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Gender Differences in Brain Functioning

While Steve Novella walks you through the science of male versus female brains in this concise article, I want to talk about what it means for how we interact with the world and the people in it.

“This does not mean that males and females are the same, or that there are no differences. It does mean that individuals are individuals.” –Steven Novella

His summary compares brain function to height with regard to the predictive relevance of gender.  This is the perfect comparison.  If you know someone’s gender, you don’t have great odds of guessing their height on a case by case basis.  Plenty of women (half, by definition) are above average height.  Conversely, half of all men are below average height, and there is a huge overlap in the heights of men and women.  It is the same for brain functioning.  Even if you know  a person’s gender, there is a large number of possibilities for how that particular person’s brain is working.  Any assumptions you make would be a highly inefficient way to understand them.

I’m downplaying the differences and negating any categorical differences; however, it is extremely important to account for these differences when attempting to communicate.  Whether the communication is occurring across genders or within a gender, it is vital to healthy relationships and effective communication that we acknowledge and appreciate the differences in how people process information.  When you ask yourself “How could anyone think that way?,” consider the simple answer, “Because their brain functions differently than mine.”

To communicate and connect with others, there must be a mutual understanding, and if I assume everyone around me should think, process, and comprehend just like I do, I’ve minimized my own effectiveness.  Only with flexibility (in my own thinking) and a willingness to step outside of what is familiar to me, can I genuinely convey or understand meaningful personal thoughts and feelings in any relationship.

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Do Gratitude (and Thanksgiving) on Your Terms

Thanksgiving can easily become a reminder of all the things that frustrate and annoy you.   Messages about the “right” way to be grateful can invite self-criticism and judgment.   It can be the start of a holiday season filled with financial stress, logistical complications, and messy family dynamics.  There are plenty of reasons to be anxious, hurt, frantic, irritated, unappreciated, self-conscious, and resentful about Thanksgiving.  The challenge is to acknowledge all of those feelings without being consumed by them.

There is no doubt that all of us can share stories of the holiday that went horribly wrong.  I’m certain that there will be ample opportunity to complain this year.  The examples below are neither comprehensive nor exhaustive.

Uncle Joe said some incredibly offensive things about entire races, belief systems, nationalities, etc.

Mom doesn’t respect my choices (and is increasingly vocal about it).

I don’t even like turkey.

The drive is ridiculously long…and they don’t ever want us there.

If Thanksgiving stresses you out, give yourself a break.  The day, the season, is about feeling grateful.  If that is extremely difficult to do on the forth Thursday of November, find a different way to celebrate your appreciation of the world (and the people) around you.  Build your own traditions surrounding gratitude.  You may still need to trudge through a turkey dinner or two, but it doesn’t have to stop you from giving thanks.

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Tricky Business of Sincere Acceptance

For years acceptance has been the pinnacle of the grieving process.  Acceptance is a cornerstone of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It’s also fundamental to Eastern philosophies and practices such as Taoism, Buhhdism, meditation, and mindfulness.

All of these approaches promote acceptance.  Be accepting of thoughts and emotions.  Be accepting of situations and hardships.  Be accepting of yourself and other people.

Theoretically, acceptance will result in less suffering, less sadness, less anger – generally less discomfort in our lives.  Through years of practice and observation, I believe that is true.  I’ve shared and taught the ideals of acceptance to hundreds of people, and in nearly every instance, no matter what I do or how I explain the concepts, the same problem arises.

People want to use acceptance as a way to control their emotions.  They ask, “How will acceptance make my sadness go away.”  They wonder, “If I accept everything, how will I control it?”

Hopefully, you picked up on the complete contradiction in the previous sentences.  If not, let me explain.  Acceptance means you’ve relinquished all expectation for change; you’ve taken a role as an observer.  To say internally, or out-loud – “I accept that I’m sad” with the expectation that the sadness will go away is not acceptance at all.

Please don’t mistake the idea of acceptance with giving-up, surrendering, wallowing, or otherwise disconnecting from life.  Genuine acceptance does not equate to throwing your hands up and spending three days in bed watching three seasons of a mediocre show on Netflix.  That would be surrendering to sadness, not accepting it.

Genuine acceptance starts with nonjudgmental recognition – “I’m feeling sad.”  You may simply sit with that feeling, examining and experiencing the thoughts and sensations associated with the emotion.  After accepting that the feeling is present, you make the all-important decision about how you want to live your life (regardless of how you feel).  Here’s the key to accepting uncomfortable emotions.  You don’t have to wait for it to go away to start living life according to your values.  You can be sad and call a friend.  You can be sad and socialize.  You can be sad and make dinner for your family.  You can be sad and go to class.  You can be sad and be kind, trusting, generous, engaged, or dedicated.

All of this is easier said than done.  It requires clarity of personal values and goals.  It requires intentional practice related to active acceptance.  It requires self-compassion, patience, and vulnerability.  Use this guided exercise to take a proactive approach to emotional acceptance.

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Lessons from Shel: #2454. Who am I?

 

I frequently use this poem by Shel Silverstein to illustrate the importance of perspective and the pervasiveness of false dichotomies.  Read the poem then continue reading below.
When given an either-or proposition, it’s extremely easy to lose the nuanced experience of who we are and how we experience the world.

Are you a good mother with some bad ways or bad mother with some good ways?

Are you a kind person with some hateful habits or hateful person with some kind habits?

Was it a gorgeous sunset with some ugliness or an ugly sunset with some beauty shining through?

Are you a great friend with some disengaged days or a disengaged friend with some great days?

Was it a wonderful day or horrible day?

Before you invest in answering those questions, consider that in any given moment, both can be true.   As a mother, a father, a friend, or a sibling, you make contributions and cause distress.  Every sunset has it’s high points and low points.  Every day provides opportunities to revel in gratitude or complain incessantly.  As it becomes easier to lean toward the negative, it becomes increasingly important to maintain a balance.  Accept the struggles while actively acknowledging the (sometimes small) moments of awesomeness throughout the day.  Above all, hold on to the realization the you, and the world around you, is NEVER just one way.

 

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Anatomy of Peace – Book Review

anatomy of peace

Author: Arbinger Institute

Why I love it:  The mantra, “heart at peace,” is something that still runs through my head more than a decade after I first read Anatomy of Peace.  It sets a strong foundation for the development of compassion, gratitude, and mindfulness – values that have remained at the forefront of my personal and professional pursuits.

Why it’s helpful:  Anatomy of Peace stands out because of the purity and simplicity of its message.  The compelling narrative provides a clear structure for very big ideas.  The book challenges readers to maintain personal responsibility for their actions AND perceptions/assumptions.

Who can use it:  This book is for everyone.  It’s literally describing a way of being.  The messages will most directly impact those looking to change how they engage in relationships.  If you find yourself being in conflict with everyone and everything around you, this book can provide strategies for internal resolution.

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3 Steps to Boosting Gratitude Now

DSC_0057

Gratitude is a buzzword these days, but sometimes becoming more grateful is presented as an arbitrary journey towards metaphysical enlightenment.

If you don’t know what that means, don’t worry – neither do I.

As much as being grateful is about changing how you feel, it’s even more about changing what you do.  Follow these three steps RIGHT NOW and you’ll be on your way to reaping all the rewards of a life filled with gratitude.

1.  Answer this question.  What’s the best thing that’s happened today?  No matter how bad your day has been, there will always be a best thing.  No matter how early it is, there will still be a best thing.  Challenge yourself to spend some time throughout the day to revisit your best things.  You may recall the pleasant smile of barista serving your morning coffee or the sight of mountains in front of the rising sun.

2.  Pat yourself on the back.  Gratitude isn’t all about the world around you.  Building appreciation for yourself is a vital aspect of being a thankful person.  Find something you can be grateful for about YOU.  Thank your eyes for their ability to read this blog.  Thank your hand for navigating to this website.  Thank your mind and heart for their willingness to build gratitude.

3.  Spread the word.  Part any healthy gratitude practice is sharing your new-found skills and feelings with those around you.  Social connection and compassion for others are incredible ways amplify your thankfulness.  Take the time right now to send a text, write an email, make a phone call, or look over to the person next to you and express something you’re grateful for.

Repeat regularly (multiple times a day would be great) and let us know how it changes you.

 

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What Made the Bad Boys So Good?

Detroit Bad Boys

I grew up a fan of the Detroit Pistons, so as a kid, I rooted for the “Bad Boys” of basketball…and I loved it.  From an objective standpoint, and with the filter of hindsight, there are plenty of things about the late 80s Pistons that are tough to condone.  An unhealthy aggression and sense of vengeance along with physical altercations both within the team and against opponents, make it tough to say they were the perfect team.

They were doing something right though, and they were doing it well enough to win two championships with Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, and Michael Jordan in the league.  What they did, better than anyone at the time, was build culture.  Everyone on the team knew their role and embraced it.  Everyone knew what to expect from their teammates every time they stepped on the court.  Leadership was clear and vocal about what the expectation were, and everyone was held accountable to meet those expectations (Thanks Laimbeer!).  They consistently worked as a team to adapt to these roles, make adjustments when necessary, and support each other when the culture was challenged by external forces.

While I can’t advise anyone to physically fight their coworkers to establish expectations (No Thanks Laimbeer), borrowing some of the “Bad Boys” attitude may be highly beneficial in your work and personal life.  Be clear and vocal about your expectations.  Hold yourself and your team accountable.  Come together and collaborate when faced with adversity.  Seek out and be open to receiving support.

Whether you’re a Piston’s fan or not, you have to admit, the “Bad Boys” team found a way to be successful against the toughest completion in the history of professional basketball.

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Golden Ticket to immediate RESPECT.

 

Aim for respect and they’ll probably like you.  Aim exclusively for being liked, and you risk losing everyone’s respect.

Often, leaders put too much of their time and energy into being liked by their superiors, peers, and subordinates.  This, however, can become a dangerous trap where appearing friendly becomes more important that doing what it takes to be an effective leader.

As a parent of two, I can’t help but see the parallels in my relationship with my children.  My kids (and most other humans) have a knack for testing the resolve of their leaders, and as leaders, we have to constantly be ready to respond.

Based on the feedback from my six-year old, I would have to believe that consistently limiting her chocolate intake makes me a sub-par dad.  My son would have me question my capacity as a father if I don’t buy him ALL the Lego sets he ever wanted.  If I was interested only in having my kids like me and agree with all my decisions, I would have children similar to the more nauseating characters in a Roald Dahl novel.  They wouldn’t respect me, and I wouldn’t respect myself.

Apply the same concepts to leading a team or a business, and you’ll quickly recognize where you’re caving into external pressure and where you’re holding strong to your values.   To respect yourself, you’ll need a clear definition of what it means to be a strong and successful leader. Regardless of the people involved, the political climate of the organization, the potential consequences, strong leaders know how to walk away respecting themselves.

That’s someone I’d want to follow.  What about you?

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Lessons from Shel #1325. Maybe you’re doing it wrong

 

Shel - Carrots

I continue to be impressed with the simple yet powerful way that Shel Silverstien expresses his views of the world.  In “Carrots,” he both literally and figuratively illustrates the well-intentioned self-sabotage that can destroy us.

It’s certainly something I’ve wrestled with.  I’ve exercised to the point of injury.  I’ve eaten “clean” to the point of feeling miserable deprivation.  I’ve communicated so openly that I’ve damaged relationships.  I’ve been compliant and agreeable in situations that left me feeling marginalized and ignored.

Healthy diets, exercise, open communication, and being pleasant with others are absolutely beneficial when they’re used appropriately.  The hard part comes when I have to figure out what’s actually going to be effective for me, given my current circumstances, and what’s going to be detrimental to my success.  It can be difficult to distinguish the struggle of pushing through a challenge and the pain associated with self-sabotage.  It’s not always as obvious as Shel might have us believe, but it’s a distinction that’s vital to remaining effective and healthy.

I’m going to keep asking myself…is this really moving me towards the life I want to have.  As long as I’m answering “yes” most the time, I’ll be doing fine.

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Yoda was Right

As an awkward twelve year old boy (redundancy noted), I spent an entire day of my summer vacation watching the three original Star Wars movie. While I’d like to say that I experienced some philosophical awakening, that was not the case. I did, however, leave my comfortable position on the couch knowing one certainty. To hone my Jedi skills, I would learn to walk on my hands, training myself just as Yoda had trained Luke in the swamps of ………. “Do or do not, there is no try.”

Over the course of the next few days and months, I committed myself whole-heartedly to my pursuit of inverted ambulation, and I fell a lot. I crashed straight to the ground at times, with my arms being unable to support my body weight. I fell sideways, crashing into the hallway that led to my bedroom. I would plummet to the floor after just a few seconds with my feet in the air. I became brave in my newfound mediocrity, and began practicing during 6th grade gym class. Mostly, I was a joke. Trying over and over and over and failing again and again and again to maintain my balance for more than a few seconds at a time.

What impacts me to this day is the grit and resilience necessary for that twelve year old kid to find success in his pursuit of becoming a Jedi. It’s easy to stay on the beaten path and take on tasks that all but ensure success. It takes something different to tackle challenges that require failure. It takes determination, consistency, patience, and a willingness to look a little foolish in the process. It takes persistent commitment to putting the effort in regardless of the short-term success.

After looking back on these generally awkward years, I realize that at twelve, I was defining success in terms of how I was doing things rather than the accomplishments or accolades I was earning. It didn’t matter that I fell, and fell, and fell. I felt successful because I didn’t allow failure to defeat me.  In many situations, the likelihood of success can be measured by how willing you are to fail in the journey towards you goal.

Next time you set a goal, ask yourself this question: Am I willing to fall on my head and look like a failure to get what I want?

Hopefully, the answer is yes.