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Still Working to Find the Awesome

As a clinician, I’ve found that I have somewhat limited opportunities to create a tangible product.  I listen.  I talk.  I share recommendations and point people in the healthiest direction I can.  Occasionally, I am able to provide resources that I have created, and that lends some consistency to the work that I do with clients and it helps me feel as though I’m producing something.  I enjoy recreating handouts and relaxation exercises.  But if I’m being honest, regardless of the clinical content, I just like creating things that I can share with others.

I wouldn’t describe most of my recreational activities as ‘creative.’  I watch movies, hang out with friends, and get to the gym when I make time for it.  Over the years, however, I’ve recognized how important it is for me to have a product to show for my efforts.  Rather than picking up a paintbrush or a cookbook, I’ve found myself drawn to the digital arts.  The most recent iteration of that is a podcast where my co-host and I discuss the victories and struggles related to growing and getting stronger in our physical, mental, and emotional health.

In our most recent podcast, I was able to share some of my personal story.  I had a blast recounting the development of the ‘You Are Awesome‘ movement and how it’s changed my life.  It reminded me that I’ve grown and evolved.  The movement has grown and evolved.  And, it’s another example of how I’ve been drawn toward tangible outcomes (cards, t-shirts, stickers, magnets) despite the heady, intellectual, often-abstract field of psychology that I’ve made my profession.

If you care to listen to my latest creation, you can find it here or track it down through your podcasting subscription service of choice (iTunes, GoogleMusic, Spotify, Stitcher, etc.)

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Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

I revisited the book Mindset by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D.  I dove in, took notes, and highlighted the big ideas and inspiring quotes.   While I won’t rehash the entire book here, I’ll share some of the key concepts.

Dr. Dweck’s book is built on an exploration of fundamental differences in mindset – fixed mindset vs. growth mindset.  In the fixed mindset people view skills and abilities as static, as in unchanging.  It’s easy to come up with examples of the fixed mindset if you complete the sentence “I’m just not good at ________.”  People fall into the fixed mindset with all sorts of things.  As I read the book, I couldn’t help but hear echos of my self-assessments.  “I’m just not musical.” “I just don’t have good hand-eye coordination.” “I just don’t have an eye for design.”  I could go on, but I’ll spare you more examples of my self-proclaimed shortcomings.  Fixed mindset can also apply to talents when we complete sentences like “I’ve just always been good at __________.”

Either way, the fixed mindset sets us up for failure on a grander scale than any particular skill or ability.  By clinging to a fixed mindset, I effectively eliminate my willingness and ability to improve myself in any way.  Every shortcoming becomes a lifetime sentence of mediocrity.  Anytime I try something new and I’m not good at it, my fixed mindset tells me I have a fundamental deficiency in that area….and I can’t really do anything about it.  Ouch!

The fixed mindset, as you might imagine, leads to avoiding anything that challenges self-perceived strengths.  For example, If my fixed mind tells me I’m good at writing, I’m only going to write in situations where I’m virtually guaranteed to be affirmed and validated.  If critical feedback comes my way, it may pop my ‘good writer’ bubble, and if I’m not inherently good, I’ll never be good.   When the fixed mind is forced to face critical feedback, it justifies and blames in order to protect the perception of ‘natural’ ability.  This avoidance of challenges and useful feedback actually creates stagnation and strengthens the notion of static abilities.

Growth mindset, as you might imagine, focuses on our incredible capacity to learn new things and develop new skills.  Individuals embracing a growth mindset seek out opportunities to learn from feedback – they don’t fear failure because they believe any lack of success is temporary and dependent solely on commitment and effort.

Want to see where you apply your own growth mindset?  Complete the sentence, “After a lot of hard work, I learned how to __________.”  Any time you’re willing to start with the basics and build from there.  Growth mindset generally requires patience, openness to feedback, a willingness to be ‘unsuccessful’, and the ability to enjoy the process of improving.  When you can feel pride based on individual growth rather than comparative success or narrowly defined outcomes, you’re in the growth mindset.

The growth mindset allows us to pursue literally anything and everything regardless of our current skill level.  It opens the door to any and every experience.  It ignores any of the standard excuses, turning “I’m too old” into “It’s never too late.”  “I’ve never been good at that.” becomes “It’s going to be so fun to learn how to do this.”  The best part about all of this is the fact that growth is virtually guaranteed if you can sustain this mindset throughout the process.

Because so much of our mindset is based exclusively on the internal dialogue between our ears, it’s tough to create a concrete plan for shifting from fixed to growth.  That won’t stop us from trying though.  The first step is committing to cultivating the growth mindset, intentionally replacing unhelpful thoughts with thoughts of growth.  Use the examples below, and feel free to come up with your own.

Every failure is an opportunity to learn.

Feedback only helps me learn and grow.

Everything I’ve ever done has required effort to get better.

I can get better at anything I work at.

If I’m willing to looking at my ability honestly, and celebrate small successes, I can have fun regardless of outcomes.

The how matters more than the what.

 

Take a new challenge, practice the growth mindset, and let us know how it goes.

If you’d like to hear more of Dr. Poinsett’s thoughts on Mindset, you can listen to his discussion of the book on The Victory and The Struggle Podcast.

 

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Surprising Benefits of Frustration Tolerance

When clients report feeling frustrated, my typical response is to challenge them to dig a little deeper.  Frustration is such a mild, generic emotion…but, it can be a great starting point for bigger and better things.

Do you feel powerless to change?

Do you feel scared of failing?

Do you feel annoyed with your lack of control?

At low levels, all of those emotions could easily be described as ‘frustration,’ and it’s vitally important to able to tolerate (even embrace, if I’m being optimistic) this emotion.  Without the capacity to tolerate frustration the seeds of powerlessness grow into atrophy, stagnation, and blame.  Fear becomes avoidance, and annoyance becomes apathy and detachment.  Frustration is a signal of mental or emotional resistance.  In the strictly physical realm, weightlifters feel resistance when the barbell starts getting heavy.  In either case, avoiding resistance can easily become a pervasive limitation.

This lesson is rarely more clear than during therapeutic experiential exercises.  While working in an adventure-based therapy program, one such experiential exercise challenged clients to make fire using a bow-drill.  The idea of creating friction between two pieces of wood in an effort to produce enough heat to ignite a fire is not a new idea.  Human-kind has been using some version of this strategy for thousands of years.  Literal cavemen were able to master the skill.  It is not a matter of intelligence, technology, or resources (beyond the very basics).  Having said that, it’s extremely difficult.

As you might have guessed, success requires more primal skills.  It requires a willingness to feel powerless, to be scared of failing, and to be annoyed.  It requires a certain comfort with frustration, or at least, the ability to persist despite the discomfort.  Learning any new skill can be a challenge, and the bow-drill fire is one of thousands of tasks that require frustration tolerance in order to master.  There is something unique, something in our collective consciousness, about taking on the challenge of creating fire with your bare hands.  It requires knowledge, strength, endurance.  It takes practice and patience.  It demands thoughtful preparation as well as in-the-moment intensity.  When you get it right…you harness one of the most important components of early human survival.  FIRE!

I’ve seen hundreds of people “bust a fire” for the first time.  Regardless (and often because of) of the literal  blood, sweat, and tears required to reach the goal, their eyes light up as if they’ve surprised themselves with a genuine magic trick.  When they find success, it’s obvious, it’s tangible, and it’s primal.

Most of the time we face frustration, any potential ‘win’ is less magical that creating fire.  Most of the time we endure frustration it’s for more mundane results – We maintain a cordial friendship.  We have an opportunity to practice compassion.  We save a few bucks. We gain some new knowledge. We learn some semi-functional skill.

As minor as the benefits may seem, frustration is almost always an indicator that we have a chance to learn and grow, to get stronger, or gain wisdom.  So next time you recognize yourself getting frustrated, ask yourself how you can create something powerful from that momentary discomfort.