Avoidance: The Burden of Dodging Burdens

Avoidance (and attempted avoidance) is one of the biggest sources of mental and emotional distress.  Avoidance may offer some immediate gratification, a sense of escape and relief.  You may even feel victorious if you’ve dodged a stressful task for another day or compartmentalized an emotion for another week.  That sense of relief becomes a powerful reinforcer of avoidance, and it’s easy to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of ducking and dodging the discomfort of actually doing.

Avoidance of uncomfortable situations, for all it’s real short-term benefits, can lead to very serious skills deficits.  Imagine the uncomfortable situation is swimming.  Plenty of people are scared of swimming.  One strategy for managing this fear is avoidance.  “If I never get in the water, I’ll be fine.”  There’s truth in that statement.  Avoidance works if the primary goal is to avoid feeling fear/anxiety//etc.  If the goal, however, is to be safer or feel safer near water, avoidance can’t get you there.  If the goal is to learn to swim, avoidance is the least effective thing you can do.

This provides a clear example of avoidance in action.  In our day-to-day lives, avoidance may be much more subtle.  You may avoid a conversation or an email.  You may avoid a place or a task.  You may work to avoid a thought or a feeling.  These efforts to avoid almost always waste energy, consuming your capacity to pursue what you want while you’re busy running from the discomfort in your life.  The brain’s ability to rationalize and justify is put to full use, and countless explanations (excuses) are created to support the decision to avoid.

Common Avoidance Strategies

“I’ll do it later.” is a classic justification for procrastinators around the world. “I’ll do it after ________.” is another easy way to avoid actual engagement in a task.  Netflix has been a boon to avoiders everywhere.

“I can’t do it.” is the rallying cry for people avoiding academic assignments, exercise, crucial conversations, and every other uncomfortable task.  A close cousin to the “I can’t do it” form of avoidance is the “I don’t have time” statement.  You can do, and you can make time.  The more honest statement is…”I’m not willing to suffer the consequences of doing it.”

“I’ll get more prepared instead.” is a slightly more sophisticated way to avoid – choosing, perhaps, the lessor of two uncomfortable endeavors.  “I’ll read a book about how to swim instead.”  I can assure you that no one ever felt safe and confident in the water without actually getting in the water.  This strategy of avoidance is common in high achievers and those that are reliant on knowledge for comfort.  Gaining more knowledge about a topic can be way to avoid the doing and to avoid the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that come with doing.  It’s a very strong, rational justification for avoidance….but it’s still avoidance.

Stop Avoiding, Get Engaged

Depending on the sophistication of your avoidance, you may face some serious challenges in recognizing and overcoming the habit.  You can start by asking these simple questions:

“Why is this important to me?” If you’re avoiding something, you’ve given yourself more reasons (or at least more important reasons) to NOT do it than TO do it.  Once you see patterns of avoidance popping up, look at what you’re avoiding, and focus on the justification for doing it.  Our swimmer might start by saying they value personal growth and challenge.  They can remind themselves that they want to be a playmate and protector to their water-loving children.  Regardless of the “why,” make sure it’s readily available when you’re faced with the urge to avoid.

“What can I do?”  By using all the horsepower in your brain to answer an affirmative, action-oriented question, you disengage from avoidance and start moving toward the goal.  Be a problem-solver.  Brainstorm until you have some specific actions that can move you toward the desired goal or value.  If you discover the avoidance continues…just ask the question again until you start taking action.

“What am I willing to experience?”  Let’s be honest, some experiences are going to be uncomfortable, and we’re not going to eliminate all unpleasantness from life.  So ask yourself what thoughts, emotions, urges, and sensations you’re willing to deal with to engage in life and do what you want to do.  In the example above, our fearful swimmer may want to acknowledge…”I’m willing to think I don’t need to swim.  I’m willing to be scared.  I’m willing to have the urge to runaway, and I’m willing to sweat from my palms.”  If they’re willing to experience all that and still get in the pool for lesson #1, they can overcome avoidance.  Read more about the tricky business of willingness here.