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Personal Growth Fueled by Chaos and Crisis

Even if we manage to maintain our physical health during this global pandemic, it may be impossible to avoid the mental and emotional distress caused by COVID-19.

We are facing situations that we’ve never imagined.  We’re being asked to isolate ourselves, remove ourselves from the very spaces that bring us joy and a sense of connection.  Work is different, home is different, recreation is different.  Most of us didn’t come into these circumstances with the mental fortitude to manage such drastic change with no foreseeable end to the turmoil. 

This is a time of significant distress, and we’re being expected to deal with it without some of our favorite (and most effective) coping strategies.  No socializing!  No going out to eat or grabbing drinks with friends!  Shopping? Not at Nike or the Apple Store.  Your gym closed. Your spa appointment got canceled. Your favorite sporting events are no longer happening.  The world is upside down!

You’ve got a lot more time to sit with your own thoughts and feelings.  At a time like this, that can be scary.  However, if you want to use this COVID quarantine as an opportunity to gain some valuable skills, following the outline below will help build an incredible ability to relax…even in the face of a global crisis.

We can’t just snap our fingers and be more mentally and emotionally fit, so we need to dive in and start cultivating our relaxation SKILLS.  The best place to start is with guided relaxation exercises.  That may sound simple, but there are literally thousands of guided relaxation exercises available online.  Some are definitely better than others.  Some will sound like nails on a chalkboard.  It will take you some time to find one that fits your personal needs and preferences. 

Just follow these steps and you’ll be feeling calmer in no time.

1.  Find a guided relaxation exercise that you’re willing to do on a regular basis.  Find a voice that you like (man vs. woman, accent vs. no accent).  Pay attention to the music or lack of music.  It may take 30 minutes or more to find an exercise that works for you – be patient, and keep looking until you find something that you can stick with.

2.  Keep your expectations realistic.  Practicing the skill of relaxation in an intentional way can be a challenge.  There may be moments of discomfort.  You may doubt the benefits in the short term.  Just like any other new skill we’re trying to master, relaxation can be awkward at first. Over time, with consistent practice, your skill will improve.

3.  Initially, practice for no more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.  Remember, consistency is the most important factor.  If you need to modify your goals, reduce the time of the exercise rather than frequency.  Two minutes, five times per week, is better than ten minutes once per week. 

4.  Understand that different exercises focus on different aspects of de-escalation. Try out a variety to see which works best for you.  Try any of the examples at http://infinitenorth.com/resources/  

Use the following categories to explore on your own.  You’ll notice several these types of exercises in the resources offered at www.infinitenorth.com

Mindfulness – These exercises focus on controlling attention, nonjudgmentally, in the present moment. Headspace is a great comprehensive app for mindfulness.

Autogenic Relaxation – These exercises focus on the transition to a sense of warm, heavy calmness throughout your body.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation – This is a slightly more active exercise focused on practicing tensing and relaxing major muscle groups.

Controlled Breathing or Diaphragmatic Breathing – These exercises simply focus on the breath, helping to increase awareness and support healthy regulation of our breathing patterns.

Guided Visualization or Guided Imagery – These exercises create relaxing mental escapes that we can retreat to whenever we need a break from reality (or just from our stressful thoughts).

Loving-kindness – These exercises focus on building a sense of compassion and connection.

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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: Part 5

So far we have explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Then,  it was on to Emotional Reasoning and Should Statements. Last time we examined the destructive nature of unnecessary Personalization and the “ALWAYS” scary False Permanence

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier perceptions of your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  • Blaming:  This particular distorted thinking pattern is a sneaky one.  It infiltrates common language usage on a daily basis.  Any time you use “________ makes me feel _______,” you’re using a form of blame to distance yourself from the emotional experience.  “You make me so angry” is a statement that blames someone else for your emotional experience.  Blame (like should) carries inherent judgment which can be personally and interpersonally destructive.  Blaming others in this away also pushes you away from other people, creating conflict rather than resolution.  Blame isn’t just for emotions though.

Blame is an equally damaging distortion when applied to our own behaviors.  “They made me do it” is a harmful way to escape the discomfort of personal responsibility; however, if others are in control of how you feel and what you do….the whole world becomes very unpredictable and unstable.  If you’re in the habit of blaming other people, or even circumstances, for your emotions and behavior, it creates a mentality that falsely absolves you of personal responsibility and strips your sense of self-efficacy.  Blaming, therefore, becomes a backhanded attack on your own capacity to validate your emotions and manage your behaviors.  If everyone/everything is always responsible…you can never feel successful.

Blame also paints you into a corner in terms of personal identity.  Blame creates a narrative with only one identity – righteous victim.  This role can protect you from vulnerability.  It can mask feelings of pain and helplessness with righteous anger, but people can also get stuck in that role, remaining hurt, powerless, and angry.

Challenging Blaming: The simple answer?  Stop blaming other people or circumstances for your feelings and conditions.  Clearly, the solution is more complex than that, but it’s a good place to start.  Start by rephrasing the way you express emotions.  “That movie made me sad” becomes “I feel sad when I watch movies about true love.”  Work to be consistent in your expression and start with “I feel ______ when _________.”  The difference may seem subtle, but the language we use (even in our own heads) has a huge impact on how we experience the world around us.  “You make me so mad” becomes “I feel angry when it seems like you’re ignoring me.”  Work to observe your feelings and circumstances without judgment or blame, and look for values-based actions you can take to move toward solutions.  Reflect, share, or journal to validate your emotions, and practice acceptance of those emotions without blame.  Create a narrative that acknowledges your personal choices as well as your capacity to make different choices moving forward.  Choose to build a personal identity consistent with the competent and capable individual that you are, and avoid falling into the “righteous victim” role.

  • Magical Thinking:  Magical Thinking distorts thoughts by shouting “TRUTH!” to the adage, “the grass is always greener…”  This type of thinking establishes false hope and wastes energy as people chase after frivolous, empty goals.  It often postpones meaningful action and shifts attention away from effectiveness.  Happiness or success or some version of those two is perpetually at your fingertips or just an arm’s length away.  “If I lost 10 pounds I’d be happy.”  “If I had a new boss, I’d love my job.” “If I could just move away for a while, everything would be different.”  The examples are endless, “If only he would….If only she said…If only they did…If only I was…”  In the meantime, while you wait for things and people around you to change, you’ve remained unhappy and stagnant.  Or perhaps you’ve exhausted yourself trying to make those things happen, only to find that checking that box didn’t deliver happiness at all.  Finding contentment in life will never be about checking a box, accomplishing a goal, or attaining some external status.  Contentment comes from a way of being, an internal shift in how you perceive and experience the world around you.  Magical thinking works to convince you of the opposite.

Challenging Magical Thinking: Work with what you have.  Remind yourself that contentment is not just around the corner, but can be achieved regardless of the current circumstances, and happiness, just like all emotions is not a permanent destination.  Use “if only” as a red-flag that prompts you to rewrite the script.  “If only I lost 10lbs, I could be happy with how I look” becomes “My body is amazing just how it is…and I’m setting a goal to eat more vegetables and exercise three days a week.  I know that my mind and body feel better when I’m eating a nutritious diet and working out regularly.”  Success no longer hinges on the external outcome.  Allow yourself to be successful in the process, focusing on HOW you work toward a goal rather than arriving at the destination.  Acknowledge your efforts in-the-moment and evaluate success based on the way you engage rather than the long-term outcome.  “I would have been so happy if only I got an A in that class” changes to “I’m proud of the student I was last term even though I didn’t get an A.”  The focus shifts to how – with commitment, dedication, and effort – rather than what.  Magical Thinking takes you out of the present moment, so the challenge is to remain in the present and focus on taking values-based actions…and allow that to be an accomplishment you can celebrate.

You can find a downloadable PDF outline of all ten of the most common distorted thinking patterns here: Top Ten Distorted Thinking Patterns.

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Avoidance: The Burden of Dodging Burdens

Avoidance (and attempted avoidance) is one of the biggest sources of mental and emotional distress.  Avoidance may offer some immediate gratification, a sense of escape and relief.  You may even feel victorious if you’ve dodged a stressful task for another day or compartmentalized an emotion for another week.  That sense of relief becomes a powerful reinforcer of avoidance, and it’s easy to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of ducking and dodging the discomfort of actually doing.

Avoidance of uncomfortable situations, for all it’s real short-term benefits, can lead to very serious skills deficits.  Imagine the uncomfortable situation is swimming.  Plenty of people are scared of swimming.  One strategy for managing this fear is avoidance.  “If I never get in the water, I’ll be fine.”  There’s truth in that statement.  Avoidance works if the primary goal is to avoid feeling fear/anxiety//etc.  If the goal, however, is to be safer or feel safer near water, avoidance can’t get you there.  If the goal is to learn to swim, avoidance is the least effective thing you can do.

This provides a clear example of avoidance in action.  In our day-to-day lives, avoidance may be much more subtle.  You may avoid a conversation or an email.  You may avoid a place or a task.  You may work to avoid a thought or a feeling.  These efforts to avoid almost always waste energy, consuming your capacity to pursue what you want while you’re busy running from the discomfort in your life.  The brain’s ability to rationalize and justify is put to full use, and countless explanations (excuses) are created to support the decision to avoid.

Common Avoidance Strategies

“I’ll do it later.” is a classic justification for procrastinators around the world. “I’ll do it after ________.” is another easy way to avoid actual engagement in a task.  Netflix has been a boon to avoiders everywhere.

“I can’t do it.” is the rallying cry for people avoiding academic assignments, exercise, crucial conversations, and every other uncomfortable task.  A close cousin to the “I can’t do it” form of avoidance is the “I don’t have time” statement.  You can do, and you can make time.  The more honest statement is…”I’m not willing to suffer the consequences of doing it.”

“I’ll get more prepared instead.” is a slightly more sophisticated way to avoid – choosing, perhaps, the lessor of two uncomfortable endeavors.  “I’ll read a book about how to swim instead.”  I can assure you that no one ever felt safe and confident in the water without actually getting in the water.  This strategy of avoidance is common in high achievers and those that are reliant on knowledge for comfort.  Gaining more knowledge about a topic can be way to avoid the doing and to avoid the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that come with doing.  It’s a very strong, rational justification for avoidance….but it’s still avoidance.

Stop Avoiding, Get Engaged

Depending on the sophistication of your avoidance, you may face some serious challenges in recognizing and overcoming the habit.  You can start by asking these simple questions:

“Why is this important to me?” If you’re avoiding something, you’ve given yourself more reasons (or at least more important reasons) to NOT do it than TO do it.  Once you see patterns of avoidance popping up, look at what you’re avoiding, and focus on the justification for doing it.  Our swimmer might start by saying they value personal growth and challenge.  They can remind themselves that they want to be a playmate and protector to their water-loving children.  Regardless of the “why,” make sure it’s readily available when you’re faced with the urge to avoid.

“What can I do?”  By using all the horsepower in your brain to answer an affirmative, action-oriented question, you disengage from avoidance and start moving toward the goal.  Be a problem-solver.  Brainstorm until you have some specific actions that can move you toward the desired goal or value.  If you discover the avoidance continues…just ask the question again until you start taking action.

“What am I willing to experience?”  Let’s be honest, some experiences are going to be uncomfortable, and we’re not going to eliminate all unpleasantness from life.  So ask yourself what thoughts, emotions, urges, and sensations you’re willing to deal with to engage in life and do what you want to do.  In the example above, our fearful swimmer may want to acknowledge…”I’m willing to think I don’t need to swim.  I’m willing to be scared.  I’m willing to have the urge to runaway, and I’m willing to sweat from my palms.”  If they’re willing to experience all that and still get in the pool for lesson #1, they can overcome avoidance.  Read more about the tricky business of willingness here.

 

 

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Stress Management and Relaxation Workshops

As I’ve developed as a clinician, I’ve slowly molded my view of mental well-being into what it is today.  My perspective has shifted, expanded, conformed, stretched, and reformed.  Preventative mental health care has become increasingly important.  Diagnosis is not a prerequisite of well-being.  No one has to wait until after a heart attack to initiate an exercise plan.  No one demands that you only see a medical doctor when you’re ill.  In fact, regular check-ups are encouraged.  I’d like to see mental health head in the same direction.  One of the ways I’ve decided to move toward preventative intervention is by offering a stress management and relaxation workshop in my community.  If you’re local, you can register here

The three hour workshop will introduce a variety of relaxation and stress management techniques for those occasionally (or frequently) overwhelmed with significant transitions, work responsibilities, family obligations, or life’s less specific burdens.  By developing a greater understanding of the emotional, mental, physiological, and behavior components of stress, strategies for managing it become much more accessible.  Signing up allows you to join a small group (eight or less) engaging in practical exercises and discussions aimed at cultivating a bit more peace in your life.

Choose any one of the four workshops offered and if you find it useful, feel free to up again to repeat the course.  You can join us in Poulsbo City Hall on:

Saturday April 23rd, 2016 from 9:30am to 12:30pm

Saturday May 7th, 2016 from 9:30am to 12:30pm

Saturday June 18th, 2016 from 9:30am to 12:30pm

Saturday August 20th, 2016 from 9:30am to 12:30pm

If you’d like to have this workshop tailored for staff training or as part of an employee wellness plan, contact me directly to discuss details.

 

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Think You’re Relaxing? You May Just Be Distracted.

What do you do to relax?

  1. Read a book
  2. Take a bath
  3. Watch a movie
  4. Go for a walk
  5. Talk to a friend
  6. Drink a glass of wine

Those are the most common responses I get when I ask people how they relax.  Video games, social media, television, shopping, eating, and listen to music all make the list of frequent flyers. Everyone gets stressed, anxious, worried, or overwhelmed at some point, and we all find our own ways to cope.  Some strategies, however, are more helpful than others.  If you nodded your head in agreement as you read through the list above, you may be approaching relaxation very inefficiently.

In many circumstance, that temporary reprieve is enough to “reset” your thoughts and feelings back to baseline. 

Reading a book, watching a movie, or chatting with friends functions as a distraction from the physical, mental, and emotional discomfort you’re experiencing.  In many circumstances, that temporary reprieve is enough to “reset” your thoughts and feelings back to baseline.  The movie is over and you’re worries have subsided.  The riveting mystery novel pulls your thoughts away from the dangerous world around you and allows you to ruminate on which character is a red herring and which is the criminal mastermind.  An engaging conversation sometimes provides resolution, occasionally escalates stress, and often allows focus to shift away from your problems onto someone else’s concerns.

Taking a bath by candlelight can provide an alternative, more comfortable, physical experience.  A bath also requires a certain level of unplugging from the day-to-day grind.  Hopefully, you don’t take your laptop or phone into the bath with you.  When you’re in the tub, you’re not expected to cook dinner, fix the faucet, finish homework, fold laundry, pick up the kids, clean the house, or mow the grass.  You’re relieved of those obligations (momentarily).  A brisk walk serves a very similar function in terms of alleviating the sense of obligation and opening yourself up to new sensations – beautiful views, the smell of fresh air, a warm breeze on your face, etc.

The glass of wine chemically alters your experience.  Alcohol is a depressant, so it can mask some of the physical discomfort associated with elevated stress levels.  Some people use wine as an add-on to one of the other strategies.  A good book and wine.  An exciting movie and wine.  A bath and wine.

These strategies are, at best, inefficient methods of relaxation. 

The whole list would best be described as distractions.  Distractions that sometimes help to momentarily reduce stress.  These strategies are, at best, inefficient methods of relaxation.  That’s not to say they don’t work for some people, and they certainly don’t need to be altogether avoided.  Relaxation, I argue, is a skill unto itself.  Therefore, the only proper way to relax is to intentionally and directly practice relaxation.  I know it’s circular logic. “In order to relax, you have to relax.”  Here’s what I mean.  Relaxation is an active reduction in physiological arousal.  It’s a skill you can improve.  With practice, you can achieve deeper relaxation in less time.  All the changes that occur when we are stressed – increased heart rate, muscle tension, altered breathing patterns, increased blood pressure, disruptions to digestion, mental fog, pressured speech, and general unrest – can be actively managed.  Relaxation exercises such as controlled breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, autogenics, mindfulness meditation, and guided imagery offer a concrete tool to reduce the symptoms of stress and anxiety.

By practicing the skill of relaxation, you can effectively move your baseline level of stress.  If you run through your day with baseline stress of 65/100, and when it hits 80, you give yourself permission to regroup with a glass of wine in a warm tub, chances are, by the time you towel off, you’re down to a 65.  Now, 65 is normal, so it feels like you accomplished something and that the bath was effective.  By practicing relaxation skills like the ones listed above, you can shift your baseline.  With consistent practice, 50  (or 40…or 30) becomes the new normal and you’ve got much more bandwidth before you get overwhelmed.  Additionally, the relaxation skills toolbox is filled with strategies that can be applied much more pervasively.  Stressed at work?  Good luck sneaking away to some dark corner to watch a movie.  Anxious about traffic?  There’s no way you’re taking a walk or slipping into a bath.  The most useful strategies for relaxation can be used anywhere at any time (I’m especially talking about controlled breathing here).

This way of looking at relaxation parallels physical fitness.  You don’t go for a jog exclusively when you’re sick, injured, or otherwise sub-optimal in terms of health.  You exercise consistently in order to ensure that your overall fitness helping you enjoy life.  Most days you don’t need to be incredibly fit, but it sure is nice to have it when you need it.  The same goes for relaxation.  You won’t need it every day, but if you haven’t been practicing, you won’t have it when you need it most.

You won’t need it everyday, but if you haven’t been practicing, you won’t have it when you need it most.

Give yourself a week or two, genuinely practicing active relaxation.  Take five to 15 minutes daily to listen to one of the exercises above, and let me know how it changes the way you experience stress.

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Say Good Night to Insomnia – Book Review

Dr. Gregg D. Jacobs outlines a detailed six week program for improving sleep and eliminating insomnia in Say Good Night to Insomnia.  The most accurate description of this book is simply, “effective.”  If you’re willing to engage in the programming as prescribed in the book, it is highly likely that your quality and/or quantity of sleep will change in the desired direction.  I’d like to say the book was engaging and compelling…an interesting read, but I can’t.  Dr. Jacobs lead-up to the program includes rather dry sections on “The New State of Sleep Science”, “Some Basic Facts About Sleep and Insomnia”, and “How I Developed the Program.”  I absolutely love a solid explanation of the science and research involved in any intervention I’m trying myself or I’m recommending for clients.  That information, however, needs to be delivered with a little zest and color when aimed at a general audience.  Here…it was not.

Say Goodnight to Insomnia

All criticism aside, I am impressed with the structure and guidance provided by the author.  The six-week program involves an evidence based protocol including written assignments, ongoing assessment, and daily “homework” necessary to succeed.  Through various exercises, thoughts and behaviors pertaining to sleep are systematically altered to support healthy sleep habits.  The author does a great job recognizing and addressing mental and emotional aspects of sleep difficulties.  The program goes well beyond simple suggestions such as ensuring your sleep environment is dark and quiet (thought is does review those strategies as well).  It helps the reader unpack the negative thinking patterns and uncomfortable emotions that maintain poor sleep habits.  Regardless of how tired you are or how badly you want to fall asleep, thoughts like “I’ll never fall asleep” and “I’m going to be wrecked all day tomorrow if I don’t fall asleep right now” only serve to exacerbate stress and insomnia.  Dr. Jacobs uses fundamental strategies from cognitive-behavioral therapy to support participants in identifying and replacing unhelpful thoughts and behaviors with helpful thoughts and behaviors.  Cultivating the ability to relax throughout the day as well as when trying to sleep also becomes a priority in the attempt to find that elusive rest when you really need it.

If you’re interested in the ins-and-out of sleep science research and protocol development, start on page one and enjoy the ride.  If you really just need a concrete plan for sleeping better, start on page 70 and be prepared to commit some time and effort to changing your sleep habits.  This is a hands-on, experiential intervention, so don’t expect to simply gain some knowledge then start sleeping better.  Do the work, and you’ll be sleeping soundly before you know it (or at least at the end of six weeks).