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Personal Growth Fueled by Chaos and Crisis

Even if we manage to maintain our physical health during this global pandemic, it may be impossible to avoid the mental and emotional distress caused by COVID-19.

We are facing situations that we’ve never imagined.  We’re being asked to isolate ourselves, remove ourselves from the very spaces that bring us joy and a sense of connection.  Work is different, home is different, recreation is different.  Most of us didn’t come into these circumstances with the mental fortitude to manage such drastic change with no foreseeable end to the turmoil. 

This is a time of significant distress, and we’re being expected to deal with it without some of our favorite (and most effective) coping strategies.  No socializing!  No going out to eat or grabbing drinks with friends!  Shopping? Not at Nike or the Apple Store.  Your gym closed. Your spa appointment got canceled. Your favorite sporting events are no longer happening.  The world is upside down!

You’ve got a lot more time to sit with your own thoughts and feelings.  At a time like this, that can be scary.  However, if you want to use this COVID quarantine as an opportunity to gain some valuable skills, following the outline below will help build an incredible ability to relax…even in the face of a global crisis.

We can’t just snap our fingers and be more mentally and emotionally fit, so we need to dive in and start cultivating our relaxation SKILLS.  The best place to start is with guided relaxation exercises.  That may sound simple, but there are literally thousands of guided relaxation exercises available online.  Some are definitely better than others.  Some will sound like nails on a chalkboard.  It will take you some time to find one that fits your personal needs and preferences. 

Just follow these steps and you’ll be feeling calmer in no time.

1.  Find a guided relaxation exercise that you’re willing to do on a regular basis.  Find a voice that you like (man vs. woman, accent vs. no accent).  Pay attention to the music or lack of music.  It may take 30 minutes or more to find an exercise that works for you – be patient, and keep looking until you find something that you can stick with.

2.  Keep your expectations realistic.  Practicing the skill of relaxation in an intentional way can be a challenge.  There may be moments of discomfort.  You may doubt the benefits in the short term.  Just like any other new skill we’re trying to master, relaxation can be awkward at first. Over time, with consistent practice, your skill will improve.

3.  Initially, practice for no more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time.  Remember, consistency is the most important factor.  If you need to modify your goals, reduce the time of the exercise rather than frequency.  Two minutes, five times per week, is better than ten minutes once per week. 

4.  Understand that different exercises focus on different aspects of de-escalation. Try out a variety to see which works best for you.  Try any of the examples at http://infinitenorth.com/resources/  

Use the following categories to explore on your own.  You’ll notice several these types of exercises in the resources offered at www.infinitenorth.com

Mindfulness – These exercises focus on controlling attention, nonjudgmentally, in the present moment. Headspace is a great comprehensive app for mindfulness.

Autogenic Relaxation – These exercises focus on the transition to a sense of warm, heavy calmness throughout your body.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation – This is a slightly more active exercise focused on practicing tensing and relaxing major muscle groups.

Controlled Breathing or Diaphragmatic Breathing – These exercises simply focus on the breath, helping to increase awareness and support healthy regulation of our breathing patterns.

Guided Visualization or Guided Imagery – These exercises create relaxing mental escapes that we can retreat to whenever we need a break from reality (or just from our stressful thoughts).

Loving-kindness – These exercises focus on building a sense of compassion and connection.

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Still Working to Find the Awesome

As a clinician, I’ve found that I have somewhat limited opportunities to create a tangible product.  I listen.  I talk.  I share recommendations and point people in the healthiest direction I can.  Occasionally, I am able to provide resources that I have created, and that lends some consistency to the work that I do with clients and it helps me feel as though I’m producing something.  I enjoy recreating handouts and relaxation exercises.  But if I’m being honest, regardless of the clinical content, I just like creating things that I can share with others.

I wouldn’t describe most of my recreational activities as ‘creative.’  I watch movies, hang out with friends, and get to the gym when I make time for it.  Over the years, however, I’ve recognized how important it is for me to have a product to show for my efforts.  Rather than picking up a paintbrush or a cookbook, I’ve found myself drawn to the digital arts.  The most recent iteration of that is a podcast where my co-host and I discuss the victories and struggles related to growing and getting stronger in our physical, mental, and emotional health.

In our most recent podcast, I was able to share some of my personal story.  I had a blast recounting the development of the ‘You Are Awesome‘ movement and how it’s changed my life.  It reminded me that I’ve grown and evolved.  The movement has grown and evolved.  And, it’s another example of how I’ve been drawn toward tangible outcomes (cards, t-shirts, stickers, magnets) despite the heady, intellectual, often-abstract field of psychology that I’ve made my profession.

If you care to listen to my latest creation, you can find it here or track it down through your podcasting subscription service of choice (iTunes, GoogleMusic, Spotify, Stitcher, etc.)

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Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

I revisited the book Mindset by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D.  I dove in, took notes, and highlighted the big ideas and inspiring quotes.   While I won’t rehash the entire book here, I’ll share some of the key concepts.

Dr. Dweck’s book is built on an exploration of fundamental differences in mindset – fixed mindset vs. growth mindset.  In the fixed mindset people view skills and abilities as static, as in unchanging.  It’s easy to come up with examples of the fixed mindset if you complete the sentence “I’m just not good at ________.”  People fall into the fixed mindset with all sorts of things.  As I read the book, I couldn’t help but hear echos of my self-assessments.  “I’m just not musical.” “I just don’t have good hand-eye coordination.” “I just don’t have an eye for design.”  I could go on, but I’ll spare you more examples of my self-proclaimed shortcomings.  Fixed mindset can also apply to talents when we complete sentences like “I’ve just always been good at __________.”

Either way, the fixed mindset sets us up for failure on a grander scale than any particular skill or ability.  By clinging to a fixed mindset, I effectively eliminate my willingness and ability to improve myself in any way.  Every shortcoming becomes a lifetime sentence of mediocrity.  Anytime I try something new and I’m not good at it, my fixed mindset tells me I have a fundamental deficiency in that area….and I can’t really do anything about it.  Ouch!

The fixed mindset, as you might imagine, leads to avoiding anything that challenges self-perceived strengths.  For example, If my fixed mind tells me I’m good at writing, I’m only going to write in situations where I’m virtually guaranteed to be affirmed and validated.  If critical feedback comes my way, it may pop my ‘good writer’ bubble, and if I’m not inherently good, I’ll never be good.   When the fixed mind is forced to face critical feedback, it justifies and blames in order to protect the perception of ‘natural’ ability.  This avoidance of challenges and useful feedback actually creates stagnation and strengthens the notion of static abilities.

Growth mindset, as you might imagine, focuses on our incredible capacity to learn new things and develop new skills.  Individuals embracing a growth mindset seek out opportunities to learn from feedback – they don’t fear failure because they believe any lack of success is temporary and dependent solely on commitment and effort.

Want to see where you apply your own growth mindset?  Complete the sentence, “After a lot of hard work, I learned how to __________.”  Any time you’re willing to start with the basics and build from there.  Growth mindset generally requires patience, openness to feedback, a willingness to be ‘unsuccessful’, and the ability to enjoy the process of improving.  When you can feel pride based on individual growth rather than comparative success or narrowly defined outcomes, you’re in the growth mindset.

The growth mindset allows us to pursue literally anything and everything regardless of our current skill level.  It opens the door to any and every experience.  It ignores any of the standard excuses, turning “I’m too old” into “It’s never too late.”  “I’ve never been good at that.” becomes “It’s going to be so fun to learn how to do this.”  The best part about all of this is the fact that growth is virtually guaranteed if you can sustain this mindset throughout the process.

Because so much of our mindset is based exclusively on the internal dialogue between our ears, it’s tough to create a concrete plan for shifting from fixed to growth.  That won’t stop us from trying though.  The first step is committing to cultivating the growth mindset, intentionally replacing unhelpful thoughts with thoughts of growth.  Use the examples below, and feel free to come up with your own.

Every failure is an opportunity to learn.

Feedback only helps me learn and grow.

Everything I’ve ever done has required effort to get better.

I can get better at anything I work at.

If I’m willing to looking at my ability honestly, and celebrate small successes, I can have fun regardless of outcomes.

The how matters more than the what.

 

Take a new challenge, practice the growth mindset, and let us know how it goes.

If you’d like to hear more of Dr. Poinsett’s thoughts on Mindset, you can listen to his discussion of the book on The Victory and The Struggle Podcast.

 

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Quick Check: Values Based Action

It’s been a while since the last blog post, and I’m planning on tightening up the time between submissions.  More wisdom is on it’s way.

Everyday provides endless opportunities to live the life we want to live, but we’ve got to paying attention, and be prepared to take advantage when an opportunity presents itself.  With that in mind, I want to provide a decision making strategy that can be applied anywhere and anytime.  When you’re making decisions mindfully (and hopefully most of the time you are), it requires intentional questions and answers in each moment.

  • Where will I choose to focus my attention?
  • What will I say in response to that greeting?
  • What tooth will I brush next?
  • What am I tasting right now?

With all those questions and choices, how can we know which path to follow?  It’s easy to fall into a pattern of looking for the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ path, but that’s an oversimplification and introduces unnecessary judgment.  Instead you can ask, “How will this choice help me move toward my values?” or “What behavior would I be engaging in if I were behaving in alignment with my values?”

Through the course of any day, the more closely we can align our choices and behaviors to our values, the better off we’re going to be.  It minimizes guilt, regret, shame, self-criticism, and judgment.  It maximizes healthy pride, self-efficacy, contentment, and personal growth.  It allows us to live our life based on the things that are most important to us.  If you’re not sure how to define your values, you can take an initial step by downloading and printing this  values clarification worksheet.  Rate all the values on the worksheet as either very important, somewhat important, or not important.  Once you’ve identified all the values that are very important to you, narrow those down to your top ten.

By using your top ten values to make decisions, you’re sure to find yourself on a more fulfilling path in life.

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Why is Happiness So Elusive?

It’s fairly safe to generalize and say that everyone wants to be happy.  Happiness is a comfortable, pleasant emotion.  No one has ever said, “Man, I’ve been happy forever.  It would be nice to have just a few days of sadness.”

So why do so few people seem to genuinely arrive at this elusive happy place?  There are many reasons, but most of them are unknown to the layperson, and even after explaining the problems, most people won’t do what it actually takes to cultivate happiness.

First problem is that we talk about happiness as if it is a permanent state of being rather than the fleeting emotional experience that it actually is.  It’s discussed as an end goal rather than a temporary state of being.  If true happiness is the persistent absence of all uncomfortable emotions…it becomes an impossible state to reach.  This problem creates a dilemma where the pursuit of happiness results in perpetual failure, effectively reducing happiness.  Ouch!

Another problem is that our minds have the capacity to predict how we’ll feel in a particular situation.  All the “If I owned…”  “If I could just…” “If they would only…” scenarios get played out in our heads and make it easy to assume that we could be happy give the right circumstances.  Unfortunately, we consistently overvalue our predictions, and tend to think things will make us happier than they actually do.  This over-reliance on faulty prediction sets us up to feel disappointed rather than happy.  Ouch again!

On top of that, we have become a culture full of choices and information.  That becomes problematic when we’re give the opportunity to evaluate options and make choices.  Most proper evaluations examine both sides of each option, highlight the pros and cons of all potential choices.   While this analysis can ensure wise and responsible choices, it can also undermine happiness.  By spending the time to create the pros and cons list, we highlight the negative aspects of whatever choice we make while also highlighting the positive aspects of the alternative choices.  It’s like there’s no winning here.

So what’s the remedy.  Well, we can’t cover all our basis, but lets address the key factors I’ve already brought up.  Do your best to accept that happiness is simply an emotion not a permanent destination.  Work to visit often but don’t expect to stay.  Recognize that your predictions about what will make you happy are probably wrong.  You’ll be better off cultivate appreciation for what you have rather than trying to gather more things.  Minimize or eliminate choice wherever you can, then focus on developing genuine gratitude for the choices you’ve made.  Reduce the criticism and judgment and look for all the things you can appreciate.

Dan Gilbert can walk you through some great research on this topic in his TED talk.

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Words Do Hurt! Bullies, Beliefs, and the Struggle for Truth

Simple. Powerful. Honest. The video gives a glimpse into the impact of bullying on young minds, showing how small words can have a massive impact.

Some people stick to the old adage, “…words will never hurt me.”  To a degree, I can get behind that statement, but, strong negative beliefs  ARE EXTREMELY damaging.  What are words besides seeds that grow into beliefs.  Bullying introduces those seeds and creates an environment that perfectly cultivates words into core beliefs. 

I frequently remind people that our thoughts are only as powerful as the extent to which we believe them.  If I 100% believe that I will die in a plane crash when I fly, that thought will have an intense impact on my emotions and, potentially, my behavior.  If I can have the thought “I could die during this flight,” and give it a statistically appropriate amount of believability (.000000009%), that thought is just a thought and has virtually no impact.

How does this connect with bullying?

In order to  strengthen beliefs, we typically revisit the thoughts related to that belief – either by connecting with a community that supports those beliefs (i.e. church, sporting events, etc) and/or by rehearsing the statements in our own heads (i.e. internally repeating, “It’s gonna be fine.” during a crisis).  In doing so, we confirm the “truth” behind the statement, increasing the believability and amplifying the impact the thoughts have.  It’s a strategy that is helpful in many scenarios as we work to strengthen the thoughts and beliefs that support a rich and engaging life.  This same technique is dangerous when the thoughts and beliefs are self-depreciating, judgmental, violent or otherwise harmful.  Bullying mirrors these strategies, bombarding victims with persistent and overwhelming reminders of hurtful beliefs.

“You’re an idiot!” is just words. “I’m an idiot” is just a thought.  If those statements are reintroduced day after day, week after week, month after month, they’re likely to become beliefs.  If an ever expanding social circle reinforces those ideas, it becomes harder to NOT believe it.  When it’s the voice in your own head, it becomes almost impossible to escape.

When those hurtful and unhelpful seeds get planted, do your best to respond with “THEY WERE WRONG!”

 

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Set Goals That Work for You

Setting helpful goals is an art.  Too often, goals are set, and they only result in feelings of disappointment, failure, and embarrassment.  If you’re goals are setting you up to feel that way, it’s time to change how you create goals.

Healthy goals will engender feelings of accomplishment, pride, excitement, and success.  Pursuing helpful goals will enrich your life by filling it with values-based action.  If your goals don’t lead to these results, REWRITE your goals until they do.

Set goals that help you feel successful.  Be flexible and start as small as you need to.  Always be willing to scale back until you find the right level of challenge and success.  A goal that’s too easy won’t push you enough, but a goal that’s too difficulty will only lead to disappointment and eventually, disengagement.

And whether it goes well or goes poorly, treat yourself like a great coach, not an overbearing critic.

When you sit down to write your goals, make sure some (maybe most) of them fit the SMART goal criteria.  Create goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound.  Doing this will make it easier to recognize and celebrate your achievements, leading to bigger goals and more meaningful accomplishments.

Specific

The first term stresses the need for a specific goal rather than general goal. This means the goal is clear and unambiguous; without vagaries and platitudes. To make goals specific, they must tell a team exactly what is expected, why is it important, who’s involved, and where is it going to happen.

A specific goal will usually answer these “W” questions:

  • What: What do I want to accomplish?
  • Why: Specific reasons, purpose or benefits of accomplishing the goal.
  • Who: Who is involved?
  • Where: Identify a location.

Vague Goal = I’m going get in shape

Specific Goal = To prepare for long distance hikes this summer, I’m going to run two miles on the high school track, on Mondays and Wednesdays after work with my friend Andrew.

Measurable

The second term stresses the need for concrete criteria for measuring progress toward the attainment of the goal. The thought behind this is that if a goal is not measurable, it is not possible to know whether you are making progress toward successful completion. Measuring progress acts as a catalyst for success, the exhilaration of achievement that spurs on continued effort toward reaching the ultimate goal.

A measurable goal will usually answer questions such as:

  • How much?
  • How many?
  • How will I know when it is accomplished?

Attainable

The third term stresses the importance of goals that are realistic and attainable. While an attainable goal may stretch a team in order to achieve it, the goal is not extreme. That is, goals are either out of reach or below standard performance,  may be considered meaningless.

An attainable goal will usually answer the question:

  • Is this something I can actually achieve?

Relevant

The fourth term stresses the importance of choosing goals that matter. A goal to “Make 50 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by 2:00pm.” may be Specific, Measurable, Attainable, and Time-Bound, but it lacks relevance.  Relevant goals drive the person, the team, department, or organization forward. A goal that supports or is in alignment with other goals would be considered a relevant goal.

A relevant goal can answer yes to these questions:

  • Does this seem worthwhile?
  • Is this the right time?
  • Does this match other efforts/needs?
  • Is this important to me?

Time-bound

The fifth term stresses the importance of grounding goals within a time frame, establishing target dates. A commitment to a deadline helps focus efforts on completion of the goal. This part of the S.M.A.R.T. goal criteria is intended to prevent goals from being overtaken by the day-to-day crises that invariably arise. A time-bound goal is intended to promote a healthy sense of urgency.

A time-bound goal will usually answer the question:

  • When?
  • How long?
  • What can I do today?
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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: 2

Last time we focused on one distortion that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever.  Today we’ll explore black-and-white thinking and mind-reading.  We’re on our way to covering all ten…but tackling two at a time seems halfway reasonable.  There was a time when these distorted thinking patterns were referred to as “irrational” thoughts.  While I understand the technical absence of rationale inherent in these thought patterns, “irrational” carries some significant negative connotation.  It’s often an accusation or an insult – “Ughhh!  Stop being so irrational!” or “If you weren’t being so irrational…”  This negative connotation and these types of comments are disproportionately directed at women, but in my experience, men are just as likely to fall into these “irrational” patterns as women.  In order to start from a place from equality (less accusatory and insulting), let’s stick with referring to these extremely normal, yet unhelpful, thought patterns as “distorted.”

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanance
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  •  Black and White Thinking: This distorted lens can create false dichotomies in any and every situation.  It polarizes every effort, every person, and every experience.  This means that your workout was either AMAZING or absolute MISERABLE.  You looked PERFECT or HORRID.  You’re a great parent or an abject failure.  You’re the best or your nothing.  Your goals DOMINATED or you FAILED.  This distortion also seems to mandate the use of absolute language.  Whenever you hear “always”, “never”, or “everytime”, you’re likely dealing with black-and-white thinking.  Spending too much time thinking this way can easily lead to hopelessness – it becomes almost impossible to feel successful.

Challenging Black and White Thinking:  You may see some significant similarities with the Mental Filter problem.  These two distortions go together.  By filtering out all positive aspects of person, thing, or experience, it quickly becomes an extremely negative version of itself.  Black-and-White thinking confirms and amplifies the contrast between your hopes and your reality.  Your task is to find the gentle middle ground in-between the harsh extremes.  Acknowledge that you weren’t perfect or horrid; your workout wasn’t amazing or miserable.  Most things are someplace in between.  Allow for (and even cultivate) more complex perceptions.  Actively identify the aspects that are going well and the ones that aren’t – incorporate both sides, and avoid the absolutes.  If your mind give you a “never” or “always,” recognize it for what it is, and start to celebrate the successes that will almost certainly be found in the middle-ground.

  • Mind-Reading:  I’d like to believe that if I had the capacity to read minds, I would use it for more than confirming people’s negative perceptions of me.  Unfortunately, this distortion takes the concept of mind-reading to very dark places.  The mind-reading distortion allows us to be fully hooked into the assumptions we make about what others are thinking.  We become certain about their intentions and how they really feel.  It may be something straightforward like, “She thinks I’m stupid” or “He hates me.”  Throw in a few additional layers of social networking and mind-reading becomes extremely complicate and messy.  It can destroy relationships and lead to a sense of constant social pressure when the assumptions are self-critical.  A wave and a smile becomes a sinister ruse aimed at tricking you into foolishly desiring a friendship you don’t deserve (insert evil laugh)!!!  Or…maybe it was just a smile and a wave.

Challenging Mind-Reading:  It wouldn’t be responsible for me to tell you to just stop doing it.  I’ll try to be a bit more helpful.  A large factor in challenging this distortion is simply becoming aware of when you’re doing it and then not buying into the story.  If you’re well practiced at mind-reading (many of us are), the information that was gathered telepathically immediately becomes integrated into the mental narrative as fact.  Recognizing where the information came from can loosen the “fact” label significantly. Ask yourself, do I know this or am I assuming it? When in doubt, stick with external observations.  What did they DO?  What words did they say?  List what you observed, making sure it’s free of assumptions or judgments, then respond accordingly.  They smiled and waved, now I will smile and wave.

Alternatively many times you can just ask what someone is thinking or feeling.  You might say, “I noticed you were scowling, and I’m a little worried you’re upset about something I did.”  No need to assume.  If you insist on assuming, and creating a narrative based on those assumptions, the very least you can do, is build and interesting and helpful narrative rather than one that is destructive and critical.

 

Next we’ll cover Emotional Reasoning and, one of my personal favorites, Shoulding

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IT’S A TRAP! 10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns

We all get ourselves a little twisted sometimes.  I start to think the world will collapse if I miss the trailers that run before the movie starts at the theater.  I question my ability to function as an adult when I occasionally falter in completing my responsibilities (as a parent, business owner, therapist, etc.).  Sometimes, I blame others, complain unnecessarily, and make utterly unhelpful assumptions about my circumstances and the people around me. In summary, I can simply say…I am human.  My mind carries me to places that create and amplify distress without regard to reality.  My thoughts become distorted and I suffer the consequences.  The examples above are a few common iterations of distorted thinking.  Over the next few weeks, I’ll breakdown some of the more destructive patterns and offer tips on how to manage these ten beasts:

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanance
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

As you begin to challenge these distortions, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts you recognize and the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  •  Catastrophizing:  With this distortion, all things become epic disasters (at least in your head).  When we catastrophize, a poor grade on a test becomes a wasted semester.  An unanswered phone-call becomes a break-up, a death, or some sort of missing person scenario.  Stomach pain becomes an aggressive cancerous tumor, and being late for a meeting becomes certain termination and chronic unemployment.

Challenging Catastrophizing:  This negative fortune-telling often stems from the question, “What if…?”  One solution is to answer the “what if…” question in a way that is NOT distressing.  The poor grade on the test merely means some additional studying on the next test.  The unanswered phone call is because of a mid-afternoon nap or a phone that was incapacitated due to being dropped in the toilet.  More important than making a more optimistic prediction is the recognition that the assumptions we make are nothing more than creative thinking, a short-story brainstorming session, a fiction writing workshop. There is no need to respond (emotionally or otherwise) as if those thoughts/prediction/assumptions are reality.  If you “just know” something horrible is going to happy, you’re likely catastrophizing and would benefit from loosening your grip on the negative narrative.

  • Mental Filter:  An oil filter removes foreign objects to keep your engine running smoothly.  A pool filter keeps the water free of debris, allowing you to enjoy a cool dip in pristine water.  The distorted mental filter, however, leaves you with only the gunk, eliminating the helpful, supportive, validating thoughts necessary for us to flourish. There are two major types of filter and they are often applied together.  Both are frequently self-directed, but they can be just as harmful in interpersonal relationships.
    1. Focusing on the negative:  One version of this filter effortlessly and automatically hones in on all the worst aspects of any experience.  Did you misspell one word in that 10-page assignment?  The negative mental filter focuses in on that solitary mistake and shouts “FAILURE” rather that embracing the accomplishment of completing a lengthy assignment (even if there were a few mistakes).  A great evening out with your spouse may go down the tubes because of a 5-minute conflict or one awkward moment.  One small piece of constructive feedback from a boss after heaping praise on you?  Focusing on the negative has you believing the boss is going to fire you (or at least hoping you quit).
    2. Dismissing the positive:  This form of the mental filter often goes hand-in-hand with a negative focus…but it doesn’t even require you to make an actual mistake or have an uncomfortable experience.  When you’re automatic response to a compliment is, “You’re just being nice” or “You don’t really mean that.”  You’re viewing life through this filter.  When you win the gold medal and follow it with a “Yeah, but….” you’re becoming more effective at diluting, dismissing, rejecting, and otherwise avoiding the joyful experiences in your life.  Dismissing the positive means you don’t receive, in any genuine way, the validation, recognition, or appreciation being offered in your daily interactions.

Challenging the Mental Filter:  When you find yourself focusing on the negative, strive for balance – the ability to identify and embrace the dichotomy inherent in everything.  KEYWORD = AND.  “I wrote a great paper AND there were a couple mistakes.”  “My supervisor likes my customer service AND I’ve still got a few things to learn about the computer system.”  To challenge the tendency to dismiss the positive, work on providing yourself a little more validation, recognition, and appreciation on your own terms.  Find a reason to pat yourself on the back.  If you’re not that impressed with winning the gold medal, congratulate yourself on the hard work and commitment the award symbolizes.  Just find the reason.  Some days that reason is small – getting out of bed, eating something besides Doritos for breakfast, or just brushing your teeth.  Don’t let the relative simplicity of the task stop you from celebrating the accomplishment.  When other people compliment you or want to recognize your greatness in some way, say “thank you,” and refrain from discrediting their high opinion of you*.  Also see ‘Coach or Critic‘ for more thoughts on how be be a little less self-critical.

*This pertains to compliments and positive feedback delivered in a respectful way by well meaning individuals.  “Compliments” in the form of cat-calls or unsolicited objectification can be summarily ignored, redirected, rejected or confronted as necessary.

 

Next time, we’ll breakdown how Black-and-White Thinking and Mind-reading can get us into trouble

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Personal Identity in Five Questions

 

Philosophers have been working since the dawn of time to determine the meaning of life, to understand the purpose of human existence.  We’ll leave the existential questions to the philosophers.  Let’s tackle something slightly less complex (but still perplexing at times).  Seeking and finding personal identity be an exhausting quest.  It requires some reflection and meaningful deliberation, but identity can effectively be boiled down to five questions.

What’s your name?

What’s title best describes your role?

What larger community do you affiliate yourself with?

What pain has shaped you?

What’s achievement or value drives you through life?

Full disclosure – I pulled these questions from a movie, Glatiador (2001).  As you can see in the text below, Maximus states his name, his professional titles in the military.  He pledges his allegiance to Marcus Aurelius then describes the trauma he has suffered before proclaiming his primary mission in life is vengeance*.

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

The video provides context for the scene, making it clear that Maximus, by sharing his personal identity, has literally put his life at risk.  His titles, affiliations, traumas, and his purpose put him at risk to be murdered.  Even now, there are people that put themselves in harms way when sharing their authentic identity. Associating with certain religions, sexual orientations, and beliefs can (and does) put people of risk of being assaulted and killed in some situations.

 

Even if you won’t be physically harmed, professing affiliations and core motivations leaves you at risk.  To be authentic is to be vulnerable.  You make yourself vulnerable to social judgement, ridicule, and marginalization. People can use your pain and ambitions to manipulate or hurt you.  While these risks are real, there is great value in sharing your authentic self.

Without embracing your identity, without sharing it with others, it becomes almost impossible to cultivate genuine social connections.  Relationships remain superficial until both people involved are vulnerable and authentic.  The five questions listed above are important for understanding yourself, but the answers become infinitely more powerful when you gain the courage to share them with the people around you.  Could you share that identity with your friends?  Your family?  Your coworkers? A stranger on the street?  A stadium full of people?  To share yourself completely is to accept completely and to trust completely.  Are you ready for that?

*Revenge is an extremely popular plot device; however, it rarely leads to healthy mental and emotional functioning outside of these fictional stories.