well beyond the buzzword and the image of the meditating yogi.  Boiling it down to a single sentence, it looks like this:

Mindfulness is the ability to control attention, non-judgmentally, in the present moment.

Now, let me unpack those three primary components.
1. Controlling Attention: This does not equate to controlling specific thoughts or emotions. Controlling attention involves the ability to focus and refocus with intention.  It’s the ability to recognize the thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they happen then choose what you focus on and how you pay attention it.  Our mind, left to its own devices, wanders.  That’s normal; that’s to be expected.  Through some consistent effort, we can improve our ability to maintain focus and be more mindful.

2. Acceptance: This is the opposite of judgement. Observing our thoughts, emotions, and sensations without evaluating or passing judgement is often a major paradigm shift in terms of how we interact with our experiences.  Being genuinely mindful requires the practice of compassionate observation.  Judging experiences as “good” or “bad”, sorting thoughts into “should be having” and “shouldn’t be having”, or delineating emotions into “strong” and “weak”, only serves to distance us from the reality of the experience.  This lack of acceptance creates some inherent discomfort.  By observing and accepting our internal and external experiences without judgment, we can engage without the self-created (and unnecessary burden) of “right” and “wrong”, allowing us to be a bit more comfortable and make more room for joy.

3. Remaining Present: We experience more than enough in any given moment to safely let go of the past and stay out of the future without fear of being bored or unfulfilled. However, to be content in the present moment requires the previous two skills. Without the ability to control attention, the present moment can quickly become overwhelming.  Without acceptance, the present moment can be unbearably uncomfortable due to the incessant judgment. Ultimately our experience is the accumulation of single moments, so being able to engage with each moment will lead to a more fulfilling experience.

At any time, you can apply these three basic components in order to effectively practice mindfulness.  While you do the dishes, pay attention to how the water feels on your skin, or the sound of the water as you rinse the dishes.  Do that without judging the feelings or evaluating the sound and BOOM!  You were just mindful.  Sitting in traffic?  Notice your thoughts, imagine them drifting through your head, and allow them to be there.  BOOM!  You did it again.  You were mindful.  It’s as simple as that.

Go.  Be mindful.  Let me know how it goes.

Posted on

Critic or Coach? Why “truth” isn’t necessarily the most helpful approach.

Critics are paid professionals that are expected to pass judgement.  Whether it’s food, a performance, a movie, or any other experience, honesty is vital their livelihood.  Without honestly, their opinions (which they’re paid to have) may no longer be valued or respected.  Critics serve a purpose, but it is rarely their intention to be, in any way, helpful to the objects of their evaluations.  Despite this spectacularly unhelpful stance, many of us fall into being critics of ourselves – evaluating and judging our behaviors and experiences without regard to the utter lack of value it brings.  Streams of critical thoughts may seem as natural as breathing in some circumstances.

“I’m so stupid/such an idiot/so irresponsible/so lazy/fat/ugly/short/depressed/etc.”

“I’m a horrible parent because I did (or didn’t do) ____________”

“If I wasn’t such a bad husband, I would ____________”

“I’m not good enough to ____________”

These criticism rarely, if ever, serve to effectively and efficiently motivate healthy change.  There may be some honest evaluation going on, but what purpose does it serve?  It fuels the furnace of guilt and self-loathing and only occasionally motivates change. In the long-run, this strategy is highly destructive.

Leave the criticism to the critics.  Unless you get paid to ruminate on your shortcomings, it’s time to switch gears.

Be coach.

Great coaches don’t dwell on the negative.  They make appropriate evaluations, but spend more time praising and encouraging the best aspects of their players.  Despite any shortcomings, they focus on what their teams do well.  When faced with failure or a daunting task, they refocus on “how” the team plays more than what the outcome is.  Win or lose – play hard, push yourself, acknowledge your teammates, and keep working.  Coaches know it sucks to lose.  Coaches get that players make mistakes. Coaches understand the tendency to be self-depreciating.  They respond with acceptance and encouragement – “Keep your head up! Keep working!”

Critics are paid to judge, coaches are paid to win.  Which offers you the be chances of flourishing?  How do you want to spend your time and energy?   Which internal narrative would be more helpful to you?

 

 

Posted on

Control? You’ve got less than you think, and that’s okay

I hate to be a wet blanket on the, “you can do anything you set your mind to” mentality.  I’m conflicted about taking on the mantle of making Nike’s “Just Do It” slogan more complicated than a three-word mantra for making all things possible.  I’ll go out on a limb and also challenge the ever popular, “choose to be happy” advise that is so readily given to those struggling through tough times.  If those platitudes were real…if we genuinely controlled our lives to that extent, we would all have the life of our dreams, down to the tiniest detail. To believe it’s all within our grasp is somehow comforting.  It’s the message in the quotes above, and it’s consistently reiterated throughout pop-culture, in advertising, and by well-meaning parents and friends.  It’s comforting to maintain the illusion of control.

The effort to maintain the comfortable illusion requires a constant battle between the desire for control and the reality of the world.  Do you know who wins that battle?  Who wins every single time?  REALITY WINS!  Work as I may, my physical gifts were never going to allow me to launch a career in the NFL or NBA.  Being relatively small and slow made me less competitive than my larger, faster friends.  Many decisions to “Just Do It” in the realm of athletics and exercise left me maimed in one way or another.  Running one more day or one more mile left me with shin splints and/or sore knees.  I “just did it” then I couldn’t do it without risking further injury or enduring unreasonable pain.  Choosing to be happy?  Emotions don’t work like that.  If I’m sad, I’m sad.  I just do my best to not wallow in it.  I try to allow it to go away.  I’ve written about the difficultly with acceptance previously (Tricky Business of Sincere Acceptance).  Acceptance is the opposite of control – that’s part of what makes it hard.

Please don’t assume that this relative lack of control damns any of us to a miserable life.  In fact, the sooner you can acknowledge that lack of control, the sooner you can get on with living your life and appreciating reality.   When I release myself from the outcome-based expectations of an NFL career or a four hour marathon, I can get on with living my life according to my values.  I can consistently exercise within the limits of my physical composition and remain content regardless of the outcome.  All of this is really about altering expectations and tweaking the quotes and platitudes to be more compassionate given the challenges we are forced to faced when operating in the realm of reality.  “Just do it” becomes “Just do something that moves you toward an important value.”  Running a four-hour marathon is a goal, not a value.  Fitness and health are values.  Reality may greatly limit your ability to finish that marathon (head colds on race day, unexpected injuries or accidents, a flat tire, uncooperative muscles and joints, etc.); however, nothing can stop you from moving toward your values.  Targets may change, goals may need to be revised, but if you remain psychologically flexible, you can find comfort in remaining consistent with your values.  “You can do anything you set your mind to” becomes “Working towards anything you value will result in personal growth.”  Admitting that I won’t ever become the next Barry Sanders doesn’t mean I’ve failed or that I’ve lost motivation or that I can’t continue to run agility drills in my backyard if I want to.  It mean that I’ve accepted reality, and that reality includes the realization that if I’m training like an elite running back, I’m likely to be in great physical health and connected with individuals with similar interests and values.

If the “it” in “just do it” is unrealistic, you do nothing but set yourself up for failure and disappointment.  If the “anything” in “you can do anything you set your mind to” is an outcome even slightly out of your control, you will likely find yourself battling reality.  Take stock of reality.  Take stock of your values.  Then, and only in a moment-by-moment sort of way, take control of your behaviors.  Choose to act in accordance with your values and release yourself from any expected outcomes.

Posted on

Why I tell everyone “You Are Awesome”

It is incredibly easy for me to be critical.  The ability to identify the shortcomings, flaws, and mistakes of myself and others has come naturally to me.  I can see a movie, a process, a person, or anything else and tell you how it could be better.  This “gift” of diagnosing problems was certainly helpful in academia as I was tasked with applying critical thinking skills.  It was a strength as I critiqued research articles and clinical interventions as a student of psychology.  It even serves me professionally as I find myself responsible for assigning labels for the mental health issues I assess.

As helpful as it has been, it has been a larger detriment to me personally and socially.  Nothing stifles joy and gratitude like criticism.  If I focus on the opinion that the sunset could be brighter or the clouds are a little too purple, it’s tough to appreciate the magic in that moment.  If I think the presenter should have spoken a little louder or covered a few more crucial ideas, it’s tough to integrate and apply the information.  If I ruminate on the fact that my friend could have called a little more frequently or stayed a little longer, it’s tough to see how much excitement they bring into my life.  I want to find the magic in the sunset, the wisdom in the presentation, and the value in my friendships.

Over the last several years, I’ve entrenched myself in the process of cultivating more positivity and reducing negativity.  I’ve used social media, worn t-shirts, passed out business cards, held signs, developed and presented workshops, and lead university wide initiatives aimed at spreading one simple message – “You Are Awesome.”  It began as a concrete way to build positive interactions into a culture or situation – possibly helping others feel good.  It was a reminder to others that they are awesome, and they should start from that point in any situation. If they’re happier, the environment is more positive and it’s easier to be less critical.

The message has remained the same, but it’s meaning has changed for me.  Now, when I wear a shirt that says “You Are Awesome” it isn’t necessarily intended to convince others of their awesomeness, and I’m not really expecting the environment to change either.  It’s meant to remind me, that no matter what’s happening around me, I can find some good somewhere if I’m looking for it.  It’s not about identifying a silver-lining in every situation.  It’s not about “it sucks, BUT…”  It’s about fighting against my tendency to focus in on the problems and the things that I want to be different.  It’s about accepting the pain and challenging myself to proactively identify the things I’m grateful for rather than doing what’s easy (for me anyway) and pouring energy into being critical.  Wearing a shirt, carrying a sign, or passing out cards emblazoned with the “You Are Awesome” message forces me to be prepared to answer the question “What’s awesome about _______?”  My life is so much better when I’m looking for the moments that inspire awe.

Wearing a shirt, carrying a sign, or passing out cards emblazoned with the “You Are Awesome” message forces me to be prepared to answer the question “What’s awesome about _______?”  My life is so much better when I’m looking for the moments that inspire awe.

I’ve realized that so many things are genuinely awesome when defined in that way.  There are so many experiences that, when examined closely, are ridiculous and overwhelming in their magnificence.  The fact that you’re reading this blog fits into that category.  This seemingly mundane activity means that as I sit in my office in Poulsbo, Washington, I can click a button and make my thoughts and feelings accessible to anyone in the world that has access to the internet.  Then you, as the reader, have this insight into my life.  You have a unique connection to one of the 7 billion possible people you could have connected with today.  Yeah, that’s awesome.  Every seemingly mundane activity can be looked at from this perspective -every relationship -every convenience – everything we take for granted day after day can be viewed through this very different lens.

I feel the urge to defend another common argument against this way of approaching the world. I frequently get asked the question, “What about the things/people/experiences that really are not awesome?”  It’s a powerful question and needs to be addressed.  When bad things happen in the world, it’s not healthy to ignore them or to attempt to drown them out with positivity.  I will be the first to say that the world is not all puppies and rainbows, and that’s not really what the “You Are Awesome” message implies.  People get murdered, trusted officials lie and take advantage of their power, systematic oppress is real, hate is contagious, and the world is full of suffering.  When I see these realities in my own life I do my best to acknowledge them and meet them powerfully with compassion, empathy, and gratitude.  I know I can’t replace my grief, fear, or confusion with happiness and appreciation in painful situations, but I certainly don’t want to be ignoring all the things I have to be grateful for as I suffer.  Usually, when I’m in the most pain is when I find the most comfort in immersing myself in the awesomeness around me.  When my world is falling apart around me, I can find solace in recognizing how much worse it would be without the awe inspiring experiences I have every single day.

My shirts may seem cheesy.  The message, at first glance, can easily be seen as insincere. Your initial assessment may be dismissive.  Whether you’re skeptical of the concept or not, I invite you to let up on the criticism and judgment and practice more gratitude by preparing yourself to answer some of these questions throughout the day.  Fair warning – some days these questions will be more difficult to answer than others.

  1. What was awesome about today?
  2. Who made your life easier today? How did they do it?
  3. What made you smile today?
  4. What did you see today that was beautiful?
  5. What was something that would have made today way harder if you did have it?
  6. What was the best thing you tasted today?
  7. Who did something nice for you today? What did they do?
  8. Who did you connect with today? What did you like about it?