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Communication: Mutual Understanding or Bust

In nearly every relationship, there comes a time when we feel desperate to be understood.  Those are also the moments when it can be the hardest to communicate.  If we shift our definition of communication slightly, we can increase our odds of being understood.

Rather than defining communication as how/what we say, let’s define effective communication as an interaction culminating in mutual understanding.  Using this definition, the “right way” to communicate becomes fluid and requires flexibility.  It also makes every interaction a team-effort.  There’s no one way to ensure understanding.  Genuine communication requires an investment in both sides of the dialogue – speaking and using nonverbal cues as well as actively listening for content and tone.  If all parties are working toward mutual understanding, they’ll be flexible with how they communicate and they’ll be participating as a listener in order to clarify meaning.

In an effort to communicate effectively, we start with three simple questions.  What emotion do I feel?  What specific experience triggered that emotion? What (if anything) do I hope changes because of this communication?

The person initiating the conversation can set the team up for success by prepping the team for the conversation.  Preparation may be as simple as, “I want to share something with you, and I’d really like you to understand where I’m coming from.”  Then, dive in using this structure to convey the answers to the three questions listed above:

I feel __________ when ____________.

In the future, I would appreciate __________________.

If feel hurt when I expect you home at 6pm and you don’t get home until 8pm.  In the future, I’d really appreciate that you let me know as soon as possible when your schedule changes, and it would mean a lot to me if you acknowledge how hard it is for me when I don’t know your schedule.

It’s important to start with “I feel” and follow it up with an emotion.  A common mistake in this form of communication is to hide attacks within this structure.  “I feel like you’re doing everything wrong” is not an appropriate use of the structure.  The first blank can be filled with an emotion word, the second blank with a specific complaint, and the third blank with detailed and realistic expectations or desires.

The person listen then reflects what they’ve heard:

I hear that you feel __________ when ___________.

Moving forward, you would like ________________________.  Do you feel heard?

I hear that you feel hurt when you expect me home at 6pm and I don’t get in until 8pm.  It would mean a lot to you if I let you know sooner when my schedule changes…and it would mean a lot if I acknowledge how hard it must be to never know exactly when I’m going to be home.  Am I hearing you?

Note the lack of defensiveness.  It’s a simple reflection.

There may be a temptation at this point to shift to old habits of unhealthy conflict.  The person communicating the complaint may feel penance hasn’t been served or the level of guilt isn’t adequate.  They may want to start piling on more complaints or escalate into criticism.  The recipient of the complaint may drift into defensiveness through excuse-making or blaming.  RESIST THE URGE.

When mutual understanding has been reached – celebrate.

Thanks for hearing me out.  I’m glad you just listened.

I really appreciate that you just listened without getting defensive.

I recognize it’s a problem, and I’m glad you brought it up.  It’s definitely something I want to work on.

I’m glad you told me how you feel about this

Initially, this structure may feel forced and clunky.  That’s okay.  It doesn’t mean it’s not working.  If the skill of effective communication were compared to hitting a baseball, this structure becomes the tee in tee-ball.  Once you’ve got that feel of it, you can start swinging at some slow pitches.  Eventually, you’ll be ready for the full-speed pitches, making adjustment mid-swing, and getting consistent contact with the ball.

For more strategies aimed at keep communication civil and productive, check these out:  How to Avoid Drama, Cycle of Collusion, and be on the look out for an upcoming blog on the Four Horsemen of the Communication Apocalypse based on the work of Dr. John Gottman.

 
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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: Part 5

So far we have explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Then,  it was on to Emotional Reasoning and Should Statements. Last time we examined the destructive nature of unnecessary Personalization and the “ALWAYS” scary False Permanence

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier perceptions of your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  • Blaming:  This particular distorted thinking pattern is a sneaky one.  It infiltrates common language usage on a daily basis.  Any time you use “________ makes me feel _______,” you’re using a form of blame to distance yourself from the emotional experience.  “You make me so angry” is a statement that blames someone else for your emotional experience.  Blame (like should) carries inherent judgment which can be personally and interpersonally destructive.  Blaming others in this away also pushes you away from other people, creating conflict rather than resolution.  Blame isn’t just for emotions though.

Blame is an equally damaging distortion when applied to our own behaviors.  “They made me do it” is a harmful way to escape the discomfort of personal responsibility; however, if others are in control of how you feel and what you do….the whole world becomes very unpredictable and unstable.  If you’re in the habit of blaming other people, or even circumstances, for your emotions and behavior, it creates a mentality that falsely absolves you of personal responsibility and strips your sense of self-efficacy.  Blaming, therefore, becomes a backhanded attack on your own capacity to validate your emotions and manage your behaviors.  If everyone/everything is always responsible…you can never feel successful.

Blame also paints you into a corner in terms of personal identity.  Blame creates a narrative with only one identity – righteous victim.  This role can protect you from vulnerability.  It can mask feelings of pain and helplessness with righteous anger, but people can also get stuck in that role, remaining hurt, powerless, and angry.

Challenging Blaming: The simple answer?  Stop blaming other people or circumstances for your feelings and conditions.  Clearly, the solution is more complex than that, but it’s a good place to start.  Start by rephrasing the way you express emotions.  “That movie made me sad” becomes “I feel sad when I watch movies about true love.”  Work to be consistent in your expression and start with “I feel ______ when _________.”  The difference may seem subtle, but the language we use (even in our own heads) has a huge impact on how we experience the world around us.  “You make me so mad” becomes “I feel angry when it seems like you’re ignoring me.”  Work to observe your feelings and circumstances without judgment or blame, and look for values-based actions you can take to move toward solutions.  Reflect, share, or journal to validate your emotions, and practice acceptance of those emotions without blame.  Create a narrative that acknowledges your personal choices as well as your capacity to make different choices moving forward.  Choose to build a personal identity consistent with the competent and capable individual that you are, and avoid falling into the “righteous victim” role.

  • Magical Thinking:  Magical Thinking distorts thoughts by shouting “TRUTH!” to the adage, “the grass is always greener…”  This type of thinking establishes false hope and wastes energy as people chase after frivolous, empty goals.  It often postpones meaningful action and shifts attention away from effectiveness.  Happiness or success or some version of those two is perpetually at your fingertips or just an arm’s length away.  “If I lost 10 pounds I’d be happy.”  “If I had a new boss, I’d love my job.” “If I could just move away for a while, everything would be different.”  The examples are endless, “If only he would….If only she said…If only they did…If only I was…”  In the meantime, while you wait for things and people around you to change, you’ve remained unhappy and stagnant.  Or perhaps you’ve exhausted yourself trying to make those things happen, only to find that checking that box didn’t deliver happiness at all.  Finding contentment in life will never be about checking a box, accomplishing a goal, or attaining some external status.  Contentment comes from a way of being, an internal shift in how you perceive and experience the world around you.  Magical thinking works to convince you of the opposite.

Challenging Magical Thinking: Work with what you have.  Remind yourself that contentment is not just around the corner, but can be achieved regardless of the current circumstances, and happiness, just like all emotions is not a permanent destination.  Use “if only” as a red-flag that prompts you to rewrite the script.  “If only I lost 10lbs, I could be happy with how I look” becomes “My body is amazing just how it is…and I’m setting a goal to eat more vegetables and exercise three days a week.  I know that my mind and body feel better when I’m eating a nutritious diet and working out regularly.”  Success no longer hinges on the external outcome.  Allow yourself to be successful in the process, focusing on HOW you work toward a goal rather than arriving at the destination.  Acknowledge your efforts in-the-moment and evaluate success based on the way you engage rather than the long-term outcome.  “I would have been so happy if only I got an A in that class” changes to “I’m proud of the student I was last term even though I didn’t get an A.”  The focus shifts to how – with commitment, dedication, and effort – rather than what.  Magical Thinking takes you out of the present moment, so the challenge is to remain in the present and focus on taking values-based actions…and allow that to be an accomplishment you can celebrate.

You can find a downloadable PDF outline of all ten of the most common distorted thinking patterns here: Top Ten Distorted Thinking Patterns.

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Three Vital Components to Effective Feedback

Each aspect of this could be broken down into excruciating detail, and if you want to hear that breakdown, contact me here.  This blog will provide the highlights…and feel free to leave some feedback in the comments below.

Every organization I’ve ever worked for has made some formal declaration of their openness to feedback.  It’s widely accepted that successful businesses, teams, and relationships are built on a foundation of clearly communicated feedback.  That, however, is easier said than done.  In some instances, the feedback is simply absent – there is no conversation.  In more toxic environments, feedback is actively used to criticize, judge, discouraged, deflected, or otherwise dismissed people.  Occasionally, feedback is present, but ineffective.  Whichever situation you find yourself in, if you want to increase or improve feedback, make sure it includes the following three components:

  1. Observation:  A simple observation is a great place to start with feedback.  This can be an observation of external circumstance or of internal experiences. For example, you may let a coworker know, “I saw that all your TPS reports were turned in on time this month.”  That alone acknowledges that their performance was important enough to pay attention.  It’s clear, concise, and gets right to the point.  In some instances, the observation may be less concrete.  When reviewing a piece of writing, you may reflect, “At the start of the second paragraph, I was a bit confused.”  This is an observation about an internal experience.  Notice that neither of these observations are not subjective.  Be careful to avoid blaming or criticism in these situations.  The previous example could easily become, “At the start of the second paragraph you started writing without a clear direction…you stopped paying attention to where the essay was going”  You can observe your response to the writing, but implying intention (or lack thereof) is an invitation for defensiveness.
  2. Evaluation: This is where you get to say, “Hey, great job this month.”  or “That was horrible.”  Positive evaluation without specific observation becomes quite limiting.  Evaluative statements leave too many questions unanswered and too much room for assumptions.  It’s nice to hear “great job,” but without knowing what concrete detail of your job is great, you haven’t learned anything about what you’re doing well.  Reverse the important bits and you’ll see it’s the same for critical evaluations.  Knowing I got a 65% on an exam doesn’t tell me anything about what I did poorly or what I did well.
  3. Advice: Presuming someone actually wants feedback, they’ll want to know how to improve (or at least maintain) what they’ve already accomplished.  They want advice on what do differently (or the same) moving forward.  You can provide guidance on what needs to change.  Ideally, advice is based on a goal agreed upon by the person providing and receiving the feedback.  Giving advice on how to write a more persuasive essay will be of little value to someone aiming to create an objective, informative piece of literature.

There are two more equally important aspects to feedback, but they only matter if the three components listed above are already being applied.  First of all, effective feedback requires a balance between observation, evaluation, and advice. To actually help a person make changes efficiently, all aspects of feedback will be required. If you constantly tell people, “you are awesome,” take the time to throw in some observations and advice.  If you’re constantly correcting others or telling them what to do, slow down and start making some observations and evaluations.  If you’re missing a piece, or you notice a dramatic imbalance, correct accordingly.  No single aspect of this system works alone, and no ratio is right for every individual or every situation.  Apply observation, evaluation, and advice flexibly to whatever situation you’re in.  The last component, and perhaps the most important to overall effectiveness, is consistency.  A single conversation will never be as effective as an ongoing discussion.  You won’t be able to gauge how feedback is being received in an isolated situation; even if they seem to receive the feedback, the true test comes in changes to the behaviors being observed.  In a one-time discussion, patterns will go unrecognized, goals will be unclear, and proper ratios of observation, evaluation, and advice will be guessed at.  Without consistency, constructive feedback can feel critical and judgmental.  Without practice giving and receiving feedback is an awkward dance of two novices attempting new maneuvers.  Occasional feedback can leave people pained the same way infrequent exercise leads to disproportionate soreness.

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Self-Sabotage and the Cycle of Collusion

Collusion implies that some form of secret collaboration has occurred in an effort to deceive others.  This sounds like the stuff of political espionage and spy movies, so it may surprise you to learn that you’ve been colluding with others on a daily basis, unintentionally sabotaging relationships while justifying your own righteous perceptions and behaviors.  An explanation is required.  I’ve previously recommended The Anatomy of Peace, and the cycle of collusion comes directly from that text.  On the most basic level, the cycle of collusion demonstrates how our own distorted perceptions and judgments about other people lead to interpersonal behaviors that act as a catalyst, promoting unwanted behaviors and confirming our negative perceptions.

Cycle of Collusion

The perceptions that feed our behaviors also provide fuel for the perceptions and behaviors of others.  A feedback loop resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy is created.  If I believe you to be a certain way, I will treat you accordingly, and increase the likelihood of you responding in a confirmatory fashion.  If this makes sense theoretically, the implications become even more powerful when looking at specific examples.  Parents, partners, and coworkers all find themselves colluding as everyone exhausts themselves in an effort to justify their own behaviors as well as their perceptions of each other.

Here we see a common cycle for the parents of an adolescent.

Cycle of Collusion Parenting Example

Now let’s look at how partners set themselves up to fail.

Cycle of Collusion Partner Example

And one more example – the workplace.

Cycle of Collusion Business Example

With each of these examples, we clearly see how the initial perceptions feed into the eventual behaviors that serve as evidence for the perceptions.  Grrr….the frustration is mounting.  How do we make it stop?  Well, the kid could start doing his homework, the husband could stay in a bit more, and Tom could show a little more effort…but, that wouldn’t really solve anything.  The real issue, and the place to focus energy, is the perceptions and behaviors associated with the “I see” and “I do” boxes.

It is too easy to holds other responsible for changing interpersonal dynamics, too easy to avoid personal accountability in these situations.  So, you have to be intentional about focusing on the “I.”  Shift perceptions of the adolescent from “irresponsible” to something more benign like “normal teenager,” “distracted,” or “in need of a break” and any interaction is likely to be more supportive.  If the wife recognizes value in the husband’s desire to build and maintain his social life, it will be easier to encourage him to do so (genuinely), and paradoxically, he may be more motivated to stay home with his wife.  That employee that isn’t delivering, may be waiting for his manager to show some compassion and investment before he’s willing to give his best.

Important note – these more positive perceptions do not let anyone off the hook in terms of legitimate feedback.  That “normal teenager” may need some additional support in terms of academic tutoring, organizational skill development, or external motivation.  We can increase the odds of that happening if we’re perceiving him in a positive light rather than as “irresponsible.”  The husband and wife may need to sit down and have a conversation about shared responsibilities and time with friends, but it doesn’t need to include labels like “inconsiderate” or “clingy.”  Tom may be under-performing, but assuming he is “lazy” or “incompetent” sets him up to be defensive and resistant in any conversations about his quality of work.

Exploring this process in it’s entirety can often shed light on long-standing conflict, hopefully elucidating changes necessary to break out of the cycle.  To apply this theory to your day-to-day life, follow these simple action steps.

  1. Assume positive intent: Eliminate labels and replace negative perceptions with neutral or positive perceptions (even if especially if it’s hard).
  2. Help things go right: Criticizing, ruminating, and disengaging aren’t helping anyone move in a positive direction.  Actively and intentionally look for ways to provide positive support.  This may require a direct conversation or a trial-and-error approach.
  3. Take responsibility: When things don’t go how you planned, look at what you want to do differently next time.  Identify whether your perceptions and behaviors were helping or hurting the dynamic.
  4. Stop expecting others to change: Accept your limitations.  You have limited influence on how other people behave.  Make sure you’re making it as easy as possible for them to move in a positive direction, communicate your expectations and your willingness to help, and then allow life to happen.  You won’t always get the intended results, but you won’t be sabotaging yourself.
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Yeah, that’s drama.

“Stop being so dramatic!!”

“Uh, I’m sick of all this drama.”

“Why do you ALWAYS have to be so dramatic?”

Whenever emotions run hot and tempers flare it’s easy to throw around the word “drama” as an accusation.  That can be problematic when the word is used used to dismiss someone and their feelings.  Calling someone “dramatic” is a way for people to excuse themselves from dealing with the emotional turmoil of others.  It provides (sometimes) false justification to ignore sincere attempts at communicating.

Then again, when someone is truly being dramatic,  it’s destructive, demands attention, and brings down everyone involved.

So, how can we tell genuine intense emotion from unhealthy DRAMA?

The differences are quite clear when you slow down and take at look. David Richo outlines a few distinguishing factors in his book How To Be an Adult.  (I love the title, but I don’t fully agree with all of Dr. Richo’s insights. I do find his review of drama extremely helpful.)

Think back to your last heated conversation and use the lists below to self-assess your communication style.

Dramatic Communication…

  • Is meant to silence the other
  • Blames the other of what you feel
  • Masks fears related to your own lack of control
  • Makes direct or indirect demands on the other to change
  • Is violent, aggressive, derisive, and/or punitive
  • Represses true feelings and motives
  • Insists that others acknowledge how justified you were
  • Creates distance between those involved

Healthy Communication (even when angry)…

  • Is meant to communicate and share information
  • Acknowledges sadness and disappointment
  • Takes ownership of, and responsibility for, your own emotions
  • Asks for, but does not demand change
  • Is nonviolent and well-controlled
  • Coexists with other feelings (in both people)
  • Needs no response
  • Moves toward trust and mutual understanding

This is a great structure for evaluating your own approach to difficult conversations and understanding where to set boundaries when other people start to unload their drama into your life.  People who are comfortable with this aggressive, blaming, insincere style of communication generally expect people to meet them in the chaos or fold to their demands.  By consistently using healthy communication, and acknowledging how their behavior has impacted you, boundaries can be established with clear expectations regarding how emotions are discussed in your interactions.

NOTE: If you revisit this checklist the next time you see, or are involved in, a dispute, you’ll notice that the gender stereotypes regarding “drama” disappear.  The word has become associated with highly emotional women; however, men are just as likely to meet these criteria than their estrogen-rich counterparts.

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Anatomy of Peace – Book Review

anatomy of peace

Author: Arbinger Institute

Why I love it:  The mantra, “heart at peace,” is something that still runs through my head more than a decade after I first read Anatomy of Peace.  It sets a strong foundation for the development of compassion, gratitude, and mindfulness – values that have remained at the forefront of my personal and professional pursuits.

Why it’s helpful:  Anatomy of Peace stands out because of the purity and simplicity of its message.  The compelling narrative provides a clear structure for very big ideas.  The book challenges readers to maintain personal responsibility for their actions AND perceptions/assumptions.

Who can use it:  This book is for everyone.  It’s literally describing a way of being.  The messages will most directly impact those looking to change how they engage in relationships.  If you find yourself being in conflict with everyone and everything around you, this book can provide strategies for internal resolution.