Posted on

Personal Identity in Five Questions

 

Philosophers have been working since the dawn of time to determine the meaning of life, to understand the purpose of human existence.  We’ll leave the existential questions to the philosophers.  Let’s tackle something slightly less complex (but still perplexing at times).  Seeking and finding personal identity be an exhausting quest.  It requires some reflection and meaningful deliberation, but identity can effectively be boiled down to five questions.

What’s your name?

What’s title best describes your role?

What larger community do you affiliate yourself with?

What pain has shaped you?

What’s achievement or value drives you through life?

Full disclosure – I pulled these questions from a movie, Glatiador (2001).  As you can see in the text below, Maximus states his name, his professional titles in the military.  He pledges his allegiance to Marcus Aurelius then describes the trauma he has suffered before proclaiming his primary mission in life is vengeance*.

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

The video provides context for the scene, making it clear that Maximus, by sharing his personal identity, has literally put his life at risk.  His titles, affiliations, traumas, and his purpose put him at risk to be murdered.  Even now, there are people that put themselves in harms way when sharing their authentic identity. Associating with certain religions, sexual orientations, and beliefs can (and does) put people of risk of being assaulted and killed in some situations.

 

Even if you won’t be physically harmed, professing affiliations and core motivations leaves you at risk.  To be authentic is to be vulnerable.  You make yourself vulnerable to social judgement, ridicule, and marginalization. People can use your pain and ambitions to manipulate or hurt you.  While these risks are real, there is great value in sharing your authentic self.

Without embracing your identity, without sharing it with others, it becomes almost impossible to cultivate genuine social connections.  Relationships remain superficial until both people involved are vulnerable and authentic.  The five questions listed above are important for understanding yourself, but the answers become infinitely more powerful when you gain the courage to share them with the people around you.  Could you share that identity with your friends?  Your family?  Your coworkers? A stranger on the street?  A stadium full of people?  To share yourself completely is to accept completely and to trust completely.  Are you ready for that?

*Revenge is an extremely popular plot device; however, it rarely leads to healthy mental and emotional functioning outside of these fictional stories.

Posted on

Avoidance: The Burden of Dodging Burdens

Avoidance (and attempted avoidance) is one of the biggest sources of mental and emotional distress.  Avoidance may offer some immediate gratification, a sense of escape and relief.  You may even feel victorious if you’ve dodged a stressful task for another day or compartmentalized an emotion for another week.  That sense of relief becomes a powerful reinforcer of avoidance, and it’s easy to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of ducking and dodging the discomfort of actually doing.

Avoidance of uncomfortable situations, for all it’s real short-term benefits, can lead to very serious skills deficits.  Imagine the uncomfortable situation is swimming.  Plenty of people are scared of swimming.  One strategy for managing this fear is avoidance.  “If I never get in the water, I’ll be fine.”  There’s truth in that statement.  Avoidance works if the primary goal is to avoid feeling fear/anxiety//etc.  If the goal, however, is to be safer or feel safer near water, avoidance can’t get you there.  If the goal is to learn to swim, avoidance is the least effective thing you can do.

This provides a clear example of avoidance in action.  In our day-to-day lives, avoidance may be much more subtle.  You may avoid a conversation or an email.  You may avoid a place or a task.  You may work to avoid a thought or a feeling.  These efforts to avoid almost always waste energy, consuming your capacity to pursue what you want while you’re busy running from the discomfort in your life.  The brain’s ability to rationalize and justify is put to full use, and countless explanations (excuses) are created to support the decision to avoid.

Common Avoidance Strategies

“I’ll do it later.” is a classic justification for procrastinators around the world. “I’ll do it after ________.” is another easy way to avoid actual engagement in a task.  Netflix has been a boon to avoiders everywhere.

“I can’t do it.” is the rallying cry for people avoiding academic assignments, exercise, crucial conversations, and every other uncomfortable task.  A close cousin to the “I can’t do it” form of avoidance is the “I don’t have time” statement.  You can do, and you can make time.  The more honest statement is…”I’m not willing to suffer the consequences of doing it.”

“I’ll get more prepared instead.” is a slightly more sophisticated way to avoid – choosing, perhaps, the lessor of two uncomfortable endeavors.  “I’ll read a book about how to swim instead.”  I can assure you that no one ever felt safe and confident in the water without actually getting in the water.  This strategy of avoidance is common in high achievers and those that are reliant on knowledge for comfort.  Gaining more knowledge about a topic can be way to avoid the doing and to avoid the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that come with doing.  It’s a very strong, rational justification for avoidance….but it’s still avoidance.

Stop Avoiding, Get Engaged

Depending on the sophistication of your avoidance, you may face some serious challenges in recognizing and overcoming the habit.  You can start by asking these simple questions:

“Why is this important to me?” If you’re avoiding something, you’ve given yourself more reasons (or at least more important reasons) to NOT do it than TO do it.  Once you see patterns of avoidance popping up, look at what you’re avoiding, and focus on the justification for doing it.  Our swimmer might start by saying they value personal growth and challenge.  They can remind themselves that they want to be a playmate and protector to their water-loving children.  Regardless of the “why,” make sure it’s readily available when you’re faced with the urge to avoid.

“What can I do?”  By using all the horsepower in your brain to answer an affirmative, action-oriented question, you disengage from avoidance and start moving toward the goal.  Be a problem-solver.  Brainstorm until you have some specific actions that can move you toward the desired goal or value.  If you discover the avoidance continues…just ask the question again until you start taking action.

“What am I willing to experience?”  Let’s be honest, some experiences are going to be uncomfortable, and we’re not going to eliminate all unpleasantness from life.  So ask yourself what thoughts, emotions, urges, and sensations you’re willing to deal with to engage in life and do what you want to do.  In the example above, our fearful swimmer may want to acknowledge…”I’m willing to think I don’t need to swim.  I’m willing to be scared.  I’m willing to have the urge to runaway, and I’m willing to sweat from my palms.”  If they’re willing to experience all that and still get in the pool for lesson #1, they can overcome avoidance.  Read more about the tricky business of willingness here.

 

 

Posted on

Critic or Coach? Why “truth” isn’t necessarily the most helpful approach.

Critics are paid professionals that are expected to pass judgement.  Whether it’s food, a performance, a movie, or any other experience, honesty is vital their livelihood.  Without honestly, their opinions (which they’re paid to have) may no longer be valued or respected.  Critics serve a purpose, but it is rarely their intention to be, in any way, helpful to the objects of their evaluations.  Despite this spectacularly unhelpful stance, many of us fall into being critics of ourselves – evaluating and judging our behaviors and experiences without regard to the utter lack of value it brings.  Streams of critical thoughts may seem as natural as breathing in some circumstances.

“I’m so stupid/such an idiot/so irresponsible/so lazy/fat/ugly/short/depressed/etc.”

“I’m a horrible parent because I did (or didn’t do) ____________”

“If I wasn’t such a bad husband, I would ____________”

“I’m not good enough to ____________”

These criticism rarely, if ever, serve to effectively and efficiently motivate healthy change.  There may be some honest evaluation going on, but what purpose does it serve?  It fuels the furnace of guilt and self-loathing and only occasionally motivates change. In the long-run, this strategy is highly destructive.

Leave the criticism to the critics.  Unless you get paid to ruminate on your shortcomings, it’s time to switch gears.

Be coach.

Great coaches don’t dwell on the negative.  They make appropriate evaluations, but spend more time praising and encouraging the best aspects of their players.  Despite any shortcomings, they focus on what their teams do well.  When faced with failure or a daunting task, they refocus on “how” the team plays more than what the outcome is.  Win or lose – play hard, push yourself, acknowledge your teammates, and keep working.  Coaches know it sucks to lose.  Coaches get that players make mistakes. Coaches understand the tendency to be self-depreciating.  They respond with acceptance and encouragement – “Keep your head up! Keep working!”

Critics are paid to judge, coaches are paid to win.  Which offers you the be chances of flourishing?  How do you want to spend your time and energy?   Which internal narrative would be more helpful to you?

 

 

Posted on

All the Best Movies are Love Stories

I’m a big fan of movies.  I like watching them, reading about them, talking about them, and analyzing them.  As much as possible, I revel in the movie watching experience.  At home it’s about popping popcorn, turning down the lights, and getting comfortable.  If I’m fortunate enough to get out of the house and go to the theater, the complete experience includes popcorn(no “butter”), Hot Tamales, and an ice cold drink.  I get to the theater early so I can pick the seat I want, and I wait with anticipation for the first trailers to flash onto the big screen.

I’m thoroughly and completely engrossed in all things cinema, and that’s why I love to ask people about the movies that mean the most to them.  I’ve gone beyond the “favorite movie” question.  It’s not a fair question.  There are too many considerations for anyone to genuinely identify a single favorite movie.  I’ve taken to asking a variation of the question that gets more directly to the things I want to know about.

“If you were stuck on a desert island and could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?”

This question requires a level of commitment to a movie.  It calls for identification of the most compelling aspects of a film.  It eliminates the movies that are good the first time, then lose steam.  It dismisses movies that are perfect for particular moments or situations, but can’t be counted on under unknown circumstances.  To pick a movie you can be entertained by for the rest of your life goes beyond favorites and gets to genuine connection.

For more than a decade, my own answer to this question has been the same.  I passionately answer, “The Princess Bride.”

The movie strikes the perfect notes, delivering anything and everything I might need in the movie-watching experience.  Romance?  Got it.  Adventure?  Got it.  Revenge? Got it.  Mystery?  Got it.  Friendship?  Got it.  Courage, mortality, humor, conviction, sacrifice, magic, mercy, compassion, swords, morality, underdogs, sarcasm, surprise, villians, heroes, giants, and a battle of wits?  Got it.  It’s a movie that I can quote, and often do.  It’s a movie I’ve watched with my parents, my wife, my kids, and many of my best friends over the years.  There are moments of distress, suspense, fear, sadness, and pain, but it never dwells there.  The idea that love and hope can overcome hate, greed, and deceit flows through the entire story.

Not everyone would pick “The Princess Bride” as their desert island movie, but I’ll firmly claim that any movie they choose will be built on the foundations of love and hope.  In fact, all the best movies are love stories.  Neo only understands The Matrix after Trinity confesses her love for him.  William Wallace would have been a humble farmer had the love of his life been spared.  If Anakin doesn’t love his son, maybe the force never awakens.  Andy loves Woody and Woody loves Andy.  Steve Rogers loves his friends and his country.  Maximus Decimus Meridius, driven by the love of his family, brought down an emperor.  Jon McClane couldn’t let anything happen to his wife and ended up thwarting several major terrorist attacks.  Django’s love never faded despite time and distance.  Clarence would have faced any danger for Alabama.  Love story after love story.  Not all of them are romances, but they’re definitely love stories.

I’ve never watched enjoyed a movie that didn’t root itself in some type of love.  Some are more covert than others, but I promise you – your favorite movie is a love story.  If you’re convinced, you may be asking why?  Well, it’s really quite obvious.  The human experience is given meaning through relationships, and the connections we build allow us to flourish in life.  There is no better motivator, nothing more fulfilling, no emotion stronger than love, the unwavering commitment to a relationship.  When films allow us to witness that, and to relive it, or imagine ourselves driven by the same connections, we can’t help feeling enthralled.

So…what movie would you watch if you were stranded on a desert island? Why.