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Stop Telling People Not to Worry!

I go through some version of this with nearly every client I meet with.

Client: I feel (insert feeling) and (insert self-defeating thought) keeps running through my head 

Me: Has anyone ever told you to stop feeling that or thinking that?

Client: Yes 

Me: Has it ever worked?  Do you stop thinking or feeling that way?

Client: No!  It never works. 

Me:  Do you ever try to tell yourself ‘just stop’?

Client: Yeah. 

Me: Does that ever work?

Client: No. 

Me:  Okay.  I’m never going to expect you to just stop thinking or just stop feeling anything.

Client: Good.

 

That may sound familiar. Now,  let’s break things down a bit.

Phrases like “don’t worry” or “you don’t have to be angry about this” or “just stop being so sad all the time” can be said with great intentions.  Parents, friends, and spouses want to alleviate pain.  They don’t want to watch their loved ones suffer, so they tell you not to suffer (presumably for your own good).  As the example above illustrates, this never really works.  No one really ever hears the words “don’t worry” then instantly refrains from worrying.  There is no direct switch for thoughts and feelings, so telling someone to stop or change them with any sense of immediacy puts them in a bad spot.  This is especially true when individuals are combating symptoms of depression and anxiety.

When they’re worried, they’re worried.  When they’re worried and they’ve been told to stop (in any myriad of ways), they find themselves in a situation where they’re suffering from their worries AND from their failure to stop worrying.  These well-intentioned comments aimed at reducing suffering can actually have the opposite effect, intensifying the distress despite the great intentions.

What’s a better alternative when you recognize someone you care about it struggling?  What can you provide for others and what can you ask for when you’re facing a challenge?

  1. Acknowledge the emotion/concern/suffering:  It sounds like you’re really worried and feeling overwhelmed about this new position.
  2. Find ways to agree:  There’s a lot to worry about when you’re starting a new job.
  3. Offer support:  Is there anything I can do to help?
  4. Solidify Support/Offer specific support: I’m here for you if you need anything.  Can I help distract you for a while?  Can I tell you about a time I felt worried?  Can I give you a hug?
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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: Part 5

So far we have explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Then,  it was on to Emotional Reasoning and Should Statements. Last time we examined the destructive nature of unnecessary Personalization and the “ALWAYS” scary False Permanence

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier perceptions of your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  • Blaming:  This particular distorted thinking pattern is a sneaky one.  It infiltrates common language usage on a daily basis.  Any time you use “________ makes me feel _______,” you’re using a form of blame to distance yourself from the emotional experience.  “You make me so angry” is a statement that blames someone else for your emotional experience.  Blame (like should) carries inherent judgment which can be personally and interpersonally destructive.  Blaming others in this away also pushes you away from other people, creating conflict rather than resolution.  Blame isn’t just for emotions though.

Blame is an equally damaging distortion when applied to our own behaviors.  “They made me do it” is a harmful way to escape the discomfort of personal responsibility; however, if others are in control of how you feel and what you do….the whole world becomes very unpredictable and unstable.  If you’re in the habit of blaming other people, or even circumstances, for your emotions and behavior, it creates a mentality that falsely absolves you of personal responsibility and strips your sense of self-efficacy.  Blaming, therefore, becomes a backhanded attack on your own capacity to validate your emotions and manage your behaviors.  If everyone/everything is always responsible…you can never feel successful.

Blame also paints you into a corner in terms of personal identity.  Blame creates a narrative with only one identity – righteous victim.  This role can protect you from vulnerability.  It can mask feelings of pain and helplessness with righteous anger, but people can also get stuck in that role, remaining hurt, powerless, and angry.

Challenging Blaming: The simple answer?  Stop blaming other people or circumstances for your feelings and conditions.  Clearly, the solution is more complex than that, but it’s a good place to start.  Start by rephrasing the way you express emotions.  “That movie made me sad” becomes “I feel sad when I watch movies about true love.”  Work to be consistent in your expression and start with “I feel ______ when _________.”  The difference may seem subtle, but the language we use (even in our own heads) has a huge impact on how we experience the world around us.  “You make me so mad” becomes “I feel angry when it seems like you’re ignoring me.”  Work to observe your feelings and circumstances without judgment or blame, and look for values-based actions you can take to move toward solutions.  Reflect, share, or journal to validate your emotions, and practice acceptance of those emotions without blame.  Create a narrative that acknowledges your personal choices as well as your capacity to make different choices moving forward.  Choose to build a personal identity consistent with the competent and capable individual that you are, and avoid falling into the “righteous victim” role.

  • Magical Thinking:  Magical Thinking distorts thoughts by shouting “TRUTH!” to the adage, “the grass is always greener…”  This type of thinking establishes false hope and wastes energy as people chase after frivolous, empty goals.  It often postpones meaningful action and shifts attention away from effectiveness.  Happiness or success or some version of those two is perpetually at your fingertips or just an arm’s length away.  “If I lost 10 pounds I’d be happy.”  “If I had a new boss, I’d love my job.” “If I could just move away for a while, everything would be different.”  The examples are endless, “If only he would….If only she said…If only they did…If only I was…”  In the meantime, while you wait for things and people around you to change, you’ve remained unhappy and stagnant.  Or perhaps you’ve exhausted yourself trying to make those things happen, only to find that checking that box didn’t deliver happiness at all.  Finding contentment in life will never be about checking a box, accomplishing a goal, or attaining some external status.  Contentment comes from a way of being, an internal shift in how you perceive and experience the world around you.  Magical thinking works to convince you of the opposite.

Challenging Magical Thinking: Work with what you have.  Remind yourself that contentment is not just around the corner, but can be achieved regardless of the current circumstances, and happiness, just like all emotions is not a permanent destination.  Use “if only” as a red-flag that prompts you to rewrite the script.  “If only I lost 10lbs, I could be happy with how I look” becomes “My body is amazing just how it is…and I’m setting a goal to eat more vegetables and exercise three days a week.  I know that my mind and body feel better when I’m eating a nutritious diet and working out regularly.”  Success no longer hinges on the external outcome.  Allow yourself to be successful in the process, focusing on HOW you work toward a goal rather than arriving at the destination.  Acknowledge your efforts in-the-moment and evaluate success based on the way you engage rather than the long-term outcome.  “I would have been so happy if only I got an A in that class” changes to “I’m proud of the student I was last term even though I didn’t get an A.”  The focus shifts to how – with commitment, dedication, and effort – rather than what.  Magical Thinking takes you out of the present moment, so the challenge is to remain in the present and focus on taking values-based actions…and allow that to be an accomplishment you can celebrate.

You can find a downloadable PDF outline of all ten of the most common distorted thinking patterns here: Top Ten Distorted Thinking Patterns.

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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: 3

In the first two installments we explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Now, it’s on to Emotional Reasoning and, one of my personal favorites, Should Statements.

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  •  Emotional Reasoning: When reality becomes distorted by Emotional Reasoning, we’ve allowed emotions to be in the driver’s seat while we sit in the back, eyes closed and hoping for the best.  Our emotional experience defines the entire experience.  Some examples are personal and internal – “I felt anxious before/during/after the presentation, so it must have been horrible.”  Notice the evaluation of the situation is based entirely on the emotion rather than the actual execution of the presentation.  While emotional reasoning applied to performances can drastically reduce your ability to feel successful, when it’s applied to broader concepts it can be even more harmful.  “I feel worthless, so I must have done done something wrong or I must not be doing enough”  “I feel sad, so it’s going to be a bad day…It will be impossible to enjoy anything.” This type of reasoning can be equally destructive in interpersonal relationships.  “I feel hurt, so Johnny must have done something wrong.”  Again, you’ll notice that the evaluation has nothing to do with what’s being evaluated; it’s based solely on the emotional experience.

Challenging Emotional Reasoning:  In every example above, the disconnect between the evaluation and the target of evaluation was clear, and it’s much harder to see that distinction when you’re the one in the situation.  Therefore, to successfully change this distortion, one of the first things we want to do is increase awareness and acceptance of emotions WITHOUT EVALUATION.  The practice involves identifying and describing emotions…then stopping the narrative.  “I feel hurt..my muscles are tense; I’m hot; I’m crying.”  There is no need to judge yourself, your emotions, or anybody else when you’re hurt.  Identify it, describe it, and then decide what action you want to take (if any).  “I’m hurt.  I feel it in my whole body.  I want to exercise because when I’m hurt, taking care of myself is even more important.”  Another strategy for dealing with emotional reasoning is to preemptively define success without depending on emotions.  Setting a goal like “I’m going to be super relaxed during my presentation.” means your success is based exclusively on your emotions (which you have limited control over).  When you define success by other more behavioral factors (finishing within the time limit, maintaining eye contact, etc.), you can be anxious and successful.  Whenever you recognize your emotions leading you down a path of judgement, criticism, or any other form of distorted thinking, step away from the situation, acknowledge and accept the emotions, then proceed according to your values instead of listening exclusively to your emotions.

  • Should Statements:  Why are “should” statements my favorite?  Two main reasons.  First, we use “should” so ubiquitously that everyone has multiple opportunities to catch this pattern of distorted thinking on a daily basis.  Secondly, there are really straight forward ways of challenging these phrases.  So, what is a “should” statement.  Any time you use “should” you’re committing a small act of harm to your mental well-being.  The more powerful the “should,” the more destructive it becomes.  How can such a common word be so detrimental?  It has to do with the subtle impact our language has on our beliefs and emotions.  Every time we use the word “should” there is some amount of judgment and criticism that go along with it.  “He should be doing his homework.” means that there is something wrong with him for not doing it, and he would be doing it “right” if he were doing his homework.  “I should exercise more” carries the same subtle judgment – “I’m bad because of the amount of exercise I’m currently doing and I would be good if I exercised more”  Whether it’s directed at yourself or someone else, that judgment and criticism, overtime, can be toxic.  Another component that makes “should” harmful is the battle it consistently establishes.  It’s a battle that sets you up to lose every time you use the word.  “Should” implies that reality is not acceptable – it argues that reality is wrong.  Reality, in any given moment, can’t be altered, and our past certainly can’t be changed.  “I should have…” only serves to function as a critical (and largely unnecessary) judgment of something that cannot be changed.  (Could, would, ought, and need are close cousins to “should” and create similar harmful effects).

One last problem with “shoulding.”  It allows the user to feel righteous and therefore   avoid responsibility for being an active participant in changing.  Proclaiming how things “should” be, frequently leaves people feeling justified in their own inaction.  “She should know better.” “He shouldn’t have said that.” “They should stop.” “This shop should be open.”  The onus is placed firmly on the proverbial “other” to be responsible for change, greatly reducing the possibility of finding effective solutions.

Challenging “Should” Statements: Once it’s in your head that “should” is causing harm, you’ll start to recognize all the places you use it, directed at yourself and others.  Replacing it can be difficult, even though it’s relatively a simple process of word replacement.  In most circumstances, swapping “should” for “I want” is enough.  “I want him to do his homework” and “I want to exercise more” moves away from judgment and toward healthy identification of preferences.  Stick with the facts here.  Instead of “should,” simply describe the circumstances.  “I exercised for 20 minutes two days this week.  I want to exercise for 30 minutes on three days next week”   Stay solution oriented and future oriented.  “Shoulds” can also be an indicator that expectations or boundaries have not been assertively communicated (or consequences haven’t been effectively applied) with others or clear goals haven’t been set for yourself.

If you find yourself “shoulding” take the time to write down what you want and make a plan for how to get it.  Look at what you can do differently to help things go the way you want them to go.  When “shoulds” are applied retroactively, a slightly different approach can be used.  Rather than judging the past, focus on the future.  “Next time I will…” or “In the future I want to…” This reframes the potential solution, making it less about a harsh judgment and verbal punishment, and more about productive action.

Next we’ll cover Personalization and False Permanence.

 

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Skills I’d Rather Not Have: Inventing Catastrophe

We’re generally more attuned to potential dangers, to things that can harm us or put our lives at risk.  Our brains have been honed to see the snake in the grass, the poisonous berry, the lurking enemy, and the loose step.  In facing these threats, we fill-in any gaps of knowledge with a narrative that makes sense.  We want to create some certainty in a precarious situation, and we do that by creating stories to make all the pieces fit.  Based on observations and the emotional experience, what makes the most sense?  When we’re hurt, scared, or otherwise suffering, that narrative turns dark quickly.  The driver in front of you that failed to use their blinker (you recognize the potential danger and now feel mildly scared) gets caught up in a narrative that completes the story of “The idiot that tried to kill me and is probably the worst driver in the world because why would anyone not use their blinker……etc.”  This explanation justifies the fear.  If the narrative was, “That responsible driver had a minor oversight in the application of normal safety protocols, but it didn’t really impact my safety in the grand scheme of things” the fear would have no rational explanation.

Our internal narrative acts to justify our emotional responses, to explain them, to make them more predictable. Unfortunately, these justifications often only serve to intensify and/or prolong the emotions.  This effect of emotional amplification is common when we try to rationalize, control, or judge our our emotional experiences.

In our heads, the airplane turbulence quickly become a failing engine.  The coughing child is informally diagnosed with tuberculosis.  The angry boss is definitely making plans to fire half the department. Perceived threats lead to fear, fear motivates the need for an explanation, and our minds happily oblige, providing a narrative that is often unhelpful to say the least.

There are two primary approaches to managing this problem.

  1.  Change the narrative.  Take control over the story, and create a narrative that does NOT intensify or prolong the uncomfortable emotions.  It can be a reasonable alternative or a ridiculous exercise in creative writing.  Perhaps that turbulence is a slight breeze that will subside momentarily.  Or, it could be that Superman was flying along beside the plane and gave us a little nudge.  When you take control of the narrative, you can influence the emotional response.
  2. Accept the emotion.  Acknowledge the fear, observe the narrative, and work to let it be.  Let yourself be scared without a “reasonable” explanation. It’s okay to be scared when you hit turbulence (It’s always okay to be scared).  Allow yourself to complete this sentence “I’m scared and….”  You can be scared and imagine all the most horrible things that could happen during a plane crash (that’s what we want to avoid).  Alternatively, you can feel scared and take some controlled breaths.  You can feel scared and chat with the person next to you.  You can feel scared and play Tetris on your phone.  Engaging in actual behaviors can help move you out of the narrative in your head.

Both approaches go against the default strategies of most people, making them especially challenging to apply when facing a perceived threat.  It takes self-awareness and practice, but the benefits are ubiquitous.