When clients report feeling frustrated, my typical response is to challenge them to dig a little deeper. Frustration is such a mild, generic emotion…but, it can be a great starting point for bigger and better things.
Do you feel powerless to change?
Do you feel scared of failing?
Do you feel annoyed with your lack of control?
At low levels, all of those emotions could easily be described as ‘frustration,’ and it’s vitally important to able to tolerate (even embrace, if I’m being optimistic) this emotion. Without the capacity to tolerate frustration the seeds of powerlessness grow into atrophy, stagnation, and blame. Fear becomes avoidance, and annoyance becomes apathy and detachment. Frustration is a signal of mental or emotional resistance. In the strictly physical realm, weightlifters feel resistance when the barbell starts getting heavy. In either case, avoiding resistance can easily become a pervasive limitation.
This lesson is rarely more clear than during therapeutic experiential exercises. While working in an adventure-based therapy program, one such experiential exercise challenged clients to make fire using a bow-drill. The idea of creating friction between two pieces of wood in an effort to produce enough heat to ignite a fire is not a new idea. Human-kind has been using some version of this strategy for thousands of years. Literal cavemen were able to master the skill. It is not a matter of intelligence, technology, or resources (beyond the very basics). Having said that, it’s extremely difficult.
As you might have guessed, success requires more primal skills. It requires a willingness to feel powerless, to be scared of failing, and to be annoyed. It requires a certain comfort with frustration, or at least, the ability to persist despite the discomfort. Learning any new skill can be a challenge, and the bow-drill fire is one of thousands of tasks that require frustration tolerance in order to master. There is something unique, something in our collective consciousness, about taking on the challenge of creating fire with your bare hands. It requires knowledge, strength, endurance. It takes practice and patience. It demands thoughtful preparation as well as in-the-moment intensity. When you get it right…you harness one of the most important components of early human survival. FIRE!
I’ve seen hundreds of people “bust a fire” for the first time. Regardless (and often because of) of the literal blood, sweat, and tears required to reach the goal, their eyes light up as if they’ve surprised themselves with a genuine magic trick. When they find success, it’s obvious, it’s tangible, and it’s primal.
Most of the time we face frustration, any potential ‘win’ is less magical that creating fire. Most of the time we endure frustration it’s for more mundane results – We maintain a cordial friendship. We have an opportunity to practice compassion. We save a few bucks. We gain some new knowledge. We learn some semi-functional skill.
As minor as the benefits may seem, frustration is almost always an indicator that we have a chance to learn and grow, to get stronger, or gain wisdom. So next time you recognize yourself getting frustrated, ask yourself how you can create something powerful from that momentary discomfort.
Thanks, Matt! This was a very timely piece!