Posted on

Stop Telling People Not to Worry!

I go through some version of this with nearly every client I meet with.

Client: I feel (insert feeling) and (insert self-defeating thought) keeps running through my head 

Me: Has anyone ever told you to stop feeling that or thinking that?

Client: Yes 

Me: Has it ever worked?  Do you stop thinking or feeling that way?

Client: No!  It never works. 

Me:  Do you ever try to tell yourself ‘just stop’?

Client: Yeah. 

Me: Does that ever work?

Client: No. 

Me:  Okay.  I’m never going to expect you to just stop thinking or just stop feeling anything.

Client: Good.

 

That may sound familiar. Now,  let’s break things down a bit.

Phrases like “don’t worry” or “you don’t have to be angry about this” or “just stop being so sad all the time” can be said with great intentions.  Parents, friends, and spouses want to alleviate pain.  They don’t want to watch their loved ones suffer, so they tell you not to suffer (presumably for your own good).  As the example above illustrates, this never really works.  No one really ever hears the words “don’t worry” then instantly refrains from worrying.  There is no direct switch for thoughts and feelings, so telling someone to stop or change them with any sense of immediacy puts them in a bad spot.  This is especially true when individuals are combating symptoms of depression and anxiety.

When they’re worried, they’re worried.  When they’re worried and they’ve been told to stop (in any myriad of ways), they find themselves in a situation where they’re suffering from their worries AND from their failure to stop worrying.  These well-intentioned comments aimed at reducing suffering can actually have the opposite effect, intensifying the distress despite the great intentions.

What’s a better alternative when you recognize someone you care about it struggling?  What can you provide for others and what can you ask for when you’re facing a challenge?

  1. Acknowledge the emotion/concern/suffering:  It sounds like you’re really worried and feeling overwhelmed about this new position.
  2. Find ways to agree:  There’s a lot to worry about when you’re starting a new job.
  3. Offer support:  Is there anything I can do to help?
  4. Solidify Support/Offer specific support: I’m here for you if you need anything.  Can I help distract you for a while?  Can I tell you about a time I felt worried?  Can I give you a hug?
Posted on

Parents Guide to Healthy Gaming

Video games are available everywhere – they are more accessible than they’ve ever been.  Console gaming systems (i.e., PlayStation, Xbox), online adventures (World of Warcraft), and mobile games provide nonstop opportunities to be plugged-in.  Unfortunately, pursuing those opportunities may mean failing to meet responsibilities, ignoring relationships, and losing sleep.  Those issues can result in some serious consequences.  Gaming isn’t all bad, and it can have some benefits, but only when it’s used in a healthy way.

Much like other potentially addictive behaviors, moderation the key to healthy gaming.  With children and adolescence, parents become responsible for setting concrete limits and boundaries to ensure that moderation.

Here are some recommendations for health-conscious parents of gamers:

1)  Use video game time as a reward and in small quantities. For example, “You did all your chores, go ahead and play this age appropriate game for 30 minutes.”

2)  Learn about the games your kids are playing.  How do you know what’s appropriate?  Do the legwork necessary to find out.  You can read about games and apps at Common Sense Media to learn about the content and what other parents (and kids) think about the games your child has access to.

3)  Plan “gaming time” in a way that it doesn’t compromise good sleep hygiene.  If your child is losing sleep to play a game, it has already become problematic.  Perhaps they have time in the morning once they’re ready for school or after they’ve completed homework in the evening.

4)  Do not use video games as a babysitter.  It becomes increasingly problematic for parents to monitor and regulate video game use if they depend on the activity for “supervision.”

5) Provide a space in a common area for children and teens to access the games they want to play (console, phone, or computer).  Do not allow games to be played in their room; it becomes difficult to limit playing time, frequently results in compromised sleep, and reduces barriers to inappropriate content.

6) Avoid games with no distinct end such as World of Warcraft or many of the online first person shooters.  Taking a few seconds to read the description from Common Sense Media, parents will learn that World of Warcraft contains, “…endless exploration and no clearly defined levels”and will necessitate external boundaries.

7) Define limits based on time.  When limits are set by an “in-game” construct (i.e. beating a boss, leveling up, or finishing a chapter) this may be the start of problematic video game play.

8) Be aware that individuals that suffer from ADHD have a higher addiction potential, especially boys, and require particularly close monitoring to ensure healthy gaming behaviors.

*Special thanks to Dr. Anatol Tolchinsky for his insight and expertise in relation to maladaptive video game play.  He was generous enough to share the framework of these guidelines out of the goodness of his heart.