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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: Part 4

In the first three installments we explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Then,  it was on to Emotional Reasoning and Should Statements.  Today we cover Personalization and False Permanence

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  • Personalization:  Not every mistake is your fault, and even if it is your fault, it doesn’t mean you’re bad, stupid, or incompetent.  Personalization begs to differ.  This distorted thinking pattern tells you that every misstep is attributable to you as a person; every mistake in your life is indicative of some shame-inducing character flaw.  It tells you that when your kids misbehave at school, it means you’re horrible parents.  When we don’t get invited to the party, it’s because we’re worthless.  When we get rained on it’s because the world hates us.  Personalization invites us to take every perceived slight, criticism, or inconvenience as an attack on our humanity.  A disagreement is an insult.  A furrowed brow is a harsh judgment of your decisions.  This distortion can also be flipped towards others and generally wreaks havoc on interpersonal relationships.  If you assign global characteristics based on isolated behaviors, you’re likely to create patterns of judgment and criticism.  If forgetting to feed the dog means your partner is an idiot, you’re relationship is in trouble.  If arriving late means your in-laws are inconsiderate and selfish, it’s going to be tough to fully enjoy Thanksgiving dinner.

Challenging Personalization: While I encourage everyone to take personal responsibility for their own decisions, challenging personalization requires a clear line to be drawn between what is and isn’t you’re responsibility.  More important than taking responsibility only for yourself, is the practice of attributing consequences accurately.  What does that mean?  It means we all need to practice explaining circumstance, situations, and other people’s choices is a way that is not destructive to our own sense of self-worth.  Attribute random events (birds pooped on your car, the bus was late, you were cut off in traffic) to the lottery of the universe.  No more.  No less.  Recognize that no one is out to get you.  The birds don’t have it out for you.  God doesn’t hate you.  It didn’t happen because you are inherently bad or deserving of misfortune.  Work to accept the fact that poop happens – even to good people.  Attribute apparent personal attacks appropriately too. When your friend, partner, child, coworker, or some stranger is having a bad day and treating you poorly, it doesn’t mean that you’re being a horrible person.  Assess our own behavior, and make necessary course corrections, but don’t assume that their bad day means that you’re inadequate.  In concrete terms, describe the situation, validate your emotional experience, resist, refute, or redirect when global labels pop up, then take decisive values-based action.

For example, if I’m not invited to the party…

Rather than beating myself up because I’m clearly a worthless friend (that’s distorted personalization) that no one wants to be around (and that’s mind-reading), I 1) describe the situation (without judgment): I wanted to go to the party and I didn’t get invited, 2) validate my experience: I feel hurt, lonely, and rejected…it’s painful, 3) take values based action:  I value my health and challenges, so I’ll take this time to jump on the treadmill.  Notice the lack of judgmental name-calling directed at myself or the host of the party.  Also, no assumptions were made about anyone’s intentions.

  • False Permanence:  One sure way to create stress, anxiety, hopelessness, and despair is indulging in the distorted concept of false permanence.  This particular pattern often appears as a combination of black-and-white thinking and catastrophizing along with a paralyzing perception of permanence.  It’s clear how this type of false permanence could lead to emotional discomfort.  “Everything is bad and it always will be!” sets you on a clear path to hopelessness and despair.  If we eliminate the possibility of change, the current circumstance can never improve; we can never grow; our efforts to initiate change will feel worthless.

Conversely, falsely assuming positive experiences and emotions will remain permanent can also lead to significant distress.  “Everything is perfect and always will be!” can set you up to fall hard when changes occur.  The lack of psychological flexibility is at the core of this distortion.  Clinging to any moment with an unwillingness to accept change will result in unnecessary suffering.

Challenging False Permanence: Accept the present moment and embrace the certainty of change.  Whether the experience is comfortable or uncomfortable, work to accept it as it is, letting go of expectations (especially judgmental expectations).  Mindfulness exercises can help build the skills necessary for nonjudgmental observations.  In conjunction with the effort to accept, embrace some version of the mantra “Nothing is forever,” “This too shall pass,” “Change is inevitable,” or “Live for the possibilities of today.”  In other words, actively remind yourself that your reality IS NOT permanent.  Throughout this process it’s important to be kind and compassionate with yourself, working to avoid other thought distortions, while encouraging yourself and seeking healthy support.

As you challenge this particular pattern, be careful to apply it to only to your mental or emotional experiences.  There are certain aspects of life that are permanent.  Certain types of loss, such as death, are permanent, and that is not a distortion.  The thoughts and feelings associated with those losses, however, are fluid and ever changing.  It can be easy to fall into the trap of connecting the real permanence of death with false permanence of the emotional experience.  This comes up with many permanent or mostly-permanent losses – death, break-ups, job loss, relocations, etc.  Even if these changes are permanent, the emotional experience never is.  It always changes.  Challenging this pattern is about recognizing, anticipating, and appreciating the ups and downs we’ll all face.

Next up, we’ll tackle Blaming and Magical Thinking, and we will have gotten through all ten of the most common distorted thinking patterns.  Part five will also include a downloadable PDF compiling all of the blog posts.

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Critic or Coach? Why “truth” isn’t necessarily the most helpful approach.

Critics are paid professionals that are expected to pass judgement.  Whether it’s food, a performance, a movie, or any other experience, honesty is vital their livelihood.  Without honestly, their opinions (which they’re paid to have) may no longer be valued or respected.  Critics serve a purpose, but it is rarely their intention to be, in any way, helpful to the objects of their evaluations.  Despite this spectacularly unhelpful stance, many of us fall into being critics of ourselves – evaluating and judging our behaviors and experiences without regard to the utter lack of value it brings.  Streams of critical thoughts may seem as natural as breathing in some circumstances.

“I’m so stupid/such an idiot/so irresponsible/so lazy/fat/ugly/short/depressed/etc.”

“I’m a horrible parent because I did (or didn’t do) ____________”

“If I wasn’t such a bad husband, I would ____________”

“I’m not good enough to ____________”

These criticism rarely, if ever, serve to effectively and efficiently motivate healthy change.  There may be some honest evaluation going on, but what purpose does it serve?  It fuels the furnace of guilt and self-loathing and only occasionally motivates change. In the long-run, this strategy is highly destructive.

Leave the criticism to the critics.  Unless you get paid to ruminate on your shortcomings, it’s time to switch gears.

Be coach.

Great coaches don’t dwell on the negative.  They make appropriate evaluations, but spend more time praising and encouraging the best aspects of their players.  Despite any shortcomings, they focus on what their teams do well.  When faced with failure or a daunting task, they refocus on “how” the team plays more than what the outcome is.  Win or lose – play hard, push yourself, acknowledge your teammates, and keep working.  Coaches know it sucks to lose.  Coaches get that players make mistakes. Coaches understand the tendency to be self-depreciating.  They respond with acceptance and encouragement – “Keep your head up! Keep working!”

Critics are paid to judge, coaches are paid to win.  Which offers you the be chances of flourishing?  How do you want to spend your time and energy?   Which internal narrative would be more helpful to you?

 

 

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Control? You’ve got less than you think, and that’s okay

I hate to be a wet blanket on the, “you can do anything you set your mind to” mentality.  I’m conflicted about taking on the mantle of making Nike’s “Just Do It” slogan more complicated than a three-word mantra for making all things possible.  I’ll go out on a limb and also challenge the ever popular, “choose to be happy” advise that is so readily given to those struggling through tough times.  If those platitudes were real…if we genuinely controlled our lives to that extent, we would all have the life of our dreams, down to the tiniest detail. To believe it’s all within our grasp is somehow comforting.  It’s the message in the quotes above, and it’s consistently reiterated throughout pop-culture, in advertising, and by well-meaning parents and friends.  It’s comforting to maintain the illusion of control.

The effort to maintain the comfortable illusion requires a constant battle between the desire for control and the reality of the world.  Do you know who wins that battle?  Who wins every single time?  REALITY WINS!  Work as I may, my physical gifts were never going to allow me to launch a career in the NFL or NBA.  Being relatively small and slow made me less competitive than my larger, faster friends.  Many decisions to “Just Do It” in the realm of athletics and exercise left me maimed in one way or another.  Running one more day or one more mile left me with shin splints and/or sore knees.  I “just did it” then I couldn’t do it without risking further injury or enduring unreasonable pain.  Choosing to be happy?  Emotions don’t work like that.  If I’m sad, I’m sad.  I just do my best to not wallow in it.  I try to allow it to go away.  I’ve written about the difficultly with acceptance previously (Tricky Business of Sincere Acceptance).  Acceptance is the opposite of control – that’s part of what makes it hard.

Please don’t assume that this relative lack of control damns any of us to a miserable life.  In fact, the sooner you can acknowledge that lack of control, the sooner you can get on with living your life and appreciating reality.   When I release myself from the outcome-based expectations of an NFL career or a four hour marathon, I can get on with living my life according to my values.  I can consistently exercise within the limits of my physical composition and remain content regardless of the outcome.  All of this is really about altering expectations and tweaking the quotes and platitudes to be more compassionate given the challenges we are forced to faced when operating in the realm of reality.  “Just do it” becomes “Just do something that moves you toward an important value.”  Running a four-hour marathon is a goal, not a value.  Fitness and health are values.  Reality may greatly limit your ability to finish that marathon (head colds on race day, unexpected injuries or accidents, a flat tire, uncooperative muscles and joints, etc.); however, nothing can stop you from moving toward your values.  Targets may change, goals may need to be revised, but if you remain psychologically flexible, you can find comfort in remaining consistent with your values.  “You can do anything you set your mind to” becomes “Working towards anything you value will result in personal growth.”  Admitting that I won’t ever become the next Barry Sanders doesn’t mean I’ve failed or that I’ve lost motivation or that I can’t continue to run agility drills in my backyard if I want to.  It mean that I’ve accepted reality, and that reality includes the realization that if I’m training like an elite running back, I’m likely to be in great physical health and connected with individuals with similar interests and values.

If the “it” in “just do it” is unrealistic, you do nothing but set yourself up for failure and disappointment.  If the “anything” in “you can do anything you set your mind to” is an outcome even slightly out of your control, you will likely find yourself battling reality.  Take stock of reality.  Take stock of your values.  Then, and only in a moment-by-moment sort of way, take control of your behaviors.  Choose to act in accordance with your values and release yourself from any expected outcomes.

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Say Good Night to Insomnia – Book Review

Dr. Gregg D. Jacobs outlines a detailed six week program for improving sleep and eliminating insomnia in Say Good Night to Insomnia.  The most accurate description of this book is simply, “effective.”  If you’re willing to engage in the programming as prescribed in the book, it is highly likely that your quality and/or quantity of sleep will change in the desired direction.  I’d like to say the book was engaging and compelling…an interesting read, but I can’t.  Dr. Jacobs lead-up to the program includes rather dry sections on “The New State of Sleep Science”, “Some Basic Facts About Sleep and Insomnia”, and “How I Developed the Program.”  I absolutely love a solid explanation of the science and research involved in any intervention I’m trying myself or I’m recommending for clients.  That information, however, needs to be delivered with a little zest and color when aimed at a general audience.  Here…it was not.

Say Goodnight to Insomnia

All criticism aside, I am impressed with the structure and guidance provided by the author.  The six-week program involves an evidence based protocol including written assignments, ongoing assessment, and daily “homework” necessary to succeed.  Through various exercises, thoughts and behaviors pertaining to sleep are systematically altered to support healthy sleep habits.  The author does a great job recognizing and addressing mental and emotional aspects of sleep difficulties.  The program goes well beyond simple suggestions such as ensuring your sleep environment is dark and quiet (thought is does review those strategies as well).  It helps the reader unpack the negative thinking patterns and uncomfortable emotions that maintain poor sleep habits.  Regardless of how tired you are or how badly you want to fall asleep, thoughts like “I’ll never fall asleep” and “I’m going to be wrecked all day tomorrow if I don’t fall asleep right now” only serve to exacerbate stress and insomnia.  Dr. Jacobs uses fundamental strategies from cognitive-behavioral therapy to support participants in identifying and replacing unhelpful thoughts and behaviors with helpful thoughts and behaviors.  Cultivating the ability to relax throughout the day as well as when trying to sleep also becomes a priority in the attempt to find that elusive rest when you really need it.

If you’re interested in the ins-and-out of sleep science research and protocol development, start on page one and enjoy the ride.  If you really just need a concrete plan for sleeping better, start on page 70 and be prepared to commit some time and effort to changing your sleep habits.  This is a hands-on, experiential intervention, so don’t expect to simply gain some knowledge then start sleeping better.  Do the work, and you’ll be sleeping soundly before you know it (or at least at the end of six weeks).

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Empathy vs. Sympathy according to Brene Brown

I’m a fan of Brene Brown.  Her TED talks are thought provoking.  She seems to live consistently with the content she’s sharing, and she’s able to deliver big ideas in very palatable ways.  In the video below, she discusses the difference between sympathy and empathy, highlighting the connecting power of empathy and the disconnect common with sympathy.

The two concepts appear to be closely associated; however sympathy, too often, is limited to feeling pity that exacerbate differences between people.  Pity involves magnifying the differences between us, but often ignoring the similarities.  This drives separation rather than connection.  Empathy opens the relationship to a shared experience and a more sincere understanding.

You may say the words are synonyms and the differences are merely semantic; however, I invite you to work towards being empathic in your next encounter and take note of how the interaction goes for you and for them.  It may surprise you how the dynamic changes when you actively work to connect and be with someone…especially when they’re experiencing uncomfortable emotions.  Challenge yourself to resist placing expectations on them to feel better.  Resist putting a silver-lining on their pain.  Be close, and do nothing.  Be with them in their grief, anxiety, anger, sadness, or despair.  Just be with them.

 

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Do Gratitude (and Thanksgiving) on Your Terms

Thanksgiving can easily become a reminder of all the things that frustrate and annoy you.   Messages about the “right” way to be grateful can invite self-criticism and judgment.   It can be the start of a holiday season filled with financial stress, logistical complications, and messy family dynamics.  There are plenty of reasons to be anxious, hurt, frantic, irritated, unappreciated, self-conscious, and resentful about Thanksgiving.  The challenge is to acknowledge all of those feelings without being consumed by them.

There is no doubt that all of us can share stories of the holiday that went horribly wrong.  I’m certain that there will be ample opportunity to complain this year.  The examples below are neither comprehensive nor exhaustive.

Uncle Joe said some incredibly offensive things about entire races, belief systems, nationalities, etc.

Mom doesn’t respect my choices (and is increasingly vocal about it).

I don’t even like turkey.

The drive is ridiculously long…and they don’t ever want us there.

If Thanksgiving stresses you out, give yourself a break.  The day, the season, is about feeling grateful.  If that is extremely difficult to do on the forth Thursday of November, find a different way to celebrate your appreciation of the world (and the people) around you.  Build your own traditions surrounding gratitude.  You may still need to trudge through a turkey dinner or two, but it doesn’t have to stop you from giving thanks.

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Tricky Business of Sincere Acceptance

For years acceptance has been the pinnacle of the grieving process.  Acceptance is a cornerstone of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It’s also fundamental to Eastern philosophies and practices such as Taoism, Buhhdism, meditation, and mindfulness.

All of these approaches promote acceptance.  Be accepting of thoughts and emotions.  Be accepting of situations and hardships.  Be accepting of yourself and other people.

Theoretically, acceptance will result in less suffering, less sadness, less anger – generally less discomfort in our lives.  Through years of practice and observation, I believe that is true.  I’ve shared and taught the ideals of acceptance to hundreds of people, and in nearly every instance, no matter what I do or how I explain the concepts, the same problem arises.

People want to use acceptance as a way to control their emotions.  They ask, “How will acceptance make my sadness go away.”  They wonder, “If I accept everything, how will I control it?”

Hopefully, you picked up on the complete contradiction in the previous sentences.  If not, let me explain.  Acceptance means you’ve relinquished all expectation for change; you’ve taken a role as an observer.  To say internally, or out-loud – “I accept that I’m sad” with the expectation that the sadness will go away is not acceptance at all.

Please don’t mistake the idea of acceptance with giving-up, surrendering, wallowing, or otherwise disconnecting from life.  Genuine acceptance does not equate to throwing your hands up and spending three days in bed watching three seasons of a mediocre show on Netflix.  That would be surrendering to sadness, not accepting it.

Genuine acceptance starts with nonjudgmental recognition – “I’m feeling sad.”  You may simply sit with that feeling, examining and experiencing the thoughts and sensations associated with the emotion.  After accepting that the feeling is present, you make the all-important decision about how you want to live your life (regardless of how you feel).  Here’s the key to accepting uncomfortable emotions.  You don’t have to wait for it to go away to start living life according to your values.  You can be sad and call a friend.  You can be sad and socialize.  You can be sad and make dinner for your family.  You can be sad and go to class.  You can be sad and be kind, trusting, generous, engaged, or dedicated.

All of this is easier said than done.  It requires clarity of personal values and goals.  It requires intentional practice related to active acceptance.  It requires self-compassion, patience, and vulnerability.  Use this guided exercise to take a proactive approach to emotional acceptance.

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Lessons from Shel: #2454. Who am I?

 

I frequently use this poem by Shel Silverstein to illustrate the importance of perspective and the pervasiveness of false dichotomies.  Read the poem then continue reading below.
When given an either-or proposition, it’s extremely easy to lose the nuanced experience of who we are and how we experience the world.

Are you a good mother with some bad ways or bad mother with some good ways?

Are you a kind person with some hateful habits or hateful person with some kind habits?

Was it a gorgeous sunset with some ugliness or an ugly sunset with some beauty shining through?

Are you a great friend with some disengaged days or a disengaged friend with some great days?

Was it a wonderful day or horrible day?

Before you invest in answering those questions, consider that in any given moment, both can be true.   As a mother, a father, a friend, or a sibling, you make contributions and cause distress.  Every sunset has it’s high points and low points.  Every day provides opportunities to revel in gratitude or complain incessantly.  As it becomes easier to lean toward the negative, it becomes increasingly important to maintain a balance.  Accept the struggles while actively acknowledging the (sometimes small) moments of awesomeness throughout the day.  Above all, hold on to the realization the you, and the world around you, is NEVER just one way.

 

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Yoda was Right

As an awkward twelve year old boy (redundancy noted), I spent an entire day of my summer vacation watching the three original Star Wars movie. While I’d like to say that I experienced some philosophical awakening, that was not the case. I did, however, leave my comfortable position on the couch knowing one certainty. To hone my Jedi skills, I would learn to walk on my hands, training myself just as Yoda had trained Luke in the swamps of ………. “Do or do not, there is no try.”

Over the course of the next few days and months, I committed myself whole-heartedly to my pursuit of inverted ambulation, and I fell a lot. I crashed straight to the ground at times, with my arms being unable to support my body weight. I fell sideways, crashing into the hallway that led to my bedroom. I would plummet to the floor after just a few seconds with my feet in the air. I became brave in my newfound mediocrity, and began practicing during 6th grade gym class. Mostly, I was a joke. Trying over and over and over and failing again and again and again to maintain my balance for more than a few seconds at a time.

What impacts me to this day is the grit and resilience necessary for that twelve year old kid to find success in his pursuit of becoming a Jedi. It’s easy to stay on the beaten path and take on tasks that all but ensure success. It takes something different to tackle challenges that require failure. It takes determination, consistency, patience, and a willingness to look a little foolish in the process. It takes persistent commitment to putting the effort in regardless of the short-term success.

After looking back on these generally awkward years, I realize that at twelve, I was defining success in terms of how I was doing things rather than the accomplishments or accolades I was earning. It didn’t matter that I fell, and fell, and fell. I felt successful because I didn’t allow failure to defeat me.  In many situations, the likelihood of success can be measured by how willing you are to fail in the journey towards you goal.

Next time you set a goal, ask yourself this question: Am I willing to fall on my head and look like a failure to get what I want?

Hopefully, the answer is yes.