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Can Treating My Mood Disorder Be a Little More Fun?

I have to admit that most treatment workbooks are dry… sometimes even boring.  I can recognize several problems with this.

  1.  Even people that are engaged, motivated, energetic, and generally not struggling with their mood are unlikely to get excited workbooks.
  2. Mood disorders (depression and anxiety among others) can make it difficult to concentrate and process information effectively, limiting the usefulness of workbooks.
  3. Most workbooks are designed by therapists.  That usually means the content is pretty solid; unfortunately, therapists are necessarily the greatest and creating engaging materials.

Despite those points, I do like clients to have a tangible resource, something with clear guidelines that they can reach for when they’re ready to work on their mental well-being.  I don’t want to rely entirely on what they remember from our sessions (see number two above).  I’d like to have some options that are a little less dusty.

Many other health initiatives have worked to make themselves more appealing to a general audience.  There are mainstream marketing campaigns for smoking cessation.  There are commercials airing nationwide and streaming online for healthier food options, working to convince people that food can be healthy and delicious. REI wants me to #optoutside. Even the CDC provides colorful infographics online.  They make TV shows immortalizing and glorifying people’s journeys of weight loss and improved fitness (the problems with these programs will have to wait for another blog)

Mental health seems to be a harder sell.   There is no mental health treatment equivalent to Zumba.  The’s no cutting vegetables into fun shapes to make sure we’re having fun while eating healthy.  I’m starting to sound pretty pessimistic, but there’s hope.

Some people have taken it upon themselves to focus on the delivery just as much as the content.  I’ve shared Jane McGonigal’s work with Superbetter previously and haven’t found a better example of gamifying recovery anywhere.  One example of applying the concept of producing an engaging intervention in the written form is a collaboration between clinician Russ Harris and illustrator Bev Aisbett.  The result was The Illustrated Happiness Trap and it’s great for those interested specifically in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

A more recent discovery, and probably the more effective example of making a mental health recovery book fun is Rock Steady: Brilliant Advice from My Bipolar Life by graphic artist Ellen Forney.  With humor, pragmatism, and clever visuals she translates the dry academic wisdom of clinicians into something very relatable, accessible, and manageable.  Her book is built upon her experiences with managing her own bipolar disorder.  She acknowledges the struggles inherent associated with emotion regulation and self-care and delivers clinically sound advice.  According to Forney, the foundation of health can be boiled down into SMEDMERTS! (Sleep, Medication, Eating (well), Doctor, Mindfulness, Exercise, Routine, Tools, and Support).  The acronym is solid and the mascot is even better.

If workbooks or traditional self-help books aren’t for you, don’t give up hope.  There is more and more diversity in the options for a structured resource that can help you when you’re not with your therapist.  If you’ve got other suggestions, comment below.

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Stop Telling People Not to Worry!

I go through some version of this with nearly every client I meet with.

Client: I feel (insert feeling) and (insert self-defeating thought) keeps running through my head 

Me: Has anyone ever told you to stop feeling that or thinking that?

Client: Yes 

Me: Has it ever worked?  Do you stop thinking or feeling that way?

Client: No!  It never works. 

Me:  Do you ever try to tell yourself ‘just stop’?

Client: Yeah. 

Me: Does that ever work?

Client: No. 

Me:  Okay.  I’m never going to expect you to just stop thinking or just stop feeling anything.

Client: Good.

 

That may sound familiar. Now,  let’s break things down a bit.

Phrases like “don’t worry” or “you don’t have to be angry about this” or “just stop being so sad all the time” can be said with great intentions.  Parents, friends, and spouses want to alleviate pain.  They don’t want to watch their loved ones suffer, so they tell you not to suffer (presumably for your own good).  As the example above illustrates, this never really works.  No one really ever hears the words “don’t worry” then instantly refrains from worrying.  There is no direct switch for thoughts and feelings, so telling someone to stop or change them with any sense of immediacy puts them in a bad spot.  This is especially true when individuals are combating symptoms of depression and anxiety.

When they’re worried, they’re worried.  When they’re worried and they’ve been told to stop (in any myriad of ways), they find themselves in a situation where they’re suffering from their worries AND from their failure to stop worrying.  These well-intentioned comments aimed at reducing suffering can actually have the opposite effect, intensifying the distress despite the great intentions.

What’s a better alternative when you recognize someone you care about it struggling?  What can you provide for others and what can you ask for when you’re facing a challenge?

  1. Acknowledge the emotion/concern/suffering:  It sounds like you’re really worried and feeling overwhelmed about this new position.
  2. Find ways to agree:  There’s a lot to worry about when you’re starting a new job.
  3. Offer support:  Is there anything I can do to help?
  4. Solidify Support/Offer specific support: I’m here for you if you need anything.  Can I help distract you for a while?  Can I tell you about a time I felt worried?  Can I give you a hug?
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Lessons from Shel #428: Avoiding Fear Cripples Us

Fear

Barnabus Browning
Was scared of drowning,
So he never would swim
Or get into  a boat
Or take a bath
Or cross a moat.
He just sat day and night
With his door locked tight
And the windows nailed down,
Shaking with fear
That a wave might appear,
And cried so many tears
That they filled up the room
And he drowned.

By: Shel Silverstein, from A Light in the Attic

 

Our efforts to protect ourselves and those we care about from fear are often more destructive than the feared situation.  Barnabus Browning did everything he could to avoid drowning.  In doing so, he eliminated his own access to 71% of the Earth’s surface.  Even if he didn’t cry “so many tears that they filled up the room and he drowned,” Barnabus restricted himself to his home – No pleasure cruises.  No surfing. No island retreats. No beautiful ocean sunsets, No lazy Sundays fishing off a dock.  No triathalon finishes.  It’s not actually the fear that stops Barnabus from engaging in these activities, it’s his avoidance of the fear.  If he were willing to be scared, willing to lean into it and learn from it, he could do all of it.

Only through changing our relationship with fear can we teach ourselves that it’s a manageable emotion rather than something that has to be avoided.  Every time we tell ourselves, “I’ll do it once I get over my fear,” we’re indulging in unnecessary avoidance that perpetuates the the idea that we can’t (or shouldn’t) be afraid.  It’s fine to be scared and do it anyway, whatever “it” happens to be.  Allowing fear to dictate decisions only fuels fear and restricts our experiences.

 

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Why is Happiness So Elusive?

It’s fairly safe to generalize and say that everyone wants to be happy.  Happiness is a comfortable, pleasant emotion.  No one has ever said, “Man, I’ve been happy forever.  It would be nice to have just a few days of sadness.”

So why do so few people seem to genuinely arrive at this elusive happy place?  There are many reasons, but most of them are unknown to the layperson, and even after explaining the problems, most people won’t do what it actually takes to cultivate happiness.

First problem is that we talk about happiness as if it is a permanent state of being rather than the fleeting emotional experience that it actually is.  It’s discussed as an end goal rather than a temporary state of being.  If true happiness is the persistent absence of all uncomfortable emotions…it becomes an impossible state to reach.  This problem creates a dilemma where the pursuit of happiness results in perpetual failure, effectively reducing happiness.  Ouch!

Another problem is that our minds have the capacity to predict how we’ll feel in a particular situation.  All the “If I owned…”  “If I could just…” “If they would only…” scenarios get played out in our heads and make it easy to assume that we could be happy give the right circumstances.  Unfortunately, we consistently overvalue our predictions, and tend to think things will make us happier than they actually do.  This over-reliance on faulty prediction sets us up to feel disappointed rather than happy.  Ouch again!

On top of that, we have become a culture full of choices and information.  That becomes problematic when we’re give the opportunity to evaluate options and make choices.  Most proper evaluations examine both sides of each option, highlight the pros and cons of all potential choices.   While this analysis can ensure wise and responsible choices, it can also undermine happiness.  By spending the time to create the pros and cons list, we highlight the negative aspects of whatever choice we make while also highlighting the positive aspects of the alternative choices.  It’s like there’s no winning here.

So what’s the remedy.  Well, we can’t cover all our basis, but lets address the key factors I’ve already brought up.  Do your best to accept that happiness is simply an emotion not a permanent destination.  Work to visit often but don’t expect to stay.  Recognize that your predictions about what will make you happy are probably wrong.  You’ll be better off cultivate appreciation for what you have rather than trying to gather more things.  Minimize or eliminate choice wherever you can, then focus on developing genuine gratitude for the choices you’ve made.  Reduce the criticism and judgment and look for all the things you can appreciate.

Dan Gilbert can walk you through some great research on this topic in his TED talk.

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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: Part 5

So far we have explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Then,  it was on to Emotional Reasoning and Should Statements. Last time we examined the destructive nature of unnecessary Personalization and the “ALWAYS” scary False Permanence

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier perceptions of your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  • Blaming:  This particular distorted thinking pattern is a sneaky one.  It infiltrates common language usage on a daily basis.  Any time you use “________ makes me feel _______,” you’re using a form of blame to distance yourself from the emotional experience.  “You make me so angry” is a statement that blames someone else for your emotional experience.  Blame (like should) carries inherent judgment which can be personally and interpersonally destructive.  Blaming others in this away also pushes you away from other people, creating conflict rather than resolution.  Blame isn’t just for emotions though.

Blame is an equally damaging distortion when applied to our own behaviors.  “They made me do it” is a harmful way to escape the discomfort of personal responsibility; however, if others are in control of how you feel and what you do….the whole world becomes very unpredictable and unstable.  If you’re in the habit of blaming other people, or even circumstances, for your emotions and behavior, it creates a mentality that falsely absolves you of personal responsibility and strips your sense of self-efficacy.  Blaming, therefore, becomes a backhanded attack on your own capacity to validate your emotions and manage your behaviors.  If everyone/everything is always responsible…you can never feel successful.

Blame also paints you into a corner in terms of personal identity.  Blame creates a narrative with only one identity – righteous victim.  This role can protect you from vulnerability.  It can mask feelings of pain and helplessness with righteous anger, but people can also get stuck in that role, remaining hurt, powerless, and angry.

Challenging Blaming: The simple answer?  Stop blaming other people or circumstances for your feelings and conditions.  Clearly, the solution is more complex than that, but it’s a good place to start.  Start by rephrasing the way you express emotions.  “That movie made me sad” becomes “I feel sad when I watch movies about true love.”  Work to be consistent in your expression and start with “I feel ______ when _________.”  The difference may seem subtle, but the language we use (even in our own heads) has a huge impact on how we experience the world around us.  “You make me so mad” becomes “I feel angry when it seems like you’re ignoring me.”  Work to observe your feelings and circumstances without judgment or blame, and look for values-based actions you can take to move toward solutions.  Reflect, share, or journal to validate your emotions, and practice acceptance of those emotions without blame.  Create a narrative that acknowledges your personal choices as well as your capacity to make different choices moving forward.  Choose to build a personal identity consistent with the competent and capable individual that you are, and avoid falling into the “righteous victim” role.

  • Magical Thinking:  Magical Thinking distorts thoughts by shouting “TRUTH!” to the adage, “the grass is always greener…”  This type of thinking establishes false hope and wastes energy as people chase after frivolous, empty goals.  It often postpones meaningful action and shifts attention away from effectiveness.  Happiness or success or some version of those two is perpetually at your fingertips or just an arm’s length away.  “If I lost 10 pounds I’d be happy.”  “If I had a new boss, I’d love my job.” “If I could just move away for a while, everything would be different.”  The examples are endless, “If only he would….If only she said…If only they did…If only I was…”  In the meantime, while you wait for things and people around you to change, you’ve remained unhappy and stagnant.  Or perhaps you’ve exhausted yourself trying to make those things happen, only to find that checking that box didn’t deliver happiness at all.  Finding contentment in life will never be about checking a box, accomplishing a goal, or attaining some external status.  Contentment comes from a way of being, an internal shift in how you perceive and experience the world around you.  Magical thinking works to convince you of the opposite.

Challenging Magical Thinking: Work with what you have.  Remind yourself that contentment is not just around the corner, but can be achieved regardless of the current circumstances, and happiness, just like all emotions is not a permanent destination.  Use “if only” as a red-flag that prompts you to rewrite the script.  “If only I lost 10lbs, I could be happy with how I look” becomes “My body is amazing just how it is…and I’m setting a goal to eat more vegetables and exercise three days a week.  I know that my mind and body feel better when I’m eating a nutritious diet and working out regularly.”  Success no longer hinges on the external outcome.  Allow yourself to be successful in the process, focusing on HOW you work toward a goal rather than arriving at the destination.  Acknowledge your efforts in-the-moment and evaluate success based on the way you engage rather than the long-term outcome.  “I would have been so happy if only I got an A in that class” changes to “I’m proud of the student I was last term even though I didn’t get an A.”  The focus shifts to how – with commitment, dedication, and effort – rather than what.  Magical Thinking takes you out of the present moment, so the challenge is to remain in the present and focus on taking values-based actions…and allow that to be an accomplishment you can celebrate.

You can find a downloadable PDF outline of all ten of the most common distorted thinking patterns here: Top Ten Distorted Thinking Patterns.

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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: Part 4

In the first three installments we explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Then,  it was on to Emotional Reasoning and Should Statements.  Today we cover Personalization and False Permanence

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  • Personalization:  Not every mistake is your fault, and even if it is your fault, it doesn’t mean you’re bad, stupid, or incompetent.  Personalization begs to differ.  This distorted thinking pattern tells you that every misstep is attributable to you as a person; every mistake in your life is indicative of some shame-inducing character flaw.  It tells you that when your kids misbehave at school, it means you’re horrible parents.  When we don’t get invited to the party, it’s because we’re worthless.  When we get rained on it’s because the world hates us.  Personalization invites us to take every perceived slight, criticism, or inconvenience as an attack on our humanity.  A disagreement is an insult.  A furrowed brow is a harsh judgment of your decisions.  This distortion can also be flipped towards others and generally wreaks havoc on interpersonal relationships.  If you assign global characteristics based on isolated behaviors, you’re likely to create patterns of judgment and criticism.  If forgetting to feed the dog means your partner is an idiot, you’re relationship is in trouble.  If arriving late means your in-laws are inconsiderate and selfish, it’s going to be tough to fully enjoy Thanksgiving dinner.

Challenging Personalization: While I encourage everyone to take personal responsibility for their own decisions, challenging personalization requires a clear line to be drawn between what is and isn’t you’re responsibility.  More important than taking responsibility only for yourself, is the practice of attributing consequences accurately.  What does that mean?  It means we all need to practice explaining circumstance, situations, and other people’s choices is a way that is not destructive to our own sense of self-worth.  Attribute random events (birds pooped on your car, the bus was late, you were cut off in traffic) to the lottery of the universe.  No more.  No less.  Recognize that no one is out to get you.  The birds don’t have it out for you.  God doesn’t hate you.  It didn’t happen because you are inherently bad or deserving of misfortune.  Work to accept the fact that poop happens – even to good people.  Attribute apparent personal attacks appropriately too. When your friend, partner, child, coworker, or some stranger is having a bad day and treating you poorly, it doesn’t mean that you’re being a horrible person.  Assess our own behavior, and make necessary course corrections, but don’t assume that their bad day means that you’re inadequate.  In concrete terms, describe the situation, validate your emotional experience, resist, refute, or redirect when global labels pop up, then take decisive values-based action.

For example, if I’m not invited to the party…

Rather than beating myself up because I’m clearly a worthless friend (that’s distorted personalization) that no one wants to be around (and that’s mind-reading), I 1) describe the situation (without judgment): I wanted to go to the party and I didn’t get invited, 2) validate my experience: I feel hurt, lonely, and rejected…it’s painful, 3) take values based action:  I value my health and challenges, so I’ll take this time to jump on the treadmill.  Notice the lack of judgmental name-calling directed at myself or the host of the party.  Also, no assumptions were made about anyone’s intentions.

  • False Permanence:  One sure way to create stress, anxiety, hopelessness, and despair is indulging in the distorted concept of false permanence.  This particular pattern often appears as a combination of black-and-white thinking and catastrophizing along with a paralyzing perception of permanence.  It’s clear how this type of false permanence could lead to emotional discomfort.  “Everything is bad and it always will be!” sets you on a clear path to hopelessness and despair.  If we eliminate the possibility of change, the current circumstance can never improve; we can never grow; our efforts to initiate change will feel worthless.

Conversely, falsely assuming positive experiences and emotions will remain permanent can also lead to significant distress.  “Everything is perfect and always will be!” can set you up to fall hard when changes occur.  The lack of psychological flexibility is at the core of this distortion.  Clinging to any moment with an unwillingness to accept change will result in unnecessary suffering.

Challenging False Permanence: Accept the present moment and embrace the certainty of change.  Whether the experience is comfortable or uncomfortable, work to accept it as it is, letting go of expectations (especially judgmental expectations).  Mindfulness exercises can help build the skills necessary for nonjudgmental observations.  In conjunction with the effort to accept, embrace some version of the mantra “Nothing is forever,” “This too shall pass,” “Change is inevitable,” or “Live for the possibilities of today.”  In other words, actively remind yourself that your reality IS NOT permanent.  Throughout this process it’s important to be kind and compassionate with yourself, working to avoid other thought distortions, while encouraging yourself and seeking healthy support.

As you challenge this particular pattern, be careful to apply it to only to your mental or emotional experiences.  There are certain aspects of life that are permanent.  Certain types of loss, such as death, are permanent, and that is not a distortion.  The thoughts and feelings associated with those losses, however, are fluid and ever changing.  It can be easy to fall into the trap of connecting the real permanence of death with false permanence of the emotional experience.  This comes up with many permanent or mostly-permanent losses – death, break-ups, job loss, relocations, etc.  Even if these changes are permanent, the emotional experience never is.  It always changes.  Challenging this pattern is about recognizing, anticipating, and appreciating the ups and downs we’ll all face.

Next up, we’ll tackle Blaming and Magical Thinking, and we will have gotten through all ten of the most common distorted thinking patterns.  Part five will also include a downloadable PDF compiling all of the blog posts.

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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: 2

Last time we focused on one distortion that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever.  Today we’ll explore black-and-white thinking and mind-reading.  We’re on our way to covering all ten…but tackling two at a time seems halfway reasonable.  There was a time when these distorted thinking patterns were referred to as “irrational” thoughts.  While I understand the technical absence of rationale inherent in these thought patterns, “irrational” carries some significant negative connotation.  It’s often an accusation or an insult – “Ughhh!  Stop being so irrational!” or “If you weren’t being so irrational…”  This negative connotation and these types of comments are disproportionately directed at women, but in my experience, men are just as likely to fall into these “irrational” patterns as women.  In order to start from a place from equality (less accusatory and insulting), let’s stick with referring to these extremely normal, yet unhelpful, thought patterns as “distorted.”

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanance
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  •  Black and White Thinking: This distorted lens can create false dichotomies in any and every situation.  It polarizes every effort, every person, and every experience.  This means that your workout was either AMAZING or absolute MISERABLE.  You looked PERFECT or HORRID.  You’re a great parent or an abject failure.  You’re the best or your nothing.  Your goals DOMINATED or you FAILED.  This distortion also seems to mandate the use of absolute language.  Whenever you hear “always”, “never”, or “everytime”, you’re likely dealing with black-and-white thinking.  Spending too much time thinking this way can easily lead to hopelessness – it becomes almost impossible to feel successful.

Challenging Black and White Thinking:  You may see some significant similarities with the Mental Filter problem.  These two distortions go together.  By filtering out all positive aspects of person, thing, or experience, it quickly becomes an extremely negative version of itself.  Black-and-White thinking confirms and amplifies the contrast between your hopes and your reality.  Your task is to find the gentle middle ground in-between the harsh extremes.  Acknowledge that you weren’t perfect or horrid; your workout wasn’t amazing or miserable.  Most things are someplace in between.  Allow for (and even cultivate) more complex perceptions.  Actively identify the aspects that are going well and the ones that aren’t – incorporate both sides, and avoid the absolutes.  If your mind give you a “never” or “always,” recognize it for what it is, and start to celebrate the successes that will almost certainly be found in the middle-ground.

  • Mind-Reading:  I’d like to believe that if I had the capacity to read minds, I would use it for more than confirming people’s negative perceptions of me.  Unfortunately, this distortion takes the concept of mind-reading to very dark places.  The mind-reading distortion allows us to be fully hooked into the assumptions we make about what others are thinking.  We become certain about their intentions and how they really feel.  It may be something straightforward like, “She thinks I’m stupid” or “He hates me.”  Throw in a few additional layers of social networking and mind-reading becomes extremely complicate and messy.  It can destroy relationships and lead to a sense of constant social pressure when the assumptions are self-critical.  A wave and a smile becomes a sinister ruse aimed at tricking you into foolishly desiring a friendship you don’t deserve (insert evil laugh)!!!  Or…maybe it was just a smile and a wave.

Challenging Mind-Reading:  It wouldn’t be responsible for me to tell you to just stop doing it.  I’ll try to be a bit more helpful.  A large factor in challenging this distortion is simply becoming aware of when you’re doing it and then not buying into the story.  If you’re well practiced at mind-reading (many of us are), the information that was gathered telepathically immediately becomes integrated into the mental narrative as fact.  Recognizing where the information came from can loosen the “fact” label significantly. Ask yourself, do I know this or am I assuming it? When in doubt, stick with external observations.  What did they DO?  What words did they say?  List what you observed, making sure it’s free of assumptions or judgments, then respond accordingly.  They smiled and waved, now I will smile and wave.

Alternatively many times you can just ask what someone is thinking or feeling.  You might say, “I noticed you were scowling, and I’m a little worried you’re upset about something I did.”  No need to assume.  If you insist on assuming, and creating a narrative based on those assumptions, the very least you can do, is build and interesting and helpful narrative rather than one that is destructive and critical.

 

Next we’ll cover Emotional Reasoning and, one of my personal favorites, Shoulding

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IT’S A TRAP! 10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns

We all get ourselves a little twisted sometimes.  I start to think the world will collapse if I miss the trailers that run before the movie starts at the theater.  I question my ability to function as an adult when I occasionally falter in completing my responsibilities (as a parent, business owner, therapist, etc.).  Sometimes, I blame others, complain unnecessarily, and make utterly unhelpful assumptions about my circumstances and the people around me. In summary, I can simply say…I am human.  My mind carries me to places that create and amplify distress without regard to reality.  My thoughts become distorted and I suffer the consequences.  The examples above are a few common iterations of distorted thinking.  Over the next few weeks, I’ll breakdown some of the more destructive patterns and offer tips on how to manage these ten beasts:

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanance
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

As you begin to challenge these distortions, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts you recognize and the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  •  Catastrophizing:  With this distortion, all things become epic disasters (at least in your head).  When we catastrophize, a poor grade on a test becomes a wasted semester.  An unanswered phone-call becomes a break-up, a death, or some sort of missing person scenario.  Stomach pain becomes an aggressive cancerous tumor, and being late for a meeting becomes certain termination and chronic unemployment.

Challenging Catastrophizing:  This negative fortune-telling often stems from the question, “What if…?”  One solution is to answer the “what if…” question in a way that is NOT distressing.  The poor grade on the test merely means some additional studying on the next test.  The unanswered phone call is because of a mid-afternoon nap or a phone that was incapacitated due to being dropped in the toilet.  More important than making a more optimistic prediction is the recognition that the assumptions we make are nothing more than creative thinking, a short-story brainstorming session, a fiction writing workshop. There is no need to respond (emotionally or otherwise) as if those thoughts/prediction/assumptions are reality.  If you “just know” something horrible is going to happy, you’re likely catastrophizing and would benefit from loosening your grip on the negative narrative.

  • Mental Filter:  An oil filter removes foreign objects to keep your engine running smoothly.  A pool filter keeps the water free of debris, allowing you to enjoy a cool dip in pristine water.  The distorted mental filter, however, leaves you with only the gunk, eliminating the helpful, supportive, validating thoughts necessary for us to flourish. There are two major types of filter and they are often applied together.  Both are frequently self-directed, but they can be just as harmful in interpersonal relationships.
    1. Focusing on the negative:  One version of this filter effortlessly and automatically hones in on all the worst aspects of any experience.  Did you misspell one word in that 10-page assignment?  The negative mental filter focuses in on that solitary mistake and shouts “FAILURE” rather that embracing the accomplishment of completing a lengthy assignment (even if there were a few mistakes).  A great evening out with your spouse may go down the tubes because of a 5-minute conflict or one awkward moment.  One small piece of constructive feedback from a boss after heaping praise on you?  Focusing on the negative has you believing the boss is going to fire you (or at least hoping you quit).
    2. Dismissing the positive:  This form of the mental filter often goes hand-in-hand with a negative focus…but it doesn’t even require you to make an actual mistake or have an uncomfortable experience.  When you’re automatic response to a compliment is, “You’re just being nice” or “You don’t really mean that.”  You’re viewing life through this filter.  When you win the gold medal and follow it with a “Yeah, but….” you’re becoming more effective at diluting, dismissing, rejecting, and otherwise avoiding the joyful experiences in your life.  Dismissing the positive means you don’t receive, in any genuine way, the validation, recognition, or appreciation being offered in your daily interactions.

Challenging the Mental Filter:  When you find yourself focusing on the negative, strive for balance – the ability to identify and embrace the dichotomy inherent in everything.  KEYWORD = AND.  “I wrote a great paper AND there were a couple mistakes.”  “My supervisor likes my customer service AND I’ve still got a few things to learn about the computer system.”  To challenge the tendency to dismiss the positive, work on providing yourself a little more validation, recognition, and appreciation on your own terms.  Find a reason to pat yourself on the back.  If you’re not that impressed with winning the gold medal, congratulate yourself on the hard work and commitment the award symbolizes.  Just find the reason.  Some days that reason is small – getting out of bed, eating something besides Doritos for breakfast, or just brushing your teeth.  Don’t let the relative simplicity of the task stop you from celebrating the accomplishment.  When other people compliment you or want to recognize your greatness in some way, say “thank you,” and refrain from discrediting their high opinion of you*.  Also see ‘Coach or Critic‘ for more thoughts on how be be a little less self-critical.

*This pertains to compliments and positive feedback delivered in a respectful way by well meaning individuals.  “Compliments” in the form of cat-calls or unsolicited objectification can be summarily ignored, redirected, rejected or confronted as necessary.

 

Next time, we’ll breakdown how Black-and-White Thinking and Mind-reading can get us into trouble

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Avoidance: The Burden of Dodging Burdens

Avoidance (and attempted avoidance) is one of the biggest sources of mental and emotional distress.  Avoidance may offer some immediate gratification, a sense of escape and relief.  You may even feel victorious if you’ve dodged a stressful task for another day or compartmentalized an emotion for another week.  That sense of relief becomes a powerful reinforcer of avoidance, and it’s easy to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of ducking and dodging the discomfort of actually doing.

Avoidance of uncomfortable situations, for all it’s real short-term benefits, can lead to very serious skills deficits.  Imagine the uncomfortable situation is swimming.  Plenty of people are scared of swimming.  One strategy for managing this fear is avoidance.  “If I never get in the water, I’ll be fine.”  There’s truth in that statement.  Avoidance works if the primary goal is to avoid feeling fear/anxiety//etc.  If the goal, however, is to be safer or feel safer near water, avoidance can’t get you there.  If the goal is to learn to swim, avoidance is the least effective thing you can do.

This provides a clear example of avoidance in action.  In our day-to-day lives, avoidance may be much more subtle.  You may avoid a conversation or an email.  You may avoid a place or a task.  You may work to avoid a thought or a feeling.  These efforts to avoid almost always waste energy, consuming your capacity to pursue what you want while you’re busy running from the discomfort in your life.  The brain’s ability to rationalize and justify is put to full use, and countless explanations (excuses) are created to support the decision to avoid.

Common Avoidance Strategies

“I’ll do it later.” is a classic justification for procrastinators around the world. “I’ll do it after ________.” is another easy way to avoid actual engagement in a task.  Netflix has been a boon to avoiders everywhere.

“I can’t do it.” is the rallying cry for people avoiding academic assignments, exercise, crucial conversations, and every other uncomfortable task.  A close cousin to the “I can’t do it” form of avoidance is the “I don’t have time” statement.  You can do, and you can make time.  The more honest statement is…”I’m not willing to suffer the consequences of doing it.”

“I’ll get more prepared instead.” is a slightly more sophisticated way to avoid – choosing, perhaps, the lessor of two uncomfortable endeavors.  “I’ll read a book about how to swim instead.”  I can assure you that no one ever felt safe and confident in the water without actually getting in the water.  This strategy of avoidance is common in high achievers and those that are reliant on knowledge for comfort.  Gaining more knowledge about a topic can be way to avoid the doing and to avoid the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that come with doing.  It’s a very strong, rational justification for avoidance….but it’s still avoidance.

Stop Avoiding, Get Engaged

Depending on the sophistication of your avoidance, you may face some serious challenges in recognizing and overcoming the habit.  You can start by asking these simple questions:

“Why is this important to me?” If you’re avoiding something, you’ve given yourself more reasons (or at least more important reasons) to NOT do it than TO do it.  Once you see patterns of avoidance popping up, look at what you’re avoiding, and focus on the justification for doing it.  Our swimmer might start by saying they value personal growth and challenge.  They can remind themselves that they want to be a playmate and protector to their water-loving children.  Regardless of the “why,” make sure it’s readily available when you’re faced with the urge to avoid.

“What can I do?”  By using all the horsepower in your brain to answer an affirmative, action-oriented question, you disengage from avoidance and start moving toward the goal.  Be a problem-solver.  Brainstorm until you have some specific actions that can move you toward the desired goal or value.  If you discover the avoidance continues…just ask the question again until you start taking action.

“What am I willing to experience?”  Let’s be honest, some experiences are going to be uncomfortable, and we’re not going to eliminate all unpleasantness from life.  So ask yourself what thoughts, emotions, urges, and sensations you’re willing to deal with to engage in life and do what you want to do.  In the example above, our fearful swimmer may want to acknowledge…”I’m willing to think I don’t need to swim.  I’m willing to be scared.  I’m willing to have the urge to runaway, and I’m willing to sweat from my palms.”  If they’re willing to experience all that and still get in the pool for lesson #1, they can overcome avoidance.  Read more about the tricky business of willingness here.

 

 

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Skills I’d Rather Not Have: Inventing Catastrophe

We’re generally more attuned to potential dangers, to things that can harm us or put our lives at risk.  Our brains have been honed to see the snake in the grass, the poisonous berry, the lurking enemy, and the loose step.  In facing these threats, we fill-in any gaps of knowledge with a narrative that makes sense.  We want to create some certainty in a precarious situation, and we do that by creating stories to make all the pieces fit.  Based on observations and the emotional experience, what makes the most sense?  When we’re hurt, scared, or otherwise suffering, that narrative turns dark quickly.  The driver in front of you that failed to use their blinker (you recognize the potential danger and now feel mildly scared) gets caught up in a narrative that completes the story of “The idiot that tried to kill me and is probably the worst driver in the world because why would anyone not use their blinker……etc.”  This explanation justifies the fear.  If the narrative was, “That responsible driver had a minor oversight in the application of normal safety protocols, but it didn’t really impact my safety in the grand scheme of things” the fear would have no rational explanation.

Our internal narrative acts to justify our emotional responses, to explain them, to make them more predictable. Unfortunately, these justifications often only serve to intensify and/or prolong the emotions.  This effect of emotional amplification is common when we try to rationalize, control, or judge our our emotional experiences.

In our heads, the airplane turbulence quickly become a failing engine.  The coughing child is informally diagnosed with tuberculosis.  The angry boss is definitely making plans to fire half the department. Perceived threats lead to fear, fear motivates the need for an explanation, and our minds happily oblige, providing a narrative that is often unhelpful to say the least.

There are two primary approaches to managing this problem.

  1.  Change the narrative.  Take control over the story, and create a narrative that does NOT intensify or prolong the uncomfortable emotions.  It can be a reasonable alternative or a ridiculous exercise in creative writing.  Perhaps that turbulence is a slight breeze that will subside momentarily.  Or, it could be that Superman was flying along beside the plane and gave us a little nudge.  When you take control of the narrative, you can influence the emotional response.
  2. Accept the emotion.  Acknowledge the fear, observe the narrative, and work to let it be.  Let yourself be scared without a “reasonable” explanation. It’s okay to be scared when you hit turbulence (It’s always okay to be scared).  Allow yourself to complete this sentence “I’m scared and….”  You can be scared and imagine all the most horrible things that could happen during a plane crash (that’s what we want to avoid).  Alternatively, you can feel scared and take some controlled breaths.  You can feel scared and chat with the person next to you.  You can feel scared and play Tetris on your phone.  Engaging in actual behaviors can help move you out of the narrative in your head.

Both approaches go against the default strategies of most people, making them especially challenging to apply when facing a perceived threat.  It takes self-awareness and practice, but the benefits are ubiquitous.