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Communication: Mutual Understanding or Bust

In nearly every relationship, there comes a time when we feel desperate to be understood.  Those are also the moments when it can be the hardest to communicate.  If we shift our definition of communication slightly, we can increase our odds of being understood.

Rather than defining communication as how/what we say, let’s define effective communication as an interaction culminating in mutual understanding.  Using this definition, the “right way” to communicate becomes fluid and requires flexibility.  It also makes every interaction a team-effort.  There’s no one way to ensure understanding.  Genuine communication requires an investment in both sides of the dialogue – speaking and using nonverbal cues as well as actively listening for content and tone.  If all parties are working toward mutual understanding, they’ll be flexible with how they communicate and they’ll be participating as a listener in order to clarify meaning.

In an effort to communicate effectively, we start with three simple questions.  What emotion do I feel?  What specific experience triggered that emotion? What (if anything) do I hope changes because of this communication?

The person initiating the conversation can set the team up for success by prepping the team for the conversation.  Preparation may be as simple as, “I want to share something with you, and I’d really like you to understand where I’m coming from.”  Then, dive in using this structure to convey the answers to the three questions listed above:

I feel __________ when ____________.

In the future, I would appreciate __________________.

If feel hurt when I expect you home at 6pm and you don’t get home until 8pm.  In the future, I’d really appreciate that you let me know as soon as possible when your schedule changes, and it would mean a lot to me if you acknowledge how hard it is for me when I don’t know your schedule.

It’s important to start with “I feel” and follow it up with an emotion.  A common mistake in this form of communication is to hide attacks within this structure.  “I feel like you’re doing everything wrong” is not an appropriate use of the structure.  The first blank can be filled with an emotion word, the second blank with a specific complaint, and the third blank with detailed and realistic expectations or desires.

The person listen then reflects what they’ve heard:

I hear that you feel __________ when ___________.

Moving forward, you would like ________________________.  Do you feel heard?

I hear that you feel hurt when you expect me home at 6pm and I don’t get in until 8pm.  It would mean a lot to you if I let you know sooner when my schedule changes…and it would mean a lot if I acknowledge how hard it must be to never know exactly when I’m going to be home.  Am I hearing you?

Note the lack of defensiveness.  It’s a simple reflection.

There may be a temptation at this point to shift to old habits of unhealthy conflict.  The person communicating the complaint may feel penance hasn’t been served or the level of guilt isn’t adequate.  They may want to start piling on more complaints or escalate into criticism.  The recipient of the complaint may drift into defensiveness through excuse-making or blaming.  RESIST THE URGE.

When mutual understanding has been reached – celebrate.

Thanks for hearing me out.  I’m glad you just listened.

I really appreciate that you just listened without getting defensive.

I recognize it’s a problem, and I’m glad you brought it up.  It’s definitely something I want to work on.

I’m glad you told me how you feel about this

Initially, this structure may feel forced and clunky.  That’s okay.  It doesn’t mean it’s not working.  If the skill of effective communication were compared to hitting a baseball, this structure becomes the tee in tee-ball.  Once you’ve got that feel of it, you can start swinging at some slow pitches.  Eventually, you’ll be ready for the full-speed pitches, making adjustment mid-swing, and getting consistent contact with the ball.

For more strategies aimed at keep communication civil and productive, check these out:  How to Avoid Drama, Cycle of Collusion, and be on the look out for an upcoming blog on the Four Horsemen of the Communication Apocalypse based on the work of Dr. John Gottman.

 
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Mental and Emotional Fitness

My perspective on mental health continues to move further and further from the traditional medical model.  Identify symptoms, track causes, treat the disease – repeat.  I’m a much bigger believer in a preventative health model, the model that states we can avoid many illness and recover faster from the ones we do encounter IF we are taking good care of ourselves along the way.  The preventative model, while not actively implemented, is universally accepted.  I don’t know anyone that argues against the idea that regular exercise and a healthy diet can prevent many diseases and improve recovery rates for many others.

It’s important here to distinguish between being mentally and emotionally fit and being happy.  These are two extremely different things.  Happiness is a impermanent emotional experience.  Fitness is a slow-to-change state of being.  In the course of building and maintain fitness in this realm, I’m confident that there will be increasingly more opportunities to feel happy.  However, just like being tired one day doesn’t mean you’re not physically fit, being sad or anxious one day (or a few) doesn’t mean that you’re not mentally/emotionally fit.

Things are more clear with physical well-being.  Everyone knows that smoking cigarettes, consuming excessive alcohol, and subsisting on Doritos and Mountain Dew may have serious health impacts.  No one expects to be healthy when they consistently avoid healthy behaviors and engage in unhealthy behaviors.  No one is surprised when their doctor tells them that regaining health will require a change in lifestyle – consistent, long-term changes in diet and exercise.  We all accept the fact that physical fitness comes through committed effort.

It’s the same for our mental and emotional fitness.  It’s just harder to see.

Many people fall into patterns of mental and emotional sabotage then lament their lack of contentment.  They engage in unhealthy behaviors every single day then honestly wonder why they don’t feel mentally and emotionally well.  They judge, criticize (themselves and others), focus on the worst part of their day, build walls of righteous anger, fill the world with blame and shame, fail to communicate assertively, ignore their feelings, neglect boundaries, compromise their values, and passively watch life go by….then they complain about not being happy.

It’s the equivalent of someone watching their twelfth straight episode of “House of Cards” on Netflix, finishing off a pack of cigarettes, and washing it down with the last swallow in two-liter of Mountain Dew and pondering, “Why isn’t my body in peak physical condition right now?”  It sounds a little silly, but many people expect mental and emotional well-being without the work.  They expect fitness without committed effort or significant changes.  To be fair, it can be easy to mistake moments of happiness with genuine emotional fitness.  Unfortunately, it’s a costly mistake that allows people to justify a wide variety of strategies for exercising mental fitness.

The same way poor physical health makes physical injuries more likely and recovery more difficult, poor mental and emotional fitness can make people more prone to mental health “injuries” – diagnostic levels of depression, anxiety, substance use, etc.  as well as making recovery from those illnesses more challenging.

Now, physically fit people still fall ill and suffer some of the same maladies as those less concerned with physical health.  They can still suffer from heart attacks, broken bones, and pneumonia.  Mental illness is no different.  Practicing mindfulness, exercising gratitude and compassion, engaging in values-based living, and working to maintain a healthy mental outlook doesn’t guarantee  mental well-being.  Nothing can completely protect you from illness.  Mental and emotional fitness is about quality of life before, during, and after those illnesses.

So what’s it take to get fit?  The guidelines for physical fitness have been well defined.  According to the World Health Organization, adults benefit from spending at least 150 minutes per week engaging in moderate-intensity activities.  That’s 30 minutes five times per week, roughly 1.5% of your time each week.  Let’s apply the same standard to mental and emotional fitness.  Spend approximately 150 minutes per week actively engaged in becoming mentally and emotionally fit.  Whether that means meditation, writing a letter of gratitude, challenging distorted thoughts, practicing compassion, or seeing a therapist – carve out 1.5% of your weekly schedule and prioritize your emotional well-being.  Get fit.

As a therapist, people usually come to me after they recognize an illness.  The preventative piece is gone in terms of the present struggle.  I’m the cardiologist that meets the patient for the first time after the heart attack.  Not ideal, but it’s a place to start.  If I have the opportunity to work with someone on developing skills, building strategies, and creating a life-style, I’ve got a chance to help them get fit, to help them avoid (or lessen) future illnesses, to help them enjoy life a little more.  I’m grateful for that opportunity.

 

 

 

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Beyond the Buzzword: Mindfulness

Mindfulness has become popularized in the last several years.  With the explosion of yoga for physical fitness and increased use in psychotherapeutic interventions, mindfulness has become commonplace.  But what does it mean?  Does the CEO prompting his employees to be mindful mean the same thing as the instructor of the hot yoga class you take on Saturday morning?  Does being a mindful parent create different outcomes than the mindfulness taught in schools?  Do you have to meditate or chant “ohm” to be mindful?  Can you be mad, stressed, scared, and overwhelmed and still be mindful?

Anyone can be mindful and they can do it whenever they want.  I’ll try to simplify as much as I can while explaining mindfulness in a way that goes well beyond the buzzword and the image of the meditating yogi.  Boiling it down to a single sentence, it looks like this:

Mindfulness is the ability to control attention, non-judgmentally, in the present moment.

Now, let me unpack those three primary components.
1. Controlling Attention: This does not equate to controlling specific thoughts or emotions. Controlling attention involves the ability to focus and refocus with intention.  It’s the ability to recognize the thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they happen then choose what you focus on and how you pay attention it.  Our mind, left to its own devices, wanders.  That’s normal; that’s to be expected.  Through some consistent effort, we can improve our ability to maintain focus and be more mindful.

2. Acceptance: This is the opposite of judgement. Observing our thoughts, emotions, and sensations without evaluating or passing judgement is often a major paradigm shift in terms of how we interact with our experiences.  Being genuinely mindful requires the practice of compassionate observation.  Judging experiences as “good” or “bad”, sorting thoughts into “should be having” and “shouldn’t be having”, or delineating emotions into “strong” and “weak”, only serves to distance us from the reality of the experience.  This lack of acceptance creates some inherent discomfort.  By observing and accepting our internal and external experiences without judgment, we can engage without the self-created (and unnecessary burden) of “right” and “wrong”, allowing us to be a bit more comfortable and make more room for joy.

3. Remaining Present: We experience more than enough in any given moment to safely let go of the past and stay out of the future without fear of being bored or unfulfilled. However, to be content in the present moment requires the previous two skills. Without the ability to control attention, the present moment can quickly become overwhelming.  Without acceptance, the present moment can be unbearably uncomfortable due to the incessant judgment. Ultimately our experience is the accumulation of single moments, so being able to engage with each moment will lead to a more fulfilling experience.

At any time, you can apply these three basic components in order to effectively practice mindfulness.  While you do the dishes, pay attention to how the water feels on your skin, or the sound of the water as you rinse the dishes.  Do that without judging the feelings or evaluating the sound and BOOM!  You were just mindful.  Sitting in traffic?  Notice your thoughts, imagine them drifting through your head, and allow them to be there.  BOOM!  You did it again.  You were mindful.  It’s as simple as that.

Go.  Be mindful.  Let me know how it goes.

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Critic or Coach? Why “truth” isn’t necessarily the most helpful approach.

Critics are paid professionals that are expected to pass judgement.  Whether it’s food, a performance, a movie, or any other experience, honesty is vital their livelihood.  Without honestly, their opinions (which they’re paid to have) may no longer be valued or respected.  Critics serve a purpose, but it is rarely their intention to be, in any way, helpful to the objects of their evaluations.  Despite this spectacularly unhelpful stance, many of us fall into being critics of ourselves – evaluating and judging our behaviors and experiences without regard to the utter lack of value it brings.  Streams of critical thoughts may seem as natural as breathing in some circumstances.

“I’m so stupid/such an idiot/so irresponsible/so lazy/fat/ugly/short/depressed/etc.”

“I’m a horrible parent because I did (or didn’t do) ____________”

“If I wasn’t such a bad husband, I would ____________”

“I’m not good enough to ____________”

These criticism rarely, if ever, serve to effectively and efficiently motivate healthy change.  There may be some honest evaluation going on, but what purpose does it serve?  It fuels the furnace of guilt and self-loathing and only occasionally motivates change. In the long-run, this strategy is highly destructive.

Leave the criticism to the critics.  Unless you get paid to ruminate on your shortcomings, it’s time to switch gears.

Be coach.

Great coaches don’t dwell on the negative.  They make appropriate evaluations, but spend more time praising and encouraging the best aspects of their players.  Despite any shortcomings, they focus on what their teams do well.  When faced with failure or a daunting task, they refocus on “how” the team plays more than what the outcome is.  Win or lose – play hard, push yourself, acknowledge your teammates, and keep working.  Coaches know it sucks to lose.  Coaches get that players make mistakes. Coaches understand the tendency to be self-depreciating.  They respond with acceptance and encouragement – “Keep your head up! Keep working!”

Critics are paid to judge, coaches are paid to win.  Which offers you the be chances of flourishing?  How do you want to spend your time and energy?   Which internal narrative would be more helpful to you?

 

 

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Why I tell everyone “You Are Awesome”

It is incredibly easy for me to be critical.  The ability to identify the shortcomings, flaws, and mistakes of myself and others has come naturally to me.  I can see a movie, a process, a person, or anything else and tell you how it could be better.  This “gift” of diagnosing problems was certainly helpful in academia as I was tasked with applying critical thinking skills.  It was a strength as I critiqued research articles and clinical interventions as a student of psychology.  It even serves me professionally as I find myself responsible for assigning labels for the mental health issues I assess.

As helpful as it has been, it has been a larger detriment to me personally and socially.  Nothing stifles joy and gratitude like criticism.  If I focus on the opinion that the sunset could be brighter or the clouds are a little too purple, it’s tough to appreciate the magic in that moment.  If I think the presenter should have spoken a little louder or covered a few more crucial ideas, it’s tough to integrate and apply the information.  If I ruminate on the fact that my friend could have called a little more frequently or stayed a little longer, it’s tough to see how much excitement they bring into my life.  I want to find the magic in the sunset, the wisdom in the presentation, and the value in my friendships.

Over the last several years, I’ve entrenched myself in the process of cultivating more positivity and reducing negativity.  I’ve used social media, worn t-shirts, passed out business cards, held signs, developed and presented workshops, and lead university wide initiatives aimed at spreading one simple message – “You Are Awesome.”  It began as a concrete way to build positive interactions into a culture or situation – possibly helping others feel good.  It was a reminder to others that they are awesome, and they should start from that point in any situation. If they’re happier, the environment is more positive and it’s easier to be less critical.

The message has remained the same, but it’s meaning has changed for me.  Now, when I wear a shirt that says “You Are Awesome” it isn’t necessarily intended to convince others of their awesomeness, and I’m not really expecting the environment to change either.  It’s meant to remind me, that no matter what’s happening around me, I can find some good somewhere if I’m looking for it.  It’s not about identifying a silver-lining in every situation.  It’s not about “it sucks, BUT…”  It’s about fighting against my tendency to focus in on the problems and the things that I want to be different.  It’s about accepting the pain and challenging myself to proactively identify the things I’m grateful for rather than doing what’s easy (for me anyway) and pouring energy into being critical.  Wearing a shirt, carrying a sign, or passing out cards emblazoned with the “You Are Awesome” message forces me to be prepared to answer the question “What’s awesome about _______?”  My life is so much better when I’m looking for the moments that inspire awe.

Wearing a shirt, carrying a sign, or passing out cards emblazoned with the “You Are Awesome” message forces me to be prepared to answer the question “What’s awesome about _______?”  My life is so much better when I’m looking for the moments that inspire awe.

I’ve realized that so many things are genuinely awesome when defined in that way.  There are so many experiences that, when examined closely, are ridiculous and overwhelming in their magnificence.  The fact that you’re reading this blog fits into that category.  This seemingly mundane activity means that as I sit in my office in Poulsbo, Washington, I can click a button and make my thoughts and feelings accessible to anyone in the world that has access to the internet.  Then you, as the reader, have this insight into my life.  You have a unique connection to one of the 7 billion possible people you could have connected with today.  Yeah, that’s awesome.  Every seemingly mundane activity can be looked at from this perspective -every relationship -every convenience – everything we take for granted day after day can be viewed through this very different lens.

I feel the urge to defend another common argument against this way of approaching the world. I frequently get asked the question, “What about the things/people/experiences that really are not awesome?”  It’s a powerful question and needs to be addressed.  When bad things happen in the world, it’s not healthy to ignore them or to attempt to drown them out with positivity.  I will be the first to say that the world is not all puppies and rainbows, and that’s not really what the “You Are Awesome” message implies.  People get murdered, trusted officials lie and take advantage of their power, systematic oppress is real, hate is contagious, and the world is full of suffering.  When I see these realities in my own life I do my best to acknowledge them and meet them powerfully with compassion, empathy, and gratitude.  I know I can’t replace my grief, fear, or confusion with happiness and appreciation in painful situations, but I certainly don’t want to be ignoring all the things I have to be grateful for as I suffer.  Usually, when I’m in the most pain is when I find the most comfort in immersing myself in the awesomeness around me.  When my world is falling apart around me, I can find solace in recognizing how much worse it would be without the awe inspiring experiences I have every single day.

My shirts may seem cheesy.  The message, at first glance, can easily be seen as insincere. Your initial assessment may be dismissive.  Whether you’re skeptical of the concept or not, I invite you to let up on the criticism and judgment and practice more gratitude by preparing yourself to answer some of these questions throughout the day.  Fair warning – some days these questions will be more difficult to answer than others.

  1. What was awesome about today?
  2. Who made your life easier today? How did they do it?
  3. What made you smile today?
  4. What did you see today that was beautiful?
  5. What was something that would have made today way harder if you did have it?
  6. What was the best thing you tasted today?
  7. Who did something nice for you today? What did they do?
  8. Who did you connect with today? What did you like about it?
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Empathy vs. Sympathy according to Brene Brown

I’m a fan of Brene Brown.  Her TED talks are thought provoking.  She seems to live consistently with the content she’s sharing, and she’s able to deliver big ideas in very palatable ways.  In the video below, she discusses the difference between sympathy and empathy, highlighting the connecting power of empathy and the disconnect common with sympathy.

The two concepts appear to be closely associated; however sympathy, too often, is limited to feeling pity that exacerbate differences between people.  Pity involves magnifying the differences between us, but often ignoring the similarities.  This drives separation rather than connection.  Empathy opens the relationship to a shared experience and a more sincere understanding.

You may say the words are synonyms and the differences are merely semantic; however, I invite you to work towards being empathic in your next encounter and take note of how the interaction goes for you and for them.  It may surprise you how the dynamic changes when you actively work to connect and be with someone…especially when they’re experiencing uncomfortable emotions.  Challenge yourself to resist placing expectations on them to feel better.  Resist putting a silver-lining on their pain.  Be close, and do nothing.  Be with them in their grief, anxiety, anger, sadness, or despair.  Just be with them.

 

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Tricky Business of Sincere Acceptance

For years acceptance has been the pinnacle of the grieving process.  Acceptance is a cornerstone of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It’s also fundamental to Eastern philosophies and practices such as Taoism, Buhhdism, meditation, and mindfulness.

All of these approaches promote acceptance.  Be accepting of thoughts and emotions.  Be accepting of situations and hardships.  Be accepting of yourself and other people.

Theoretically, acceptance will result in less suffering, less sadness, less anger – generally less discomfort in our lives.  Through years of practice and observation, I believe that is true.  I’ve shared and taught the ideals of acceptance to hundreds of people, and in nearly every instance, no matter what I do or how I explain the concepts, the same problem arises.

People want to use acceptance as a way to control their emotions.  They ask, “How will acceptance make my sadness go away.”  They wonder, “If I accept everything, how will I control it?”

Hopefully, you picked up on the complete contradiction in the previous sentences.  If not, let me explain.  Acceptance means you’ve relinquished all expectation for change; you’ve taken a role as an observer.  To say internally, or out-loud – “I accept that I’m sad” with the expectation that the sadness will go away is not acceptance at all.

Please don’t mistake the idea of acceptance with giving-up, surrendering, wallowing, or otherwise disconnecting from life.  Genuine acceptance does not equate to throwing your hands up and spending three days in bed watching three seasons of a mediocre show on Netflix.  That would be surrendering to sadness, not accepting it.

Genuine acceptance starts with nonjudgmental recognition – “I’m feeling sad.”  You may simply sit with that feeling, examining and experiencing the thoughts and sensations associated with the emotion.  After accepting that the feeling is present, you make the all-important decision about how you want to live your life (regardless of how you feel).  Here’s the key to accepting uncomfortable emotions.  You don’t have to wait for it to go away to start living life according to your values.  You can be sad and call a friend.  You can be sad and socialize.  You can be sad and make dinner for your family.  You can be sad and go to class.  You can be sad and be kind, trusting, generous, engaged, or dedicated.

All of this is easier said than done.  It requires clarity of personal values and goals.  It requires intentional practice related to active acceptance.  It requires self-compassion, patience, and vulnerability.  Use this guided exercise to take a proactive approach to emotional acceptance.

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Anatomy of Peace – Book Review

anatomy of peace

Author: Arbinger Institute

Why I love it:  The mantra, “heart at peace,” is something that still runs through my head more than a decade after I first read Anatomy of Peace.  It sets a strong foundation for the development of compassion, gratitude, and mindfulness – values that have remained at the forefront of my personal and professional pursuits.

Why it’s helpful:  Anatomy of Peace stands out because of the purity and simplicity of its message.  The compelling narrative provides a clear structure for very big ideas.  The book challenges readers to maintain personal responsibility for their actions AND perceptions/assumptions.

Who can use it:  This book is for everyone.  It’s literally describing a way of being.  The messages will most directly impact those looking to change how they engage in relationships.  If you find yourself being in conflict with everyone and everything around you, this book can provide strategies for internal resolution.