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Yeah, that’s drama.

“Stop being so dramatic!!”

“Uh, I’m sick of all this drama.”

“Why do you ALWAYS have to be so dramatic?”

Whenever emotions run hot and tempers flare it’s easy to throw around the word “drama” as an accusation.  That can be problematic when the word is used used to dismiss someone and their feelings.  Calling someone “dramatic” is a way for people to excuse themselves from dealing with the emotional turmoil of others.  It provides (sometimes) false justification to ignore sincere attempts at communicating.

Then again, when someone is truly being dramatic,  it’s destructive, demands attention, and brings down everyone involved.

So, how can we tell genuine intense emotion from unhealthy DRAMA?

The differences are quite clear when you slow down and take at look. David Richo outlines a few distinguishing factors in his book How To Be an Adult.  (I love the title, but I don’t fully agree with all of Dr. Richo’s insights. I do find his review of drama extremely helpful.)

Think back to your last heated conversation and use the lists below to self-assess your communication style.

Dramatic Communication…

  • Is meant to silence the other
  • Blames the other of what you feel
  • Masks fears related to your own lack of control
  • Makes direct or indirect demands on the other to change
  • Is violent, aggressive, derisive, and/or punitive
  • Represses true feelings and motives
  • Insists that others acknowledge how justified you were
  • Creates distance between those involved

Healthy Communication (even when angry)…

  • Is meant to communicate and share information
  • Acknowledges sadness and disappointment
  • Takes ownership of, and responsibility for, your own emotions
  • Asks for, but does not demand change
  • Is nonviolent and well-controlled
  • Coexists with other feelings (in both people)
  • Needs no response
  • Moves toward trust and mutual understanding

This is a great structure for evaluating your own approach to difficult conversations and understanding where to set boundaries when other people start to unload their drama into your life.  People who are comfortable with this aggressive, blaming, insincere style of communication generally expect people to meet them in the chaos or fold to their demands.  By consistently using healthy communication, and acknowledging how their behavior has impacted you, boundaries can be established with clear expectations regarding how emotions are discussed in your interactions.

NOTE: If you revisit this checklist the next time you see, or are involved in, a dispute, you’ll notice that the gender stereotypes regarding “drama” disappear.  The word has become associated with highly emotional women; however, men are just as likely to meet these criteria than their estrogen-rich counterparts.

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Gender Differences in Brain Functioning

While Steve Novella walks you through the science of male versus female brains in this concise article, I want to talk about what it means for how we interact with the world and the people in it.

“This does not mean that males and females are the same, or that there are no differences. It does mean that individuals are individuals.” –Steven Novella

His summary compares brain function to height with regard to the predictive relevance of gender.  This is the perfect comparison.  If you know someone’s gender, you don’t have great odds of guessing their height on a case by case basis.  Plenty of women (half, by definition) are above average height.  Conversely, half of all men are below average height, and there is a huge overlap in the heights of men and women.  It is the same for brain functioning.  Even if you know  a person’s gender, there is a large number of possibilities for how that particular person’s brain is working.  Any assumptions you make would be a highly inefficient way to understand them.

I’m downplaying the differences and negating any categorical differences; however, it is extremely important to account for these differences when attempting to communicate.  Whether the communication is occurring across genders or within a gender, it is vital to healthy relationships and effective communication that we acknowledge and appreciate the differences in how people process information.  When you ask yourself “How could anyone think that way?,” consider the simple answer, “Because their brain functions differently than mine.”

To communicate and connect with others, there must be a mutual understanding, and if I assume everyone around me should think, process, and comprehend just like I do, I’ve minimized my own effectiveness.  Only with flexibility (in my own thinking) and a willingness to step outside of what is familiar to me, can I genuinely convey or understand meaningful personal thoughts and feelings in any relationship.

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Lessons from Shel: #2454. Who am I?

 

I frequently use this poem by Shel Silverstein to illustrate the importance of perspective and the pervasiveness of false dichotomies.  Read the poem then continue reading below.
When given an either-or proposition, it’s extremely easy to lose the nuanced experience of who we are and how we experience the world.

Are you a good mother with some bad ways or bad mother with some good ways?

Are you a kind person with some hateful habits or hateful person with some kind habits?

Was it a gorgeous sunset with some ugliness or an ugly sunset with some beauty shining through?

Are you a great friend with some disengaged days or a disengaged friend with some great days?

Was it a wonderful day or horrible day?

Before you invest in answering those questions, consider that in any given moment, both can be true.   As a mother, a father, a friend, or a sibling, you make contributions and cause distress.  Every sunset has it’s high points and low points.  Every day provides opportunities to revel in gratitude or complain incessantly.  As it becomes easier to lean toward the negative, it becomes increasingly important to maintain a balance.  Accept the struggles while actively acknowledging the (sometimes small) moments of awesomeness throughout the day.  Above all, hold on to the realization the you, and the world around you, is NEVER just one way.