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Think You’re Relaxing? You May Just Be Distracted.

What do you do to relax?

  1. Read a book
  2. Take a bath
  3. Watch a movie
  4. Go for a walk
  5. Talk to a friend
  6. Drink a glass of wine

Those are the most common responses I get when I ask people how they relax.  Video games, social media, television, shopping, eating, and listen to music all make the list of frequent flyers. Everyone gets stressed, anxious, worried, or overwhelmed at some point, and we all find our own ways to cope.  Some strategies, however, are more helpful than others.  If you nodded your head in agreement as you read through the list above, you may be approaching relaxation very inefficiently.

In many circumstance, that temporary reprieve is enough to “reset” your thoughts and feelings back to baseline. 

Reading a book, watching a movie, or chatting with friends functions as a distraction from the physical, mental, and emotional discomfort you’re experiencing.  In many circumstances, that temporary reprieve is enough to “reset” your thoughts and feelings back to baseline.  The movie is over and you’re worries have subsided.  The riveting mystery novel pulls your thoughts away from the dangerous world around you and allows you to ruminate on which character is a red herring and which is the criminal mastermind.  An engaging conversation sometimes provides resolution, occasionally escalates stress, and often allows focus to shift away from your problems onto someone else’s concerns.

Taking a bath by candlelight can provide an alternative, more comfortable, physical experience.  A bath also requires a certain level of unplugging from the day-to-day grind.  Hopefully, you don’t take your laptop or phone into the bath with you.  When you’re in the tub, you’re not expected to cook dinner, fix the faucet, finish homework, fold laundry, pick up the kids, clean the house, or mow the grass.  You’re relieved of those obligations (momentarily).  A brisk walk serves a very similar function in terms of alleviating the sense of obligation and opening yourself up to new sensations – beautiful views, the smell of fresh air, a warm breeze on your face, etc.

The glass of wine chemically alters your experience.  Alcohol is a depressant, so it can mask some of the physical discomfort associated with elevated stress levels.  Some people use wine as an add-on to one of the other strategies.  A good book and wine.  An exciting movie and wine.  A bath and wine.

These strategies are, at best, inefficient methods of relaxation. 

The whole list would best be described as distractions.  Distractions that sometimes help to momentarily reduce stress.  These strategies are, at best, inefficient methods of relaxation.  That’s not to say they don’t work for some people, and they certainly don’t need to be altogether avoided.  Relaxation, I argue, is a skill unto itself.  Therefore, the only proper way to relax is to intentionally and directly practice relaxation.  I know it’s circular logic. “In order to relax, you have to relax.”  Here’s what I mean.  Relaxation is an active reduction in physiological arousal.  It’s a skill you can improve.  With practice, you can achieve deeper relaxation in less time.  All the changes that occur when we are stressed – increased heart rate, muscle tension, altered breathing patterns, increased blood pressure, disruptions to digestion, mental fog, pressured speech, and general unrest – can be actively managed.  Relaxation exercises such as controlled breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, autogenics, mindfulness meditation, and guided imagery offer a concrete tool to reduce the symptoms of stress and anxiety.

By practicing the skill of relaxation, you can effectively move your baseline level of stress.  If you run through your day with baseline stress of 65/100, and when it hits 80, you give yourself permission to regroup with a glass of wine in a warm tub, chances are, by the time you towel off, you’re down to a 65.  Now, 65 is normal, so it feels like you accomplished something and that the bath was effective.  By practicing relaxation skills like the ones listed above, you can shift your baseline.  With consistent practice, 50  (or 40…or 30) becomes the new normal and you’ve got much more bandwidth before you get overwhelmed.  Additionally, the relaxation skills toolbox is filled with strategies that can be applied much more pervasively.  Stressed at work?  Good luck sneaking away to some dark corner to watch a movie.  Anxious about traffic?  There’s no way you’re taking a walk or slipping into a bath.  The most useful strategies for relaxation can be used anywhere at any time (I’m especially talking about controlled breathing here).

This way of looking at relaxation parallels physical fitness.  You don’t go for a jog exclusively when you’re sick, injured, or otherwise sub-optimal in terms of health.  You exercise consistently in order to ensure that your overall fitness helping you enjoy life.  Most days you don’t need to be incredibly fit, but it sure is nice to have it when you need it.  The same goes for relaxation.  You won’t need it every day, but if you haven’t been practicing, you won’t have it when you need it most.

You won’t need it everyday, but if you haven’t been practicing, you won’t have it when you need it most.

Give yourself a week or two, genuinely practicing active relaxation.  Take five to 15 minutes daily to listen to one of the exercises above, and let me know how it changes the way you experience stress.

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Why I tell everyone “You Are Awesome”

It is incredibly easy for me to be critical.  The ability to identify the shortcomings, flaws, and mistakes of myself and others has come naturally to me.  I can see a movie, a process, a person, or anything else and tell you how it could be better.  This “gift” of diagnosing problems was certainly helpful in academia as I was tasked with applying critical thinking skills.  It was a strength as I critiqued research articles and clinical interventions as a student of psychology.  It even serves me professionally as I find myself responsible for assigning labels for the mental health issues I assess.

As helpful as it has been, it has been a larger detriment to me personally and socially.  Nothing stifles joy and gratitude like criticism.  If I focus on the opinion that the sunset could be brighter or the clouds are a little too purple, it’s tough to appreciate the magic in that moment.  If I think the presenter should have spoken a little louder or covered a few more crucial ideas, it’s tough to integrate and apply the information.  If I ruminate on the fact that my friend could have called a little more frequently or stayed a little longer, it’s tough to see how much excitement they bring into my life.  I want to find the magic in the sunset, the wisdom in the presentation, and the value in my friendships.

Over the last several years, I’ve entrenched myself in the process of cultivating more positivity and reducing negativity.  I’ve used social media, worn t-shirts, passed out business cards, held signs, developed and presented workshops, and lead university wide initiatives aimed at spreading one simple message – “You Are Awesome.”  It began as a concrete way to build positive interactions into a culture or situation – possibly helping others feel good.  It was a reminder to others that they are awesome, and they should start from that point in any situation. If they’re happier, the environment is more positive and it’s easier to be less critical.

The message has remained the same, but it’s meaning has changed for me.  Now, when I wear a shirt that says “You Are Awesome” it isn’t necessarily intended to convince others of their awesomeness, and I’m not really expecting the environment to change either.  It’s meant to remind me, that no matter what’s happening around me, I can find some good somewhere if I’m looking for it.  It’s not about identifying a silver-lining in every situation.  It’s not about “it sucks, BUT…”  It’s about fighting against my tendency to focus in on the problems and the things that I want to be different.  It’s about accepting the pain and challenging myself to proactively identify the things I’m grateful for rather than doing what’s easy (for me anyway) and pouring energy into being critical.  Wearing a shirt, carrying a sign, or passing out cards emblazoned with the “You Are Awesome” message forces me to be prepared to answer the question “What’s awesome about _______?”  My life is so much better when I’m looking for the moments that inspire awe.

Wearing a shirt, carrying a sign, or passing out cards emblazoned with the “You Are Awesome” message forces me to be prepared to answer the question “What’s awesome about _______?”  My life is so much better when I’m looking for the moments that inspire awe.

I’ve realized that so many things are genuinely awesome when defined in that way.  There are so many experiences that, when examined closely, are ridiculous and overwhelming in their magnificence.  The fact that you’re reading this blog fits into that category.  This seemingly mundane activity means that as I sit in my office in Poulsbo, Washington, I can click a button and make my thoughts and feelings accessible to anyone in the world that has access to the internet.  Then you, as the reader, have this insight into my life.  You have a unique connection to one of the 7 billion possible people you could have connected with today.  Yeah, that’s awesome.  Every seemingly mundane activity can be looked at from this perspective -every relationship -every convenience – everything we take for granted day after day can be viewed through this very different lens.

I feel the urge to defend another common argument against this way of approaching the world. I frequently get asked the question, “What about the things/people/experiences that really are not awesome?”  It’s a powerful question and needs to be addressed.  When bad things happen in the world, it’s not healthy to ignore them or to attempt to drown them out with positivity.  I will be the first to say that the world is not all puppies and rainbows, and that’s not really what the “You Are Awesome” message implies.  People get murdered, trusted officials lie and take advantage of their power, systematic oppress is real, hate is contagious, and the world is full of suffering.  When I see these realities in my own life I do my best to acknowledge them and meet them powerfully with compassion, empathy, and gratitude.  I know I can’t replace my grief, fear, or confusion with happiness and appreciation in painful situations, but I certainly don’t want to be ignoring all the things I have to be grateful for as I suffer.  Usually, when I’m in the most pain is when I find the most comfort in immersing myself in the awesomeness around me.  When my world is falling apart around me, I can find solace in recognizing how much worse it would be without the awe inspiring experiences I have every single day.

My shirts may seem cheesy.  The message, at first glance, can easily be seen as insincere. Your initial assessment may be dismissive.  Whether you’re skeptical of the concept or not, I invite you to let up on the criticism and judgment and practice more gratitude by preparing yourself to answer some of these questions throughout the day.  Fair warning – some days these questions will be more difficult to answer than others.

  1. What was awesome about today?
  2. Who made your life easier today? How did they do it?
  3. What made you smile today?
  4. What did you see today that was beautiful?
  5. What was something that would have made today way harder if you did have it?
  6. What was the best thing you tasted today?
  7. Who did something nice for you today? What did they do?
  8. Who did you connect with today? What did you like about it?
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Self-Sabotage and the Cycle of Collusion

Collusion implies that some form of secret collaboration has occurred in an effort to deceive others.  This sounds like the stuff of political espionage and spy movies, so it may surprise you to learn that you’ve been colluding with others on a daily basis, unintentionally sabotaging relationships while justifying your own righteous perceptions and behaviors.  An explanation is required.  I’ve previously recommended The Anatomy of Peace, and the cycle of collusion comes directly from that text.  On the most basic level, the cycle of collusion demonstrates how our own distorted perceptions and judgments about other people lead to interpersonal behaviors that act as a catalyst, promoting unwanted behaviors and confirming our negative perceptions.

Cycle of Collusion

The perceptions that feed our behaviors also provide fuel for the perceptions and behaviors of others.  A feedback loop resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy is created.  If I believe you to be a certain way, I will treat you accordingly, and increase the likelihood of you responding in a confirmatory fashion.  If this makes sense theoretically, the implications become even more powerful when looking at specific examples.  Parents, partners, and coworkers all find themselves colluding as everyone exhausts themselves in an effort to justify their own behaviors as well as their perceptions of each other.

Here we see a common cycle for the parents of an adolescent.

Cycle of Collusion Parenting Example

Now let’s look at how partners set themselves up to fail.

Cycle of Collusion Partner Example

And one more example – the workplace.

Cycle of Collusion Business Example

With each of these examples, we clearly see how the initial perceptions feed into the eventual behaviors that serve as evidence for the perceptions.  Grrr….the frustration is mounting.  How do we make it stop?  Well, the kid could start doing his homework, the husband could stay in a bit more, and Tom could show a little more effort…but, that wouldn’t really solve anything.  The real issue, and the place to focus energy, is the perceptions and behaviors associated with the “I see” and “I do” boxes.

It is too easy to holds other responsible for changing interpersonal dynamics, too easy to avoid personal accountability in these situations.  So, you have to be intentional about focusing on the “I.”  Shift perceptions of the adolescent from “irresponsible” to something more benign like “normal teenager,” “distracted,” or “in need of a break” and any interaction is likely to be more supportive.  If the wife recognizes value in the husband’s desire to build and maintain his social life, it will be easier to encourage him to do so (genuinely), and paradoxically, he may be more motivated to stay home with his wife.  That employee that isn’t delivering, may be waiting for his manager to show some compassion and investment before he’s willing to give his best.

Important note – these more positive perceptions do not let anyone off the hook in terms of legitimate feedback.  That “normal teenager” may need some additional support in terms of academic tutoring, organizational skill development, or external motivation.  We can increase the odds of that happening if we’re perceiving him in a positive light rather than as “irresponsible.”  The husband and wife may need to sit down and have a conversation about shared responsibilities and time with friends, but it doesn’t need to include labels like “inconsiderate” or “clingy.”  Tom may be under-performing, but assuming he is “lazy” or “incompetent” sets him up to be defensive and resistant in any conversations about his quality of work.

Exploring this process in it’s entirety can often shed light on long-standing conflict, hopefully elucidating changes necessary to break out of the cycle.  To apply this theory to your day-to-day life, follow these simple action steps.

  1. Assume positive intent: Eliminate labels and replace negative perceptions with neutral or positive perceptions (even if especially if it’s hard).
  2. Help things go right: Criticizing, ruminating, and disengaging aren’t helping anyone move in a positive direction.  Actively and intentionally look for ways to provide positive support.  This may require a direct conversation or a trial-and-error approach.
  3. Take responsibility: When things don’t go how you planned, look at what you want to do differently next time.  Identify whether your perceptions and behaviors were helping or hurting the dynamic.
  4. Stop expecting others to change: Accept your limitations.  You have limited influence on how other people behave.  Make sure you’re making it as easy as possible for them to move in a positive direction, communicate your expectations and your willingness to help, and then allow life to happen.  You won’t always get the intended results, but you won’t be sabotaging yourself.
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Tricky Business of Sincere Acceptance

For years acceptance has been the pinnacle of the grieving process.  Acceptance is a cornerstone of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It’s also fundamental to Eastern philosophies and practices such as Taoism, Buhhdism, meditation, and mindfulness.

All of these approaches promote acceptance.  Be accepting of thoughts and emotions.  Be accepting of situations and hardships.  Be accepting of yourself and other people.

Theoretically, acceptance will result in less suffering, less sadness, less anger – generally less discomfort in our lives.  Through years of practice and observation, I believe that is true.  I’ve shared and taught the ideals of acceptance to hundreds of people, and in nearly every instance, no matter what I do or how I explain the concepts, the same problem arises.

People want to use acceptance as a way to control their emotions.  They ask, “How will acceptance make my sadness go away.”  They wonder, “If I accept everything, how will I control it?”

Hopefully, you picked up on the complete contradiction in the previous sentences.  If not, let me explain.  Acceptance means you’ve relinquished all expectation for change; you’ve taken a role as an observer.  To say internally, or out-loud – “I accept that I’m sad” with the expectation that the sadness will go away is not acceptance at all.

Please don’t mistake the idea of acceptance with giving-up, surrendering, wallowing, or otherwise disconnecting from life.  Genuine acceptance does not equate to throwing your hands up and spending three days in bed watching three seasons of a mediocre show on Netflix.  That would be surrendering to sadness, not accepting it.

Genuine acceptance starts with nonjudgmental recognition – “I’m feeling sad.”  You may simply sit with that feeling, examining and experiencing the thoughts and sensations associated with the emotion.  After accepting that the feeling is present, you make the all-important decision about how you want to live your life (regardless of how you feel).  Here’s the key to accepting uncomfortable emotions.  You don’t have to wait for it to go away to start living life according to your values.  You can be sad and call a friend.  You can be sad and socialize.  You can be sad and make dinner for your family.  You can be sad and go to class.  You can be sad and be kind, trusting, generous, engaged, or dedicated.

All of this is easier said than done.  It requires clarity of personal values and goals.  It requires intentional practice related to active acceptance.  It requires self-compassion, patience, and vulnerability.  Use this guided exercise to take a proactive approach to emotional acceptance.

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Lessons from Shel: #2454. Who am I?

 

I frequently use this poem by Shel Silverstein to illustrate the importance of perspective and the pervasiveness of false dichotomies.  Read the poem then continue reading below.
When given an either-or proposition, it’s extremely easy to lose the nuanced experience of who we are and how we experience the world.

Are you a good mother with some bad ways or bad mother with some good ways?

Are you a kind person with some hateful habits or hateful person with some kind habits?

Was it a gorgeous sunset with some ugliness or an ugly sunset with some beauty shining through?

Are you a great friend with some disengaged days or a disengaged friend with some great days?

Was it a wonderful day or horrible day?

Before you invest in answering those questions, consider that in any given moment, both can be true.   As a mother, a father, a friend, or a sibling, you make contributions and cause distress.  Every sunset has it’s high points and low points.  Every day provides opportunities to revel in gratitude or complain incessantly.  As it becomes easier to lean toward the negative, it becomes increasingly important to maintain a balance.  Accept the struggles while actively acknowledging the (sometimes small) moments of awesomeness throughout the day.  Above all, hold on to the realization the you, and the world around you, is NEVER just one way.

 

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3 Steps to Boosting Gratitude Now

DSC_0057

Gratitude is a buzzword these days, but sometimes becoming more grateful is presented as an arbitrary journey towards metaphysical enlightenment.

If you don’t know what that means, don’t worry – neither do I.

As much as being grateful is about changing how you feel, it’s even more about changing what you do.  Follow these three steps RIGHT NOW and you’ll be on your way to reaping all the rewards of a life filled with gratitude.

1.  Answer this question.  What’s the best thing that’s happened today?  No matter how bad your day has been, there will always be a best thing.  No matter how early it is, there will still be a best thing.  Challenge yourself to spend some time throughout the day to revisit your best things.  You may recall the pleasant smile of barista serving your morning coffee or the sight of mountains in front of the rising sun.

2.  Pat yourself on the back.  Gratitude isn’t all about the world around you.  Building appreciation for yourself is a vital aspect of being a thankful person.  Find something you can be grateful for about YOU.  Thank your eyes for their ability to read this blog.  Thank your hand for navigating to this website.  Thank your mind and heart for their willingness to build gratitude.

3.  Spread the word.  Part any healthy gratitude practice is sharing your new-found skills and feelings with those around you.  Social connection and compassion for others are incredible ways amplify your thankfulness.  Take the time right now to send a text, write an email, make a phone call, or look over to the person next to you and express something you’re grateful for.

Repeat regularly (multiple times a day would be great) and let us know how it changes you.

 

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Golden Ticket to immediate RESPECT.

 

Aim for respect and they’ll probably like you.  Aim exclusively for being liked, and you risk losing everyone’s respect.

Often, leaders put too much of their time and energy into being liked by their superiors, peers, and subordinates.  This, however, can become a dangerous trap where appearing friendly becomes more important that doing what it takes to be an effective leader.

As a parent of two, I can’t help but see the parallels in my relationship with my children.  My kids (and most other humans) have a knack for testing the resolve of their leaders, and as leaders, we have to constantly be ready to respond.

Based on the feedback from my six-year old, I would have to believe that consistently limiting her chocolate intake makes me a sub-par dad.  My son would have me question my capacity as a father if I don’t buy him ALL the Lego sets he ever wanted.  If I was interested only in having my kids like me and agree with all my decisions, I would have children similar to the more nauseating characters in a Roald Dahl novel.  They wouldn’t respect me, and I wouldn’t respect myself.

Apply the same concepts to leading a team or a business, and you’ll quickly recognize where you’re caving into external pressure and where you’re holding strong to your values.   To respect yourself, you’ll need a clear definition of what it means to be a strong and successful leader. Regardless of the people involved, the political climate of the organization, the potential consequences, strong leaders know how to walk away respecting themselves.

That’s someone I’d want to follow.  What about you?

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Lessons from Shel #1325. Maybe you’re doing it wrong

 

Shel - Carrots

I continue to be impressed with the simple yet powerful way that Shel Silverstien expresses his views of the world.  In “Carrots,” he both literally and figuratively illustrates the well-intentioned self-sabotage that can destroy us.

It’s certainly something I’ve wrestled with.  I’ve exercised to the point of injury.  I’ve eaten “clean” to the point of feeling miserable deprivation.  I’ve communicated so openly that I’ve damaged relationships.  I’ve been compliant and agreeable in situations that left me feeling marginalized and ignored.

Healthy diets, exercise, open communication, and being pleasant with others are absolutely beneficial when they’re used appropriately.  The hard part comes when I have to figure out what’s actually going to be effective for me, given my current circumstances, and what’s going to be detrimental to my success.  It can be difficult to distinguish the struggle of pushing through a challenge and the pain associated with self-sabotage.  It’s not always as obvious as Shel might have us believe, but it’s a distinction that’s vital to remaining effective and healthy.

I’m going to keep asking myself…is this really moving me towards the life I want to have.  As long as I’m answering “yes” most the time, I’ll be doing fine.