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Dealing with Test Anxiety

When preparing for a test, a major component of being ready is about managing our stress effectively.  That means making sure our body and mind are setting us up for success. By practicing these guidelines, testing can be much less painful.

1.  Relax your body
Find a mindfulness or relaxation app (https://www.headspace.com/, https://www.calm.com/, https://breathball.com/) that helps you de-escalate from common symptoms of test anxiety (increased heart rate, dysregulated breathing, stomach aches, etc.).  Once you’ve got the app, practice the skill of de-escalation.  If you’re in a situation where you can’t use an app, simply focus on slow controlled breathing.  Inhale through the nose for 5 seconds then exhale gently through the mouth for 5 seconds (repeat as necessary).  Practice a minute or two of relaxation before during and after study sessions, and do the same thing for testing.

2. Manage your thoughts
When we experience stress or anxiety, our minds can become more rigid and it’s easier to believe distorted thoughts that are typically extremely unhealthy (i.e. “I’m gonna fail” “My life is over if I don’t ace this test” “What if I’m the only one that does badly on this test?”  “I should have studied another 10 hours.”)  Each of these examples will only intensify the emotional experience, leading to more suffering and probably worse performance.  You can learn more about distorted thinking patterns and how to challenge them from the series of blogs starting here.

3. Align Your Behavior to How You Want to Think and Feel
Our behavior influences our thoughts and physiology, so sometimes we need to make sure our behavior isn’t becoming an obstacle on our path to a happy successful life.  Engaging in nervous habits, distractions, avoidance, or procrastination tends to exacerbate the stress in the long term even if there is some mental and emotional relief in the short term. For example, Netflix and Youtube are designed to be highly effective distractors, yet when used to excess, time for things like studying and sleep can quickly be lost.  Read more about how to avoid distraction and procrastination here: http://infinitenorth.com/avoidance-the-burden-of-dodging-burdens/

4. Willingness and Acceptance
Be willing to feel a little anxious and stressed about your test.  School can be difficult and exams are intended to be a challenge in order to assess your understanding.  Just because you’re worried, doesn’t mean you’re not prepared.  If you constantly fight to not be anxious, or you consistently distract yourself from the discomfort of anxiety, you’ll end up enduring more suffering than you need to. You can find more information and a guided acceptance exercise here: http://infinitenorth.com/tricky-business-of-sincere-acceptance/

Through it all, be kind and patient with yourself.

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Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

I revisited the book Mindset by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D.  I dove in, took notes, and highlighted the big ideas and inspiring quotes.   While I won’t rehash the entire book here, I’ll share some of the key concepts.

Dr. Dweck’s book is built on an exploration of fundamental differences in mindset – fixed mindset vs. growth mindset.  In the fixed mindset people view skills and abilities as static, as in unchanging.  It’s easy to come up with examples of the fixed mindset if you complete the sentence “I’m just not good at ________.”  People fall into the fixed mindset with all sorts of things.  As I read the book, I couldn’t help but hear echos of my self-assessments.  “I’m just not musical.” “I just don’t have good hand-eye coordination.” “I just don’t have an eye for design.”  I could go on, but I’ll spare you more examples of my self-proclaimed shortcomings.  Fixed mindset can also apply to talents when we complete sentences like “I’ve just always been good at __________.”

Either way, the fixed mindset sets us up for failure on a grander scale than any particular skill or ability.  By clinging to a fixed mindset, I effectively eliminate my willingness and ability to improve myself in any way.  Every shortcoming becomes a lifetime sentence of mediocrity.  Anytime I try something new and I’m not good at it, my fixed mindset tells me I have a fundamental deficiency in that area….and I can’t really do anything about it.  Ouch!

The fixed mindset, as you might imagine, leads to avoiding anything that challenges self-perceived strengths.  For example, If my fixed mind tells me I’m good at writing, I’m only going to write in situations where I’m virtually guaranteed to be affirmed and validated.  If critical feedback comes my way, it may pop my ‘good writer’ bubble, and if I’m not inherently good, I’ll never be good.   When the fixed mind is forced to face critical feedback, it justifies and blames in order to protect the perception of ‘natural’ ability.  This avoidance of challenges and useful feedback actually creates stagnation and strengthens the notion of static abilities.

Growth mindset, as you might imagine, focuses on our incredible capacity to learn new things and develop new skills.  Individuals embracing a growth mindset seek out opportunities to learn from feedback – they don’t fear failure because they believe any lack of success is temporary and dependent solely on commitment and effort.

Want to see where you apply your own growth mindset?  Complete the sentence, “After a lot of hard work, I learned how to __________.”  Any time you’re willing to start with the basics and build from there.  Growth mindset generally requires patience, openness to feedback, a willingness to be ‘unsuccessful’, and the ability to enjoy the process of improving.  When you can feel pride based on individual growth rather than comparative success or narrowly defined outcomes, you’re in the growth mindset.

The growth mindset allows us to pursue literally anything and everything regardless of our current skill level.  It opens the door to any and every experience.  It ignores any of the standard excuses, turning “I’m too old” into “It’s never too late.”  “I’ve never been good at that.” becomes “It’s going to be so fun to learn how to do this.”  The best part about all of this is the fact that growth is virtually guaranteed if you can sustain this mindset throughout the process.

Because so much of our mindset is based exclusively on the internal dialogue between our ears, it’s tough to create a concrete plan for shifting from fixed to growth.  That won’t stop us from trying though.  The first step is committing to cultivating the growth mindset, intentionally replacing unhelpful thoughts with thoughts of growth.  Use the examples below, and feel free to come up with your own.

Every failure is an opportunity to learn.

Feedback only helps me learn and grow.

Everything I’ve ever done has required effort to get better.

I can get better at anything I work at.

If I’m willing to looking at my ability honestly, and celebrate small successes, I can have fun regardless of outcomes.

The how matters more than the what.

 

Take a new challenge, practice the growth mindset, and let us know how it goes.

If you’d like to hear more of Dr. Poinsett’s thoughts on Mindset, you can listen to his discussion of the book on The Victory and The Struggle Podcast.

 

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Surprising Benefits of Frustration Tolerance

When clients report feeling frustrated, my typical response is to challenge them to dig a little deeper.  Frustration is such a mild, generic emotion…but, it can be a great starting point for bigger and better things.

Do you feel powerless to change?

Do you feel scared of failing?

Do you feel annoyed with your lack of control?

At low levels, all of those emotions could easily be described as ‘frustration,’ and it’s vitally important to able to tolerate (even embrace, if I’m being optimistic) this emotion.  Without the capacity to tolerate frustration the seeds of powerlessness grow into atrophy, stagnation, and blame.  Fear becomes avoidance, and annoyance becomes apathy and detachment.  Frustration is a signal of mental or emotional resistance.  In the strictly physical realm, weightlifters feel resistance when the barbell starts getting heavy.  In either case, avoiding resistance can easily become a pervasive limitation.

This lesson is rarely more clear than during therapeutic experiential exercises.  While working in an adventure-based therapy program, one such experiential exercise challenged clients to make fire using a bow-drill.  The idea of creating friction between two pieces of wood in an effort to produce enough heat to ignite a fire is not a new idea.  Human-kind has been using some version of this strategy for thousands of years.  Literal cavemen were able to master the skill.  It is not a matter of intelligence, technology, or resources (beyond the very basics).  Having said that, it’s extremely difficult.

As you might have guessed, success requires more primal skills.  It requires a willingness to feel powerless, to be scared of failing, and to be annoyed.  It requires a certain comfort with frustration, or at least, the ability to persist despite the discomfort.  Learning any new skill can be a challenge, and the bow-drill fire is one of thousands of tasks that require frustration tolerance in order to master.  There is something unique, something in our collective consciousness, about taking on the challenge of creating fire with your bare hands.  It requires knowledge, strength, endurance.  It takes practice and patience.  It demands thoughtful preparation as well as in-the-moment intensity.  When you get it right…you harness one of the most important components of early human survival.  FIRE!

I’ve seen hundreds of people “bust a fire” for the first time.  Regardless (and often because of) of the literal  blood, sweat, and tears required to reach the goal, their eyes light up as if they’ve surprised themselves with a genuine magic trick.  When they find success, it’s obvious, it’s tangible, and it’s primal.

Most of the time we face frustration, any potential ‘win’ is less magical that creating fire.  Most of the time we endure frustration it’s for more mundane results – We maintain a cordial friendship.  We have an opportunity to practice compassion.  We save a few bucks. We gain some new knowledge. We learn some semi-functional skill.

As minor as the benefits may seem, frustration is almost always an indicator that we have a chance to learn and grow, to get stronger, or gain wisdom.  So next time you recognize yourself getting frustrated, ask yourself how you can create something powerful from that momentary discomfort.

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Quick Check: Values Based Action

It’s been a while since the last blog post, and I’m planning on tightening up the time between submissions.  More wisdom is on it’s way.

Everyday provides endless opportunities to live the life we want to live, but we’ve got to paying attention, and be prepared to take advantage when an opportunity presents itself.  With that in mind, I want to provide a decision making strategy that can be applied anywhere and anytime.  When you’re making decisions mindfully (and hopefully most of the time you are), it requires intentional questions and answers in each moment.

  • Where will I choose to focus my attention?
  • What will I say in response to that greeting?
  • What tooth will I brush next?
  • What am I tasting right now?

With all those questions and choices, how can we know which path to follow?  It’s easy to fall into a pattern of looking for the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ path, but that’s an oversimplification and introduces unnecessary judgment.  Instead you can ask, “How will this choice help me move toward my values?” or “What behavior would I be engaging in if I were behaving in alignment with my values?”

Through the course of any day, the more closely we can align our choices and behaviors to our values, the better off we’re going to be.  It minimizes guilt, regret, shame, self-criticism, and judgment.  It maximizes healthy pride, self-efficacy, contentment, and personal growth.  It allows us to live our life based on the things that are most important to us.  If you’re not sure how to define your values, you can take an initial step by downloading and printing this  values clarification worksheet.  Rate all the values on the worksheet as either very important, somewhat important, or not important.  Once you’ve identified all the values that are very important to you, narrow those down to your top ten.

By using your top ten values to make decisions, you’re sure to find yourself on a more fulfilling path in life.

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Lessons from Shel #428: Avoiding Fear Cripples Us

Fear

Barnabus Browning
Was scared of drowning,
So he never would swim
Or get into  a boat
Or take a bath
Or cross a moat.
He just sat day and night
With his door locked tight
And the windows nailed down,
Shaking with fear
That a wave might appear,
And cried so many tears
That they filled up the room
And he drowned.

By: Shel Silverstein, from A Light in the Attic

 

Our efforts to protect ourselves and those we care about from fear are often more destructive than the feared situation.  Barnabus Browning did everything he could to avoid drowning.  In doing so, he eliminated his own access to 71% of the Earth’s surface.  Even if he didn’t cry “so many tears that they filled up the room and he drowned,” Barnabus restricted himself to his home – No pleasure cruises.  No surfing. No island retreats. No beautiful ocean sunsets, No lazy Sundays fishing off a dock.  No triathalon finishes.  It’s not actually the fear that stops Barnabus from engaging in these activities, it’s his avoidance of the fear.  If he were willing to be scared, willing to lean into it and learn from it, he could do all of it.

Only through changing our relationship with fear can we teach ourselves that it’s a manageable emotion rather than something that has to be avoided.  Every time we tell ourselves, “I’ll do it once I get over my fear,” we’re indulging in unnecessary avoidance that perpetuates the the idea that we can’t (or shouldn’t) be afraid.  It’s fine to be scared and do it anyway, whatever “it” happens to be.  Allowing fear to dictate decisions only fuels fear and restricts our experiences.

 

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Set Goals That Work for You

Setting helpful goals is an art.  Too often, goals are set, and they only result in feelings of disappointment, failure, and embarrassment.  If you’re goals are setting you up to feel that way, it’s time to change how you create goals.

Healthy goals will engender feelings of accomplishment, pride, excitement, and success.  Pursuing helpful goals will enrich your life by filling it with values-based action.  If your goals don’t lead to these results, REWRITE your goals until they do.

Set goals that help you feel successful.  Be flexible and start as small as you need to.  Always be willing to scale back until you find the right level of challenge and success.  A goal that’s too easy won’t push you enough, but a goal that’s too difficulty will only lead to disappointment and eventually, disengagement.

And whether it goes well or goes poorly, treat yourself like a great coach, not an overbearing critic.

When you sit down to write your goals, make sure some (maybe most) of them fit the SMART goal criteria.  Create goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound.  Doing this will make it easier to recognize and celebrate your achievements, leading to bigger goals and more meaningful accomplishments.

Specific

The first term stresses the need for a specific goal rather than general goal. This means the goal is clear and unambiguous; without vagaries and platitudes. To make goals specific, they must tell a team exactly what is expected, why is it important, who’s involved, and where is it going to happen.

A specific goal will usually answer these “W” questions:

  • What: What do I want to accomplish?
  • Why: Specific reasons, purpose or benefits of accomplishing the goal.
  • Who: Who is involved?
  • Where: Identify a location.

Vague Goal = I’m going get in shape

Specific Goal = To prepare for long distance hikes this summer, I’m going to run two miles on the high school track, on Mondays and Wednesdays after work with my friend Andrew.

Measurable

The second term stresses the need for concrete criteria for measuring progress toward the attainment of the goal. The thought behind this is that if a goal is not measurable, it is not possible to know whether you are making progress toward successful completion. Measuring progress acts as a catalyst for success, the exhilaration of achievement that spurs on continued effort toward reaching the ultimate goal.

A measurable goal will usually answer questions such as:

  • How much?
  • How many?
  • How will I know when it is accomplished?

Attainable

The third term stresses the importance of goals that are realistic and attainable. While an attainable goal may stretch a team in order to achieve it, the goal is not extreme. That is, goals are either out of reach or below standard performance,  may be considered meaningless.

An attainable goal will usually answer the question:

  • Is this something I can actually achieve?

Relevant

The fourth term stresses the importance of choosing goals that matter. A goal to “Make 50 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by 2:00pm.” may be Specific, Measurable, Attainable, and Time-Bound, but it lacks relevance.  Relevant goals drive the person, the team, department, or organization forward. A goal that supports or is in alignment with other goals would be considered a relevant goal.

A relevant goal can answer yes to these questions:

  • Does this seem worthwhile?
  • Is this the right time?
  • Does this match other efforts/needs?
  • Is this important to me?

Time-bound

The fifth term stresses the importance of grounding goals within a time frame, establishing target dates. A commitment to a deadline helps focus efforts on completion of the goal. This part of the S.M.A.R.T. goal criteria is intended to prevent goals from being overtaken by the day-to-day crises that invariably arise. A time-bound goal is intended to promote a healthy sense of urgency.

A time-bound goal will usually answer the question:

  • When?
  • How long?
  • What can I do today?
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5 Ways to be More Like Bruce Lee

Bruce Lee = Effectiveness

  • I did something because I was told it was the “right” thing to do. It didn’t work
  • I did it again because it should have worked the first time. It didn’t work
  • I did it a few more times to try to figure out what I’m doing wrong.  It still didn’t work.
  • I did it again because it really should have worked the first time and now I know I’m really doing it the way I should do it.  I can’t believe it’s not working.
  • I did it a half dozen more times out of frustration.  If definitely doesn’t work.

If you’ve ever found yourself in this cycle, you’ve become more worried with what should work than what does work.  You’ve gotten stuck knee deep in “should” and lost the ability to be effective.

What is the “right” way?  How “should” things get done? In terms of martial arts, Bruce Lee recognized that no dogmatic set of rules can ever be as effective as a flexible, organic, eclectic style of fighting. This philosophy made him one of the most efficient and effective fighters ever.  Applying this approach to our own lives can be equally powerful. This does not mean that we have to reinvent the wheel. Bruce Lee didn’t create an entirely novel fighting style.  He borrowed what worked from each style that already existed, and eliminated strategies that were ineffective.  He never tried to fit a square peg into a round hole.  He never got stuck in how things should happen.  He paid attention to results and was constantly open to adaptation.  How can you be more like Bruce?

  1. Eliminate “should” from your vocabulary.
  2. Get honest about what does and doesn’t work.
  3. Once you recognize what doesn’t work, STOP DOING IT!
  4. Try new things, stay flexible, look for results
  5. When you find something that works, master it.
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IT’S A TRAP! 10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns

We all get ourselves a little twisted sometimes.  I start to think the world will collapse if I miss the trailers that run before the movie starts at the theater.  I question my ability to function as an adult when I occasionally falter in completing my responsibilities (as a parent, business owner, therapist, etc.).  Sometimes, I blame others, complain unnecessarily, and make utterly unhelpful assumptions about my circumstances and the people around me. In summary, I can simply say…I am human.  My mind carries me to places that create and amplify distress without regard to reality.  My thoughts become distorted and I suffer the consequences.  The examples above are a few common iterations of distorted thinking.  Over the next few weeks, I’ll breakdown some of the more destructive patterns and offer tips on how to manage these ten beasts:

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanance
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

As you begin to challenge these distortions, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts you recognize and the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  •  Catastrophizing:  With this distortion, all things become epic disasters (at least in your head).  When we catastrophize, a poor grade on a test becomes a wasted semester.  An unanswered phone-call becomes a break-up, a death, or some sort of missing person scenario.  Stomach pain becomes an aggressive cancerous tumor, and being late for a meeting becomes certain termination and chronic unemployment.

Challenging Catastrophizing:  This negative fortune-telling often stems from the question, “What if…?”  One solution is to answer the “what if…” question in a way that is NOT distressing.  The poor grade on the test merely means some additional studying on the next test.  The unanswered phone call is because of a mid-afternoon nap or a phone that was incapacitated due to being dropped in the toilet.  More important than making a more optimistic prediction is the recognition that the assumptions we make are nothing more than creative thinking, a short-story brainstorming session, a fiction writing workshop. There is no need to respond (emotionally or otherwise) as if those thoughts/prediction/assumptions are reality.  If you “just know” something horrible is going to happy, you’re likely catastrophizing and would benefit from loosening your grip on the negative narrative.

  • Mental Filter:  An oil filter removes foreign objects to keep your engine running smoothly.  A pool filter keeps the water free of debris, allowing you to enjoy a cool dip in pristine water.  The distorted mental filter, however, leaves you with only the gunk, eliminating the helpful, supportive, validating thoughts necessary for us to flourish. There are two major types of filter and they are often applied together.  Both are frequently self-directed, but they can be just as harmful in interpersonal relationships.
    1. Focusing on the negative:  One version of this filter effortlessly and automatically hones in on all the worst aspects of any experience.  Did you misspell one word in that 10-page assignment?  The negative mental filter focuses in on that solitary mistake and shouts “FAILURE” rather that embracing the accomplishment of completing a lengthy assignment (even if there were a few mistakes).  A great evening out with your spouse may go down the tubes because of a 5-minute conflict or one awkward moment.  One small piece of constructive feedback from a boss after heaping praise on you?  Focusing on the negative has you believing the boss is going to fire you (or at least hoping you quit).
    2. Dismissing the positive:  This form of the mental filter often goes hand-in-hand with a negative focus…but it doesn’t even require you to make an actual mistake or have an uncomfortable experience.  When you’re automatic response to a compliment is, “You’re just being nice” or “You don’t really mean that.”  You’re viewing life through this filter.  When you win the gold medal and follow it with a “Yeah, but….” you’re becoming more effective at diluting, dismissing, rejecting, and otherwise avoiding the joyful experiences in your life.  Dismissing the positive means you don’t receive, in any genuine way, the validation, recognition, or appreciation being offered in your daily interactions.

Challenging the Mental Filter:  When you find yourself focusing on the negative, strive for balance – the ability to identify and embrace the dichotomy inherent in everything.  KEYWORD = AND.  “I wrote a great paper AND there were a couple mistakes.”  “My supervisor likes my customer service AND I’ve still got a few things to learn about the computer system.”  To challenge the tendency to dismiss the positive, work on providing yourself a little more validation, recognition, and appreciation on your own terms.  Find a reason to pat yourself on the back.  If you’re not that impressed with winning the gold medal, congratulate yourself on the hard work and commitment the award symbolizes.  Just find the reason.  Some days that reason is small – getting out of bed, eating something besides Doritos for breakfast, or just brushing your teeth.  Don’t let the relative simplicity of the task stop you from celebrating the accomplishment.  When other people compliment you or want to recognize your greatness in some way, say “thank you,” and refrain from discrediting their high opinion of you*.  Also see ‘Coach or Critic‘ for more thoughts on how be be a little less self-critical.

*This pertains to compliments and positive feedback delivered in a respectful way by well meaning individuals.  “Compliments” in the form of cat-calls or unsolicited objectification can be summarily ignored, redirected, rejected or confronted as necessary.

 

Next time, we’ll breakdown how Black-and-White Thinking and Mind-reading can get us into trouble

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Avoidance: The Burden of Dodging Burdens

Avoidance (and attempted avoidance) is one of the biggest sources of mental and emotional distress.  Avoidance may offer some immediate gratification, a sense of escape and relief.  You may even feel victorious if you’ve dodged a stressful task for another day or compartmentalized an emotion for another week.  That sense of relief becomes a powerful reinforcer of avoidance, and it’s easy to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of ducking and dodging the discomfort of actually doing.

Avoidance of uncomfortable situations, for all it’s real short-term benefits, can lead to very serious skills deficits.  Imagine the uncomfortable situation is swimming.  Plenty of people are scared of swimming.  One strategy for managing this fear is avoidance.  “If I never get in the water, I’ll be fine.”  There’s truth in that statement.  Avoidance works if the primary goal is to avoid feeling fear/anxiety//etc.  If the goal, however, is to be safer or feel safer near water, avoidance can’t get you there.  If the goal is to learn to swim, avoidance is the least effective thing you can do.

This provides a clear example of avoidance in action.  In our day-to-day lives, avoidance may be much more subtle.  You may avoid a conversation or an email.  You may avoid a place or a task.  You may work to avoid a thought or a feeling.  These efforts to avoid almost always waste energy, consuming your capacity to pursue what you want while you’re busy running from the discomfort in your life.  The brain’s ability to rationalize and justify is put to full use, and countless explanations (excuses) are created to support the decision to avoid.

Common Avoidance Strategies

“I’ll do it later.” is a classic justification for procrastinators around the world. “I’ll do it after ________.” is another easy way to avoid actual engagement in a task.  Netflix has been a boon to avoiders everywhere.

“I can’t do it.” is the rallying cry for people avoiding academic assignments, exercise, crucial conversations, and every other uncomfortable task.  A close cousin to the “I can’t do it” form of avoidance is the “I don’t have time” statement.  You can do, and you can make time.  The more honest statement is…”I’m not willing to suffer the consequences of doing it.”

“I’ll get more prepared instead.” is a slightly more sophisticated way to avoid – choosing, perhaps, the lessor of two uncomfortable endeavors.  “I’ll read a book about how to swim instead.”  I can assure you that no one ever felt safe and confident in the water without actually getting in the water.  This strategy of avoidance is common in high achievers and those that are reliant on knowledge for comfort.  Gaining more knowledge about a topic can be way to avoid the doing and to avoid the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that come with doing.  It’s a very strong, rational justification for avoidance….but it’s still avoidance.

Stop Avoiding, Get Engaged

Depending on the sophistication of your avoidance, you may face some serious challenges in recognizing and overcoming the habit.  You can start by asking these simple questions:

“Why is this important to me?” If you’re avoiding something, you’ve given yourself more reasons (or at least more important reasons) to NOT do it than TO do it.  Once you see patterns of avoidance popping up, look at what you’re avoiding, and focus on the justification for doing it.  Our swimmer might start by saying they value personal growth and challenge.  They can remind themselves that they want to be a playmate and protector to their water-loving children.  Regardless of the “why,” make sure it’s readily available when you’re faced with the urge to avoid.

“What can I do?”  By using all the horsepower in your brain to answer an affirmative, action-oriented question, you disengage from avoidance and start moving toward the goal.  Be a problem-solver.  Brainstorm until you have some specific actions that can move you toward the desired goal or value.  If you discover the avoidance continues…just ask the question again until you start taking action.

“What am I willing to experience?”  Let’s be honest, some experiences are going to be uncomfortable, and we’re not going to eliminate all unpleasantness from life.  So ask yourself what thoughts, emotions, urges, and sensations you’re willing to deal with to engage in life and do what you want to do.  In the example above, our fearful swimmer may want to acknowledge…”I’m willing to think I don’t need to swim.  I’m willing to be scared.  I’m willing to have the urge to runaway, and I’m willing to sweat from my palms.”  If they’re willing to experience all that and still get in the pool for lesson #1, they can overcome avoidance.  Read more about the tricky business of willingness here.

 

 

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Critic or Coach? Why “truth” isn’t necessarily the most helpful approach.

Critics are paid professionals that are expected to pass judgement.  Whether it’s food, a performance, a movie, or any other experience, honesty is vital their livelihood.  Without honestly, their opinions (which they’re paid to have) may no longer be valued or respected.  Critics serve a purpose, but it is rarely their intention to be, in any way, helpful to the objects of their evaluations.  Despite this spectacularly unhelpful stance, many of us fall into being critics of ourselves – evaluating and judging our behaviors and experiences without regard to the utter lack of value it brings.  Streams of critical thoughts may seem as natural as breathing in some circumstances.

“I’m so stupid/such an idiot/so irresponsible/so lazy/fat/ugly/short/depressed/etc.”

“I’m a horrible parent because I did (or didn’t do) ____________”

“If I wasn’t such a bad husband, I would ____________”

“I’m not good enough to ____________”

These criticism rarely, if ever, serve to effectively and efficiently motivate healthy change.  There may be some honest evaluation going on, but what purpose does it serve?  It fuels the furnace of guilt and self-loathing and only occasionally motivates change. In the long-run, this strategy is highly destructive.

Leave the criticism to the critics.  Unless you get paid to ruminate on your shortcomings, it’s time to switch gears.

Be coach.

Great coaches don’t dwell on the negative.  They make appropriate evaluations, but spend more time praising and encouraging the best aspects of their players.  Despite any shortcomings, they focus on what their teams do well.  When faced with failure or a daunting task, they refocus on “how” the team plays more than what the outcome is.  Win or lose – play hard, push yourself, acknowledge your teammates, and keep working.  Coaches know it sucks to lose.  Coaches get that players make mistakes. Coaches understand the tendency to be self-depreciating.  They respond with acceptance and encouragement – “Keep your head up! Keep working!”

Critics are paid to judge, coaches are paid to win.  Which offers you the be chances of flourishing?  How do you want to spend your time and energy?   Which internal narrative would be more helpful to you?