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Can Treating My Mood Disorder Be a Little More Fun?

I have to admit that most treatment workbooks are dry… sometimes even boring.  I can recognize several problems with this.

  1.  Even people that are engaged, motivated, energetic, and generally not struggling with their mood are unlikely to get excited workbooks.
  2. Mood disorders (depression and anxiety among others) can make it difficult to concentrate and process information effectively, limiting the usefulness of workbooks.
  3. Most workbooks are designed by therapists.  That usually means the content is pretty solid; unfortunately, therapists are necessarily the greatest and creating engaging materials.

Despite those points, I do like clients to have a tangible resource, something with clear guidelines that they can reach for when they’re ready to work on their mental well-being.  I don’t want to rely entirely on what they remember from our sessions (see number two above).  I’d like to have some options that are a little less dusty.

Many other health initiatives have worked to make themselves more appealing to a general audience.  There are mainstream marketing campaigns for smoking cessation.  There are commercials airing nationwide and streaming online for healthier food options, working to convince people that food can be healthy and delicious. REI wants me to #optoutside. Even the CDC provides colorful infographics online.  They make TV shows immortalizing and glorifying people’s journeys of weight loss and improved fitness (the problems with these programs will have to wait for another blog)

Mental health seems to be a harder sell.   There is no mental health treatment equivalent to Zumba.  The’s no cutting vegetables into fun shapes to make sure we’re having fun while eating healthy.  I’m starting to sound pretty pessimistic, but there’s hope.

Some people have taken it upon themselves to focus on the delivery just as much as the content.  I’ve shared Jane McGonigal’s work with Superbetter previously and haven’t found a better example of gamifying recovery anywhere.  One example of applying the concept of producing an engaging intervention in the written form is a collaboration between clinician Russ Harris and illustrator Bev Aisbett.  The result was The Illustrated Happiness Trap and it’s great for those interested specifically in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

A more recent discovery, and probably the more effective example of making a mental health recovery book fun is Rock Steady: Brilliant Advice from My Bipolar Life by graphic artist Ellen Forney.  With humor, pragmatism, and clever visuals she translates the dry academic wisdom of clinicians into something very relatable, accessible, and manageable.  Her book is built upon her experiences with managing her own bipolar disorder.  She acknowledges the struggles inherent associated with emotion regulation and self-care and delivers clinically sound advice.  According to Forney, the foundation of health can be boiled down into SMEDMERTS! (Sleep, Medication, Eating (well), Doctor, Mindfulness, Exercise, Routine, Tools, and Support).  The acronym is solid and the mascot is even better.

If workbooks or traditional self-help books aren’t for you, don’t give up hope.  There is more and more diversity in the options for a structured resource that can help you when you’re not with your therapist.  If you’ve got other suggestions, comment below.

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Still Working to Find the Awesome

As a clinician, I’ve found that I have somewhat limited opportunities to create a tangible product.  I listen.  I talk.  I share recommendations and point people in the healthiest direction I can.  Occasionally, I am able to provide resources that I have created, and that lends some consistency to the work that I do with clients and it helps me feel as though I’m producing something.  I enjoy recreating handouts and relaxation exercises.  But if I’m being honest, regardless of the clinical content, I just like creating things that I can share with others.

I wouldn’t describe most of my recreational activities as ‘creative.’  I watch movies, hang out with friends, and get to the gym when I make time for it.  Over the years, however, I’ve recognized how important it is for me to have a product to show for my efforts.  Rather than picking up a paintbrush or a cookbook, I’ve found myself drawn to the digital arts.  The most recent iteration of that is a podcast where my co-host and I discuss the victories and struggles related to growing and getting stronger in our physical, mental, and emotional health.

In our most recent podcast, I was able to share some of my personal story.  I had a blast recounting the development of the ‘You Are Awesome‘ movement and how it’s changed my life.  It reminded me that I’ve grown and evolved.  The movement has grown and evolved.  And, it’s another example of how I’ve been drawn toward tangible outcomes (cards, t-shirts, stickers, magnets) despite the heady, intellectual, often-abstract field of psychology that I’ve made my profession.

If you care to listen to my latest creation, you can find it here or track it down through your podcasting subscription service of choice (iTunes, GoogleMusic, Spotify, Stitcher, etc.)

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Stop Telling People Not to Worry!

I go through some version of this with nearly every client I meet with.

Client: I feel (insert feeling) and (insert self-defeating thought) keeps running through my head 

Me: Has anyone ever told you to stop feeling that or thinking that?

Client: Yes 

Me: Has it ever worked?  Do you stop thinking or feeling that way?

Client: No!  It never works. 

Me:  Do you ever try to tell yourself ‘just stop’?

Client: Yeah. 

Me: Does that ever work?

Client: No. 

Me:  Okay.  I’m never going to expect you to just stop thinking or just stop feeling anything.

Client: Good.

 

That may sound familiar. Now,  let’s break things down a bit.

Phrases like “don’t worry” or “you don’t have to be angry about this” or “just stop being so sad all the time” can be said with great intentions.  Parents, friends, and spouses want to alleviate pain.  They don’t want to watch their loved ones suffer, so they tell you not to suffer (presumably for your own good).  As the example above illustrates, this never really works.  No one really ever hears the words “don’t worry” then instantly refrains from worrying.  There is no direct switch for thoughts and feelings, so telling someone to stop or change them with any sense of immediacy puts them in a bad spot.  This is especially true when individuals are combating symptoms of depression and anxiety.

When they’re worried, they’re worried.  When they’re worried and they’ve been told to stop (in any myriad of ways), they find themselves in a situation where they’re suffering from their worries AND from their failure to stop worrying.  These well-intentioned comments aimed at reducing suffering can actually have the opposite effect, intensifying the distress despite the great intentions.

What’s a better alternative when you recognize someone you care about it struggling?  What can you provide for others and what can you ask for when you’re facing a challenge?

  1. Acknowledge the emotion/concern/suffering:  It sounds like you’re really worried and feeling overwhelmed about this new position.
  2. Find ways to agree:  There’s a lot to worry about when you’re starting a new job.
  3. Offer support:  Is there anything I can do to help?
  4. Solidify Support/Offer specific support: I’m here for you if you need anything.  Can I help distract you for a while?  Can I tell you about a time I felt worried?  Can I give you a hug?
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Lessons from Shel #428: Avoiding Fear Cripples Us

Fear

Barnabus Browning
Was scared of drowning,
So he never would swim
Or get into  a boat
Or take a bath
Or cross a moat.
He just sat day and night
With his door locked tight
And the windows nailed down,
Shaking with fear
That a wave might appear,
And cried so many tears
That they filled up the room
And he drowned.

By: Shel Silverstein, from A Light in the Attic

 

Our efforts to protect ourselves and those we care about from fear are often more destructive than the feared situation.  Barnabus Browning did everything he could to avoid drowning.  In doing so, he eliminated his own access to 71% of the Earth’s surface.  Even if he didn’t cry “so many tears that they filled up the room and he drowned,” Barnabus restricted himself to his home – No pleasure cruises.  No surfing. No island retreats. No beautiful ocean sunsets, No lazy Sundays fishing off a dock.  No triathalon finishes.  It’s not actually the fear that stops Barnabus from engaging in these activities, it’s his avoidance of the fear.  If he were willing to be scared, willing to lean into it and learn from it, he could do all of it.

Only through changing our relationship with fear can we teach ourselves that it’s a manageable emotion rather than something that has to be avoided.  Every time we tell ourselves, “I’ll do it once I get over my fear,” we’re indulging in unnecessary avoidance that perpetuates the the idea that we can’t (or shouldn’t) be afraid.  It’s fine to be scared and do it anyway, whatever “it” happens to be.  Allowing fear to dictate decisions only fuels fear and restricts our experiences.

 

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Why is Happiness So Elusive?

It’s fairly safe to generalize and say that everyone wants to be happy.  Happiness is a comfortable, pleasant emotion.  No one has ever said, “Man, I’ve been happy forever.  It would be nice to have just a few days of sadness.”

So why do so few people seem to genuinely arrive at this elusive happy place?  There are many reasons, but most of them are unknown to the layperson, and even after explaining the problems, most people won’t do what it actually takes to cultivate happiness.

First problem is that we talk about happiness as if it is a permanent state of being rather than the fleeting emotional experience that it actually is.  It’s discussed as an end goal rather than a temporary state of being.  If true happiness is the persistent absence of all uncomfortable emotions…it becomes an impossible state to reach.  This problem creates a dilemma where the pursuit of happiness results in perpetual failure, effectively reducing happiness.  Ouch!

Another problem is that our minds have the capacity to predict how we’ll feel in a particular situation.  All the “If I owned…”  “If I could just…” “If they would only…” scenarios get played out in our heads and make it easy to assume that we could be happy give the right circumstances.  Unfortunately, we consistently overvalue our predictions, and tend to think things will make us happier than they actually do.  This over-reliance on faulty prediction sets us up to feel disappointed rather than happy.  Ouch again!

On top of that, we have become a culture full of choices and information.  That becomes problematic when we’re give the opportunity to evaluate options and make choices.  Most proper evaluations examine both sides of each option, highlight the pros and cons of all potential choices.   While this analysis can ensure wise and responsible choices, it can also undermine happiness.  By spending the time to create the pros and cons list, we highlight the negative aspects of whatever choice we make while also highlighting the positive aspects of the alternative choices.  It’s like there’s no winning here.

So what’s the remedy.  Well, we can’t cover all our basis, but lets address the key factors I’ve already brought up.  Do your best to accept that happiness is simply an emotion not a permanent destination.  Work to visit often but don’t expect to stay.  Recognize that your predictions about what will make you happy are probably wrong.  You’ll be better off cultivate appreciation for what you have rather than trying to gather more things.  Minimize or eliminate choice wherever you can, then focus on developing genuine gratitude for the choices you’ve made.  Reduce the criticism and judgment and look for all the things you can appreciate.

Dan Gilbert can walk you through some great research on this topic in his TED talk.

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What is Awe?

I’ve been an advocate for awesomeness for many years (read more here), but I’ve just recently started diving into the research related to the study of awe.  Prior to this, my ideas about finding the awesome were based largely on research focused on mindfulness and gratitude.

It turns out, experiencing awe is whole separate beast.  Make no mistake, awe is closely related to gratitude and mindfulness, but there are important aspects that create clear distinctions.

Scientist suggest that one of two primary factors are necessary to experience awe, and both tap into a perception of vastness.  First, awe requires a sense of something that is bigger than ourselves.  This can be physically large (mountains, buildings, oceans, light-years, etc.), temporally expansive (passage of decades, centuries, millennia, etc.) or any other version of vastness.  The second prerequisite is the sense that the experience is beyond our ability to fully comprehend.  Recollect the awe-inspiring magic tricks of your youth, and you will have a simple example of how lack of comprehension creates awe.  You can also follow that path down memory lane to the point when you discover how the trick is done.  That’s likely the exact moment when “magic” lost it’s ability to inspire awe.

Vastness conjures images of majestic natural and man-made wonders.  The Grand Canyon, Great Wall of China, Mount Rainer, and the Empire State Building are frequently instilling awe – they’re big, they’re old, and it’s tough to fully grasp the how and when of their creation.  I’m certain you could come up with a similar list of things that have instilled feelings of awe.  Actually…it would be helpful if you did make that list.  Writing down our experiences of awe helps us build memories and access those feelings more readily.  Even if you only take a few minutes, see what it’s like to write about one thing that has inspired awe – write about it’s vastness and how you felt in relation to that vastness.

Now, we get to the surprising part.  As someone that has spent hundreds of nights hiking and sleeping under the open sky, I had a firm understanding of how awesome (literally) our natural environment can be.  It’s pretty easy to experience awe in the midst of wilderness.  The research supports this; however, nature is not the most consistent trigger of awe.  When scientists complied data from around the world, they found that social experiences were the most consistently identified triggers of awe.  Specifically, witnessing birth, death, and the generosity of others had the biggest impact.  Those three things, while not necessarily physically or temporally vast, can certainly be difficult to fully comprehend.  How do I wrap my head around the idea that two humans can create a third living-breathing person?  How do I make sense of the extinction of the same human life?  And, how do I make sense of a truly selfless act?  An act that could theoretically result in an expedited end to the generous person’s life?

Every culture has found a way to explain these awe-inspiring events, and most of them have created systems and entities of vastness to explain life, death, and generosity.  Whether it’s a version of an all powerful creator or a resting place that has no limitations of time or space, our cultural explanations for the awe in day-to-day life only serve to expand and amplify the sense of awe.  That makes sense, right?  The only way to explain an awesome experience is through something equally or more awesome.  Both science and religion end up at the same place when explaining awe-inspiring experiences.  Science concludes that the universe is 14 billion years old (vast and impossible to comprehend).  Many religions conclude that the world was created by one or more unearthly entities (vast and impossible to comprehend).  I guess we can’t help ourselves when it comes to trying to make sense of the world we live in, but when it comes to awe, the only explanation of awesomeness is more awesomeness.  I like that.

Now lets zoom-in.  Forget that the universe is 14 billion years old and two living things can create another using virtually no resources.  Let’s look at the third example of awesomeness in social life.  When reflecting on powerful experiences, right alongside life and death (and on the same list of awe-inspiring stuff like the Pyramids) is witnessing acts of generosity.  This gets me extra excited because I CAN DO THAT.  I can be generous.  Plus, I can appreciate the generosity of those around me everyday.  By simply paying closer attention (being mindful) and working to recognize the generosity of others (being grateful), I get to experience awe on daily basis.

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Communication: Mutual Understanding or Bust

In nearly every relationship, there comes a time when we feel desperate to be understood.  Those are also the moments when it can be the hardest to communicate.  If we shift our definition of communication slightly, we can increase our odds of being understood.

Rather than defining communication as how/what we say, let’s define effective communication as an interaction culminating in mutual understanding.  Using this definition, the “right way” to communicate becomes fluid and requires flexibility.  It also makes every interaction a team-effort.  There’s no one way to ensure understanding.  Genuine communication requires an investment in both sides of the dialogue – speaking and using nonverbal cues as well as actively listening for content and tone.  If all parties are working toward mutual understanding, they’ll be flexible with how they communicate and they’ll be participating as a listener in order to clarify meaning.

In an effort to communicate effectively, we start with three simple questions.  What emotion do I feel?  What specific experience triggered that emotion? What (if anything) do I hope changes because of this communication?

The person initiating the conversation can set the team up for success by prepping the team for the conversation.  Preparation may be as simple as, “I want to share something with you, and I’d really like you to understand where I’m coming from.”  Then, dive in using this structure to convey the answers to the three questions listed above:

I feel __________ when ____________.

In the future, I would appreciate __________________.

If feel hurt when I expect you home at 6pm and you don’t get home until 8pm.  In the future, I’d really appreciate that you let me know as soon as possible when your schedule changes, and it would mean a lot to me if you acknowledge how hard it is for me when I don’t know your schedule.

It’s important to start with “I feel” and follow it up with an emotion.  A common mistake in this form of communication is to hide attacks within this structure.  “I feel like you’re doing everything wrong” is not an appropriate use of the structure.  The first blank can be filled with an emotion word, the second blank with a specific complaint, and the third blank with detailed and realistic expectations or desires.

The person listen then reflects what they’ve heard:

I hear that you feel __________ when ___________.

Moving forward, you would like ________________________.  Do you feel heard?

I hear that you feel hurt when you expect me home at 6pm and I don’t get in until 8pm.  It would mean a lot to you if I let you know sooner when my schedule changes…and it would mean a lot if I acknowledge how hard it must be to never know exactly when I’m going to be home.  Am I hearing you?

Note the lack of defensiveness.  It’s a simple reflection.

There may be a temptation at this point to shift to old habits of unhealthy conflict.  The person communicating the complaint may feel penance hasn’t been served or the level of guilt isn’t adequate.  They may want to start piling on more complaints or escalate into criticism.  The recipient of the complaint may drift into defensiveness through excuse-making or blaming.  RESIST THE URGE.

When mutual understanding has been reached – celebrate.

Thanks for hearing me out.  I’m glad you just listened.

I really appreciate that you just listened without getting defensive.

I recognize it’s a problem, and I’m glad you brought it up.  It’s definitely something I want to work on.

I’m glad you told me how you feel about this

Initially, this structure may feel forced and clunky.  That’s okay.  It doesn’t mean it’s not working.  If the skill of effective communication were compared to hitting a baseball, this structure becomes the tee in tee-ball.  Once you’ve got that feel of it, you can start swinging at some slow pitches.  Eventually, you’ll be ready for the full-speed pitches, making adjustment mid-swing, and getting consistent contact with the ball.

For more strategies aimed at keep communication civil and productive, check these out:  How to Avoid Drama, Cycle of Collusion, and be on the look out for an upcoming blog on the Four Horsemen of the Communication Apocalypse based on the work of Dr. John Gottman.

 
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Mental and Emotional Fitness

My perspective on mental health continues to move further and further from the traditional medical model.  Identify symptoms, track causes, treat the disease – repeat.  I’m a much bigger believer in a preventative health model, the model that states we can avoid many illness and recover faster from the ones we do encounter IF we are taking good care of ourselves along the way.  The preventative model, while not actively implemented, is universally accepted.  I don’t know anyone that argues against the idea that regular exercise and a healthy diet can prevent many diseases and improve recovery rates for many others.

It’s important here to distinguish between being mentally and emotionally fit and being happy.  These are two extremely different things.  Happiness is a impermanent emotional experience.  Fitness is a slow-to-change state of being.  In the course of building and maintain fitness in this realm, I’m confident that there will be increasingly more opportunities to feel happy.  However, just like being tired one day doesn’t mean you’re not physically fit, being sad or anxious one day (or a few) doesn’t mean that you’re not mentally/emotionally fit.

Things are more clear with physical well-being.  Everyone knows that smoking cigarettes, consuming excessive alcohol, and subsisting on Doritos and Mountain Dew may have serious health impacts.  No one expects to be healthy when they consistently avoid healthy behaviors and engage in unhealthy behaviors.  No one is surprised when their doctor tells them that regaining health will require a change in lifestyle – consistent, long-term changes in diet and exercise.  We all accept the fact that physical fitness comes through committed effort.

It’s the same for our mental and emotional fitness.  It’s just harder to see.

Many people fall into patterns of mental and emotional sabotage then lament their lack of contentment.  They engage in unhealthy behaviors every single day then honestly wonder why they don’t feel mentally and emotionally well.  They judge, criticize (themselves and others), focus on the worst part of their day, build walls of righteous anger, fill the world with blame and shame, fail to communicate assertively, ignore their feelings, neglect boundaries, compromise their values, and passively watch life go by….then they complain about not being happy.

It’s the equivalent of someone watching their twelfth straight episode of “House of Cards” on Netflix, finishing off a pack of cigarettes, and washing it down with the last swallow in two-liter of Mountain Dew and pondering, “Why isn’t my body in peak physical condition right now?”  It sounds a little silly, but many people expect mental and emotional well-being without the work.  They expect fitness without committed effort or significant changes.  To be fair, it can be easy to mistake moments of happiness with genuine emotional fitness.  Unfortunately, it’s a costly mistake that allows people to justify a wide variety of strategies for exercising mental fitness.

The same way poor physical health makes physical injuries more likely and recovery more difficult, poor mental and emotional fitness can make people more prone to mental health “injuries” – diagnostic levels of depression, anxiety, substance use, etc.  as well as making recovery from those illnesses more challenging.

Now, physically fit people still fall ill and suffer some of the same maladies as those less concerned with physical health.  They can still suffer from heart attacks, broken bones, and pneumonia.  Mental illness is no different.  Practicing mindfulness, exercising gratitude and compassion, engaging in values-based living, and working to maintain a healthy mental outlook doesn’t guarantee  mental well-being.  Nothing can completely protect you from illness.  Mental and emotional fitness is about quality of life before, during, and after those illnesses.

So what’s it take to get fit?  The guidelines for physical fitness have been well defined.  According to the World Health Organization, adults benefit from spending at least 150 minutes per week engaging in moderate-intensity activities.  That’s 30 minutes five times per week, roughly 1.5% of your time each week.  Let’s apply the same standard to mental and emotional fitness.  Spend approximately 150 minutes per week actively engaged in becoming mentally and emotionally fit.  Whether that means meditation, writing a letter of gratitude, challenging distorted thoughts, practicing compassion, or seeing a therapist – carve out 1.5% of your weekly schedule and prioritize your emotional well-being.  Get fit.

As a therapist, people usually come to me after they recognize an illness.  The preventative piece is gone in terms of the present struggle.  I’m the cardiologist that meets the patient for the first time after the heart attack.  Not ideal, but it’s a place to start.  If I have the opportunity to work with someone on developing skills, building strategies, and creating a life-style, I’ve got a chance to help them get fit, to help them avoid (or lessen) future illnesses, to help them enjoy life a little more.  I’m grateful for that opportunity.

 

 

 

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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: Part 5

So far we have explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Then,  it was on to Emotional Reasoning and Should Statements. Last time we examined the destructive nature of unnecessary Personalization and the “ALWAYS” scary False Permanence

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier perceptions of your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  • Blaming:  This particular distorted thinking pattern is a sneaky one.  It infiltrates common language usage on a daily basis.  Any time you use “________ makes me feel _______,” you’re using a form of blame to distance yourself from the emotional experience.  “You make me so angry” is a statement that blames someone else for your emotional experience.  Blame (like should) carries inherent judgment which can be personally and interpersonally destructive.  Blaming others in this away also pushes you away from other people, creating conflict rather than resolution.  Blame isn’t just for emotions though.

Blame is an equally damaging distortion when applied to our own behaviors.  “They made me do it” is a harmful way to escape the discomfort of personal responsibility; however, if others are in control of how you feel and what you do….the whole world becomes very unpredictable and unstable.  If you’re in the habit of blaming other people, or even circumstances, for your emotions and behavior, it creates a mentality that falsely absolves you of personal responsibility and strips your sense of self-efficacy.  Blaming, therefore, becomes a backhanded attack on your own capacity to validate your emotions and manage your behaviors.  If everyone/everything is always responsible…you can never feel successful.

Blame also paints you into a corner in terms of personal identity.  Blame creates a narrative with only one identity – righteous victim.  This role can protect you from vulnerability.  It can mask feelings of pain and helplessness with righteous anger, but people can also get stuck in that role, remaining hurt, powerless, and angry.

Challenging Blaming: The simple answer?  Stop blaming other people or circumstances for your feelings and conditions.  Clearly, the solution is more complex than that, but it’s a good place to start.  Start by rephrasing the way you express emotions.  “That movie made me sad” becomes “I feel sad when I watch movies about true love.”  Work to be consistent in your expression and start with “I feel ______ when _________.”  The difference may seem subtle, but the language we use (even in our own heads) has a huge impact on how we experience the world around us.  “You make me so mad” becomes “I feel angry when it seems like you’re ignoring me.”  Work to observe your feelings and circumstances without judgment or blame, and look for values-based actions you can take to move toward solutions.  Reflect, share, or journal to validate your emotions, and practice acceptance of those emotions without blame.  Create a narrative that acknowledges your personal choices as well as your capacity to make different choices moving forward.  Choose to build a personal identity consistent with the competent and capable individual that you are, and avoid falling into the “righteous victim” role.

  • Magical Thinking:  Magical Thinking distorts thoughts by shouting “TRUTH!” to the adage, “the grass is always greener…”  This type of thinking establishes false hope and wastes energy as people chase after frivolous, empty goals.  It often postpones meaningful action and shifts attention away from effectiveness.  Happiness or success or some version of those two is perpetually at your fingertips or just an arm’s length away.  “If I lost 10 pounds I’d be happy.”  “If I had a new boss, I’d love my job.” “If I could just move away for a while, everything would be different.”  The examples are endless, “If only he would….If only she said…If only they did…If only I was…”  In the meantime, while you wait for things and people around you to change, you’ve remained unhappy and stagnant.  Or perhaps you’ve exhausted yourself trying to make those things happen, only to find that checking that box didn’t deliver happiness at all.  Finding contentment in life will never be about checking a box, accomplishing a goal, or attaining some external status.  Contentment comes from a way of being, an internal shift in how you perceive and experience the world around you.  Magical thinking works to convince you of the opposite.

Challenging Magical Thinking: Work with what you have.  Remind yourself that contentment is not just around the corner, but can be achieved regardless of the current circumstances, and happiness, just like all emotions is not a permanent destination.  Use “if only” as a red-flag that prompts you to rewrite the script.  “If only I lost 10lbs, I could be happy with how I look” becomes “My body is amazing just how it is…and I’m setting a goal to eat more vegetables and exercise three days a week.  I know that my mind and body feel better when I’m eating a nutritious diet and working out regularly.”  Success no longer hinges on the external outcome.  Allow yourself to be successful in the process, focusing on HOW you work toward a goal rather than arriving at the destination.  Acknowledge your efforts in-the-moment and evaluate success based on the way you engage rather than the long-term outcome.  “I would have been so happy if only I got an A in that class” changes to “I’m proud of the student I was last term even though I didn’t get an A.”  The focus shifts to how – with commitment, dedication, and effort – rather than what.  Magical Thinking takes you out of the present moment, so the challenge is to remain in the present and focus on taking values-based actions…and allow that to be an accomplishment you can celebrate.

You can find a downloadable PDF outline of all ten of the most common distorted thinking patterns here: Top Ten Distorted Thinking Patterns.

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10 Most Common Distorted Thinking Patterns: Part 4

In the first three installments we explored distortions that created catastrophes from our imagination and another that was the least helpful filter ever then we looked at how the polarization of thought impacts us and the dramatic limitation of “mind-reading.”  Then,  it was on to Emotional Reasoning and Should Statements.  Today we cover Personalization and False Permanence

  • Catastrophizing
  • The Mental Filter
  • Black-and-White Thinking
  • Mind-Reading
  • Emotional Reasoning
  • ‘Shoulding’
  • Personalization
  • False Permanence
  • Blaming
  • Magical Thinking

Let me remind you – as you begin to challenge these distortions, for effective change, take the time to write down the specific unhelpful thoughts as you recognize them and write down the alternative thinking patterns that will set you on the path to healthier ways of perceiving your experiences.  You’ll see overlap in how these patterns feed into one another, each one making the others a little easier to believe, creating a seemingly unified (albeit distorted) vision of life.  Don’t be fooled.

  • Personalization:  Not every mistake is your fault, and even if it is your fault, it doesn’t mean you’re bad, stupid, or incompetent.  Personalization begs to differ.  This distorted thinking pattern tells you that every misstep is attributable to you as a person; every mistake in your life is indicative of some shame-inducing character flaw.  It tells you that when your kids misbehave at school, it means you’re horrible parents.  When we don’t get invited to the party, it’s because we’re worthless.  When we get rained on it’s because the world hates us.  Personalization invites us to take every perceived slight, criticism, or inconvenience as an attack on our humanity.  A disagreement is an insult.  A furrowed brow is a harsh judgment of your decisions.  This distortion can also be flipped towards others and generally wreaks havoc on interpersonal relationships.  If you assign global characteristics based on isolated behaviors, you’re likely to create patterns of judgment and criticism.  If forgetting to feed the dog means your partner is an idiot, you’re relationship is in trouble.  If arriving late means your in-laws are inconsiderate and selfish, it’s going to be tough to fully enjoy Thanksgiving dinner.

Challenging Personalization: While I encourage everyone to take personal responsibility for their own decisions, challenging personalization requires a clear line to be drawn between what is and isn’t you’re responsibility.  More important than taking responsibility only for yourself, is the practice of attributing consequences accurately.  What does that mean?  It means we all need to practice explaining circumstance, situations, and other people’s choices is a way that is not destructive to our own sense of self-worth.  Attribute random events (birds pooped on your car, the bus was late, you were cut off in traffic) to the lottery of the universe.  No more.  No less.  Recognize that no one is out to get you.  The birds don’t have it out for you.  God doesn’t hate you.  It didn’t happen because you are inherently bad or deserving of misfortune.  Work to accept the fact that poop happens – even to good people.  Attribute apparent personal attacks appropriately too. When your friend, partner, child, coworker, or some stranger is having a bad day and treating you poorly, it doesn’t mean that you’re being a horrible person.  Assess our own behavior, and make necessary course corrections, but don’t assume that their bad day means that you’re inadequate.  In concrete terms, describe the situation, validate your emotional experience, resist, refute, or redirect when global labels pop up, then take decisive values-based action.

For example, if I’m not invited to the party…

Rather than beating myself up because I’m clearly a worthless friend (that’s distorted personalization) that no one wants to be around (and that’s mind-reading), I 1) describe the situation (without judgment): I wanted to go to the party and I didn’t get invited, 2) validate my experience: I feel hurt, lonely, and rejected…it’s painful, 3) take values based action:  I value my health and challenges, so I’ll take this time to jump on the treadmill.  Notice the lack of judgmental name-calling directed at myself or the host of the party.  Also, no assumptions were made about anyone’s intentions.

  • False Permanence:  One sure way to create stress, anxiety, hopelessness, and despair is indulging in the distorted concept of false permanence.  This particular pattern often appears as a combination of black-and-white thinking and catastrophizing along with a paralyzing perception of permanence.  It’s clear how this type of false permanence could lead to emotional discomfort.  “Everything is bad and it always will be!” sets you on a clear path to hopelessness and despair.  If we eliminate the possibility of change, the current circumstance can never improve; we can never grow; our efforts to initiate change will feel worthless.

Conversely, falsely assuming positive experiences and emotions will remain permanent can also lead to significant distress.  “Everything is perfect and always will be!” can set you up to fall hard when changes occur.  The lack of psychological flexibility is at the core of this distortion.  Clinging to any moment with an unwillingness to accept change will result in unnecessary suffering.

Challenging False Permanence: Accept the present moment and embrace the certainty of change.  Whether the experience is comfortable or uncomfortable, work to accept it as it is, letting go of expectations (especially judgmental expectations).  Mindfulness exercises can help build the skills necessary for nonjudgmental observations.  In conjunction with the effort to accept, embrace some version of the mantra “Nothing is forever,” “This too shall pass,” “Change is inevitable,” or “Live for the possibilities of today.”  In other words, actively remind yourself that your reality IS NOT permanent.  Throughout this process it’s important to be kind and compassionate with yourself, working to avoid other thought distortions, while encouraging yourself and seeking healthy support.

As you challenge this particular pattern, be careful to apply it to only to your mental or emotional experiences.  There are certain aspects of life that are permanent.  Certain types of loss, such as death, are permanent, and that is not a distortion.  The thoughts and feelings associated with those losses, however, are fluid and ever changing.  It can be easy to fall into the trap of connecting the real permanence of death with false permanence of the emotional experience.  This comes up with many permanent or mostly-permanent losses – death, break-ups, job loss, relocations, etc.  Even if these changes are permanent, the emotional experience never is.  It always changes.  Challenging this pattern is about recognizing, anticipating, and appreciating the ups and downs we’ll all face.

Next up, we’ll tackle Blaming and Magical Thinking, and we will have gotten through all ten of the most common distorted thinking patterns.  Part five will also include a downloadable PDF compiling all of the blog posts.