Posted on

Beyond the Buzzword: Mindfulness

Mindfulness has become popularized in the last several years.  With the explosion of yoga for physical fitness and increased use in psychotherapeutic interventions, mindfulness has become commonplace.  But what does it mean?  Does the CEO prompting his employees to be mindful mean the same thing as the instructor of the hot yoga class you take on Saturday morning?  Does being a mindful parent create different outcomes than the mindfulness taught in schools?  Do you have to meditate or chant “ohm” to be mindful?  Can you be mad, stressed, scared, and overwhelmed and still be mindful?

Anyone can be mindful and they can do it whenever they want.  I’ll try to simplify as much as I can while explaining mindfulness in a way that goes well beyond the buzzword and the image of the meditating yogi.  Boiling it down to a single sentence, it looks like this:

Mindfulness is the ability to control attention, non-judgmentally, in the present moment.

Now, let me unpack those three primary components.
1. Controlling Attention: This does not equate to controlling specific thoughts or emotions. Controlling attention involves the ability to focus and refocus with intention.  It’s the ability to recognize the thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they happen then choose what you focus on and how you pay attention it.  Our mind, left to its own devices, wanders.  That’s normal; that’s to be expected.  Through some consistent effort, we can improve our ability to maintain focus and be more mindful.

2. Acceptance: This is the opposite of judgement. Observing our thoughts, emotions, and sensations without evaluating or passing judgement is often a major paradigm shift in terms of how we interact with our experiences.  Being genuinely mindful requires the practice of compassionate observation.  Judging experiences as “good” or “bad”, sorting thoughts into “should be having” and “shouldn’t be having”, or delineating emotions into “strong” and “weak”, only serves to distance us from the reality of the experience.  This lack of acceptance creates some inherent discomfort.  By observing and accepting our internal and external experiences without judgment, we can engage without the self-created (and unnecessary burden) of “right” and “wrong”, allowing us to be a bit more comfortable and make more room for joy.

3. Remaining Present: We experience more than enough in any given moment to safely let go of the past and stay out of the future without fear of being bored or unfulfilled. However, to be content in the present moment requires the previous two skills. Without the ability to control attention, the present moment can quickly become overwhelming.  Without acceptance, the present moment can be unbearably uncomfortable due to the incessant judgment. Ultimately our experience is the accumulation of single moments, so being able to engage with each moment will lead to a more fulfilling experience.

At any time, you can apply these three basic components in order to effectively practice mindfulness.  While you do the dishes, pay attention to how the water feels on your skin, or the sound of the water as you rinse the dishes.  Do that without judging the feelings or evaluating the sound and BOOM!  You were just mindful.  Sitting in traffic?  Notice your thoughts, imagine them drifting through your head, and allow them to be there.  BOOM!  You did it again.  You were mindful.  It’s as simple as that.

Go.  Be mindful.  Let me know how it goes.

Posted on

Stress Management and Relaxation Workshops

As I’ve developed as a clinician, I’ve slowly molded my view of mental well-being into what it is today.  My perspective has shifted, expanded, conformed, stretched, and reformed.  Preventative mental health care has become increasingly important.  Diagnosis is not a prerequisite of well-being.  No one has to wait until after a heart attack to initiate an exercise plan.  No one demands that you only see a medical doctor when you’re ill.  In fact, regular check-ups are encouraged.  I’d like to see mental health head in the same direction.  One of the ways I’ve decided to move toward preventative intervention is by offering a stress management and relaxation workshop in my community.  If you’re local, you can register here

The three hour workshop will introduce a variety of relaxation and stress management techniques for those occasionally (or frequently) overwhelmed with significant transitions, work responsibilities, family obligations, or life’s less specific burdens.  By developing a greater understanding of the emotional, mental, physiological, and behavior components of stress, strategies for managing it become much more accessible.  Signing up allows you to join a small group (eight or less) engaging in practical exercises and discussions aimed at cultivating a bit more peace in your life.

Choose any one of the four workshops offered and if you find it useful, feel free to up again to repeat the course.  You can join us in Poulsbo City Hall on:

Saturday April 23rd, 2016 from 9:30am to 12:30pm

Saturday May 7th, 2016 from 9:30am to 12:30pm

Saturday June 18th, 2016 from 9:30am to 12:30pm

Saturday August 20th, 2016 from 9:30am to 12:30pm

If you’d like to have this workshop tailored for staff training or as part of an employee wellness plan, contact me directly to discuss details. [contact-form-7 404 "Not Found"]

 

Posted on

Control? You’ve got less than you think, and that’s okay

I hate to be a wet blanket on the, “you can do anything you set your mind to” mentality.  I’m conflicted about taking on the mantle of making Nike’s “Just Do It” slogan more complicated than a three-word mantra for making all things possible.  I’ll go out on a limb and also challenge the ever popular, “choose to be happy” advise that is so readily given to those struggling through tough times.  If those platitudes were real…if we genuinely controlled our lives to that extent, we would all have the life of our dreams, down to the tiniest detail. To believe it’s all within our grasp is somehow comforting.  It’s the message in the quotes above, and it’s consistently reiterated throughout pop-culture, in advertising, and by well-meaning parents and friends.  It’s comforting to maintain the illusion of control.

The effort to maintain the comfortable illusion requires a constant battle between the desire for control and the reality of the world.  Do you know who wins that battle?  Who wins every single time?  REALITY WINS!  Work as I may, my physical gifts were never going to allow me to launch a career in the NFL or NBA.  Being relatively small and slow made me less competitive than my larger, faster friends.  Many decisions to “Just Do It” in the realm of athletics and exercise left me maimed in one way or another.  Running one more day or one more mile left me with shin splints and/or sore knees.  I “just did it” then I couldn’t do it without risking further injury or enduring unreasonable pain.  Choosing to be happy?  Emotions don’t work like that.  If I’m sad, I’m sad.  I just do my best to not wallow in it.  I try to allow it to go away.  I’ve written about the difficultly with acceptance previously (Tricky Business of Sincere Acceptance).  Acceptance is the opposite of control – that’s part of what makes it hard.

Please don’t assume that this relative lack of control damns any of us to a miserable life.  In fact, the sooner you can acknowledge that lack of control, the sooner you can get on with living your life and appreciating reality.   When I release myself from the outcome-based expectations of an NFL career or a four hour marathon, I can get on with living my life according to my values.  I can consistently exercise within the limits of my physical composition and remain content regardless of the outcome.  All of this is really about altering expectations and tweaking the quotes and platitudes to be more compassionate given the challenges we are forced to faced when operating in the realm of reality.  “Just do it” becomes “Just do something that moves you toward an important value.”  Running a four-hour marathon is a goal, not a value.  Fitness and health are values.  Reality may greatly limit your ability to finish that marathon (head colds on race day, unexpected injuries or accidents, a flat tire, uncooperative muscles and joints, etc.); however, nothing can stop you from moving toward your values.  Targets may change, goals may need to be revised, but if you remain psychologically flexible, you can find comfort in remaining consistent with your values.  “You can do anything you set your mind to” becomes “Working towards anything you value will result in personal growth.”  Admitting that I won’t ever become the next Barry Sanders doesn’t mean I’ve failed or that I’ve lost motivation or that I can’t continue to run agility drills in my backyard if I want to.  It mean that I’ve accepted reality, and that reality includes the realization that if I’m training like an elite running back, I’m likely to be in great physical health and connected with individuals with similar interests and values.

If the “it” in “just do it” is unrealistic, you do nothing but set yourself up for failure and disappointment.  If the “anything” in “you can do anything you set your mind to” is an outcome even slightly out of your control, you will likely find yourself battling reality.  Take stock of reality.  Take stock of your values.  Then, and only in a moment-by-moment sort of way, take control of your behaviors.  Choose to act in accordance with your values and release yourself from any expected outcomes.

Posted on

Why I tell everyone “You Are Awesome”

It is incredibly easy for me to be critical.  The ability to identify the shortcomings, flaws, and mistakes of myself and others has come naturally to me.  I can see a movie, a process, a person, or anything else and tell you how it could be better.  This “gift” of diagnosing problems was certainly helpful in academia as I was tasked with applying critical thinking skills.  It was a strength as I critiqued research articles and clinical interventions as a student of psychology.  It even serves me professionally as I find myself responsible for assigning labels for the mental health issues I assess.

As helpful as it has been, it has been a larger detriment to me personally and socially.  Nothing stifles joy and gratitude like criticism.  If I focus on the opinion that the sunset could be brighter or the clouds are a little too purple, it’s tough to appreciate the magic in that moment.  If I think the presenter should have spoken a little louder or covered a few more crucial ideas, it’s tough to integrate and apply the information.  If I ruminate on the fact that my friend could have called a little more frequently or stayed a little longer, it’s tough to see how much excitement they bring into my life.  I want to find the magic in the sunset, the wisdom in the presentation, and the value in my friendships.

Over the last several years, I’ve entrenched myself in the process of cultivating more positivity and reducing negativity.  I’ve used social media, worn t-shirts, passed out business cards, held signs, developed and presented workshops, and lead university wide initiatives aimed at spreading one simple message – “You Are Awesome.”  It began as a concrete way to build positive interactions into a culture or situation – possibly helping others feel good.  It was a reminder to others that they are awesome, and they should start from that point in any situation. If they’re happier, the environment is more positive and it’s easier to be less critical.

The message has remained the same, but it’s meaning has changed for me.  Now, when I wear a shirt that says “You Are Awesome” it isn’t necessarily intended to convince others of their awesomeness, and I’m not really expecting the environment to change either.  It’s meant to remind me, that no matter what’s happening around me, I can find some good somewhere if I’m looking for it.  It’s not about identifying a silver-lining in every situation.  It’s not about “it sucks, BUT…”  It’s about fighting against my tendency to focus in on the problems and the things that I want to be different.  It’s about accepting the pain and challenging myself to proactively identify the things I’m grateful for rather than doing what’s easy (for me anyway) and pouring energy into being critical.  Wearing a shirt, carrying a sign, or passing out cards emblazoned with the “You Are Awesome” message forces me to be prepared to answer the question “What’s awesome about _______?”  My life is so much better when I’m looking for the moments that inspire awe.

Wearing a shirt, carrying a sign, or passing out cards emblazoned with the “You Are Awesome” message forces me to be prepared to answer the question “What’s awesome about _______?”  My life is so much better when I’m looking for the moments that inspire awe.

I’ve realized that so many things are genuinely awesome when defined in that way.  There are so many experiences that, when examined closely, are ridiculous and overwhelming in their magnificence.  The fact that you’re reading this blog fits into that category.  This seemingly mundane activity means that as I sit in my office in Poulsbo, Washington, I can click a button and make my thoughts and feelings accessible to anyone in the world that has access to the internet.  Then you, as the reader, have this insight into my life.  You have a unique connection to one of the 7 billion possible people you could have connected with today.  Yeah, that’s awesome.  Every seemingly mundane activity can be looked at from this perspective -every relationship -every convenience – everything we take for granted day after day can be viewed through this very different lens.

I feel the urge to defend another common argument against this way of approaching the world. I frequently get asked the question, “What about the things/people/experiences that really are not awesome?”  It’s a powerful question and needs to be addressed.  When bad things happen in the world, it’s not healthy to ignore them or to attempt to drown them out with positivity.  I will be the first to say that the world is not all puppies and rainbows, and that’s not really what the “You Are Awesome” message implies.  People get murdered, trusted officials lie and take advantage of their power, systematic oppress is real, hate is contagious, and the world is full of suffering.  When I see these realities in my own life I do my best to acknowledge them and meet them powerfully with compassion, empathy, and gratitude.  I know I can’t replace my grief, fear, or confusion with happiness and appreciation in painful situations, but I certainly don’t want to be ignoring all the things I have to be grateful for as I suffer.  Usually, when I’m in the most pain is when I find the most comfort in immersing myself in the awesomeness around me.  When my world is falling apart around me, I can find solace in recognizing how much worse it would be without the awe inspiring experiences I have every single day.

My shirts may seem cheesy.  The message, at first glance, can easily be seen as insincere. Your initial assessment may be dismissive.  Whether you’re skeptical of the concept or not, I invite you to let up on the criticism and judgment and practice more gratitude by preparing yourself to answer some of these questions throughout the day.  Fair warning – some days these questions will be more difficult to answer than others.

  1. What was awesome about today?
  2. Who made your life easier today? How did they do it?
  3. What made you smile today?
  4. What did you see today that was beautiful?
  5. What was something that would have made today way harder if you did have it?
  6. What was the best thing you tasted today?
  7. Who did something nice for you today? What did they do?
  8. Who did you connect with today? What did you like about it?
Posted on

Empathy vs. Sympathy according to Brene Brown

I’m a fan of Brene Brown.  Her TED talks are thought provoking.  She seems to live consistently with the content she’s sharing, and she’s able to deliver big ideas in very palatable ways.  In the video below, she discusses the difference between sympathy and empathy, highlighting the connecting power of empathy and the disconnect common with sympathy.

The two concepts appear to be closely associated; however sympathy, too often, is limited to feeling pity that exacerbate differences between people.  Pity involves magnifying the differences between us, but often ignoring the similarities.  This drives separation rather than connection.  Empathy opens the relationship to a shared experience and a more sincere understanding.

You may say the words are synonyms and the differences are merely semantic; however, I invite you to work towards being empathic in your next encounter and take note of how the interaction goes for you and for them.  It may surprise you how the dynamic changes when you actively work to connect and be with someone…especially when they’re experiencing uncomfortable emotions.  Challenge yourself to resist placing expectations on them to feel better.  Resist putting a silver-lining on their pain.  Be close, and do nothing.  Be with them in their grief, anxiety, anger, sadness, or despair.  Just be with them.

 

Posted on

Do Gratitude (and Thanksgiving) on Your Terms

Thanksgiving can easily become a reminder of all the things that frustrate and annoy you.   Messages about the “right” way to be grateful can invite self-criticism and judgment.   It can be the start of a holiday season filled with financial stress, logistical complications, and messy family dynamics.  There are plenty of reasons to be anxious, hurt, frantic, irritated, unappreciated, self-conscious, and resentful about Thanksgiving.  The challenge is to acknowledge all of those feelings without being consumed by them.

There is no doubt that all of us can share stories of the holiday that went horribly wrong.  I’m certain that there will be ample opportunity to complain this year.  The examples below are neither comprehensive nor exhaustive.

Uncle Joe said some incredibly offensive things about entire races, belief systems, nationalities, etc.

Mom doesn’t respect my choices (and is increasingly vocal about it).

I don’t even like turkey.

The drive is ridiculously long…and they don’t ever want us there.

If Thanksgiving stresses you out, give yourself a break.  The day, the season, is about feeling grateful.  If that is extremely difficult to do on the forth Thursday of November, find a different way to celebrate your appreciation of the world (and the people) around you.  Build your own traditions surrounding gratitude.  You may still need to trudge through a turkey dinner or two, but it doesn’t have to stop you from giving thanks.

Posted on

Tricky Business of Sincere Acceptance

For years acceptance has been the pinnacle of the grieving process.  Acceptance is a cornerstone of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It’s also fundamental to Eastern philosophies and practices such as Taoism, Buhhdism, meditation, and mindfulness.

All of these approaches promote acceptance.  Be accepting of thoughts and emotions.  Be accepting of situations and hardships.  Be accepting of yourself and other people.

Theoretically, acceptance will result in less suffering, less sadness, less anger – generally less discomfort in our lives.  Through years of practice and observation, I believe that is true.  I’ve shared and taught the ideals of acceptance to hundreds of people, and in nearly every instance, no matter what I do or how I explain the concepts, the same problem arises.

People want to use acceptance as a way to control their emotions.  They ask, “How will acceptance make my sadness go away.”  They wonder, “If I accept everything, how will I control it?”

Hopefully, you picked up on the complete contradiction in the previous sentences.  If not, let me explain.  Acceptance means you’ve relinquished all expectation for change; you’ve taken a role as an observer.  To say internally, or out-loud – “I accept that I’m sad” with the expectation that the sadness will go away is not acceptance at all.

Please don’t mistake the idea of acceptance with giving-up, surrendering, wallowing, or otherwise disconnecting from life.  Genuine acceptance does not equate to throwing your hands up and spending three days in bed watching three seasons of a mediocre show on Netflix.  That would be surrendering to sadness, not accepting it.

Genuine acceptance starts with nonjudgmental recognition – “I’m feeling sad.”  You may simply sit with that feeling, examining and experiencing the thoughts and sensations associated with the emotion.  After accepting that the feeling is present, you make the all-important decision about how you want to live your life (regardless of how you feel).  Here’s the key to accepting uncomfortable emotions.  You don’t have to wait for it to go away to start living life according to your values.  You can be sad and call a friend.  You can be sad and socialize.  You can be sad and make dinner for your family.  You can be sad and go to class.  You can be sad and be kind, trusting, generous, engaged, or dedicated.

All of this is easier said than done.  It requires clarity of personal values and goals.  It requires intentional practice related to active acceptance.  It requires self-compassion, patience, and vulnerability.  Use this guided exercise to take a proactive approach to emotional acceptance.

Posted on

Lessons from Shel: #2454. Who am I?

 

I frequently use this poem by Shel Silverstein to illustrate the importance of perspective and the pervasiveness of false dichotomies.  Read the poem then continue reading below.
When given an either-or proposition, it’s extremely easy to lose the nuanced experience of who we are and how we experience the world.

Are you a good mother with some bad ways or bad mother with some good ways?

Are you a kind person with some hateful habits or hateful person with some kind habits?

Was it a gorgeous sunset with some ugliness or an ugly sunset with some beauty shining through?

Are you a great friend with some disengaged days or a disengaged friend with some great days?

Was it a wonderful day or horrible day?

Before you invest in answering those questions, consider that in any given moment, both can be true.   As a mother, a father, a friend, or a sibling, you make contributions and cause distress.  Every sunset has it’s high points and low points.  Every day provides opportunities to revel in gratitude or complain incessantly.  As it becomes easier to lean toward the negative, it becomes increasingly important to maintain a balance.  Accept the struggles while actively acknowledging the (sometimes small) moments of awesomeness throughout the day.  Above all, hold on to the realization the you, and the world around you, is NEVER just one way.

 

Posted on

Simple rules for getting Superbetter!

It’s time to get superbetter.

A simple and effective way to cultivate more happiness and resilience in your life is to get SuperBetter by registering for the free website (www.superbetter.com) to constantly be challenged to put more positivity in your life. Based entirely on current research, the “quests” and “power ups” provide concrete actions you can take every day to give your productivity (and all around awesomeness) a boost. A few examples are provided below:

  • Physical Resilience: Get out of your chair right now and do 15 push-ups or lightly stretch for 1 minute
  • Mental Resilience: Take a minute and research that question that’s been nagging you – What do you call a group of ostriches? How can I increase my awesomeness?
  • Emotional Resilience: Write down the best thing that’s happened to you today, and take 10 seconds to enjoy it.
  • Social Resilience: Share this post with someone and let them know you think they’re awesome.

For the whole story behind SuperBetter and how it works, check out the creator’s TEDtalk