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Personal Growth Fueled by Chaos and Crisis

Even if we manage to maintain our physical health during this global pandemic, it may be impossible to avoid the mental and emotional distress caused by COVID-19.

We are facing situations that we’ve never imagined.  We’re being asked to isolate ourselves, remove ourselves from the very spaces that bring us joy and a sense of connection.  Work is different, home is different, recreation is different.  Most of us didn’t come into these circumstances with the mental fortitude to manage such drastic change with no foreseeable end to the turmoil. 

This is a time of significant distress, and we’re being expected to deal with it without some of our favorite (and most effective) coping strategies.  No socializing!  No going out to eat or grabbing drinks with friends!  Shopping? Not at Nike or the Apple Store.  Your gym closed. Your spa appointment got canceled. Your favorite sporting events are no longer happening.  The world is upside down!

You’ve got a lot more time to sit with your own thoughts and feelings.  At a time like this, that can be scary.  However, if you want to use this COVID quarantine as an opportunity to gain some valuable skills, following the outline below will help build an incredible ability to relax…even in the face of a global crisis.

We can’t just snap our fingers and be more mentally and emotionally fit, so we need to dive in and start cultivating our relaxation SKILLS.  The best place to start is with guided relaxation exercises.  That may sound simple, but there are literally thousands of guided relaxation exercises available online.  Some are definitely better than others.  Some will sound like nails on a chalkboard.  It will take you some time to find one that fits your personal needs and preferences. 

Just follow these steps and you’ll be feeling calmer in no time.

1.  Find a guided relaxation exercise that you’re willing to do on a regular basis.  Find a voice that you like (man vs. woman, accent vs. no accent).  Pay attention to the music or lack of music.  It may take 30 minutes or more to find an exercise that works for you – be patient, and keep looking until you find something that you can stick with.

2.  Keep your expectations realistic.  Practicing the skill of relaxation in an intentional way can be a challenge.  There may be moments of discomfort.  You may doubt the benefits in the short term.  Just like any other new skill we’re trying to master, relaxation can be awkward at first. Over time, with consistent practice, your skill will improve.

3.  Initially, practice for no more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.  Remember, consistency is the most important factor.  If you need to modify your goals, reduce the time of the exercise rather than frequency.  Two minutes, five times per week, is better than ten minutes once per week. 

4.  Understand that different exercises focus on different aspects of de-escalation. Try out a variety to see which works best for you.  Try any of the examples at http://infinitenorth.com/resources/  

Use the following categories to explore on your own.  You’ll notice several these types of exercises in the resources offered at www.infinitenorth.com

Mindfulness – These exercises focus on controlling attention, nonjudgmentally, in the present moment. Headspace is a great comprehensive app for mindfulness.

Autogenic Relaxation – These exercises focus on the transition to a sense of warm, heavy calmness throughout your body.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation – This is a slightly more active exercise focused on practicing tensing and relaxing major muscle groups.

Controlled Breathing or Diaphragmatic Breathing – These exercises simply focus on the breath, helping to increase awareness and support healthy regulation of our breathing patterns.

Guided Visualization or Guided Imagery – These exercises create relaxing mental escapes that we can retreat to whenever we need a break from reality (or just from our stressful thoughts).

Loving-kindness – These exercises focus on building a sense of compassion and connection.

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Dealing with Test Anxiety

When preparing for a test, a major component of being ready is about managing our stress effectively.  That means making sure our body and mind are setting us up for success. By practicing these guidelines, testing can be much less painful.

1.  Relax your body
Find a mindfulness or relaxation app (https://www.headspace.com/, https://www.calm.com/, https://breathball.com/) that helps you de-escalate from common symptoms of test anxiety (increased heart rate, dysregulated breathing, stomach aches, etc.).  Once you’ve got the app, practice the skill of de-escalation.  If you’re in a situation where you can’t use an app, simply focus on slow controlled breathing.  Inhale through the nose for 5 seconds then exhale gently through the mouth for 5 seconds (repeat as necessary).  Practice a minute or two of relaxation before during and after study sessions, and do the same thing for testing.

2. Manage your thoughts
When we experience stress or anxiety, our minds can become more rigid and it’s easier to believe distorted thoughts that are typically extremely unhealthy (i.e. “I’m gonna fail” “My life is over if I don’t ace this test” “What if I’m the only one that does badly on this test?”  “I should have studied another 10 hours.”)  Each of these examples will only intensify the emotional experience, leading to more suffering and probably worse performance.  You can learn more about distorted thinking patterns and how to challenge them from the series of blogs starting here.

3. Align Your Behavior to How You Want to Think and Feel
Our behavior influences our thoughts and physiology, so sometimes we need to make sure our behavior isn’t becoming an obstacle on our path to a happy successful life.  Engaging in nervous habits, distractions, avoidance, or procrastination tends to exacerbate the stress in the long term even if there is some mental and emotional relief in the short term. For example, Netflix and Youtube are designed to be highly effective distractors, yet when used to excess, time for things like studying and sleep can quickly be lost.  Read more about how to avoid distraction and procrastination here: http://infinitenorth.com/avoidance-the-burden-of-dodging-burdens/

4. Willingness and Acceptance
Be willing to feel a little anxious and stressed about your test.  School can be difficult and exams are intended to be a challenge in order to assess your understanding.  Just because you’re worried, doesn’t mean you’re not prepared.  If you constantly fight to not be anxious, or you consistently distract yourself from the discomfort of anxiety, you’ll end up enduring more suffering than you need to. You can find more information and a guided acceptance exercise here: http://infinitenorth.com/tricky-business-of-sincere-acceptance/

Through it all, be kind and patient with yourself.

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Can Treating My Mood Disorder Be a Little More Fun?

I have to admit that most treatment workbooks are dry… sometimes even boring.  I can recognize several problems with this.

  1.  Even people that are engaged, motivated, energetic, and generally not struggling with their mood are unlikely to get excited workbooks.
  2. Mood disorders (depression and anxiety among others) can make it difficult to concentrate and process information effectively, limiting the usefulness of workbooks.
  3. Most workbooks are designed by therapists.  That usually means the content is pretty solid; unfortunately, therapists are necessarily the greatest and creating engaging materials.

Despite those points, I do like clients to have a tangible resource, something with clear guidelines that they can reach for when they’re ready to work on their mental well-being.  I don’t want to rely entirely on what they remember from our sessions (see number two above).  I’d like to have some options that are a little less dusty.

Many other health initiatives have worked to make themselves more appealing to a general audience.  There are mainstream marketing campaigns for smoking cessation.  There are commercials airing nationwide and streaming online for healthier food options, working to convince people that food can be healthy and delicious. REI wants me to #optoutside. Even the CDC provides colorful infographics online.  They make TV shows immortalizing and glorifying people’s journeys of weight loss and improved fitness (the problems with these programs will have to wait for another blog)

Mental health seems to be a harder sell.   There is no mental health treatment equivalent to Zumba.  The’s no cutting vegetables into fun shapes to make sure we’re having fun while eating healthy.  I’m starting to sound pretty pessimistic, but there’s hope.

Some people have taken it upon themselves to focus on the delivery just as much as the content.  I’ve shared Jane McGonigal’s work with Superbetter previously and haven’t found a better example of gamifying recovery anywhere.  One example of applying the concept of producing an engaging intervention in the written form is a collaboration between clinician Russ Harris and illustrator Bev Aisbett.  The result was The Illustrated Happiness Trap and it’s great for those interested specifically in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

A more recent discovery, and probably the more effective example of making a mental health recovery book fun is Rock Steady: Brilliant Advice from My Bipolar Life by graphic artist Ellen Forney.  With humor, pragmatism, and clever visuals she translates the dry academic wisdom of clinicians into something very relatable, accessible, and manageable.  Her book is built upon her experiences with managing her own bipolar disorder.  She acknowledges the struggles inherent associated with emotion regulation and self-care and delivers clinically sound advice.  According to Forney, the foundation of health can be boiled down into SMEDMERTS! (Sleep, Medication, Eating (well), Doctor, Mindfulness, Exercise, Routine, Tools, and Support).  The acronym is solid and the mascot is even better.

If workbooks or traditional self-help books aren’t for you, don’t give up hope.  There is more and more diversity in the options for a structured resource that can help you when you’re not with your therapist.  If you’ve got other suggestions, comment below.

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Still Working to Find the Awesome

As a clinician, I’ve found that I have somewhat limited opportunities to create a tangible product.  I listen.  I talk.  I share recommendations and point people in the healthiest direction I can.  Occasionally, I am able to provide resources that I have created, and that lends some consistency to the work that I do with clients and it helps me feel as though I’m producing something.  I enjoy recreating handouts and relaxation exercises.  But if I’m being honest, regardless of the clinical content, I just like creating things that I can share with others.

I wouldn’t describe most of my recreational activities as ‘creative.’  I watch movies, hang out with friends, and get to the gym when I make time for it.  Over the years, however, I’ve recognized how important it is for me to have a product to show for my efforts.  Rather than picking up a paintbrush or a cookbook, I’ve found myself drawn to the digital arts.  The most recent iteration of that is a podcast where my co-host and I discuss the victories and struggles related to growing and getting stronger in our physical, mental, and emotional health.

In our most recent podcast, I was able to share some of my personal story.  I had a blast recounting the development of the ‘You Are Awesome‘ movement and how it’s changed my life.  It reminded me that I’ve grown and evolved.  The movement has grown and evolved.  And, it’s another example of how I’ve been drawn toward tangible outcomes (cards, t-shirts, stickers, magnets) despite the heady, intellectual, often-abstract field of psychology that I’ve made my profession.

If you care to listen to my latest creation, you can find it here or track it down through your podcasting subscription service of choice (iTunes, GoogleMusic, Spotify, Stitcher, etc.)

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Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

I revisited the book Mindset by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D.  I dove in, took notes, and highlighted the big ideas and inspiring quotes.   While I won’t rehash the entire book here, I’ll share some of the key concepts.

Dr. Dweck’s book is built on an exploration of fundamental differences in mindset – fixed mindset vs. growth mindset.  In the fixed mindset people view skills and abilities as static, as in unchanging.  It’s easy to come up with examples of the fixed mindset if you complete the sentence “I’m just not good at ________.”  People fall into the fixed mindset with all sorts of things.  As I read the book, I couldn’t help but hear echos of my self-assessments.  “I’m just not musical.” “I just don’t have good hand-eye coordination.” “I just don’t have an eye for design.”  I could go on, but I’ll spare you more examples of my self-proclaimed shortcomings.  Fixed mindset can also apply to talents when we complete sentences like “I’ve just always been good at __________.”

Either way, the fixed mindset sets us up for failure on a grander scale than any particular skill or ability.  By clinging to a fixed mindset, I effectively eliminate my willingness and ability to improve myself in any way.  Every shortcoming becomes a lifetime sentence of mediocrity.  Anytime I try something new and I’m not good at it, my fixed mindset tells me I have a fundamental deficiency in that area….and I can’t really do anything about it.  Ouch!

The fixed mindset, as you might imagine, leads to avoiding anything that challenges self-perceived strengths.  For example, If my fixed mind tells me I’m good at writing, I’m only going to write in situations where I’m virtually guaranteed to be affirmed and validated.  If critical feedback comes my way, it may pop my ‘good writer’ bubble, and if I’m not inherently good, I’ll never be good.   When the fixed mind is forced to face critical feedback, it justifies and blames in order to protect the perception of ‘natural’ ability.  This avoidance of challenges and useful feedback actually creates stagnation and strengthens the notion of static abilities.

Growth mindset, as you might imagine, focuses on our incredible capacity to learn new things and develop new skills.  Individuals embracing a growth mindset seek out opportunities to learn from feedback – they don’t fear failure because they believe any lack of success is temporary and dependent solely on commitment and effort.

Want to see where you apply your own growth mindset?  Complete the sentence, “After a lot of hard work, I learned how to __________.”  Any time you’re willing to start with the basics and build from there.  Growth mindset generally requires patience, openness to feedback, a willingness to be ‘unsuccessful’, and the ability to enjoy the process of improving.  When you can feel pride based on individual growth rather than comparative success or narrowly defined outcomes, you’re in the growth mindset.

The growth mindset allows us to pursue literally anything and everything regardless of our current skill level.  It opens the door to any and every experience.  It ignores any of the standard excuses, turning “I’m too old” into “It’s never too late.”  “I’ve never been good at that.” becomes “It’s going to be so fun to learn how to do this.”  The best part about all of this is the fact that growth is virtually guaranteed if you can sustain this mindset throughout the process.

Because so much of our mindset is based exclusively on the internal dialogue between our ears, it’s tough to create a concrete plan for shifting from fixed to growth.  That won’t stop us from trying though.  The first step is committing to cultivating the growth mindset, intentionally replacing unhelpful thoughts with thoughts of growth.  Use the examples below, and feel free to come up with your own.

Every failure is an opportunity to learn.

Feedback only helps me learn and grow.

Everything I’ve ever done has required effort to get better.

I can get better at anything I work at.

If I’m willing to looking at my ability honestly, and celebrate small successes, I can have fun regardless of outcomes.

The how matters more than the what.

 

Take a new challenge, practice the growth mindset, and let us know how it goes.

If you’d like to hear more of Dr. Poinsett’s thoughts on Mindset, you can listen to his discussion of the book on The Victory and The Struggle Podcast.

 

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Surprising Benefits of Frustration Tolerance

When clients report feeling frustrated, my typical response is to challenge them to dig a little deeper.  Frustration is such a mild, generic emotion…but, it can be a great starting point for bigger and better things.

Do you feel powerless to change?

Do you feel scared of failing?

Do you feel annoyed with your lack of control?

At low levels, all of those emotions could easily be described as ‘frustration,’ and it’s vitally important to able to tolerate (even embrace, if I’m being optimistic) this emotion.  Without the capacity to tolerate frustration the seeds of powerlessness grow into atrophy, stagnation, and blame.  Fear becomes avoidance, and annoyance becomes apathy and detachment.  Frustration is a signal of mental or emotional resistance.  In the strictly physical realm, weightlifters feel resistance when the barbell starts getting heavy.  In either case, avoiding resistance can easily become a pervasive limitation.

This lesson is rarely more clear than during therapeutic experiential exercises.  While working in an adventure-based therapy program, one such experiential exercise challenged clients to make fire using a bow-drill.  The idea of creating friction between two pieces of wood in an effort to produce enough heat to ignite a fire is not a new idea.  Human-kind has been using some version of this strategy for thousands of years.  Literal cavemen were able to master the skill.  It is not a matter of intelligence, technology, or resources (beyond the very basics).  Having said that, it’s extremely difficult.

As you might have guessed, success requires more primal skills.  It requires a willingness to feel powerless, to be scared of failing, and to be annoyed.  It requires a certain comfort with frustration, or at least, the ability to persist despite the discomfort.  Learning any new skill can be a challenge, and the bow-drill fire is one of thousands of tasks that require frustration tolerance in order to master.  There is something unique, something in our collective consciousness, about taking on the challenge of creating fire with your bare hands.  It requires knowledge, strength, endurance.  It takes practice and patience.  It demands thoughtful preparation as well as in-the-moment intensity.  When you get it right…you harness one of the most important components of early human survival.  FIRE!

I’ve seen hundreds of people “bust a fire” for the first time.  Regardless (and often because of) of the literal  blood, sweat, and tears required to reach the goal, their eyes light up as if they’ve surprised themselves with a genuine magic trick.  When they find success, it’s obvious, it’s tangible, and it’s primal.

Most of the time we face frustration, any potential ‘win’ is less magical that creating fire.  Most of the time we endure frustration it’s for more mundane results – We maintain a cordial friendship.  We have an opportunity to practice compassion.  We save a few bucks. We gain some new knowledge. We learn some semi-functional skill.

As minor as the benefits may seem, frustration is almost always an indicator that we have a chance to learn and grow, to get stronger, or gain wisdom.  So next time you recognize yourself getting frustrated, ask yourself how you can create something powerful from that momentary discomfort.

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Quick Check: Values Based Action

It’s been a while since the last blog post, and I’m planning on tightening up the time between submissions.  More wisdom is on it’s way.

Everyday provides endless opportunities to live the life we want to live, but we’ve got to paying attention, and be prepared to take advantage when an opportunity presents itself.  With that in mind, I want to provide a decision making strategy that can be applied anywhere and anytime.  When you’re making decisions mindfully (and hopefully most of the time you are), it requires intentional questions and answers in each moment.

  • Where will I choose to focus my attention?
  • What will I say in response to that greeting?
  • What tooth will I brush next?
  • What am I tasting right now?

With all those questions and choices, how can we know which path to follow?  It’s easy to fall into a pattern of looking for the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ path, but that’s an oversimplification and introduces unnecessary judgment.  Instead you can ask, “How will this choice help me move toward my values?” or “What behavior would I be engaging in if I were behaving in alignment with my values?”

Through the course of any day, the more closely we can align our choices and behaviors to our values, the better off we’re going to be.  It minimizes guilt, regret, shame, self-criticism, and judgment.  It maximizes healthy pride, self-efficacy, contentment, and personal growth.  It allows us to live our life based on the things that are most important to us.  If you’re not sure how to define your values, you can take an initial step by downloading and printing this  values clarification worksheet.  Rate all the values on the worksheet as either very important, somewhat important, or not important.  Once you’ve identified all the values that are very important to you, narrow those down to your top ten.

By using your top ten values to make decisions, you’re sure to find yourself on a more fulfilling path in life.

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Stop Telling People Not to Worry!

I go through some version of this with nearly every client I meet with.

Client: I feel (insert feeling) and (insert self-defeating thought) keeps running through my head 

Me: Has anyone ever told you to stop feeling that or thinking that?

Client: Yes 

Me: Has it ever worked?  Do you stop thinking or feeling that way?

Client: No!  It never works. 

Me:  Do you ever try to tell yourself ‘just stop’?

Client: Yeah. 

Me: Does that ever work?

Client: No. 

Me:  Okay.  I’m never going to expect you to just stop thinking or just stop feeling anything.

Client: Good.

 

That may sound familiar. Now,  let’s break things down a bit.

Phrases like “don’t worry” or “you don’t have to be angry about this” or “just stop being so sad all the time” can be said with great intentions.  Parents, friends, and spouses want to alleviate pain.  They don’t want to watch their loved ones suffer, so they tell you not to suffer (presumably for your own good).  As the example above illustrates, this never really works.  No one really ever hears the words “don’t worry” then instantly refrains from worrying.  There is no direct switch for thoughts and feelings, so telling someone to stop or change them with any sense of immediacy puts them in a bad spot.  This is especially true when individuals are combating symptoms of depression and anxiety.

When they’re worried, they’re worried.  When they’re worried and they’ve been told to stop (in any myriad of ways), they find themselves in a situation where they’re suffering from their worries AND from their failure to stop worrying.  These well-intentioned comments aimed at reducing suffering can actually have the opposite effect, intensifying the distress despite the great intentions.

What’s a better alternative when you recognize someone you care about it struggling?  What can you provide for others and what can you ask for when you’re facing a challenge?

  1. Acknowledge the emotion/concern/suffering:  It sounds like you’re really worried and feeling overwhelmed about this new position.
  2. Find ways to agree:  There’s a lot to worry about when you’re starting a new job.
  3. Offer support:  Is there anything I can do to help?
  4. Solidify Support/Offer specific support: I’m here for you if you need anything.  Can I help distract you for a while?  Can I tell you about a time I felt worried?  Can I give you a hug?
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Lessons from Shel #428: Avoiding Fear Cripples Us

Fear

Barnabus Browning
Was scared of drowning,
So he never would swim
Or get into  a boat
Or take a bath
Or cross a moat.
He just sat day and night
With his door locked tight
And the windows nailed down,
Shaking with fear
That a wave might appear,
And cried so many tears
That they filled up the room
And he drowned.

By: Shel Silverstein, from A Light in the Attic

 

Our efforts to protect ourselves and those we care about from fear are often more destructive than the feared situation.  Barnabus Browning did everything he could to avoid drowning.  In doing so, he eliminated his own access to 71% of the Earth’s surface.  Even if he didn’t cry “so many tears that they filled up the room and he drowned,” Barnabus restricted himself to his home – No pleasure cruises.  No surfing. No island retreats. No beautiful ocean sunsets, No lazy Sundays fishing off a dock.  No triathalon finishes.  It’s not actually the fear that stops Barnabus from engaging in these activities, it’s his avoidance of the fear.  If he were willing to be scared, willing to lean into it and learn from it, he could do all of it.

Only through changing our relationship with fear can we teach ourselves that it’s a manageable emotion rather than something that has to be avoided.  Every time we tell ourselves, “I’ll do it once I get over my fear,” we’re indulging in unnecessary avoidance that perpetuates the the idea that we can’t (or shouldn’t) be afraid.  It’s fine to be scared and do it anyway, whatever “it” happens to be.  Allowing fear to dictate decisions only fuels fear and restricts our experiences.