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How to Forgive

Why is it so hard to forgive?  Why do so many people refuse to forgive?  Why do we try to forgive, but fail to forgive?

Often, a refusal to forgive is about which emotions we’re more comfortable with and which ones we’d rather avoid.  It can feel POWERFUL to refuse forgiveness, to hate and judge a person.  It creates a sense of control that is easily justified by righteous anger.  These feelings of control, power, anger, hate, and righteousness are intense, but many people are more comfortable with these emotions than the alternative.

To seek forgiveness requires vulnerability along with acceptance of the pain, fear, and sadness experienced since the offensive event.  It requires genuine compassion (for all parties involved).  Those are emotions that can be very uncomfortable, and people are frequently motivated to avoid them.

Forgiveness requires a willingness to feel and accept the pain and discomfort associated with whatever experience created them.  It requires a willingness to let go of the righteous anger, and it require a proactive decision and ongoing effort.  So, why would anyone do that?  Ultimately, the hate, judgment, and anger required to resist forgiveness takes its toll and does little in terms of effectively addressing the underlying pain.  When the anger fizzles out or the hate seeps into other relationships, to pain of the original situation remains.  Forgiveness, on the other hand, cultivates acceptance and compassion – which we can always use a little more of, especially in the face of adversity.

Once you’ve gotten to a place where you’re committed to forgiving, you can get down to doing the actual work.  The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley has a wealth of resources for cultivating mental and emotional well-being, and they’ve put together a step-by-guide to forgive that will lead you through the process.

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Yoda was Right

As an awkward twelve year old boy (redundancy noted), I spent an entire day of my summer vacation watching the three original Star Wars movie. While I’d like to say that I experienced some philosophical awakening, that was not the case. I did, however, leave my comfortable position on the couch knowing one certainty. To hone my Jedi skills, I would learn to walk on my hands, training myself just as Yoda had trained Luke in the swamps of ………. “Do or do not, there is no try.”

Over the course of the next few days and months, I committed myself whole-heartedly to my pursuit of inverted ambulation, and I fell a lot. I crashed straight to the ground at times, with my arms being unable to support my body weight. I fell sideways, crashing into the hallway that led to my bedroom. I would plummet to the floor after just a few seconds with my feet in the air. I became brave in my newfound mediocrity, and began practicing during 6th grade gym class. Mostly, I was a joke. Trying over and over and over and failing again and again and again to maintain my balance for more than a few seconds at a time.

What impacts me to this day is the grit and resilience necessary for that twelve year old kid to find success in his pursuit of becoming a Jedi. It’s easy to stay on the beaten path and take on tasks that all but ensure success. It takes something different to tackle challenges that require failure. It takes determination, consistency, patience, and a willingness to look a little foolish in the process. It takes persistent commitment to putting the effort in regardless of the short-term success.

After looking back on these generally awkward years, I realize that at twelve, I was defining success in terms of how I was doing things rather than the accomplishments or accolades I was earning. It didn’t matter that I fell, and fell, and fell. I felt successful because I didn’t allow failure to defeat me.  In many situations, the likelihood of success can be measured by how willing you are to fail in the journey towards you goal.

Next time you set a goal, ask yourself this question: Am I willing to fall on my head and look like a failure to get what I want?

Hopefully, the answer is yes.