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How to Forgive

Why is it so hard to forgive?  Why do so many people refuse to forgive?  Why do we try to forgive, but fail to forgive?

Often, a refusal to forgive is about which emotions we’re more comfortable with and which ones we’d rather avoid.  It can feel POWERFUL to refuse forgiveness, to hate and judge a person.  It creates a sense of control that is easily justified by righteous anger.  These feelings of control, power, anger, hate, and righteousness are intense, but many people are more comfortable with these emotions than the alternative.

To seek forgiveness requires vulnerability along with acceptance of the pain, fear, and sadness experienced since the offensive event.  It requires genuine compassion (for all parties involved).  Those are emotions that can be very uncomfortable, and people are frequently motivated to avoid them.

Forgiveness requires a willingness to feel and accept the pain and discomfort associated with whatever experience created them.  It requires a willingness to let go of the righteous anger, and it require a proactive decision and ongoing effort.  So, why would anyone do that?  Ultimately, the hate, judgment, and anger required to resist forgiveness takes its toll and does little in terms of effectively addressing the underlying pain.  When the anger fizzles out or the hate seeps into other relationships, to pain of the original situation remains.  Forgiveness, on the other hand, cultivates acceptance and compassion – which we can always use a little more of, especially in the face of adversity.

Once you’ve gotten to a place where you’re committed to forgiving, you can get down to doing the actual work.  The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley has a wealth of resources for cultivating mental and emotional well-being, and they’ve put together a step-by-guide to forgive that will lead you through the process.

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Communication: Mutual Understanding or Bust

In nearly every relationship, there comes a time when we feel desperate to be understood.  Those are also the moments when it can be the hardest to communicate.  If we shift our definition of communication slightly, we can increase our odds of being understood.

Rather than defining communication as how/what we say, let’s define effective communication as an interaction culminating in mutual understanding.  Using this definition, the “right way” to communicate becomes fluid and requires flexibility.  It also makes every interaction a team-effort.  There’s no one way to ensure understanding.  Genuine communication requires an investment in both sides of the dialogue – speaking and using nonverbal cues as well as actively listening for content and tone.  If all parties are working toward mutual understanding, they’ll be flexible with how they communicate and they’ll be participating as a listener in order to clarify meaning.

In an effort to communicate effectively, we start with three simple questions.  What emotion do I feel?  What specific experience triggered that emotion? What (if anything) do I hope changes because of this communication?

The person initiating the conversation can set the team up for success by prepping the team for the conversation.  Preparation may be as simple as, “I want to share something with you, and I’d really like you to understand where I’m coming from.”  Then, dive in using this structure to convey the answers to the three questions listed above:

I feel __________ when ____________.

In the future, I would appreciate __________________.

If feel hurt when I expect you home at 6pm and you don’t get home until 8pm.  In the future, I’d really appreciate that you let me know as soon as possible when your schedule changes, and it would mean a lot to me if you acknowledge how hard it is for me when I don’t know your schedule.

It’s important to start with “I feel” and follow it up with an emotion.  A common mistake in this form of communication is to hide attacks within this structure.  “I feel like you’re doing everything wrong” is not an appropriate use of the structure.  The first blank can be filled with an emotion word, the second blank with a specific complaint, and the third blank with detailed and realistic expectations or desires.

The person listen then reflects what they’ve heard:

I hear that you feel __________ when ___________.

Moving forward, you would like ________________________.  Do you feel heard?

I hear that you feel hurt when you expect me home at 6pm and I don’t get in until 8pm.  It would mean a lot to you if I let you know sooner when my schedule changes…and it would mean a lot if I acknowledge how hard it must be to never know exactly when I’m going to be home.  Am I hearing you?

Note the lack of defensiveness.  It’s a simple reflection.

There may be a temptation at this point to shift to old habits of unhealthy conflict.  The person communicating the complaint may feel penance hasn’t been served or the level of guilt isn’t adequate.  They may want to start piling on more complaints or escalate into criticism.  The recipient of the complaint may drift into defensiveness through excuse-making or blaming.  RESIST THE URGE.

When mutual understanding has been reached – celebrate.

Thanks for hearing me out.  I’m glad you just listened.

I really appreciate that you just listened without getting defensive.

I recognize it’s a problem, and I’m glad you brought it up.  It’s definitely something I want to work on.

I’m glad you told me how you feel about this

Initially, this structure may feel forced and clunky.  That’s okay.  It doesn’t mean it’s not working.  If the skill of effective communication were compared to hitting a baseball, this structure becomes the tee in tee-ball.  Once you’ve got that feel of it, you can start swinging at some slow pitches.  Eventually, you’ll be ready for the full-speed pitches, making adjustment mid-swing, and getting consistent contact with the ball.

For more strategies aimed at keep communication civil and productive, check these out:  How to Avoid Drama, Cycle of Collusion, and be on the look out for an upcoming blog on the Four Horsemen of the Communication Apocalypse based on the work of Dr. John Gottman.

 
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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: Part 4

In the first three installments we explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Then,  it was on to Emotional Reasoning and Should Statements.  Today we cover Personalization and False Permanence

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  • Personalization:  Not every mistake is your fault, and even if it is your fault, it doesn’t mean you’re bad, stupid, or incompetent.  Personalization begs to differ.  This distorted thinking pattern tells you that every misstep is attributable to you as a person; every mistake in your life is indicative of some shame-inducing character flaw.  It tells you that when your kids misbehave at school, it means you’re horrible parents.  When we don’t get invited to the party, it’s because we’re worthless.  When we get rained on it’s because the world hates us.  Personalization invites us to take every perceived slight, criticism, or inconvenience as an attack on our humanity.  A disagreement is an insult.  A furrowed brow is a harsh judgment of your decisions.  This distortion can also be flipped towards others and generally wreaks havoc on interpersonal relationships.  If you assign global characteristics based on isolated behaviors, you’re likely to create patterns of judgment and criticism.  If forgetting to feed the dog means your partner is an idiot, you’re relationship is in trouble.  If arriving late means your in-laws are inconsiderate and selfish, it’s going to be tough to fully enjoy Thanksgiving dinner.

Challenging Personalization: While I encourage everyone to take personal responsibility for their own decisions, challenging personalization requires a clear line to be drawn between what is and isn’t you’re responsibility.  More important than taking responsibility only for yourself, is the practice of attributing consequences accurately.  What does that mean?  It means we all need to practice explaining circumstance, situations, and other people’s choices is a way that is not destructive to our own sense of self-worth.  Attribute random events (birds pooped on your car, the bus was late, you were cut off in traffic) to the lottery of the universe.  No more.  No less.  Recognize that no one is out to get you.  The birds don’t have it out for you.  God doesn’t hate you.  It didn’t happen because you are inherently bad or deserving of misfortune.  Work to accept the fact that poop happens – even to good people.  Attribute apparent personal attacks appropriately too. When your friend, partner, child, coworker, or some stranger is having a bad day and treating you poorly, it doesn’t mean that you’re being a horrible person.  Assess our own behavior, and make necessary course corrections, but don’t assume that their bad day means that you’re inadequate.  In concrete terms, describe the situation, validate your emotional experience, resist, refute, or redirect when global labels pop up, then take decisive values-based action.

For example, if I’m not invited to the party…

Rather than beating myself up because I’m clearly a worthless friend (that’s distorted personalization) that no one wants to be around (and that’s mind-reading), I 1) describe the situation (without judgment): I wanted to go to the party and I didn’t get invited, 2) validate my experience: I feel hurt, lonely, and rejected…it’s painful, 3) take values based action:  I value my health and challenges, so I’ll take this time to jump on the treadmill.  Notice the lack of judgmental name-calling directed at myself or the host of the party.  Also, no assumptions were made about anyone’s intentions.

  • False Permanence:  One sure way to create stress, anxiety, hopelessness, and despair is indulging in the distorted concept of false permanence.  This particular pattern often appears as a combination of black-and-white thinking and catastrophizing along with a paralyzing perception of permanence.  It’s clear how this type of false permanence could lead to emotional discomfort.  “Everything is bad and it always will be!” sets you on a clear path to hopelessness and despair.  If we eliminate the possibility of change, the current circumstance can never improve; we can never grow; our efforts to initiate change will feel worthless.

Conversely, falsely assuming positive experiences and emotions will remain permanent can also lead to significant distress.  “Everything is perfect and always will be!” can set you up to fall hard when changes occur.  The lack of psychological flexibility is at the core of this distortion.  Clinging to any moment with an unwillingness to accept change will result in unnecessary suffering.

Challenging False Permanence: Accept the present moment and embrace the certainty of change.  Whether the experience is comfortable or uncomfortable, work to accept it as it is, letting go of expectations (especially judgmental expectations).  Mindfulness exercises can help build the skills necessary for nonjudgmental observations.  In conjunction with the effort to accept, embrace some version of the mantra “Nothing is forever,” “This too shall pass,” “Change is inevitable,” or “Live for the possibilities of today.”  In other words, actively remind yourself that your reality IS NOT permanent.  Throughout this process it’s important to be kind and compassionate with yourself, working to avoid other thought distortions, while encouraging yourself and seeking healthy support.

As you challenge this particular pattern, be careful to apply it to only to your mental or emotional experiences.  There are certain aspects of life that are permanent.  Certain types of loss, such as death, are permanent, and that is not a distortion.  The thoughts and feelings associated with those losses, however, are fluid and ever changing.  It can be easy to fall into the trap of connecting the real permanence of death with false permanence of the emotional experience.  This comes up with many permanent or mostly-permanent losses – death, break-ups, job loss, relocations, etc.  Even if these changes are permanent, the emotional experience never is.  It always changes.  Challenging this pattern is about recognizing, anticipating, and appreciating the ups and downs we’ll all face.

Next up, we’ll tackle Blaming and Magical Thinking, and we will have gotten through all ten of the most common distorted thinking patterns.  Part five will also include a downloadable PDF compiling all of the blog posts.

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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: 3

In the first two installments we explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Now, it’s on to Emotional Reasoning and, one of my personal favorites, Should Statements.

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  •  Emotional Reasoning: When reality becomes distorted by Emotional Reasoning, we’ve allowed emotions to be in the driver’s seat while we sit in the back, eyes closed and hoping for the best.  Our emotional experience defines the entire experience.  Some examples are personal and internal – “I felt anxious before/during/after the presentation, so it must have been horrible.”  Notice the evaluation of the situation is based entirely on the emotion rather than the actual execution of the presentation.  While emotional reasoning applied to performances can drastically reduce your ability to feel successful, when it’s applied to broader concepts it can be even more harmful.  “I feel worthless, so I must have done done something wrong or I must not be doing enough”  “I feel sad, so it’s going to be a bad day…It will be impossible to enjoy anything.” This type of reasoning can be equally destructive in interpersonal relationships.  “I feel hurt, so Johnny must have done something wrong.”  Again, you’ll notice that the evaluation has nothing to do with what’s being evaluated; it’s based solely on the emotional experience.

Challenging Emotional Reasoning:  In every example above, the disconnect between the evaluation and the target of evaluation was clear, and it’s much harder to see that distinction when you’re the one in the situation.  Therefore, to successfully change this distortion, one of the first things we want to do is increase awareness and acceptance of emotions WITHOUT EVALUATION.  The practice involves identifying and describing emotions…then stopping the narrative.  “I feel hurt..my muscles are tense; I’m hot; I’m crying.”  There is no need to judge yourself, your emotions, or anybody else when you’re hurt.  Identify it, describe it, and then decide what action you want to take (if any).  “I’m hurt.  I feel it in my whole body.  I want to exercise because when I’m hurt, taking care of myself is even more important.”  Another strategy for dealing with emotional reasoning is to preemptively define success without depending on emotions.  Setting a goal like “I’m going to be super relaxed during my presentation.” means your success is based exclusively on your emotions (which you have limited control over).  When you define success by other more behavioral factors (finishing within the time limit, maintaining eye contact, etc.), you can be anxious and successful.  Whenever you recognize your emotions leading you down a path of judgement, criticism, or any other form of distorted thinking, step away from the situation, acknowledge and accept the emotions, then proceed according to your values instead of listening exclusively to your emotions.

  • Should Statements:  Why are “should” statements my favorite?  Two main reasons.  First, we use “should” so ubiquitously that everyone has multiple opportunities to catch this pattern of distorted thinking on a daily basis.  Secondly, there are really straight forward ways of challenging these phrases.  So, what is a “should” statement.  Any time you use “should” you’re committing a small act of harm to your mental well-being.  The more powerful the “should,” the more destructive it becomes.  How can such a common word be so detrimental?  It has to do with the subtle impact our language has on our beliefs and emotions.  Every time we use the word “should” there is some amount of judgment and criticism that go along with it.  “He should be doing his homework.” means that there is something wrong with him for not doing it, and he would be doing it “right” if he were doing his homework.  “I should exercise more” carries the same subtle judgment – “I’m bad because of the amount of exercise I’m currently doing and I would be good if I exercised more”  Whether it’s directed at yourself or someone else, that judgment and criticism, overtime, can be toxic.  Another component that makes “should” harmful is the battle it consistently establishes.  It’s a battle that sets you up to lose every time you use the word.  “Should” implies that reality is not acceptable – it argues that reality is wrong.  Reality, in any given moment, can’t be altered, and our past certainly can’t be changed.  “I should have…” only serves to function as a critical (and largely unnecessary) judgment of something that cannot be changed.  (Could, would, ought, and need are close cousins to “should” and create similar harmful effects).

One last problem with “shoulding.”  It allows the user to feel righteous and therefore   avoid responsibility for being an active participant in changing.  Proclaiming how things “should” be, frequently leaves people feeling justified in their own inaction.  “She should know better.” “He shouldn’t have said that.” “They should stop.” “This shop should be open.”  The onus is placed firmly on the proverbial “other” to be responsible for change, greatly reducing the possibility of finding effective solutions.

Challenging “Should” Statements: Once it’s in your head that “should” is causing harm, you’ll start to recognize all the places you use it, directed at yourself and others.  Replacing it can be difficult, even though it’s relatively a simple process of word replacement.  In most circumstances, swapping “should” for “I want” is enough.  “I want him to do his homework” and “I want to exercise more” moves away from judgment and toward healthy identification of preferences.  Stick with the facts here.  Instead of “should,” simply describe the circumstances.  “I exercised for 20 minutes two days this week.  I want to exercise for 30 minutes on three days next week”   Stay solution oriented and future oriented.  “Shoulds” can also be an indicator that expectations or boundaries have not been assertively communicated (or consequences haven’t been effectively applied) with others or clear goals haven’t been set for yourself.

If you find yourself “shoulding” take the time to write down what you want and make a plan for how to get it.  Look at what you can do differently to help things go the way you want them to go.  When “shoulds” are applied retroactively, a slightly different approach can be used.  Rather than judging the past, focus on the future.  “Next time I will…” or “In the future I want to…” This reframes the potential solution, making it less about a harsh judgment and verbal punishment, and more about productive action.

Next we’ll cover Personalization and False Permanence.

 

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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: 2

Last time we focused on one distortion that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever.  Today we’ll explore black-and-white thinking and mind-reading.  We’re on our way to covering all ten…but tackling two at a time seems halfway reasonable.  There was a time when these distorted thinking patterns were referred to as “irrational” thoughts.  While I understand the technical absence of rationale inherent in these thought patterns, “irrational” carries some significant negative connotation.  It’s often an accusation or an insult – “Ughhh!  Stop being so irrational!” or “If you weren’t being so irrational…”  This negative connotation and these types of comments are disproportionately directed at women, but in my experience, men are just as likely to fall into these “irrational” patterns as women.  In order to start from a place from equality (less accusatory and insulting), let’s stick with referring to these extremely normal, yet unhelpful, thought patterns as “distorted.”

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanance
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  •  Black and White Thinking: This distorted lens can create false dichotomies in any and every situation.  It polarizes every effort, every person, and every experience.  This means that your workout was either AMAZING or absolute MISERABLE.  You looked PERFECT or HORRID.  You’re a great parent or an abject failure.  You’re the best or your nothing.  Your goals DOMINATED or you FAILED.  This distortion also seems to mandate the use of absolute language.  Whenever you hear “always”, “never”, or “everytime”, you’re likely dealing with black-and-white thinking.  Spending too much time thinking this way can easily lead to hopelessness – it becomes almost impossible to feel successful.

Challenging Black and White Thinking:  You may see some significant similarities with the Mental Filter problem.  These two distortions go together.  By filtering out all positive aspects of person, thing, or experience, it quickly becomes an extremely negative version of itself.  Black-and-White thinking confirms and amplifies the contrast between your hopes and your reality.  Your task is to find the gentle middle ground in-between the harsh extremes.  Acknowledge that you weren’t perfect or horrid; your workout wasn’t amazing or miserable.  Most things are someplace in between.  Allow for (and even cultivate) more complex perceptions.  Actively identify the aspects that are going well and the ones that aren’t – incorporate both sides, and avoid the absolutes.  If your mind give you a “never” or “always,” recognize it for what it is, and start to celebrate the successes that will almost certainly be found in the middle-ground.

  • Mind-Reading:  I’d like to believe that if I had the capacity to read minds, I would use it for more than confirming people’s negative perceptions of me.  Unfortunately, this distortion takes the concept of mind-reading to very dark places.  The mind-reading distortion allows us to be fully hooked into the assumptions we make about what others are thinking.  We become certain about their intentions and how they really feel.  It may be something straightforward like, “She thinks I’m stupid” or “He hates me.”  Throw in a few additional layers of social networking and mind-reading becomes extremely complicate and messy.  It can destroy relationships and lead to a sense of constant social pressure when the assumptions are self-critical.  A wave and a smile becomes a sinister ruse aimed at tricking you into foolishly desiring a friendship you don’t deserve (insert evil laugh)!!!  Or…maybe it was just a smile and a wave.

Challenging Mind-Reading:  It wouldn’t be responsible for me to tell you to just stop doing it.  I’ll try to be a bit more helpful.  A large factor in challenging this distortion is simply becoming aware of when you’re doing it and then not buying into the story.  If you’re well practiced at mind-reading (many of us are), the information that was gathered telepathically immediately becomes integrated into the mental narrative as fact.  Recognizing where the information came from can loosen the “fact” label significantly. Ask yourself, do I know this or am I assuming it? When in doubt, stick with external observations.  What did they DO?  What words did they say?  List what you observed, making sure it’s free of assumptions or judgments, then respond accordingly.  They smiled and waved, now I will smile and wave.

Alternatively many times you can just ask what someone is thinking or feeling.  You might say, “I noticed you were scowling, and I’m a little worried you’re upset about something I did.”  No need to assume.  If you insist on assuming, and creating a narrative based on those assumptions, the very least you can do, is build and interesting and helpful narrative rather than one that is destructive and critical.

 

Next we’ll cover Emotional Reasoning and, one of my personal favorites, Shoulding

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Three Vital Components to Effective Feedback

Each aspect of this could be broken down into excruciating detail, and if you want to hear that breakdown, contact me here.  This blog will provide the highlights…and feel free to leave some feedback in the comments below.

Every organization I’ve ever worked for has made some formal declaration of their openness to feedback.  It’s widely accepted that successful businesses, teams, and relationships are built on a foundation of clearly communicated feedback.  That, however, is easier said than done.  In some instances, the feedback is simply absent – there is no conversation.  In more toxic environments, feedback is actively used to criticize, judge, discouraged, deflected, or otherwise dismissed people.  Occasionally, feedback is present, but ineffective.  Whichever situation you find yourself in, if you want to increase or improve feedback, make sure it includes the following three components:

  1. Observation:  A simple observation is a great place to start with feedback.  This can be an observation of external circumstance or of internal experiences. For example, you may let a coworker know, “I saw that all your TPS reports were turned in on time this month.”  That alone acknowledges that their performance was important enough to pay attention.  It’s clear, concise, and gets right to the point.  In some instances, the observation may be less concrete.  When reviewing a piece of writing, you may reflect, “At the start of the second paragraph, I was a bit confused.”  This is an observation about an internal experience.  Notice that neither of these observations are not subjective.  Be careful to avoid blaming or criticism in these situations.  The previous example could easily become, “At the start of the second paragraph you started writing without a clear direction…you stopped paying attention to where the essay was going”  You can observe your response to the writing, but implying intention (or lack thereof) is an invitation for defensiveness.
  2. Evaluation: This is where you get to say, “Hey, great job this month.”  or “That was horrible.”  Positive evaluation without specific observation becomes quite limiting.  Evaluative statements leave too many questions unanswered and too much room for assumptions.  It’s nice to hear “great job,” but without knowing what concrete detail of your job is great, you haven’t learned anything about what you’re doing well.  Reverse the important bits and you’ll see it’s the same for critical evaluations.  Knowing I got a 65% on an exam doesn’t tell me anything about what I did poorly or what I did well.
  3. Advice: Presuming someone actually wants feedback, they’ll want to know how to improve (or at least maintain) what they’ve already accomplished.  They want advice on what do differently (or the same) moving forward.  You can provide guidance on what needs to change.  Ideally, advice is based on a goal agreed upon by the person providing and receiving the feedback.  Giving advice on how to write a more persuasive essay will be of little value to someone aiming to create an objective, informative piece of literature.

There are two more equally important aspects to feedback, but they only matter if the three components listed above are already being applied.  First of all, effective feedback requires a balance between observation, evaluation, and advice. To actually help a person make changes efficiently, all aspects of feedback will be required. If you constantly tell people, “you are awesome,” take the time to throw in some observations and advice.  If you’re constantly correcting others or telling them what to do, slow down and start making some observations and evaluations.  If you’re missing a piece, or you notice a dramatic imbalance, correct accordingly.  No single aspect of this system works alone, and no ratio is right for every individual or every situation.  Apply observation, evaluation, and advice flexibly to whatever situation you’re in.  The last component, and perhaps the most important to overall effectiveness, is consistency.  A single conversation will never be as effective as an ongoing discussion.  You won’t be able to gauge how feedback is being received in an isolated situation; even if they seem to receive the feedback, the true test comes in changes to the behaviors being observed.  In a one-time discussion, patterns will go unrecognized, goals will be unclear, and proper ratios of observation, evaluation, and advice will be guessed at.  Without consistency, constructive feedback can feel critical and judgmental.  Without practice giving and receiving feedback is an awkward dance of two novices attempting new maneuvers.  Occasional feedback can leave people pained the same way infrequent exercise leads to disproportionate soreness.

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All the Best Movies are Love Stories

I’m a big fan of movies.  I like watching them, reading about them, talking about them, and analyzing them.  As much as possible, I revel in the movie watching experience.  At home it’s about popping popcorn, turning down the lights, and getting comfortable.  If I’m fortunate enough to get out of the house and go to the theater, the complete experience includes popcorn(no “butter”), Hot Tamales, and an ice cold drink.  I get to the theater early so I can pick the seat I want, and I wait with anticipation for the first trailers to flash onto the big screen.

I’m thoroughly and completely engrossed in all things cinema, and that’s why I love to ask people about the movies that mean the most to them.  I’ve gone beyond the “favorite movie” question.  It’s not a fair question.  There are too many considerations for anyone to genuinely identify a single favorite movie.  I’ve taken to asking a variation of the question that gets more directly to the things I want to know about.

“If you were stuck on a desert island and could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?”

This question requires a level of commitment to a movie.  It calls for identification of the most compelling aspects of a film.  It eliminates the movies that are good the first time, then lose steam.  It dismisses movies that are perfect for particular moments or situations, but can’t be counted on under unknown circumstances.  To pick a movie you can be entertained by for the rest of your life goes beyond favorites and gets to genuine connection.

For more than a decade, my own answer to this question has been the same.  I passionately answer, “The Princess Bride.”

The movie strikes the perfect notes, delivering anything and everything I might need in the movie-watching experience.  Romance?  Got it.  Adventure?  Got it.  Revenge? Got it.  Mystery?  Got it.  Friendship?  Got it.  Courage, mortality, humor, conviction, sacrifice, magic, mercy, compassion, swords, morality, underdogs, sarcasm, surprise, villians, heroes, giants, and a battle of wits?  Got it.  It’s a movie that I can quote, and often do.  It’s a movie I’ve watched with my parents, my wife, my kids, and many of my best friends over the years.  There are moments of distress, suspense, fear, sadness, and pain, but it never dwells there.  The idea that love and hope can overcome hate, greed, and deceit flows through the entire story.

Not everyone would pick “The Princess Bride” as their desert island movie, but I’ll firmly claim that any movie they choose will be built on the foundations of love and hope.  In fact, all the best movies are love stories.  Neo only understands The Matrix after Trinity confesses her love for him.  William Wallace would have been a humble farmer had the love of his life been spared.  If Anakin doesn’t love his son, maybe the force never awakens.  Andy loves Woody and Woody loves Andy.  Steve Rogers loves his friends and his country.  Maximus Decimus Meridius, driven by the love of his family, brought down an emperor.  Jon McClane couldn’t let anything happen to his wife and ended up thwarting several major terrorist attacks.  Django’s love never faded despite time and distance.  Clarence would have faced any danger for Alabama.  Love story after love story.  Not all of them are romances, but they’re definitely love stories.

I’ve never watched enjoyed a movie that didn’t root itself in some type of love.  Some are more covert than others, but I promise you – your favorite movie is a love story.  If you’re convinced, you may be asking why?  Well, it’s really quite obvious.  The human experience is given meaning through relationships, and the connections we build allow us to flourish in life.  There is no better motivator, nothing more fulfilling, no emotion stronger than love, the unwavering commitment to a relationship.  When films allow us to witness that, and to relive it, or imagine ourselves driven by the same connections, we can’t help feeling enthralled.

So…what movie would you watch if you were stranded on a desert island? Why.

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Self-Sabotage and the Cycle of Collusion

Collusion implies that some form of secret collaboration has occurred in an effort to deceive others.  This sounds like the stuff of political espionage and spy movies, so it may surprise you to learn that you’ve been colluding with others on a daily basis, unintentionally sabotaging relationships while justifying your own righteous perceptions and behaviors.  An explanation is required.  I’ve previously recommended The Anatomy of Peace, and the cycle of collusion comes directly from that text.  On the most basic level, the cycle of collusion demonstrates how our own distorted perceptions and judgments about other people lead to interpersonal behaviors that act as a catalyst, promoting unwanted behaviors and confirming our negative perceptions.

Cycle of Collusion

The perceptions that feed our behaviors also provide fuel for the perceptions and behaviors of others.  A feedback loop resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy is created.  If I believe you to be a certain way, I will treat you accordingly, and increase the likelihood of you responding in a confirmatory fashion.  If this makes sense theoretically, the implications become even more powerful when looking at specific examples.  Parents, partners, and coworkers all find themselves colluding as everyone exhausts themselves in an effort to justify their own behaviors as well as their perceptions of each other.

Here we see a common cycle for the parents of an adolescent.

Cycle of Collusion Parenting Example

Now let’s look at how partners set themselves up to fail.

Cycle of Collusion Partner Example

And one more example – the workplace.

Cycle of Collusion Business Example

With each of these examples, we clearly see how the initial perceptions feed into the eventual behaviors that serve as evidence for the perceptions.  Grrr….the frustration is mounting.  How do we make it stop?  Well, the kid could start doing his homework, the husband could stay in a bit more, and Tom could show a little more effort…but, that wouldn’t really solve anything.  The real issue, and the place to focus energy, is the perceptions and behaviors associated with the “I see” and “I do” boxes.

It is too easy to holds other responsible for changing interpersonal dynamics, too easy to avoid personal accountability in these situations.  So, you have to be intentional about focusing on the “I.”  Shift perceptions of the adolescent from “irresponsible” to something more benign like “normal teenager,” “distracted,” or “in need of a break” and any interaction is likely to be more supportive.  If the wife recognizes value in the husband’s desire to build and maintain his social life, it will be easier to encourage him to do so (genuinely), and paradoxically, he may be more motivated to stay home with his wife.  That employee that isn’t delivering, may be waiting for his manager to show some compassion and investment before he’s willing to give his best.

Important note – these more positive perceptions do not let anyone off the hook in terms of legitimate feedback.  That “normal teenager” may need some additional support in terms of academic tutoring, organizational skill development, or external motivation.  We can increase the odds of that happening if we’re perceiving him in a positive light rather than as “irresponsible.”  The husband and wife may need to sit down and have a conversation about shared responsibilities and time with friends, but it doesn’t need to include labels like “inconsiderate” or “clingy.”  Tom may be under-performing, but assuming he is “lazy” or “incompetent” sets him up to be defensive and resistant in any conversations about his quality of work.

Exploring this process in it’s entirety can often shed light on long-standing conflict, hopefully elucidating changes necessary to break out of the cycle.  To apply this theory to your day-to-day life, follow these simple action steps.

  1. Assume positive intent: Eliminate labels and replace negative perceptions with neutral or positive perceptions (even if especially if it’s hard).
  2. Help things go right: Criticizing, ruminating, and disengaging aren’t helping anyone move in a positive direction.  Actively and intentionally look for ways to provide positive support.  This may require a direct conversation or a trial-and-error approach.
  3. Take responsibility: When things don’t go how you planned, look at what you want to do differently next time.  Identify whether your perceptions and behaviors were helping or hurting the dynamic.
  4. Stop expecting others to change: Accept your limitations.  You have limited influence on how other people behave.  Make sure you’re making it as easy as possible for them to move in a positive direction, communicate your expectations and your willingness to help, and then allow life to happen.  You won’t always get the intended results, but you won’t be sabotaging yourself.
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Yeah, that’s drama.

“Stop being so dramatic!!”

“Uh, I’m sick of all this drama.”

“Why do you ALWAYS have to be so dramatic?”

Whenever emotions run hot and tempers flare it’s easy to throw around the word “drama” as an accusation.  That can be problematic when the word is used used to dismiss someone and their feelings.  Calling someone “dramatic” is a way for people to excuse themselves from dealing with the emotional turmoil of others.  It provides (sometimes) false justification to ignore sincere attempts at communicating.

Then again, when someone is truly being dramatic,  it’s destructive, demands attention, and brings down everyone involved.

So, how can we tell genuine intense emotion from unhealthy DRAMA?

The differences are quite clear when you slow down and take at look. David Richo outlines a few distinguishing factors in his book How To Be an Adult.  (I love the title, but I don’t fully agree with all of Dr. Richo’s insights. I do find his review of drama extremely helpful.)

Think back to your last heated conversation and use the lists below to self-assess your communication style.

Dramatic Communication…

  • Is meant to silence the other
  • Blames the other of what you feel
  • Masks fears related to your own lack of control
  • Makes direct or indirect demands on the other to change
  • Is violent, aggressive, derisive, and/or punitive
  • Represses true feelings and motives
  • Insists that others acknowledge how justified you were
  • Creates distance between those involved

Healthy Communication (even when angry)…

  • Is meant to communicate and share information
  • Acknowledges sadness and disappointment
  • Takes ownership of, and responsibility for, your own emotions
  • Asks for, but does not demand change
  • Is nonviolent and well-controlled
  • Coexists with other feelings (in both people)
  • Needs no response
  • Moves toward trust and mutual understanding

This is a great structure for evaluating your own approach to difficult conversations and understanding where to set boundaries when other people start to unload their drama into your life.  People who are comfortable with this aggressive, blaming, insincere style of communication generally expect people to meet them in the chaos or fold to their demands.  By consistently using healthy communication, and acknowledging how their behavior has impacted you, boundaries can be established with clear expectations regarding how emotions are discussed in your interactions.

NOTE: If you revisit this checklist the next time you see, or are involved in, a dispute, you’ll notice that the gender stereotypes regarding “drama” disappear.  The word has become associated with highly emotional women; however, men are just as likely to meet these criteria than their estrogen-rich counterparts.

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Empathy vs. Sympathy according to Brene Brown

I’m a fan of Brene Brown.  Her TED talks are thought provoking.  She seems to live consistently with the content she’s sharing, and she’s able to deliver big ideas in very palatable ways.  In the video below, she discusses the difference between sympathy and empathy, highlighting the connecting power of empathy and the disconnect common with sympathy.

The two concepts appear to be closely associated; however sympathy, too often, is limited to feeling pity that exacerbate differences between people.  Pity involves magnifying the differences between us, but often ignoring the similarities.  This drives separation rather than connection.  Empathy opens the relationship to a shared experience and a more sincere understanding.

You may say the words are synonyms and the differences are merely semantic; however, I invite you to work towards being empathic in your next encounter and take note of how the interaction goes for you and for them.  It may surprise you how the dynamic changes when you actively work to connect and be with someone…especially when they’re experiencing uncomfortable emotions.  Challenge yourself to resist placing expectations on them to feel better.  Resist putting a silver-lining on their pain.  Be close, and do nothing.  Be with them in their grief, anxiety, anger, sadness, or despair.  Just be with them.