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Why is Happiness So Elusive?

It’s fairly safe to generalize and say that everyone wants to be happy.  Happiness is a comfortable, pleasant emotion.  No one has ever said, “Man, I’ve been happy forever.  It would be nice to have just a few days of sadness.”

So why do so few people seem to genuinely arrive at this elusive happy place?  There are many reasons, but most of them are unknown to the layperson, and even after explaining the problems, most people won’t do what it actually takes to cultivate happiness.

First problem is that we talk about happiness as if it is a permanent state of being rather than the fleeting emotional experience that it actually is.  It’s discussed as an end goal rather than a temporary state of being.  If true happiness is the persistent absence of all uncomfortable emotions…it becomes an impossible state to reach.  This problem creates a dilemma where the pursuit of happiness results in perpetual failure, effectively reducing happiness.  Ouch!

Another problem is that our minds have the capacity to predict how we’ll feel in a particular situation.  All the “If I owned…”  “If I could just…” “If they would only…” scenarios get played out in our heads and make it easy to assume that we could be happy give the right circumstances.  Unfortunately, we consistently overvalue our predictions, and tend to think things will make us happier than they actually do.  This over-reliance on faulty prediction sets us up to feel disappointed rather than happy.  Ouch again!

On top of that, we have become a culture full of choices and information.  That becomes problematic when we’re give the opportunity to evaluate options and make choices.  Most proper evaluations examine both sides of each option, highlight the pros and cons of all potential choices.   While this analysis can ensure wise and responsible choices, it can also undermine happiness.  By spending the time to create the pros and cons list, we highlight the negative aspects of whatever choice we make while also highlighting the positive aspects of the alternative choices.  It’s like there’s no winning here.

So what’s the remedy.  Well, we can’t cover all our basis, but lets address the key factors I’ve already brought up.  Do your best to accept that happiness is simply an emotion not a permanent destination.  Work to visit often but don’t expect to stay.  Recognize that your predictions about what will make you happy are probably wrong.  You’ll be better off cultivate appreciation for what you have rather than trying to gather more things.  Minimize or eliminate choice wherever you can, then focus on developing genuine gratitude for the choices you’ve made.  Reduce the criticism and judgment and look for all the things you can appreciate.

Dan Gilbert can walk you through some great research on this topic in his TED talk.

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What is Awe?

I’ve been an advocate for awesomeness for many years (read more here), but I’ve just recently started diving into the research related to the study of awe.  Prior to this, my ideas about finding the awesome were based largely on research focused on mindfulness and gratitude.

It turns out, experiencing awe is whole separate beast.  Make no mistake, awe is closely related to gratitude and mindfulness, but there are important aspects that create clear distinctions.

Scientist suggest that one of two primary factors are necessary to experience awe, and both tap into a perception of vastness.  First, awe requires a sense of something that is bigger than ourselves.  This can be physically large (mountains, buildings, oceans, light-years, etc.), temporally expansive (passage of decades, centuries, millennia, etc.) or any other version of vastness.  The second prerequisite is the sense that the experience is beyond our ability to fully comprehend.  Recollect the awe-inspiring magic tricks of your youth, and you will have a simple example of how lack of comprehension creates awe.  You can also follow that path down memory lane to the point when you discover how the trick is done.  That’s likely the exact moment when “magic” lost it’s ability to inspire awe.

Vastness conjures images of majestic natural and man-made wonders.  The Grand Canyon, Great Wall of China, Mount Rainer, and the Empire State Building are frequently instilling awe – they’re big, they’re old, and it’s tough to fully grasp the how and when of their creation.  I’m certain you could come up with a similar list of things that have instilled feelings of awe.  Actually…it would be helpful if you did make that list.  Writing down our experiences of awe helps us build memories and access those feelings more readily.  Even if you only take a few minutes, see what it’s like to write about one thing that has inspired awe – write about it’s vastness and how you felt in relation to that vastness.

Now, we get to the surprising part.  As someone that has spent hundreds of nights hiking and sleeping under the open sky, I had a firm understanding of how awesome (literally) our natural environment can be.  It’s pretty easy to experience awe in the midst of wilderness.  The research supports this; however, nature is not the most consistent trigger of awe.  When scientists complied data from around the world, they found that social experiences were the most consistently identified triggers of awe.  Specifically, witnessing birth, death, and the generosity of others had the biggest impact.  Those three things, while not necessarily physically or temporally vast, can certainly be difficult to fully comprehend.  How do I wrap my head around the idea that two humans can create a third living-breathing person?  How do I make sense of the extinction of the same human life?  And, how do I make sense of a truly selfless act?  An act that could theoretically result in an expedited end to the generous person’s life?

Every culture has found a way to explain these awe-inspiring events, and most of them have created systems and entities of vastness to explain life, death, and generosity.  Whether it’s a version of an all powerful creator or a resting place that has no limitations of time or space, our cultural explanations for the awe in day-to-day life only serve to expand and amplify the sense of awe.  That makes sense, right?  The only way to explain an awesome experience is through something equally or more awesome.  Both science and religion end up at the same place when explaining awe-inspiring experiences.  Science concludes that the universe is 14 billion years old (vast and impossible to comprehend).  Many religions conclude that the world was created by one or more unearthly entities (vast and impossible to comprehend).  I guess we can’t help ourselves when it comes to trying to make sense of the world we live in, but when it comes to awe, the only explanation of awesomeness is more awesomeness.  I like that.

Now lets zoom-in.  Forget that the universe is 14 billion years old and two living things can create another using virtually no resources.  Let’s look at the third example of awesomeness in social life.  When reflecting on powerful experiences, right alongside life and death (and on the same list of awe-inspiring stuff like the Pyramids) is witnessing acts of generosity.  This gets me extra excited because I CAN DO THAT.  I can be generous.  Plus, I can appreciate the generosity of those around me everyday.  By simply paying closer attention (being mindful) and working to recognize the generosity of others (being grateful), I get to experience awe on daily basis.

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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: 3

In the first two installments we explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Now, it’s on to Emotional Reasoning and, one of my personal favorites, Should Statements.

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  •  Emotional Reasoning: When reality becomes distorted by Emotional Reasoning, we’ve allowed emotions to be in the driver’s seat while we sit in the back, eyes closed and hoping for the best.  Our emotional experience defines the entire experience.  Some examples are personal and internal – “I felt anxious before/during/after the presentation, so it must have been horrible.”  Notice the evaluation of the situation is based entirely on the emotion rather than the actual execution of the presentation.  While emotional reasoning applied to performances can drastically reduce your ability to feel successful, when it’s applied to broader concepts it can be even more harmful.  “I feel worthless, so I must have done done something wrong or I must not be doing enough”  “I feel sad, so it’s going to be a bad day…It will be impossible to enjoy anything.” This type of reasoning can be equally destructive in interpersonal relationships.  “I feel hurt, so Johnny must have done something wrong.”  Again, you’ll notice that the evaluation has nothing to do with what’s being evaluated; it’s based solely on the emotional experience.

Challenging Emotional Reasoning:  In every example above, the disconnect between the evaluation and the target of evaluation was clear, and it’s much harder to see that distinction when you’re the one in the situation.  Therefore, to successfully change this distortion, one of the first things we want to do is increase awareness and acceptance of emotions WITHOUT EVALUATION.  The practice involves identifying and describing emotions…then stopping the narrative.  “I feel hurt..my muscles are tense; I’m hot; I’m crying.”  There is no need to judge yourself, your emotions, or anybody else when you’re hurt.  Identify it, describe it, and then decide what action you want to take (if any).  “I’m hurt.  I feel it in my whole body.  I want to exercise because when I’m hurt, taking care of myself is even more important.”  Another strategy for dealing with emotional reasoning is to preemptively define success without depending on emotions.  Setting a goal like “I’m going to be super relaxed during my presentation.” means your success is based exclusively on your emotions (which you have limited control over).  When you define success by other more behavioral factors (finishing within the time limit, maintaining eye contact, etc.), you can be anxious and successful.  Whenever you recognize your emotions leading you down a path of judgement, criticism, or any other form of distorted thinking, step away from the situation, acknowledge and accept the emotions, then proceed according to your values instead of listening exclusively to your emotions.

  • Should Statements:  Why are “should” statements my favorite?  Two main reasons.  First, we use “should” so ubiquitously that everyone has multiple opportunities to catch this pattern of distorted thinking on a daily basis.  Secondly, there are really straight forward ways of challenging these phrases.  So, what is a “should” statement.  Any time you use “should” you’re committing a small act of harm to your mental well-being.  The more powerful the “should,” the more destructive it becomes.  How can such a common word be so detrimental?  It has to do with the subtle impact our language has on our beliefs and emotions.  Every time we use the word “should” there is some amount of judgment and criticism that go along with it.  “He should be doing his homework.” means that there is something wrong with him for not doing it, and he would be doing it “right” if he were doing his homework.  “I should exercise more” carries the same subtle judgment – “I’m bad because of the amount of exercise I’m currently doing and I would be good if I exercised more”  Whether it’s directed at yourself or someone else, that judgment and criticism, overtime, can be toxic.  Another component that makes “should” harmful is the battle it consistently establishes.  It’s a battle that sets you up to lose every time you use the word.  “Should” implies that reality is not acceptable – it argues that reality is wrong.  Reality, in any given moment, can’t be altered, and our past certainly can’t be changed.  “I should have…” only serves to function as a critical (and largely unnecessary) judgment of something that cannot be changed.  (Could, would, ought, and need are close cousins to “should” and create similar harmful effects).

One last problem with “shoulding.”  It allows the user to feel righteous and therefore   avoid responsibility for being an active participant in changing.  Proclaiming how things “should” be, frequently leaves people feeling justified in their own inaction.  “She should know better.” “He shouldn’t have said that.” “They should stop.” “This shop should be open.”  The onus is placed firmly on the proverbial “other” to be responsible for change, greatly reducing the possibility of finding effective solutions.

Challenging “Should” Statements: Once it’s in your head that “should” is causing harm, you’ll start to recognize all the places you use it, directed at yourself and others.  Replacing it can be difficult, even though it’s relatively a simple process of word replacement.  In most circumstances, swapping “should” for “I want” is enough.  “I want him to do his homework” and “I want to exercise more” moves away from judgment and toward healthy identification of preferences.  Stick with the facts here.  Instead of “should,” simply describe the circumstances.  “I exercised for 20 minutes two days this week.  I want to exercise for 30 minutes on three days next week”   Stay solution oriented and future oriented.  “Shoulds” can also be an indicator that expectations or boundaries have not been assertively communicated (or consequences haven’t been effectively applied) with others or clear goals haven’t been set for yourself.

If you find yourself “shoulding” take the time to write down what you want and make a plan for how to get it.  Look at what you can do differently to help things go the way you want them to go.  When “shoulds” are applied retroactively, a slightly different approach can be used.  Rather than judging the past, focus on the future.  “Next time I will…” or “In the future I want to…” This reframes the potential solution, making it less about a harsh judgment and verbal punishment, and more about productive action.

Next we’ll cover Personalization and False Permanence.

 

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IT’S A TRAP! 10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns

We all get ourselves a little twisted sometimes.  I start to think the world will collapse if I miss the trailers that run before the movie starts at the theater.  I question my ability to function as an adult when I occasionally falter in completing my responsibilities (as a parent, business owner, therapist, etc.).  Sometimes, I blame others, complain unnecessarily, and make utterly unhelpful assumptions about my circumstances and the people around me. In summary, I can simply say…I am human.  My mind carries me to places that create and amplify distress without regard to reality.  My thoughts become distorted and I suffer the consequences.  The examples above are a few common iterations of distorted thinking.  Over the next few weeks, I’ll breakdown some of the more destructive patterns and offer tips on how to manage these ten beasts:

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanance
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

As you begin to challenge these distortions, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts you recognize and the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  •  Catastrophizing:  With this distortion, all things become epic disasters (at least in your head).  When we catastrophize, a poor grade on a test becomes a wasted semester.  An unanswered phone-call becomes a break-up, a death, or some sort of missing person scenario.  Stomach pain becomes an aggressive cancerous tumor, and being late for a meeting becomes certain termination and chronic unemployment.

Challenging Catastrophizing:  This negative fortune-telling often stems from the question, “What if…?”  One solution is to answer the “what if…” question in a way that is NOT distressing.  The poor grade on the test merely means some additional studying on the next test.  The unanswered phone call is because of a mid-afternoon nap or a phone that was incapacitated due to being dropped in the toilet.  More important than making a more optimistic prediction is the recognition that the assumptions we make are nothing more than creative thinking, a short-story brainstorming session, a fiction writing workshop. There is no need to respond (emotionally or otherwise) as if those thoughts/prediction/assumptions are reality.  If you “just know” something horrible is going to happy, you’re likely catastrophizing and would benefit from loosening your grip on the negative narrative.

  • Mental Filter:  An oil filter removes foreign objects to keep your engine running smoothly.  A pool filter keeps the water free of debris, allowing you to enjoy a cool dip in pristine water.  The distorted mental filter, however, leaves you with only the gunk, eliminating the helpful, supportive, validating thoughts necessary for us to flourish. There are two major types of filter and they are often applied together.  Both are frequently self-directed, but they can be just as harmful in interpersonal relationships.
    1. Focusing on the negative:  One version of this filter effortlessly and automatically hones in on all the worst aspects of any experience.  Did you misspell one word in that 10-page assignment?  The negative mental filter focuses in on that solitary mistake and shouts “FAILURE” rather that embracing the accomplishment of completing a lengthy assignment (even if there were a few mistakes).  A great evening out with your spouse may go down the tubes because of a 5-minute conflict or one awkward moment.  One small piece of constructive feedback from a boss after heaping praise on you?  Focusing on the negative has you believing the boss is going to fire you (or at least hoping you quit).
    2. Dismissing the positive:  This form of the mental filter often goes hand-in-hand with a negative focus…but it doesn’t even require you to make an actual mistake or have an uncomfortable experience.  When you’re automatic response to a compliment is, “You’re just being nice” or “You don’t really mean that.”  You’re viewing life through this filter.  When you win the gold medal and follow it with a “Yeah, but….” you’re becoming more effective at diluting, dismissing, rejecting, and otherwise avoiding the joyful experiences in your life.  Dismissing the positive means you don’t receive, in any genuine way, the validation, recognition, or appreciation being offered in your daily interactions.

Challenging the Mental Filter:  When you find yourself focusing on the negative, strive for balance – the ability to identify and embrace the dichotomy inherent in everything.  KEYWORD = AND.  “I wrote a great paper AND there were a couple mistakes.”  “My supervisor likes my customer service AND I’ve still got a few things to learn about the computer system.”  To challenge the tendency to dismiss the positive, work on providing yourself a little more validation, recognition, and appreciation on your own terms.  Find a reason to pat yourself on the back.  If you’re not that impressed with winning the gold medal, congratulate yourself on the hard work and commitment the award symbolizes.  Just find the reason.  Some days that reason is small – getting out of bed, eating something besides Doritos for breakfast, or just brushing your teeth.  Don’t let the relative simplicity of the task stop you from celebrating the accomplishment.  When other people compliment you or want to recognize your greatness in some way, say “thank you,” and refrain from discrediting their high opinion of you*.  Also see ‘Coach or Critic‘ for more thoughts on how be be a little less self-critical.

*This pertains to compliments and positive feedback delivered in a respectful way by well meaning individuals.  “Compliments” in the form of cat-calls or unsolicited objectification can be summarily ignored, redirected, rejected or confronted as necessary.

 

Next time, we’ll breakdown how Black-and-White Thinking and Mind-reading can get us into trouble

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Skills I’d Rather Not Have: Inventing Catastrophe

We’re generally more attuned to potential dangers, to things that can harm us or put our lives at risk.  Our brains have been honed to see the snake in the grass, the poisonous berry, the lurking enemy, and the loose step.  In facing these threats, we fill-in any gaps of knowledge with a narrative that makes sense.  We want to create some certainty in a precarious situation, and we do that by creating stories to make all the pieces fit.  Based on observations and the emotional experience, what makes the most sense?  When we’re hurt, scared, or otherwise suffering, that narrative turns dark quickly.  The driver in front of you that failed to use their blinker (you recognize the potential danger and now feel mildly scared) gets caught up in a narrative that completes the story of “The idiot that tried to kill me and is probably the worst driver in the world because why would anyone not use their blinker……etc.”  This explanation justifies the fear.  If the narrative was, “That responsible driver had a minor oversight in the application of normal safety protocols, but it didn’t really impact my safety in the grand scheme of things” the fear would have no rational explanation.

Our internal narrative acts to justify our emotional responses, to explain them, to make them more predictable. Unfortunately, these justifications often only serve to intensify and/or prolong the emotions.  This effect of emotional amplification is common when we try to rationalize, control, or judge our our emotional experiences.

In our heads, the airplane turbulence quickly become a failing engine.  The coughing child is informally diagnosed with tuberculosis.  The angry boss is definitely making plans to fire half the department. Perceived threats lead to fear, fear motivates the need for an explanation, and our minds happily oblige, providing a narrative that is often unhelpful to say the least.

There are two primary approaches to managing this problem.

  1.  Change the narrative.  Take control over the story, and create a narrative that does NOT intensify or prolong the uncomfortable emotions.  It can be a reasonable alternative or a ridiculous exercise in creative writing.  Perhaps that turbulence is a slight breeze that will subside momentarily.  Or, it could be that Superman was flying along beside the plane and gave us a little nudge.  When you take control of the narrative, you can influence the emotional response.
  2. Accept the emotion.  Acknowledge the fear, observe the narrative, and work to let it be.  Let yourself be scared without a “reasonable” explanation. It’s okay to be scared when you hit turbulence (It’s always okay to be scared).  Allow yourself to complete this sentence “I’m scared and….”  You can be scared and imagine all the most horrible things that could happen during a plane crash (that’s what we want to avoid).  Alternatively, you can feel scared and take some controlled breaths.  You can feel scared and chat with the person next to you.  You can feel scared and play Tetris on your phone.  Engaging in actual behaviors can help move you out of the narrative in your head.

Both approaches go against the default strategies of most people, making them especially challenging to apply when facing a perceived threat.  It takes self-awareness and practice, but the benefits are ubiquitous.

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Beyond the Buzzword: Mindfulness

Mindfulness has become popularized in the last several years.  With the explosion of yoga for physical fitness and increased use in psychotherapeutic interventions, mindfulness has become commonplace.  But what does it mean?  Does the CEO prompting his employees to be mindful mean the same thing as the instructor of the hot yoga class you take on Saturday morning?  Does being a mindful parent create different outcomes than the mindfulness taught in schools?  Do you have to meditate or chant “ohm” to be mindful?  Can you be mad, stressed, scared, and overwhelmed and still be mindful?

Anyone can be mindful and they can do it whenever they want.  I’ll try to simplify as much as I can while explaining mindfulness in a way that goes well beyond the buzzword and the image of the meditating yogi.  Boiling it down to a single sentence, it looks like this:

Mindfulness is the ability to control attention, non-judgmentally, in the present moment.

Now, let me unpack those three primary components.
1. Controlling Attention: This does not equate to controlling specific thoughts or emotions. Controlling attention involves the ability to focus and refocus with intention.  It’s the ability to recognize the thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they happen then choose what you focus on and how you pay attention it.  Our mind, left to its own devices, wanders.  That’s normal; that’s to be expected.  Through some consistent effort, we can improve our ability to maintain focus and be more mindful.

2. Acceptance: This is the opposite of judgement. Observing our thoughts, emotions, and sensations without evaluating or passing judgement is often a major paradigm shift in terms of how we interact with our experiences.  Being genuinely mindful requires the practice of compassionate observation.  Judging experiences as “good” or “bad”, sorting thoughts into “should be having” and “shouldn’t be having”, or delineating emotions into “strong” and “weak”, only serves to distance us from the reality of the experience.  This lack of acceptance creates some inherent discomfort.  By observing and accepting our internal and external experiences without judgment, we can engage without the self-created (and unnecessary burden) of “right” and “wrong”, allowing us to be a bit more comfortable and make more room for joy.

3. Remaining Present: We experience more than enough in any given moment to safely let go of the past and stay out of the future without fear of being bored or unfulfilled. However, to be content in the present moment requires the previous two skills. Without the ability to control attention, the present moment can quickly become overwhelming.  Without acceptance, the present moment can be unbearably uncomfortable due to the incessant judgment. Ultimately our experience is the accumulation of single moments, so being able to engage with each moment will lead to a more fulfilling experience.

At any time, you can apply these three basic components in order to effectively practice mindfulness.  While you do the dishes, pay attention to how the water feels on your skin, or the sound of the water as you rinse the dishes.  Do that without judging the feelings or evaluating the sound and BOOM!  You were just mindful.  Sitting in traffic?  Notice your thoughts, imagine them drifting through your head, and allow them to be there.  BOOM!  You did it again.  You were mindful.  It’s as simple as that.

Go.  Be mindful.  Let me know how it goes.

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Critic or Coach? Why “truth” isn’t necessarily the most helpful approach.

Critics are paid professionals that are expected to pass judgement.  Whether it’s food, a performance, a movie, or any other experience, honesty is vital their livelihood.  Without honestly, their opinions (which they’re paid to have) may no longer be valued or respected.  Critics serve a purpose, but it is rarely their intention to be, in any way, helpful to the objects of their evaluations.  Despite this spectacularly unhelpful stance, many of us fall into being critics of ourselves – evaluating and judging our behaviors and experiences without regard to the utter lack of value it brings.  Streams of critical thoughts may seem as natural as breathing in some circumstances.

“I’m so stupid/such an idiot/so irresponsible/so lazy/fat/ugly/short/depressed/etc.”

“I’m a horrible parent because I did (or didn’t do) ____________”

“If I wasn’t such a bad husband, I would ____________”

“I’m not good enough to ____________”

These criticism rarely, if ever, serve to effectively and efficiently motivate healthy change.  There may be some honest evaluation going on, but what purpose does it serve?  It fuels the furnace of guilt and self-loathing and only occasionally motivates change. In the long-run, this strategy is highly destructive.

Leave the criticism to the critics.  Unless you get paid to ruminate on your shortcomings, it’s time to switch gears.

Be coach.

Great coaches don’t dwell on the negative.  They make appropriate evaluations, but spend more time praising and encouraging the best aspects of their players.  Despite any shortcomings, they focus on what their teams do well.  When faced with failure or a daunting task, they refocus on “how” the team plays more than what the outcome is.  Win or lose – play hard, push yourself, acknowledge your teammates, and keep working.  Coaches know it sucks to lose.  Coaches get that players make mistakes. Coaches understand the tendency to be self-depreciating.  They respond with acceptance and encouragement – “Keep your head up! Keep working!”

Critics are paid to judge, coaches are paid to win.  Which offers you the be chances of flourishing?  How do you want to spend your time and energy?   Which internal narrative would be more helpful to you?

 

 

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Tricky Business of Sincere Acceptance

For years acceptance has been the pinnacle of the grieving process.  Acceptance is a cornerstone of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It’s also fundamental to Eastern philosophies and practices such as Taoism, Buhhdism, meditation, and mindfulness.

All of these approaches promote acceptance.  Be accepting of thoughts and emotions.  Be accepting of situations and hardships.  Be accepting of yourself and other people.

Theoretically, acceptance will result in less suffering, less sadness, less anger – generally less discomfort in our lives.  Through years of practice and observation, I believe that is true.  I’ve shared and taught the ideals of acceptance to hundreds of people, and in nearly every instance, no matter what I do or how I explain the concepts, the same problem arises.

People want to use acceptance as a way to control their emotions.  They ask, “How will acceptance make my sadness go away.”  They wonder, “If I accept everything, how will I control it?”

Hopefully, you picked up on the complete contradiction in the previous sentences.  If not, let me explain.  Acceptance means you’ve relinquished all expectation for change; you’ve taken a role as an observer.  To say internally, or out-loud – “I accept that I’m sad” with the expectation that the sadness will go away is not acceptance at all.

Please don’t mistake the idea of acceptance with giving-up, surrendering, wallowing, or otherwise disconnecting from life.  Genuine acceptance does not equate to throwing your hands up and spending three days in bed watching three seasons of a mediocre show on Netflix.  That would be surrendering to sadness, not accepting it.

Genuine acceptance starts with nonjudgmental recognition – “I’m feeling sad.”  You may simply sit with that feeling, examining and experiencing the thoughts and sensations associated with the emotion.  After accepting that the feeling is present, you make the all-important decision about how you want to live your life (regardless of how you feel).  Here’s the key to accepting uncomfortable emotions.  You don’t have to wait for it to go away to start living life according to your values.  You can be sad and call a friend.  You can be sad and socialize.  You can be sad and make dinner for your family.  You can be sad and go to class.  You can be sad and be kind, trusting, generous, engaged, or dedicated.

All of this is easier said than done.  It requires clarity of personal values and goals.  It requires intentional practice related to active acceptance.  It requires self-compassion, patience, and vulnerability.  Use this guided exercise to take a proactive approach to emotional acceptance.

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Lessons from Shel: #2454. Who am I?

 

I frequently use this poem by Shel Silverstein to illustrate the importance of perspective and the pervasiveness of false dichotomies.  Read the poem then continue reading below.
When given an either-or proposition, it’s extremely easy to lose the nuanced experience of who we are and how we experience the world.

Are you a good mother with some bad ways or bad mother with some good ways?

Are you a kind person with some hateful habits or hateful person with some kind habits?

Was it a gorgeous sunset with some ugliness or an ugly sunset with some beauty shining through?

Are you a great friend with some disengaged days or a disengaged friend with some great days?

Was it a wonderful day or horrible day?

Before you invest in answering those questions, consider that in any given moment, both can be true.   As a mother, a father, a friend, or a sibling, you make contributions and cause distress.  Every sunset has it’s high points and low points.  Every day provides opportunities to revel in gratitude or complain incessantly.  As it becomes easier to lean toward the negative, it becomes increasingly important to maintain a balance.  Accept the struggles while actively acknowledging the (sometimes small) moments of awesomeness throughout the day.  Above all, hold on to the realization the you, and the world around you, is NEVER just one way.

 

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Simple rules for getting Superbetter!

It’s time to get superbetter.

A simple and effective way to cultivate more happiness and resilience in your life is to get SuperBetter by registering for the free website (www.superbetter.com) to constantly be challenged to put more positivity in your life. Based entirely on current research, the “quests” and “power ups” provide concrete actions you can take every day to give your productivity (and all around awesomeness) a boost. A few examples are provided below:

  • Physical Resilience: Get out of your chair right now and do 15 push-ups or lightly stretch for 1 minute
  • Mental Resilience: Take a minute and research that question that’s been nagging you – What do you call a group of ostriches? How can I increase my awesomeness?
  • Emotional Resilience: Write down the best thing that’s happened to you today, and take 10 seconds to enjoy it.
  • Social Resilience: Share this post with someone and let them know you think they’re awesome.

For the whole story behind SuperBetter and how it works, check out the creator’s TEDtalk